mama kat’s writer’s workshop

Hot Stuff

Posted on April 13, 2011 Written by Tonya

I thought I was hot stuff the minute I earned my first pay check.

I spent half a summer telemarketing and I hated every second of it, but the pay check at the end of each week was awesome. It made me believe that I didn’t need anyone or anything to make it in the world. School schmool. As long as I could make money, I would be alright. At 17, that’s what I thought it was all about.

The problem was I actually enjoyed school and I believed what my parents were telling me: I could make a lot more money if I had an education. Win-win!

I thought I was hot stuff the moment I graduated from high school.

I thought the friends I had then, I’d be friends with forever. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and was completely full of myself. In reality, I didn’t have a clue in my head who I was or what my place in the world would be.

Luckily there was college… the epitome of hot suff!

I partied my ass off, attended class most days (as long as they didn’t interfere with my soaps), changed my major four times, held a part time job and thought I was learning everything I’d ever need to know about the world around me.

Now that I had a degree under my belt, I quickly found out I was more lost than ever.

No longer having school to fall back on, it was time to get a real job… a career.

I accepted the first $22,000/year job offered to me and felt very much like an adult. I was making decisions left and right about my life; how to spend my time, money and energy, I was paying rent and choosing where to shop, vacation and whether to call it a night or have another drink, knowing full well that I’d be hung over in the morning as I sat in a mandatory meeting.

But by golly, finally I was an adult!

Or so I thought.

I gained years, perspective and experience, but it wasn’t until almost 12 years later, when I had my son that I truly felt like a grown up.

It wasn’t until I was responsible for another person’s health, safety, well being and comfort, that I felt grown up.

It wasn’t until I loved to my heart’s fullest capacity that I grew up.

I can go from zero to irate in less than 38 seconds so while I may still be working on my maturity level, I am definitely a grown up now and my son thinks I’m hot stuff!

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 1.) The moment I realized I was a grown up, inspired by…(drum roll, please) yours truly! Thanks, Kat. 🙂

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Broke Down

Posted on April 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

The moment I delivered Lucas I realized just how much my parents loved me because the love I felt for my newborn son was deeper and stronger than anything I had ever experienced before.

Fast forward 22 months and that love is still there and grows each and every day, but now I wonder, how on earth did they do it? How did my parents survive the terrible twos? I want to kill this kid.

Last week was rough on me as a mother.

Last week was a break down and cry kind of week for me.

If I thought Lucas was being difficult on Monday when we had to leave music class early because he was so fixated on seeing the fish at Sea Life Aquarium that he wouldn’t participate in class, head butted me, threw his shoes across the room and almost knocked out another child with one his three kicking and screaming episodes, I had no clue what I was in store for Tuesday through Sunday.

Let’s just say, things got progressively worse.

I broke down in tears a lot.

I haven’t done that since Lucas was a newborn and I was severely sleep deprived and my post pregnancy hormones were out of control.

Now, it’s my son that’s out of control…

It was a week full of temper tantrums, time outs, whining, crying, throwing food, mess after mess after mess, few naps, fewer smiles, abandoned plans, lots of yelling, lots of hitting (on Lucas’ part, not mine), head shaking in disgust, exhaustion and confusion, mother’s guilt beyond belief, a 90 minute phone call to a seasoned mother I trust and often turn to for advice and two very frustrated parents.

It’s like he’s reverting and I’m left wondering; what the hell happened to my sweet little boy?!

I know this is all “normal” behavior for an almost two year old and will eventually pass, but I’m at my wits end and what little patience I have is shot.

I know it’s wrong, but all I can think is:

I feed, dress and comfort this child all day every day and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I plan fun outings, enroll us in classes together, schedule play dates with friends, make trips to three different stores to find his favorite snacks and refill his sippy cup each time he asks for “more” and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I read and sing to him, wipe his nose, make sure he stays out of harms way and get down on the floor and play trains and cars with him and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I can’t leave the house without returning with a new toy, book or article of clothing and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I think about my son every waking hour, what I’m doing wrong, what I’m doing right, his well being and love him more than anything else in my life and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

If you really knew me, you would know that motherhood has been kicking my a** lately and I’m really hoping to turn a corner soon.

