motherhood

In A Nutshell

Posted on August 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas and I had a blast in Chicago and I will share more about our first annual mother/son trip, including photos soon, but first I want to acknowledge my FIVE year blogiversary! Just under the wire, I might add as it’s almost midnight on the West Coast.

I posted the following photo on my Facebook fan page because I didn’t think I would be able to write a post and wanted to recognize this day in some way and I received a comment with the exact message that I needed to read today.

The note is from a new friend and Letters For Lucas reader, Darya and says:

The first words I ever said to you was at the GLOLunch and I told you how happy and relieved I was to have you ask the question regarding time to blog posts vs your new life–what to do? I may be new to blogging, but I am kinda old to mothering and woman-ing, and I can promise you that the blog will wait, your babies will not. Keep on keeping on, Momma and we will all be here when life circles back around. Congratulations! And when it comes to blogging, you are already at the place where I want to be.

Thank you, Darya. Thank you for your wise words and understanding.

The last couple of months have been both challenging and busy with summer camps, karate, swim lessons, play dates, trips, concerts, a traveling husband and a lot of laundry! At one point today I looked at my coffee table and captured this shot:

My life in a nutshell.

This is my life in a nutshell these days… A dirty diaper, a bottle, a fearless and delicious baby, Lego, struggles over activity books vs. screen time, endless rounds of Connect 4 and Spot It, which if you aren’t playing with your 5-10 year old, you should be, remnants of snacks and counting down to Kindergarten!

The only thing missing from this photo besides my best buddy Lucas of course, is my daily intake of caffeine. In a moment of mothering weakness, I called my husband at work and asked for help. I needed some relief, so a few hours later, he rescheduled a meeting, came home early and took Lucas skateboarding.

This is motherhood.

This is mothering.

This leaves little time for blogging.

And I’m okay with that.

Here’s to five years, but more than that, here’s to mothering!

Just The Two Of Us

Posted on August 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

I began daydreaming about a mother/son trip when I first saw the Expedia Find Your Storybook advertisement on TV. The one where the mother is reading her son a bedtime story and simultaneously on an awesome adventure with him.

…where villages floated on water and castles were houses, dragons lurked and giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real.

And then Lucas and I started butting heads.

Bad!

He’s five, so not listening, pushing my buttons and being defiant come with the territory. But I know that there’s more to it than that because when it’s just the two of us, he’s super.

Lucas has been very patient and understanding of my now divided time between him and his six-month-old sister but he doesn’t quite understand how much his Lola truly needs me right now.

I get it.

He misses me and being the center of my attention and this has been demonstrated by him asking more than once, “Can’t we leave Lola at home and go do something, just you and me?”.

Sigh.

I miss him too.

It has been particularly challenging now that it’s summer and he is not in school for a large portion of the day. We play a game of Uno or Connect Four in between diaper changes and bottle feedings. I’m constantly running back in the house to listen for cries while I should be focused on our game of Ring Toss in the backyard.

We’ve had some awesome mother/son dates, which for some reason are growing increasingly harder to schedule and since it’s summer, I really want to make an impact, leave an impression, do something grand with my son. And yes, put the mommy guilt at bay for a while.

So, with only two more weeks of vacation, what better time to get away, just the two of us? I’m hoping our mother/son trip becomes an annual tradition. This year we are tackling Chicago and leave Thursday. Lucas and I are both bursting with excitement over getting away and creating our own adventure, one that will include Navy Pier, Millennium Park, The Shedd Aquarium and deep dish pizza all without his little sister.

The idea of visiting the Windy City came from my desire to go there and all that it offers children. I’ve been to Chicago several times and I’m looking forward to seeing it through the eyes of my son.

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Flawless

Posted on August 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

My six-month old crawls around my bathroom floor or sits in her bouncy seat as I shower, dress and get ready for the day.

I wonder what she’s thinking as I stand in front of the mirror primping and editing, grimacing at my reflection.

