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The Best Thing About January

Posted on January 29, 2015 Written by Tonya

January sucked.

Top to bottom.

I celebrated the new year sick in bed, had two decent weeks and then my whole family was hit with the flu. Lola’s temperature reached as high as 104 one evening and we were so nervous calling her pediatrician every few hours for advice. My entire body hurt so much that I hurt couldn’t get out of bed for two whole days. We were down for the count for almost a week. Each one of us saw the doctor and were prescribed meds. Nasty lingering coughs remain. I know we aren’t alone. Tis the season, right?

What should have been my dad’s 68th birthday was yesterday and that always makes me sad, bitter and grief ridden.

And then this morning, my husband was admitted to the ER. He woke up with a back ache but felt it was more tissue related and went to his gym to see if his trainer could “stretch him out”. Turns out it was/is kidney stones. Five hours at the hospital and four heavy duty pain killers later, he is resting and waiting for them to pass.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s first birthday and I am a mess.

I’m happy for this milestone but melancholy that my baby is no longer a baby. Lola is toddler, through and through. She’s almost walking and “talking” like crazy. She’s willful and feisty and funny and so sweet. Lola worships her big brother and wants to get into anything that isn’t for babies. She loves to empty drawers, play with remotes and other electronic devices, dive head first down the stairs and squirm and roll over while getting a fresh diaper. We all agree she’s the best thing that ever happened to us.

It was completely surreal being in the same hospital where she was born a year later today.

The best thing about this month is celebrating Lola.

I have been working on a birthday letter to her for several days. I hope to share it here tomorrow, but for now I’ll share these lovely photos my friend, Tereza captured. Lola wasn’t too into the balloons but looked awfully cute just the same.

These photos are special for a few reasons; I take photos of Lola all the time but haven’t had professional shots taken since she was born and the purple Ralph Lauren dress she’s wearing, it was her cousin, Francesca’s. Francesca is 11 now.

Thank you, Heidi for handing it down.

10 Years Ago

Posted on January 15, 2015 Written by Tonya

This photograph was taken almost 10 years ago in Nabeul, one of Tunis’s major ceramic centers. I was 32 years old.

April 22, 2005

Todd and I were visiting my parents, who lived in Tunisia at the time. My father was the elementary principal and my mother taught third grade at the American international school.

They played great hosts by taking us to see some beautiful places near their home. Looking through the photos from our trip, I am also reminded of our visit to El-Jem, known for it’s ancient Colosseum, sheep blocking roads (no trip to Africa would be complete without it) and our stay at the gorgeous African Jade hotel in Korba. The indoor/outdoor lobby was covered in vines. One of my favorite photos of me and father was taken in that lobby.

April 23, 2005

I also received one of the best massages I’ve ever had at the hotel spa.

Although our visit was memorable, I left unsettled. My parents seemed unhappy and stressed. They seemed happy that we were there, but preoccupied. The director my father was working for and with at the time was difficult and dropping the ball, leaving him to pick up the pieces. As I recall, it was his last year at the school and things did get better the following year.

When this photo was taken, Todd and I never thought we would return to Tunis two years later to remove the contents of my parents house or attend a memorial service given in their honor at the school.

When this photo was taken, Todd and I were two years from getting married and four from becoming parents.

A lot can happen in a year, but a lifetime can occur in 10 years!

My parents are no longer with us and my life looks much different today, so much loss and yet so much gain.

This is me today.

You can’t see it, but I’m wearing the same necklace I was wearing 10 years ago, a Raphael angel that I cling to in times of worry or unease.

My children have my father’s eyes.

November 29, 2014

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 1. Find a photo of yourself taken 10 years ago and display it on your blog along with a current photo. How have you changed since the day that photo was taken?

Lego

Posted on January 12, 2015 Written by Tonya

Okay, so it Lego or Legos?

I have always said Lego singular but my husband always says Legos plural and it drives me nuts.

It is quite possible that he adds the s just to irk me.

Whatever you call them, I hate them! They are murderous when stepped on and so difficult to keep away from baby’s tiny fingers.

Lucas and his dad spend hours together with the interlocking pieces of genius that foster fun and creativity and he is completely obsessed, as demonstrated by the number of places I find the delightful and colorful plastic bricks throughout our house. And I’m not just talking about in between the couch cushions, although we do find them there.