How did you survive the terrible twos?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 3.) If you really knew me, you would know that…

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Pure Bliss

Posted on March 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’m coming waltzing back and moving into your head – Dave Matthews

I have almost 6500 songs on my iPod. That’s 17 days of music!

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to the radio and when I was a little girl, into my brush handle in front of the mirror in my bedroom.

In elementary and high school I participated in choir.

I’ve always had the largest music collection of all my friends and I still own vinyl and cassette tapes.

I love music and have a very eclectic taste. I’ll listen to just about anything.

Music has always been a very big part of my life and the soundtrack of so many of my memories.

I have feel good songs to help lift me up when I’m feeling down:

Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z

She Moves In Her Own Way by The Kooks

I have melancholy songs to make me sad when I need a good cry:

Pictures Of You by The Cure

You Will Make It by Jem

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

I have songs to pump me up when I need a little extra burst of energy at the gym:

Rump Shaker by Wreckx-N-Effect

Starry Eyed Surprise – Paul Oakenfeld

I created a special play list called Wine & Conversation that we typically play when entertaining. It is comprised of tunes by artists such as: Harry Connick, Jr., Patsy Cline, Ella Fitzgerald, Bob Marley, Blue October, Sade, Feist and Jason Mraz and it helps me relax, unwind and always puts an easy smile upon my face.

I have songs that remind me of important events in my life:

Fade Into You by Mazzy Starr was playing when I got into my first car accident.

Drive by The Cars was playing the first time I slow danced with a boy.

Unforgettable by Natalie Cole was the song my father and I danced to at my wedding.

I have songs that remind me of important people in my life:

Just Like Heaven by The Cure takes me back to my college days and dancing with my roommate, Erin at frat parties and then a little later in life when we became struggling to make ends meet career women.

The moment I hear Melt With You by Modern English I instantly think of my best friend, Colleen and how much she loves this song. I swear she pees a little every time she hears it, it makes her that happy.

My father loved Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears and now I do too. I can always picture him swaying his hips and closing his eyes as he tried to sing along.

To pick just ONE song with significance would be down right impossible, however, there is just one song that I have played more than any other, one song’s lyrics that I carry around with me in my wallet because along with the music, this song to me is pure bliss.

Almost seven minutes long, the music starts off slow, speeds up, then slows again and doesn’t let go of me until the very last note. Acoustic guitar, bass, sax, violin, trumpet and drums all working together in perfect harmony.

The accompanying voice is powerful, sexy and strong and the lyrics, bittersweet.

Experiencing this song live is one of the most magical events of my life and I have been fortunate to witness it several times.

The song I’m referring to is #41 by the Dave Matthews Band.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 5) A song with significance.

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One Year Ago

Posted on March 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

Exactly one year ago today, March 3, I wrote this post: Safety First. We were having our home baby proofed by a professional baby proofing company (because God knows we couldn’t have done it ourselves) and discovered that our home was unprotected by a carbon monoxide detector.

This was shocking news to me because 1) I thought we had one and 2) My parents died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Boy, did I feel stupid! We immediately rectified this oversight. I urge all of you to make sure you too have a CO detector and that it is in working order. It can save lives!

Also a year ago…

Lucas turned nine months old, just learned how to clap, went into a swimming pool for the first time and started wearing the Doc Band, my sister turned 26, we were starting to really listen to nursery rhymes, I was lusting after Pretty Things and I read Kelly Corrigan’s beautiful memoir, The Middle Place.

Last week I wrote my 500th Letters For Lucas post, Lucas is almost 21 months old, Leah will be 27 on Monday, we have a new address, my husband has his own vintage car showroom, which has been (knock on wood) very successful so far and I’m reading One Amazing Thing by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni and I’m still lusting after pretty things:

Bailey Console Table – Pottery Barn

Love Letters Sheet Set – Anthropologie

Wall Art – Land of Nod

The last week has been rough. Lucas has been sick with the worst cold/flu of his young life and we have been to the pediatrician’s office twice, most recently to find out he now has a double ear infection. I’ve been sick too and so has Todd. Taking care of a sick child when you’re sick too is no fun!

