motherhood

My Miracle

Posted on March 24, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’ve lost my temper.
I’ve lost my way.
I’ve lost jobs.
I’ve missed deadlines.
I’ve missed flights.
I’ve missed opportunities.
I’ve broken the law.
I’ve broken promises.
I’ve broken hearts.
I’ve overindulged.
I’ve under delivered.
I’ve lied.
I’ve cheated.
I’ve procrastinated.
I’ve had to have the last word.
I’ve taken short cuts.
I’ve screwed up.
I’ve made excuses.
I’ve said awful things to people I love.
I’ve played dumb.
I’ve destroyed relationships.
I’ve avoided confrontation.
I’ve given up.
I’ve misled.
I’ve bitched.
I’ve complained.
I’ve boasted.
I’ve belittled.
I’ve judged.
I’ve been stubborn.
I’ve been ungrateful.
I’ve been impatient.
I’ve been distrusting.
I’ve been cruel.
I’ve been selfish.
I’ve been weak.

I’m a mess.

But there’s this boy…

…and he is made of pure sunshine, turns my heart into butter and brings so much joy to my life.

He makes me want to be a better person.

Lucas is the best thing I have ever done in my life.

He’s a miracle.

My miracle.

Model Student

Posted on February 26, 2013 Written by Tonya

Instead of catching up on e-mail, playing Words with Friends or chatting with the other mothers while Lucas was in his recent My Gym class, I watched him for the entire hour.

I watched the confident way he carried himself and his friendly interaction with his classmates and teachers and I don’t think I have ever been prouder.

Not only did he tumble, jump, twirl and dance, he waited patiently for his turn to walk across the balance beam and somersault down the inclined mat.

I watched him cheer his classmates on with encouraging, “you can do it!” and “that was awesome!”.

I watched him look to his instructors for approval and smile brightly at me from across the room.

I watched him make space on the mat for others and beamed at his enthusiastic, “ta-da”, the gym’s mantra. Talk about heart melting! He was so proud of himself.

I watched him hold on with all his might on the high bar barely completing three chin lifts, but he did it!

I watched him stifle his laughter while climbing across a rope ladder and heard him squeal with pure delight on the mini zip line. The thumb’s up her gave me upon reaching the opposite wall was priceless.

There are moments in motherhood, rare and magical that make all the frustration, worry and hard work worthwhile, moments when you just know in your gut you’ve got a great kid and you’re doing okay as a parent and this was definitely one of them for me.

Lucas had fun, was polite and courteous and tried his very best. What more could a mother ask for?

What A Difference A Day Makes

Posted on February 6, 2013 Written by Tonya

Yesterday there were two time-outs before 8 AM.
Today there were cuddles, giggles and good morning kisses.

Yesterday we had cereal and back talk for breakfast
Today we shared pancakes, strawberries and laughter.

Yesterday we argued over the TV, my phone and the iPad.
Today there was no mention of electronics whatsoever (SHOCKING!).

Yesterday we negotiated ad nauseam over the red vs. the blue shirt, teeth brushing, nose wiping, jacket wearing and picking up toys.
Today what was laid out was worn and you asked to brush your teeth and have your nose wiped. The toys are still all over the floor in the playroom.

Yesterday we were rushed and late for everything.
Today we had time to spare.

Yesterday there was no nap and therefore more time outs.
Today we read books and rested comfortably together.

Yesterday there were no unsolicited hugs.
Today was filled with “I love yous” and smiles.

Yesterday there was a lot of shouting followed by a tension headache and clock watching until bedtime.
Today there was a Chutes & Ladders marathon, Aqua Doodle fun and dancing around the living room.

Yesterday there was a shortage of patience, tolerance, peace and quiet.
Today was completely different.

Thank goodness.

Broken Record

Posted on January 22, 2013 Written by Tonya

‘No’ is a complete sentence. – Anne Lamott

My son will never fully understand the term, “I’m starting to sound like a broken record” because he’ll never own a record, but it really is the best way to describe 90% of what comes out of my mouth and in through one of his ears and out the other on any given day.

Spoken in varying degrees of volume I might add.

If you aren’t going to eat it, why did you ask for it?

Let’s go, we’re going to be late!

Now, Lucas!!

I love you.

Please don’t put that in your mouth.

What do you say?

What did you say?

You’re so sweet, buddy.