She tracks every movement I make completely mesmerized.

I painstakingly dry and then flatten my curly hair straight, cursing the thickness and amount.

She’s focused.

I carefully pluck stray gray hairs from my head and then tweeze my eyebrows.

She stares in awe.

I apply body lotion and eye cream.

Her gaze is wide and bright.

I examine my face with a magnification mirror, picking and squeezing at tiny black heads.

Each of my actions provide a mystery for her to solve.

I scrutinize my midsection and wonder if I’ll always have 5-10 pounds to lose.

Her curious eyes taking it all in.

This little girl is always watching and listening to what I say and do. What messages do I want her to see? What do I want her to hear? It will be years before she has to worry about any of this, but I think about it almost daily. How will I explain my own vanity to my daughter?

I’ll be honest about the work that can go into attaining feminine beauty and the pressures that are placed on even those who work at it the hardest. I’ll explain that these “pressures” are often self inflicted because of what our society says is beautiful.

I will tell her no matter how she views herself or how she thinks others are, that she is flawless.

I will stress that beauty comes from the inside no matter how many lotions and potions she uses and that less is often more.

I will try to convey that to feel beautiful and confident and accepting of herself is the key to longevity.

And I know she’ll believe me, just as soon as I do.

Embracing Pink

Posted on July 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

I am in no way, shape or form a girly girl, which according to Wikipedia is defined as:

“…a slang term for a girl or woman who chooses to dress and behave in an especially feminine style, such as wearing pink, using make-up, using perfume, dressing in skirts, dresses and blouses, and talking about relationships and other activities which are associated with the traditional gender role of a girl.”

I’m not into ribbons and bows, lace or frilly flowery things.

I don’t wear a lot of makeup, if any, absolutely no sparkly stuff and you can typically find my hair pulled back in a ponytail under a baseball cap.

There are way more pairs of jeans and sneakers in my closet than dresses, blouses or heels. In fact, I look like the Jolly Green Giant whenever I try to walk in heels. Seriously, there should be a class.

I don’t like to shop, hate gossip, except of the celebrity variety and don’t know the current “in” princesses, although you’d have to be living under a rock not to have heard about Elsa and Anna.

And I hate the color pink!

It’s funny though, when Lucas was born I grew so tired of blue, my favorite color that very much out of character bought a hot pink wallet and then later purse to match.

Feeling engulfed by boys (just the two… my husband and son) I started to get comfortable with my feminine side. I began to enjoy getting dressed up in heels and dresses for date nights and dinner with my girlfriends and asked a friend more than once to help me apply my makeup.

Before the ultrasound tech could confirm I was having a boy with Lucas I knew and the same thing happened with Lola. I just felt she was a girl. I have always dreaded the possibility of having a daughter, which deserves to be the subject of its own post, but one main reason is because I still feel so out of touch with girly things.

And let’s face it, too much pink can be sickening!I refuse to buy Lola pink anything, but I still seem to be surrounded by the hue.

So while I’m not looking forward to braiding hair, pretend spa in my living room, cleaning up piles of glitter or the sheer drama that comes with being a female, I am s l o w l y embracing pink and hoping that Lola finds her own style as she grows, just so long as it isn’t to girly girl.

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

The Day Lola Was Born

Posted on July 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Babies are such a nice way to start people. – Don Herold

I love hearing how humans enter the world, each story is unique and very special. I hope you don’t mind me sharing Lola’s birth story.

I had taken Charlie for a 3-mile walk on the morning of Thursday, January 30 and then had a fetal monitoring appointment. After 33 weeks I was going twice a week.

During this particular appointment, Lola’s heart rate dipped six times, my blood pressure was (and had been) on the high side, plus an ultrasound revealed that she had turned around again (the first time had been at 35 weeks and I was able to turn her around on my own without medical intervention) so the doctor insisted on sending me to the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital.