I’m referring to all the other the random places! These photos were taken over the course of ONE WEEK.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

If you have a child who plays with Lego, where is the oddest place you’ve found them?

Loving & Loathing The Holidays

Posted on December 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

This is a hard time of year for many people.

Myself included.

From the week before Thanksgiving through January 1, I waver between being on the verge of a complete panic attack, find myself anxious and excited with everything there is to do to prepare for the big days ahead, feel tempted to stick a fork in my eye over complete frustration, exhibit weepy and melancholy behavior over people I miss, how pretty all the lights are and the kindness of strangers, I’m more exhausted during the holiday season than any other time of year and I am filled with a sense of blissful happiness. During this time frame, I can go through this cycle on a daily basis.

I’m a mess.

I simultaneously love and loathe the holidays.

Pulling three bins of Christmas crap out of the garage and untangling lights is the worst. Lola’s mild but curious interest in the tree and ornaments? Magical.

The hunt for the perfect gift, piles and piles of presents, marathon wrapping sessions and ribbon paper cuts? I loathe it all! The look on their faces when they open your gift = AWESOME!

Baking with Lucas? Yes, please! Eating half a dozen cookies and having to workout a little harder… BLAH!!

The daily To Do list? No, thanks. Crossing items off, however, feels great.

Spending time with friends doing holiday related activities? Love it.

Receiving beautiful holiday cards in the mail? J’adore! Picking a decent family photo, designing a card, addressing and stamping 200 envelopes… not so much.

The Elf of the Shelf? The jury is still out, but we are definitely having fun with it!

What do you love and/or loathe about this time of the year?

The City By The Bay: Thanksgiving 2014

Posted on December 2, 2014 Written by Tonya

At least six months ago we started talking about our Thanksgiving plans. Typically we take a big trip. A week long somewhere far from home, somewhere that requires jackets and gloves, hats and boots and reservations for our Thanksgiving meal.

Lucas spent his first Thanksgiving in Florence, Italy! Two years ago we went to Vancouver.

Last year we moved the week of Thanksgiving so this year felt like a “make-up” of sorts. We renewed Lucas’s passport, applied for one for Lola and started daydreaming.

I don’t if we got too busy or couldn’t quite agree on a destination, but we dragged our feet until the week before and then with what felt like out of our budget and limited options we decided to stay local-ish. We drove to San Francsico!

Todd grew up and went to college in the Bay Area and knows the city well and I fell in love with San Francisco on my first visit some 18 years ago and it continues to dazzle us both.

We had no agenda and had the greatest time. Wednesday was my favorite day; we left our hotel at 10:00 AM, headed for Ghirardelli Square. Along the way we stopped to play at two parks, wandered through Chinatown, window shopped, found a darling card and gift store called Lola, where we had to pose for photos, watched Lucas & Lola devour a croissant, found a man and his son catching and releasing Dungeness crabs, gazed at the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, enjoyed ice cream and took a sunset cable car ride back to our hotel nearly seven hours later.

But then again, Thursday was pretty spectacular too! I took Lucas ice skating for the first time at Union Square and he was amazing. My sister-in-law and two nieces, who live in the East Bay joined us. Apprehensive at first myself, as I hadn’t been on skates in a very long time, I was most worried about Lucas. He fell a lot but he was so determined and never once whined or utter the words, “I can’t do it.”. I am so proud of him and he, of course can’t wait to do it again! We both had permagrins for the 90 minutes we were on the ice and as long as we stopped to say hello before circling the rink again, Lola and Daddy enjoyed watching us from the sidelines.

Friday, we walked half-way across the Golden Gate Bridge, as little legs couldn’t make it the entire (1.7 miles one way) way and there were no parks or croissants along the route. After that, my in-laws, who also live in the East Bay came into the city for lunch and we watched the Christmas decorations go up in our hotel lobby.

There was more exploring, a shopping spree at NikeTown, some not so great restaurant recommendations and I’ll spare you the details and frustrations of our horrific road trip there and home with a certain rear-facing little person who hates being in the car.

It was wonderful to get away, especially to a favorite city and as a family. I hope you and yours had a lovely holiday too.

Family Tree

Posted on November 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

Just like I knew they would, my eyes fill with tears as I tell Lucas the photos we are carefully pasting to the page are the last ones taken of my parents. It was my wedding day, seven years ago.