Never a dull moment…

As always, then and now, our life is full of ups and downs, but also a lot of humor along the way.

How has your life changed in one year?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 3) What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

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Long Live The 80’s!

Posted on February 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

My fabulous friend, Colleen turned 40 on Saturday and threw herself an 80’s-style prom party. It was an absolute blast!!

Everyone dressed up! There was lots of neon, lace, big bows, arms full of bracelets, skinny ties, flipped up collars, leg warmers and pearls. Even the 80’s cover band, that provided enough dance music to last a lifetime, Orange County’s own, Tijuana Dogs got into the spirit.

All of my girlfriends and I have been fretting about our “prom” attire for months and it turned out for many, Ebay was the way to go. Who knew?

I, on the other hand, being the pack rat that I am still have my ACTUAL Jessica McClintock prom dress! With a little alteration to the bust line, I wore it! Crazy, huh?! I couldn’t believe it still fit either. Or that I even kept it!

I tried to mimic my 80’s hair style: big and curly and make-up: blue eyeliner and mascara. Although naturally curly, my hair doesn’t quite take a curl like it used to. Even with half a canister of mousse.

The cast of characters may have changed, hopefully we are all a little wiser. There were way more beer bellies, wedding rings and crow’s feet this time around, but the music is still the same, my friends make the world a better place and I found myself wishing the party would last All Night Long, just like I did at my high school Senior prom.

THENMy prom date was my boyfriend at the time. He had just given me the watch I’m wearing as a graduation present. Lovely gift, but looks so out of place now.

NOW

Colleen and I and our rad dates.

The birthday girl and Matt, the Tijuana Dogs lead singer.

Does this pose look familiar?

Feels just like 1988!

The totally awesome birthday cake!

I must admit, I had WAY more fun at this prom than at my own back in ’91. Maybe it was the alcohol or the music, the company or the pure nostalgia of it all, but everyone had a permanent grin on their face the entire night and my legs still hurt from dancing!

One of the best parts of the whole evening was being dropped off by Todd’s mother, who was in town visiting us for the weekend.

She waited up for us too!

This post was originally for Wordful Wednesdays and if you want to link up or see some really beautiful photographs, please visit Alicia at A Beautiful Mess and see how she effortlessly turns ordinary photos into a works of art.

This post was reposted for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 4.) My prom dress.

The Calm Before The Storm

Posted on February 16, 2011 Written by Tonya

Two weeks after my parents died in October 2007, after the dust had settled bit, the shock wore off some and the memorial service had been held, I returned to my job as a marketing manager for a trade publication.

It was what I had to do.

I needed to escape the sadness of my family, my home and the pressure of handling my parents estate. I wanted to use my brain on something I knew I was good at and be somewhere where I didn’t have to think about death or deal with my grief. I thought that getting back to my “regular” routine would help.

I was on auto pilot.

Almost a year later, in August 2008, I decided I needed to step away from my job and decompress from the roller coaster ride of emotions and tasks that I had at hand and just be with myself and my thoughts.

There was still a lot of work to be done; an estate to close and several trips to the house my sister I had inherited in Arizona. I also wanted to reconnect with family and start thinking about starting one of my own.

My husband, Todd was very supportive of my decision but I remember the day I gave my one month notice he said, your last day there, is going to be your last day there and the very next day, we are going to go on a trip. He was planning to take a week off work so we could do this, so we began plotting our adventure.

We could go anywhere!

We have both been all over the world… Europe, Africa, Asia. But this time, we decided to stay closer to home and planned a very different type of trip for us, a vacation that ended up being one of the best ones we have ever had together.

It was a road trip comprised of 1200 miles and three states.

We woke up when we woke up and got on the road that Saturday morning and drove; we had hotel reservations, but no agenda, no time line, just a navigation system.

First, we went to Las Vegas, the perfect place to get away from it all, let our hair down and have fun. We stayed at the beautiful Palazzo hotel, sipped cocktails as we lounged by the magnificent pool, saw LOVE, the Cirque du Soleil show and had a great time gambling, eating and drinking too much.Next, we headed to the Grand Canyon, a place even with all of my ties to Arizona, neither of us had ever seen before. It’s breathtaking and should be on everyone’s “Bucket List”.