I hadn’t showered and I had the dog in the car were my first thoughts immediately after, holy shit, I’m having the baby today! After three and half years of waiting and nine months of keeping our miracle safe and sound tucked inside my belly, this is how it’s going to happen. After months of trying to predict and control birthing day, now I know. Okay. I can do this. Right?

With my mind racing, I started crying uncontrollably because I knew my baby would be delivered via C-section and that was the last thing I wanted. I wrote about my ideal birth plan here.

I called my husband from the car and I was shaking, had a hard time speaking but managed to convey that I would take the dog home and keep him posted. I had a feeling I’d get to L&D and everything would be fine and I would be sent home or we’d be having a baby later that day. He told me to take the dog to our favorite local doggie daycare instead and then we would have one last thing to worry about. He would standby for more news and in the meantime wrap up things at work so that he could meet me at the hospital. We agreed not to alert family just yet.

Against doctor’s orders after the doggie day care I also stopped by our house. I had to pee, it was on the way and there were a couple of things I wanted to do, like find a big red ribbon to put around the three carefully wrapped presents (Angry Birds Go! Game, I Spy! Bingo and Hi Ho Cherry-O!) that “the baby” would be giving her big brother once they met. I also wanted to make sure my slippers and make up bag were in my suitcase. I know, I know, I wasn’t in my right mind and needless to say, no make up was worn during my four day hospital stay.

After several hours and running down my phone battery not once, but twice, being adjusted and readjusted, the baby’s heart was fine and my blood pressure was normal. She was still in a breech position when my OB called me around 3:00. She was relieved when I told her that I’d have a C-section and asked if we could do it that evening. I knew if I went home I’d be wrought with worry and unable to sleep. Plus, at this late stage of the game (one day past my due date) I didn’t think I could turn the baby around again.

After Todd picked up Lucas from preschool, he brought him to the hospital to say hello. We discussed names together as a family and Lucas, who had been dead set on Lola since we told him we were expecting and refused to entertain anything else was now suddenly open to middle names. He had selected a middle name too, but was now eager to hear our choices. When talking about his day at school he mentioned his friend Paigey. Paige, but everyone calls her Paigey, which is just about the cutest things ever. Todd and I looked at each other and that was it. Lola Paige. It also helped that Todd has a close friend named Paige.

A C-section was scheduled for 7:00 PM and leading up to it the anesthesiologist visited me at least three times that I remember, maybe more and reviewed the entire process start to finish, patiently answered my questions and tried his best to reassure me.

It was almost 8:00 when I was finally taken to the OR and Lola was born at 8:19. It was quick but I was terrified and hated every moment of the procedure, hated not being able to feel anything, hated not being in control, hated being pinned down like Jesus on the cross and I cried throughout the procedure.

I knew it was what was best for the baby but it wasn’t how I had envisioned bringing this child into the world. I was relieved Todd could be with me (Lucas was at home with our good friends, Ed and Carol) and really happy that it was my OB to perform the procedure, but I still hated not being able to feel anything!

It turns out that Lola wasn’t breech by the time I was in the operating room (she had turned around again in less than an hour!!) but had somehow put two knots in the umbilical cord, so we would have ended up in the OR anyway.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her once I saw her and one of the (many) advantages of a C-section is that baby’s heads are perfectly round. She was beautiful. We all thought she looked just like Lucas when he was born, but a female version… daintier and smaller. It’s hard to put into words what it was like to finally meet my daughter and makes me tear up even now as I type this. I was elated and thankful and so relieved. Finally she was here. Finally.

My recovery was rough and very unexpected. I was able to stand up by the next morning after the catheter was removed, but remained in pain the entire hospital stay and for weeks after. It hurt when I laughed or sneezed or coughed or moved in any way. I was sure every time I looked down at my belly that my insides would be spilling out, but that never happened. I was so grateful when I could finally walk around the ward, making it one loop was a triumph!