I thought we’d have a couple more years before Lucas had a Family Tree project.

It’s basic, immediate family only, no research required and a few fun questions about our family including, who is the oldest member of our family and who has the longest eyelashes.

I’m worried.

Lucas has been known to tell complete strangers that my parents are dead. Just like that, he’ll blurt out to anyone who’ll listen, “My mom’s parents are dead.” It was shocking the first couple of times but, I expect it now. I’m ready when the cashier at the supermarket looks at me with a blank stare on her face unsure what to say next. “It’s okay.” I say. Of course, it’s anything but okay, but she doesn’t want to hear a sob story and I’m just trying to buy dinner.

Death is a regular topic in our home. I have shared here before the many conversations we have had as a family, the questions my five-year-old so inquisitively asks and the delicate way in which we attempt to ease his precious heart and mind by responding the best way we know how, with the truth.

For us, it is normal. I realize this is not the case in other homes and assume most of his classmates have two sets of living grandparents, maybe more.

Lucas only has one set of grandparents and they are kind and loving and a very big part of our lives. I am grateful for them every day.

I could argue that my parents are a big part of our lives too, as they come up in regular conversation, there are lots of photos of them in our house and many stories and memories to share. But are my parents no longer my children’s grandparents because they are not here physically or because they never had the chance to meet my children? We refer to them as Grandma and Grandpa Adams. In my mind that’s what they are. Right? I don’t have the answers. All I know is, their lives were cut short and were they here, they’d love Lucas and Lola to pieces.

I’m not worried about what Lucas will say when it is his turn to present his family to his class, he’ll no doubt share what details he knows, however, I am concerned about how the other children may respond.

I gave Lucas’s teacher a head’s up and she was grateful and reassured me that no two families are alike and that she would create a sensitive environment for whatever the children what to discuss.

Seeing Chicago Through A Child’s Eyes

Posted on September 22, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s been a month since our mother/son trip to Chicago. What an amazing five days! I have always known Lucas was an extraordinary child but this trip proved it ten times over.

Since his very first airplane ride at only two months old, my son has been a great traveler provided I have his favorite snacks and activities and a full battery on the iPad. This I knew going in to this trip together, but what surprised me was the amount of patience he exhibited as we waited. We spent a lot of time waiting, from a two hour delay at the airport and long lines to enter most attractions to Uber cars and taxis, we waded through throngs of people at the breakfast buffet each morning at our hotel and waited for our names to be called at restaurants, we waited for it to stop raining so we could go back outside and have fun, we waited and waited and waited. I have decided my five-year-old has more patience in his entire body than I do in my big toe.

Lucas also behaved well throughout our trip and when other children around us were falling apart, kicking, screaming and carrying on and getting reprimanded, he kept it together. He also asked pointed questions about our surroundings, wanted to know everything he could about the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 (it wasn’t because a cow knocked over a lantern, by the way) and the meaning behind the different colors that lit up the skyscrapers at night. Lucas also let me take as many photos as I wanted of both him and the sights.

Chicago is perfect for children and it was a lot of fun seeing my little guy in such a big city. We didn’t walk as much as I would have liked but only because little legs can’t walk very far. We took our time getting from here to there and stopped a lot along the way to shop or eat or meander through a park.

There is so much to do in Chicago and we tackled a lot! From meeting Sue, the best-preserved T. rex on display at the Field Museum, eating stuffed pizza at the famed Giordano’s, running through the water pads at Millennium Park, taking goofy photos at “the Bean”, enjoying incredible views of the city from the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower (now known as Willis Tower), spending hours at the awesome Children’s Museum at Navy Pier and having a lot of down time in our hotel room. We shopped a little (I kind of went nuts at the Nike store) watched very little TV, and talked a lot, mostly about the upcoming school year and how much we missed home and our precious little Lola.

Lucas may have dragged me to the Lego store at the beautiful Water Tower Place more than once but I’d buy him all the Lego in the world if I could. I’m grateful for the bonding time I had with my son this summer and look forward to taking an annual summer trip with him.

Where to next year?

Kindergarten Is Big Time

Posted on September 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas has been in preschool or PreK since he was two years old, but Kindergarten is different.

Kindergarten is BIG time.

Our family had a lot of fun getting ready for the BIG day over the summer.