No shoes on the couch.

Please don’t talk to me that way.

Will you please pick up these toys?

You did such a great job!

Do you need to potty?

Are you sure?

Do you need some help?

Let me fix your undies.

What do you mean no more kisses?

Are you tired?

No nap?

No potty talk, please.

Be nice to the dog.

How did I get so lucky?

It’s not time for TV.

No means no.

Maybe.

Stop at the corner!

Use the brake, not your shoe.

I’m so proud of you.

No splashing.

Be careful, buddy.

No running.

Thank you for listening.

None of that stuff belongs in here, take it into the play room.

Indoor voice.

Why are you yelling?

Please stop yelling.

Of course, I’ll get you a snack, read to you, play a game, color, put on music, take you to the park, jump on the trampoline, build a tower, let you play with glitter.

Agh!! I’m either cleaning up a mess you’ve made or the dog made.

That’s the 45th time you have asked me to help you look for your Chuggingtons and I said I would when we get home.

Not one more time, do you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Do you know how much I love you?

This Is Childhood

Posted on January 19, 2013 Written by Tonya

One of the things I love most about being a mom is the unexpected moments that literally stop me in my tracks, moments that couldn’t be planned or posed, even if I tried, moments of pure innocence and pure joy.

These candid moments make childhood special.

These moments make up childhood… skinned knees, whimsy and wonder, drawing with chalk in sun, tenderly feeding a bunny, play and discovery, picking out a treat at the movie theater, falling asleep amidst a pile of books, hanging upside down from a tire swing and slurping up what’s left of the milk from a cereal bowl.

These moments make me so happy to be this boy’s mom.

“You help me see the beauty in everything.” – Kelly Clarkson, Catch My Breath

Call Your Mom

Posted on October 28, 2012 Written by Tonya

Mom cuts the crusts off your peanut butter sandwich and removes the skin from your apples.

Mom stays up with you all night when you are sick, rubbing your back and quietly singing Carpenters songs.

Mom washes your clothes and leaves them neatly folded on your bed.

Mom sews loose buttons.

Mom cries at Hallmark commercials.

Mom schedules all your play dates, doctor and dentist appointments and makes sure you’re on time for each one.

Mom takes you to four different stores in search of those shoes you just have to have.

Mom always cheers the loudest for you.

Mom will be the first person you want to call with good news or bad.

Mom makes your favorite cake on your birthday and is the keeper of treasured family recipes.

Mom sneaks love notes into your lunch box.

Mom is there when your heart has been broken and you can’t stop crying.

Mom often knows you better than you know yourself.

Mom wants to hug and kiss you and tell you how special you are every chance she gets.

Mom has silly expressions that make you roll your eyes in embarrassment, but you will grow to love them anyway.

Mom knows exactly what to do and say to make you feel better.

Mom always seems to call at the worst time.

Mom renews your library books.

Mom loves to decorate the house for each and every holiday, but especially Christmas.

Mom notices when you’ve outgrown your pants and socks need replacing.

Mom makes sure you’re all tucked in at night before she goes to bed.

Mom saves the last piece of pie for you, your first lock of hair and every art project you bring home from school.

Mom reminds you to stand up straight, send handwritten thank you notes and always pack an umbrella.

Mom is never without a Kleenex, mint, band-aid or smile.

Christmas, 2005

Mom is everything.

I miss my mom.

I can’t call mine, so please call yours.

The Power Of A Sock

Posted on September 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

Even before I started looking I knew the evidence was all around our house.

My first clue was the lone baby sock I discovered in the bottom of a suitcase. He hasn’t been able to wear it in three years.

The tiny, white, soft sock, still smelled of Dreft made me nostalgic, yes but also had me searching for more proof…

Upon further investigation, I realized he’s gone from big wooden chunky puzzle pieces with handles to masterfully assembling the 30+ piece sets.

He’s physically heavier, weighting nearly 34 pounds. I never hesitate to carry him when he asks.

No longer in diapers (except at bedtime), he is learning how his body functions and all about feelings.

Instead of moving his cars across the floor, he creates scenarios and they have conversations with one another.

He loves to play Candy Land, Go Fish, Hide & Seek and Red Light, Green Light and I swear uses real strategy to assure a victory.

The pile of 2T and even some 3T clothing builds as we hand down the things he’s outgrown to our friends children.