We saw the Hoover Dam, ate at fun, eclectic diners along the route, visited the boarding school where I graduated from high school, on a whim, spent a night in beautiful, mystic Sedona and stayed a night with my sister in Phoenix.We ended up seeing more of our own state by ending our trip in Palm Springs, where the only thing we had to do was show up for a massage appointment.We covered a lot of miles, but we broke it up so that it wasn’t boring or monotonous and we talked. A lot. We talked about how different our lives were going to be with me not working anymore and what I hoped to accomplish with my time off.

We relished the sights and sounds of the highway and listened to a couple of books on tape and a ton of Dave Matthews. We played Rumi Cube in dive bars in the middle of the day and simply enjoyed being together.

That trip? It was sort of the calm before the storm and I mean that in the nicest of ways. I loved every minute of it.

A month after we returned home, we found out we were pregnant with Lucas. 🙂

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 1.) A vacation to remember.

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In The Blink Of An Eye

Posted on February 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

Dear Lucas,

It’s hard to imagine you as a teenager when you are currently in diapers, learning your colors, letters and numbers, trying to ween off the bottle, temper your temper tantrums and are about to begin potty training (God help me!).

But, in the blink of an eye, you’ll be there: adolescence. I am so excited for you and all the wonderful things you are about to experience.

You are a delightful toddler and bring so much joy my life. Although we have had our struggles, our bond is strong in large part, I’d like to think, because I let you be your own person. It took a while, but I soon realized that you needed your independence in order to thrive. You have had a strong disposition and character from the moment you were born and both have earned my respect. I hope we always have this comfortable unspoken understanding and that we remain close.

I also hope that you are as sweet today as you were when you were small; that you smile and greet strangers, are polite, kind and considerate and that you never lose your sense of curiosity.

You are in such an amazing time of your life; not quite an adult and no longer a child. You are growing physically and emotionally, so be patient with yourself because being a teenager can be confusing, frustrating and stressful, but also a whole lot of fun! In other words, don’t be afraid to get into trouble every now and then, just no collect calls from jail, please.

No matter what you are going through, your dad and I will always be here to answer any questions you may have and we will do it openly and honestly, with only your best interests at heart. Come to us with anything, day or night. Just know that sometimes the advice we offer, you won’t want to hear. Try to trust us, we were teenagers once too.

The friends you make and the experiences you are having right now will shape your future. Think twice about the decisions you are faced with, seek advice when needed and along the way, explore, enjoy and endure. It goes by so fast.

Please remember how important family is and that we want to be there for all your highs and lows. For as long as I live, or as long as you’ll let me, I will support you, clothe you, feed you and be your biggest cheerleader, no matter what you do.

I love you more than words can express. Today and always.

Love,
Mom

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 4.) A letter to your future teen.

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XOXO

Posted on January 27, 2011 Written by Tonya

My dearest DC,

Nothing gets me going like you do.

To me, you are quite simply… perfect.

You are my strength and my weakness.

You are one of the very first things I think of when I wake up in the morning because it is then that I need you so.

Our relationship began when I was in college and while others were touting their need for coffee, I stuck by your side never giving coffee another thought.

You make my heart beat a little faster and my eyes twinkle a little brighter.

I’m no fool, I know I’m not alone in this love. I know that you have lots of admirers, but when it’s just us, my world quiets and I feel like I’m the only one. Thank you for that.

Thank you, too for always being there on my grocery list and in my refrigerator, because I don’t think I could go a day without your smile. It’s true, I have a jealous streak and have even warned family members and babysitters alike never, under no circumstances to take the last of you or there will be hell to pay.

I know I don’t tell you often enough how much you mean to me with your no calories, no sugar and sweet wonderful help-me-get-up-and-go chemicals I can’t pronounce, but it is your secret formula that does the trick every time. I so enjoy the pleasure of your company.