Periodically, my husband and I both checked in with him… And not once did Lucas express apprehension or nerves over a new school, having to make new friends, or what a huge milestone this was/is to his parents.

I stocked up on collared shirts a size larger than last year, crisp white socks and undies and two new pairs of sneakers. The kitchen was full of all his favorite foods; jars of peanut butter, ripe but not too ripe bananas, grapes, strawberry-flavored Go-Gurts, baby carrots and garlic humus.

I was so anxious the night before making sure we had separate labeled bags for his snack and lunch, double checking all the reuseable water bottles had matching lids and that we had a change of clothes AND shoes, a favorite blanket for rest time and that his first day clothes were laid out.

We also talked about Lucas’s goals for the upcoming school year and wrote them down so that we/he, once he accomplished #1 could revisit them from time to time. I think he is more than capable of achieving each and every one:

We are 10 days into the new school year and Lucas is as enthusiastic as he was all summer. He’s more tired at the end of the day than usual, but that’s what a five-day school week will do to a little boy who no longer naps, but he’s buzzing with new ideas and school projects.

Last week he explained sequence to me and brought home a baggie full of liquid polymers that he learned about in science class, together we created a vision writing board and he is very eager for me to plan a play dates with his new friends.

I’m proud of my boy but as a mother, it still shocks the hell of me when I think something is going to bother him or make him fearful and he demonstrates the exact opposite. I hope things continue to go so smoothly for him but I’ll be ready if we encounter any hiccups.

Last Day Of Preschool

Posted on July 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

Yesterday was Lucas’s last day at the preschool he has attended for three years. We tucked a love note in his lunchbox and shared cookies and snacks to celebrate with his classmates, who had all signed an adorable farewell card for him. He brought home the name tag that has been affixed to his tiny desk since January and his personalized pencil box.

He was fine yesterday but the day before he was very emotional about not seeing his friends again. As soon as he saw me, he burst into tears. Having moved around a lot as a child, I could completely empathize. I assured him that we would keep in touch and he could see his friends as often as he wanted, in fact I wrote a note for one of the mothers right then and there to prove I meant it. She has already called and a play date has been scheduled for next week!

He has come along way, our little boy. I often wonder if we sent him to school too early; he was barely two-years-old, not even potty trained. It was only two mornings (9:00-12:00) a week to start and then three and then three full days (9:00-3:00) and then four full days.

Lucas has had three teachers and been in two classrooms at the small Montessori school. They have taught him a lot and I am grateful to his teachers and the staff for their dedication and for making his first educational experience so positive.

He has outgrown the small school now and will be attending a much bigger private school in September, where there will be new things to learn and many friends to make. We are very excited about this milestone.

And if you are getting sick of my OMG-my-son-is-a-Kindergartener posts yet, I’m sorry. They will continue throughout the summer and probably all next school year.

The Day Lola Was Born

Posted on July 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Babies are such a nice way to start people. – Don Herold

I love hearing how humans enter the world, each story is unique and very special. I hope you don’t mind me sharing Lola’s birth story.

I had taken Charlie for a 3-mile walk on the morning of Thursday, January 30 and then had a fetal monitoring appointment. After 33 weeks I was going twice a week.

During this particular appointment, Lola’s heart rate dipped six times, my blood pressure was (and had been) on the high side, plus an ultrasound revealed that she had turned around again (the first time had been at 35 weeks and I was able to turn her around on my own without medical intervention) so the doctor insisted on sending me to the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital.

I hadn’t showered and I had the dog in the car were my first thoughts immediately after, holy shit, I’m having the baby today! After three and half years of waiting and nine months of keeping our miracle safe and sound tucked inside my belly, this is how it’s going to happen. After months of trying to predict and control birthing day, now I know. Okay. I can do this. Right?

With my mind racing, I started crying uncontrollably because I knew my baby would be delivered via C-section and that was the last thing I wanted. I wrote about my ideal birth plan here.

I called my husband from the car and I was shaking, had a hard time speaking but managed to convey that I would take the dog home and keep him posted. I had a feeling I’d get to L&D and everything would be fine and I would be sent home or we’d be having a baby later that day. He told me to take the dog to our favorite local doggie daycare instead and then we would have one last thing to worry about. He would standby for more news and in the meantime wrap up things at work so that he could meet me at the hospital. We agreed not to alert family just yet.