He has opinions, knows how to make me laugh, recites the Pledge of Allegiance and can sing along to every word of Call Me Maybe.

More often than not, he opts to walk over being pushed in the stroller.

But the real proof that our house no longer has a baby is in his face. It’s more defined instead of soft and round.

He’s gone from a baby to a little boy in the blink of an eye and it is wonderful to witness.

It’s also enough to make me want to sit in a corner with a tub of ice cream and gallon of wine and cry. Maybe I should reach out to my RE and start up on the baby #2 trail again?

Better yet, I’m going enjoy what I have right this very minute.

Funny how much power a lone sock can have.

Just Now

Posted on September 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

Just a year ago your world revolved around Thomas the Train & Friends, this year, it is all about Cars.

Just months ago you were overcome with anxiousness at swim lessons and now you can lap the entire length of the pool all by yourself.

Just weeks ago you started your second year of preschool with calmed nerves but an ever curious mind still working at full throttle.

Just this morning we sat across from one another and had breakfast; a bagel with cream cheese and grapes for you, toast and tea for me. Soon afterwards, I put a shirt on you that I knew was too small but was still hoping would fit.

Just this afternoon I picked you up from school and was greeted, as usual with your brilliant smile and a welcoming hug.

Just hours ago we were decorating Halloween cookies together with our friends and you were licking orange and black frosting from your finger tips.

Just hours ago you were sprawled out in bed, your friends next you watching a movie and having “real” conversations with one another.

Just minutes ago I was reading you a Berenstain Bears book about dinosaurs; prehistoric creatures with names I need help pronouncing but for you, they effortlessly roll off your tongue.

Just now I watch you sleep quietly by my side. I count your breaths, drink in your sweet scent and wonder what tomorrow will bring.

The Good Stuff

Posted on July 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

I hope my son doesn’t remember.

I hope he can’t recall everything I say and do.

I’d rather his memories of me standing in front of the mirror plucking my gray hairs and applying face masks be fuzzy.

Just as I’d rather he completely block out the time I yelled at him so loudly my entire body shook,

beat myself up about not working out or accomplishing more on my “To Do” list,

ran out of patience, not to mention creative ideas because he wouldn’t go to bed and I hid out in the bathroom for several minutes before I regained composure,

would go days without make-up or washing my hair,

wept for people he’ll never know and those we both have yet to meet.

called a friend an unkind word under my breath,

banged my fists on the steering wheel in anguish,

sighed heavily at unmet expectations that were set entirely too high to begin with,

slammed a door in frustration,

cried as I told his dad I didn’t think I was cut out for this motherhood thing,

threw my phone across the room in a blind rage.

The list of my not so finer moments goes on and on. I’m sure you have one of your own; things you wish you could change, protect your child from, moments you would do over if it were possible.

We are parents.

We are human.

We make mistakes.

I make mistakes.

Tons of them.

I hope my son only remembers the good stuff.

And if not, I hope he can forgive my flaws and indiscretions.

I Never Knew…

Posted on June 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

…that my sleep patterns would be so completely interrupted.

…that I would wipe your snot with the sleeve of my shirt.

…that there would be stickers on my living room floor for weeks on end.

…that World War III would break out if I offered the “wrong” flavor of juice.

…that I would utter the words, “Don’t lick that”, “Do you have to use the potty?” or, “Maybe” so many times.

…that rainy days would make me want to cry.

…that we would waste so much food!

…that my patience would be tried each and every day in ways I never could imagine.

…that there was so much I didn’t know.

…that there would be crayon marks on our walls, Play-Doh ground into clothing and paint caked to our dining table.

…that jumping in puddles would so fun.

…that there would be so many little toy pieces to misplace, lose all together, step on, or throw over the fence our neighbor’s yard.

…that there would be master negotiation tactics used in my house on an hourly basis. Seriously, show me a man on a ledge of a highrise and I’ll get him down!

…that ice cream, M&M’s and lollipops held so much power.

…that time-outs would be as much for you as they are for me.

…that I would spend half a lunch at a restaurant (with my in laws!!) coaxing you out from underneath the table. Grrr.

…that my heart could be so full.

This photo was taken yesterday. Do not let the innocent look on his face fool you, this little hellion refused to sit at the table, eat or cooperate in any way. Holy embarrassing!

My Miracle

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