I hate to admit that I have been unfaithful when you weren’t available, but Diet Pepsi nor Diet Dr. Pepper are nearly as refreshing as you. It’s your effervescent personality that keeps me loyal today and always.

Yours truly,
Tonya
xoxo

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 2.) Write a love poem to afavorite food. It was not a food, but a drink, Diet Coke that I chose to profess my undying love to. I have written about my obsession once (I Heart Diet Coke) or twice (I Don’t Like Coffee) before.

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Never Fade Away

Posted on January 12, 2011 Written by Tonya

I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived. – Little Bee by Chris Cleave

Everyone loves a good scar story.

We all have at least one.

I have six.

Little reminders that have faded over time of my vanity, immaturity and close calls…

In order in which they were received:

1. Inside left leg – I had a benign tumor removed when I was four years old and had to wear a full leg cast for eight weeks. The scar is roughly six inches long and I have only ever been comfortable with my husband touching it.

2. Left hand – an inch long scar from hitting a mirror in an elevator of our apartment complex upon having an argument with my father. I NEVER thought the mirror would shatter into a million pieces. Nice reminder of my teenage angst, huh? The really sad part is I don’t even remember what the fight was about.

3. Right leg, just below my knee – a mess of a scar that thankfully only shows up when I tan from a motorbike accident that I was in on my birthday in 1985 with my dear friend Sophie. I was the passenger and alcohol was involved.

4. Center of my forehead – a quarter inch horizontal scar from a pea-sized calcium deposit I had removed.

5. Right heel – a three incher from a “pump bump” (heel spur) I had removed in college. What woman doesn’t want to wear heels from time to time?

6. Right breast – a half inch long reminder that a lump I found could have been a lot worse.

I have other scars too, the ones that were self inflicted; ear ring holes (at one point I had four, now only two remain) and three very meaningful tattoos that I don’t regret getting even for one second.

And then there are the scars you can’t see, the ones on my heart made by the losses in my life. The ones full of memories and love and that will never fade away.

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 1.) Scarred.

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A Letter From Lucas

Posted on August 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

Dear Mommy,

I know we are still getting to know each other, but here’s what I can tell about you so far:

You must adore reading because I have a million books and you read to me all. the. time.

You must take pride in me looking my best because I’m always dressed in a matching shirt and pants. I’m always very comfy too.

You must yearn for whatever is in that funny red and white can because it’s the first thing you drink every morning. When are you going to let me have a taste?

You must delight in seeing me smile because you sing silly songs, make silly voices, and perform silly dances that make me laugh.

You must care for me a lot because you take me to the doctor when I’m sick, bathe me, brush my teeth (all six of them) every night, clean my ears and nose (which I hate), keep my nails cut back and make all of my food at home from fresh organic produce.

You must think I’m pretty cute because you constantly have a camera in my face. I must admit, I love seeing pictures of myself too.

You must enjoy the outdoors because we go for a walk almost every day, just when I start to get a little fussy. I like it when you point out surfers, trees, plants and dogs.

You must savor turkey sandwiches because we stop to get one several times a week. At least now I’m getting my own!

You must want me to be a well-rounded individual because you take me to music class, swimming lessons, trips to far away places and let me play with finger paints.

You must assume I enjoy going to the place with all the food and bright lights more than I like going to the place with the fish and Legos. You’re wrong.

You must really like that small white rectangular shaped thing you carry around with us everywhere because you talk to people on it (like Daddy!), take photos with it and do a lot of typing on it all day long. Sometimes I get to see Elmo on it, which is very fun for me.

You must need alone time every now and then because you leave me at home with different women and disappear for a few hours each week. I miss you while you are gone but, truth be told, I enjoy this time apart too.

You must cherish your friends because we spend a lot of time visiting with them. Lucky for me they all seem to have babies too!

You must appreciate it when I lay in my crib and fall asleep because when I wake up, you are always very happy to see me.

You must love me a lot because you give me lots of hugs and kisses.

You must believe that I am special because you tell me every day.

I love you a lot too and I am very glad you’re my mommy.

Love,
Lucas

The best is yet to be.

This post is forMama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop – Prompt #1Dear Mommy and/or Daddy…(write a letter to yourself from one of your children)

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