Against doctor’s orders after the doggie day care I also stopped by our house. I had to pee, it was on the way and there were a couple of things I wanted to do, like find a big red ribbon to put around the three carefully wrapped presents (Angry Birds Go! Game, I Spy! Bingo and Hi Ho Cherry-O!) that “the baby” would be giving her big brother once they met. I also wanted to make sure my slippers and make up bag were in my suitcase. I know, I know, I wasn’t in my right mind and needless to say, no make up was worn during my four day hospital stay.

After several hours and running down my phone battery not once, but twice, being adjusted and readjusted, the baby’s heart was fine and my blood pressure was normal. She was still in a breech position when my OB called me around 3:00. She was relieved when I told her that I’d have a C-section and asked if we could do it that evening. I knew if I went home I’d be wrought with worry and unable to sleep. Plus, at this late stage of the game (one day past my due date) I didn’t think I could turn the baby around again.

After Todd picked up Lucas from preschool, he brought him to the hospital to say hello. We discussed names together as a family and Lucas, who had been dead set on Lola since we told him we were expecting and refused to entertain anything else was now suddenly open to middle names. He had selected a middle name too, but was now eager to hear our choices. When talking about his day at school he mentioned his friend Paigey. Paige, but everyone calls her Paigey, which is just about the cutest things ever. Todd and I looked at each other and that was it. Lola Paige. It also helped that Todd has a close friend named Paige.

A C-section was scheduled for 7:00 PM and leading up to it the anesthesiologist visited me at least three times that I remember, maybe more and reviewed the entire process start to finish, patiently answered my questions and tried his best to reassure me.

It was almost 8:00 when I was finally taken to the OR and Lola was born at 8:19. It was quick but I was terrified and hated every moment of the procedure, hated not being able to feel anything, hated not being in control, hated being pinned down like Jesus on the cross and I cried throughout the procedure.

I knew it was what was best for the baby but it wasn’t how I had envisioned bringing this child into the world. I was relieved Todd could be with me (Lucas was at home with our good friends, Ed and Carol) and really happy that it was my OB to perform the procedure, but I still hated not being able to feel anything!

It turns out that Lola wasn’t breech by the time I was in the operating room (she had turned around again in less than an hour!!) but had somehow put two knots in the umbilical cord, so we would have ended up in the OR anyway.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her once I saw her and one of the (many) advantages of a C-section is that baby’s heads are perfectly round. She was beautiful. We all thought she looked just like Lucas when he was born, but a female version… daintier and smaller. It’s hard to put into words what it was like to finally meet my daughter and makes me tear up even now as I type this. I was elated and thankful and so relieved. Finally she was here. Finally.

My recovery was rough and very unexpected. I was able to stand up by the next morning after the catheter was removed, but remained in pain the entire hospital stay and for weeks after. It hurt when I laughed or sneezed or coughed or moved in any way. I was sure every time I looked down at my belly that my insides would be spilling out, but that never happened. I was so grateful when I could finally walk around the ward, making it one loop was a triumph!

Lucas met his sister Friday morning and was wonderful with her, albeit timid and shy. I had dreamed about their first encounter but had zero expectations. He held her right away and offered her kisses and tiny soft pats on the head. It made me deliriously happy to see them together.

Todd stayed at the hospital with me two nights and my sister one night. We were getting to own our baby as went about diaper changes and feedings. We were mesmerized by her alert alien-like eyes and tiny fingers.

I was able to come home the afternoon of Super Bowl Sunday (Seattle Seahawks, 43 vs. the Denver Broncos, 8) but I wish I could have stayed one more night.

I was very emotional as we took the elevator downstairs and then running into our fertility doctor in the parking lot was completely surreal. She said she hardly ever comes to that hospital and what are the chances?! I was face-to-face with the very woman responsible for this tiny miracle. It was too much. I was so overcome and couldn’t stop crying. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will treasure always.

Huddled around the TV in our living room, we all paid way more attention to the bundle in my arms than the game. The house was full of bouquets of carefully placed flower vases, thanks to my mother-in-law. We had a full house and full hearts. Looking back all I can remember is the pain I felt in my abdomen but the peace in my heart.

The loves of my life!

If you are interested in reading Lucas’s birth story, you can find it here.

The Best Thing About January

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