Lucas met his sister Friday morning and was wonderful with her, albeit timid and shy. I had dreamed about their first encounter but had zero expectations. He held her right away and offered her kisses and tiny soft pats on the head. It made me deliriously happy to see them together.

Todd stayed at the hospital with me two nights and my sister one night. We were getting to own our baby as went about diaper changes and feedings. We were mesmerized by her alert alien-like eyes and tiny fingers.

I was able to come home the afternoon of Super Bowl Sunday (Seattle Seahawks, 43 vs. the Denver Broncos, 8) but I wish I could have stayed one more night.

I was very emotional as we took the elevator downstairs and then running into our fertility doctor in the parking lot was completely surreal. She said she hardly ever comes to that hospital and what are the chances?! I was face-to-face with the very woman responsible for this tiny miracle. It was too much. I was so overcome and couldn’t stop crying. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will treasure always.

Huddled around the TV in our living room, we all paid way more attention to the bundle in my arms than the game. The house was full of bouquets of carefully placed flower vases, thanks to my mother-in-law. We had a full house and full hearts. Looking back all I can remember is the pain I felt in my abdomen but the peace in my heart.

The loves of my life!

If you are interested in reading Lucas’s birth story, you can find it here.

The Story Behind The Post

Posted on June 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really into social media, I have a Facebook account, I tweet, share photos on Instagram and spend an exorbitant amount of time on Pinterest. I’m active and post a lot.

Two weeks ago, I was trying to get dressed, pack for a weekend out of town, and get to Lucas’s preschool by noon to pick him up early. Lola wasn’t interested in letting me do any of those things. You know how four-month olds can be. She wasn’t fussy and didn’t need anything in particular, she just seemed… bored.

After having fed her, changed her and played with her for a while, I laid her on my bed with her favorite gauzy blanket and a soft book that she enjoys chewing and as I stepped into the shower and looked over at her, I noticed that she was on her belly with an erect head watching the Today Show. I snapped a photo. I added a filter to the photo and instantly fell in love with it. I love the contrast of dark vs. light on our bed spread, I love that the TV is out of view but the remote is plainly in sight and I love how tiny she looks on our gigantic bed.

I posted this photo and status to Facebook:

At dinner the following evening, my husband, an inactive Facebook user, admitted to not having read any of the comments left on the photo, had this to say to me: “I didn’t like the careless nature of your recent Facebook post.” He wasn’t trying to start an argument and went on to explain that he knew what I was going through that morning and we’ve all been there, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, but doesn’t see the “need to be proud of our bad choices.” In other words, only share the good stuff.

Huh?

First I was surprised that he’d even seen it and secondly I felt attacked by his comments and was quick to justify my decision both about why I posted the photo and my comment and my parenting skills. I wasn’t trying to be defiant or controversial and I certainly wasn’t looking for approval for my actions nor a discussion about what age children should be allowed to watch television, I know our daughter is too young. Plus, I’m only human and very flawed and I can share that and be okay with it.

After we went back and forth a bit and I was able to step down off my high horse, we had a very interesting discussion about social media and I’m still thinking about it two weeks later, in particular: why do we post what we post? Or more importantly, why do I post what I post?

I post because I’m crazy lucky, think my children are darling, I’m very proud of them, love the funny and insightful things Lucas says and believe others will too, feel like every now and then I take a half decent photo (like the one above) and I like to keep family and friends near and far up to date on my little family and our lives.

Sometimes, I’ll post something simply for that “me too” factor, which was definitely the case here because I knew other moms would identify. I love it when people empathize, sympathize, agree or disagree or teach me a different perspective.

I’m not special, just a stay-at-home mom doing the best I can, trying to balance two kids, find time for myself, my marriage and family and friends. I love to travel, read, exercise and dine out. Preferably with wine and interesting company. I believe my posts reflect all of the above.

I’ll never bitch about my kids or that summer is too long or count down the days until they go back to school or that they are driving me bat shit crazy, but you better believe they do. I don’t like downer posts or complaining, but I’m not above it. I’ll throw myself under the bus. I hate vaguebooking (an intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help) and I will never push my politics or religion! Ever. I like posts to be light, funny and cute. I also don’t post things to get “likes” or “shares”, but they are certainly nice.

I post for me.

I might think twice now before posting something because of my husband’s comments, but I doubt it. Our conversation did make me think about the image I want to present to the world and I’m okay showing both the good and the bad. And although we might disagree with the nature of my status updates and/or photos I choose to share, we agree on one thing: we are proud of this life from any angle.

If you are active on social media, why do you post what you do? Do you think through the ramifications if any before posting something?

Before Turning Five

Posted on May 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have been feeling nostalgic, extremely proud, a little sad and slightly offended by the passing of time lately. A week from today my son, my firstborn and the one who made me a mama will be turning five. Five!!

Lucas is an awesome kid with a silly sense of humor and an undying curiosity, two traits I hope he always possesses. He’s also a sweet sensitive little boy and is learning how to be more independent and how to take no for an answer.

My son had a banner year and I couldn’t possibly list all of his accomplishments (yes, this is going to be one of those posts) but I would like to share a few that stand out for me. In no particular order:

As a family we survived a nine month stint in a tiny two bedroom apartment while we searched for a house and while he mirrored my frustration with our living situation, Lucas really made the best of it and out of all of us was the most adaptable. He also served as an active participant in our home search and shared his desire for a backyard and missing his trampoline and a dedicated play area. He was patient and understanding through our moves.

Twice this year Lucas has gone through his toys and allowed us to either set some things aside for his little sister to play with someday or give items to goodwill. This is not an easy feat for children but he did it with ease and graciousness.

I will always remember this as the year Lucas went from being obsessed with Cars to being obsessed with Star Wars. We are currently up to our eyeballs in Jedi, droids and intergalactic battles. Enough said.

In January, Lucas was moved into the upper Pre-K class at his current preschool and in March was accepted into a local prestigious private school where he will begin kindergarten this fall. He was one of only 17 students out of 70 accepted! We are excited about next school year and all the new things Lucas will be exposed to.

One of Lucas and his dad’s favorite things to do together is go skateboarding and over the last year, Lucas has become proficient at it! He practices safety and caution while at the same time pushing himself and being daring in spite of a few skinned knees and elbows.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we hosted Lucas’s first sleep over and it was fun, but also a tiny glimpse into our future of being cast aside in favor of being with friends.

Just yesterday, Lucas earned a yellow belt in karate, a sport he’s only been participating in since mid-January. He’d been practicing for days, worked with a friend and his sensi to perfect the series of moves and announced on the way to class that he was ready to test. He said advancing to the next level was something that he wanted to do before turning five and he did it!

One of Lucas’s biggest accomplishments this year was becoming a big brother, a role that he seemed born to have. At only four months old, Lola idolizes him and has since the very first moment they met and he is completely enamored by her. Watching their relationship grow and develop and seeing Lucas’s nurturing side has been one of my greatest joys. I knew it would be!

Being a good sibling and working hard towards something he wants were major themes for this year and prompted a lot of discussions about what being a good role model means. I’m happy to be this amazing boy’s mom and he delights and surprises me daily. I can’t wait to see what five has in store for us.

Next up? In his words, “mastering the art of tying my shoes!”.

Lucas, my sweet boy, you have all the time in the world for that. Enjoy your last week of being four. I love you.

Room For Two

Posted on April 28, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s all brand new and very scary when you bring your first born home, so I knew I’d be more confident the second time around. I knew I wouldn’t be plagued with so much worry and anxiety. I knew I’d be a more relaxed parent having been Lucas’s mother for four and a half years prior to Lola’s arrival. What I didn’t know was that being a mother to two would be very different and sometimes very difficult, no matter how far apart in age they are or how much I think Lucas “gets it”.

Before Lola was born I truly agonized over how I would or could love two children equally and so that they would know it and they would feel it. I confided with seasoned mothers and was repeatedly told the same thing… you just will.

They were right.

It started happening gradually while I was still pregnant and then the moment our eyes met for the first time, I was completely head over heels in love with my daughter. It was as though my heart stretched and grew and all of a sudden, like magic, there was equal space for two.

The loving is the easy part… making sure they know is hard.

According to Lucas, I talk to Lola differently. I coo and swoon and my voice gets higher yet softer, perhaps sounding more loving to him than the way I talk to him. He has declared more than once since Lola joined our family that I love her more than him. He has never said this while I am trying to console and meet her newborn needs but rather in a moment when I’m apparently gushing over her.

This breaks my heart.

It would be awesome if I could reassure him that that was a ridiculous notion, that I used to talk to him the same way when he was her age and that often, I still do, but he’s a big boy now, but that explanation doesn’t satisfy his four year old heart and mind. So, I say all that and tell him that he is my #1 boy and she is my #1 girl (thank goodness we have one of each!) and then I stop loving on Lola and turn my full attention to him, hugging and kissing him and calling him sweet names. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

He said it again over this past weekend and so in an effort to explain to him how I feel and how I am able to fit everyone in, I drew this heart:

Room for two and then some…

See, I told him, equal space for you and Lola and Daddy and everything and everyone else has their spot too, but they aren’t nearly as important. I think he understood.

For now.

How or what do you do to help your children feel your equal love?

I’m That Mom

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have ironed my four-year-old’s shirt for school because I want him to look put together and “proper”. I’ve also let him go to school with toothpaste on his collar and a dried milk mustache.

I’ve never worn slippers to my son’s preschool but I have gone without a bra.

I’ll show up 20 minutes early to pick Lucas up on the first day back to school after Spring Break because I missed him but I’ve also (one time only!) been 13 minutes late.

I’ll make declarations that under no circumstances will I buy anything at the toy store and then cave and get something because I want to play with it too.

I make mundane chores like unloading the dishwasher and sorting laundry seem like games so that my son will help me.

I’ve left the house without diapers or bottles, but enough of Lucas’s favorite snacks to feed a small country.

I’ve handed over my phone at 6:30 in the morning so that Lucas could Angry Birds Go! and I could get a few extra minutes of sleep but I’ve also gotten up earlier than that to make chocolate croissants, pack his lunch and assemble 25 snack bags for his classmates.

I’ll make plans and promises to do something and then let my son down, but I hope I’ve also exceeded his expectations with elaborate outings, surprise play dates and fun after school arts and crafts.

I’ve chased my boy around the park playing hide-and-seek until I was sweaty and out of breath and I’ve also sat quietly on a bench and watched him navigate monkey bars and potential new friends.

I’ve lied and said I didn’t know the answer to one of his million questions and I’ve also taken the time to explain things in great detail, looked up poisonous frogs on the Internet and searched for images of Katy Perry so he could “see what she looks like”.

I’ve tucked Lucas into bed to read on his own and I’ve also kept him up past his bedtime to read all 8 newly checked out of the library books.

Parenting is full of contradictions. Some days it’s more no’s than yes’s, lots of yelling and high levels of frustration and others it’s full of synergy, connection and giggles. You win some and you lose some. My children make me weak and strong and everything in between. I hope they always feel my love.

I’m *that* mom.

The one you sometimes roll your eyes at because she seems to have everything together, all the balls are somehow magically juggling perfectly in sync and she has a total Martha Stewart thing going on or you’ve rolled your eyes and scoffed because she (and her children) appear completely clueless, disengaged and disheveled, she’s late, misses deadlines and always looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Yep, I’m *that* mom.

Aren’t you?

In A Nutshell

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