love

Falling In Love

Posted on September 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

I didn’t want to lose my patience today.

I didn’t want to raise my voice or say no, bad dog or get down.

I didn’t want to scold or clean up messes.

I didn’t want to hear whimpering or the annoying squeak of a plush toy.

I didn’t want to be nipped at or scratched.

I didn’t want to raise my eye brows in shock when I discovered another characteristic I was unaware dog’s possessed or another chewed item… Baseboards? Garden hose? Metal leg of table? Really?

I didn’t want to have to dry my tears as I wondered if we had made the biggest mistake of our lives.

I wanted nothing but smiles and laughter and wagging tails.

I wanted everything to go smoothly.

I wanted everyone to be agreeable. Happy and content.

I didn’t want to become one of those people. You know the kind that show pictures of their latest pride and joy to people they barely know.

I didn’t want to admit that Cesar Millan might just know what he’s talking about. We now DVR The Dog Whisperer.

I didn’t want to be a frequent shopper card carrier at PetSmart, PetCo or Muttropolis.

I didn’t want to subscribe to another magazine. Hello, Dog Fancy!

I didn’t want to be the person that left a party early because I knew it was feeding time at home.

I didn’t want to fall in love, but I am.

Don’t let his “who me?” face fool you in the least bit!

Class Of 2026

Posted on September 6, 2012 Written by Tonya

How did this…

June 6, 2009

…become this?

September 5, 2012

It feels as though it was just yesterday that I was counting your fingers and toes, learning to perfect the swaddle and swaying you to sleep. Now you know all the planets, are learning to read and have strong opinions on where you’d like to go out for dinner.

You are the gift that keeps on giving and you make me smile each and every day.

Have an awesome second year of school, Lucas! Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you.

Memories Of Daddy

Posted on June 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

With Father’s Day just a week ago and mine and Lucas’ birthday this month, my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. There are so many big and little things that remind me of my dad, the time we spent together and what a great role model he was to me.

My dad and I had a very special bond and I was a Daddy’s Girl through and through. I miss our conversations, his genuine thirst for knowledge and his hugs most of all, but here’s what has been rising to the top of my memory bank and making me miss him a little more than usual (in no particular order):

1. Hearing my dad drop the F bomb the first time. It was directed at traffic and made me giggle like crazy.

2. A mortifying incident in which he yelled out the car window to a classmate of mine riding his bike after darting in front of us, “That’s the kind of thing that will get you killed.”. That was 18 years ago and recently my husband yelled the exact same thing as a biker crossed our path. I nearly peed in my pants.

3. My dad loved to dance, especially to 80’s music. Sadly, my dad was a terrible dancer, but you just had to admire his enthusiasm.

4. His roots. My father was born and raised in a very small town in Texas and while he grew to appreciate it, he did everything he could to leave that life far behind him. I wonder if he knew at 10 that someday he would work and live in Africa.

5. His loss. My dad lost his father when he was just six years old, his step-father when he was 21 and his mother at 32.

6. His steady grip and childlike humor as he walked me down the aisle. Twice.

7. Blue. His eyes were kind and the brightest shade of blue.

8. My father lived in Dockers and plaid button-down shirts, in varying degrees of blue, his favorite color. As a family, we lovingly referred to his shirts of choice as “Mike Adams” shirts because you could spot one a mile away.

9. His strong, capable rough hands. He was a nail biter and always wore both his wedding ring and his class ring (seen below).

10. His chicken scratch handwritten lists. He made lists for everything; things to do, movies to see, books he’d read, bills he paid, phone calls to make, etc., etc., etc. My love of lists comes directly from my father.

My dad on my wedding day – August 4, 2007.

Linking up with Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a meme right up my alley, because I LOVE lists! Thanks to Kim of The G is Silent for coming up with this week’s topic: celebrate your father with 10 happy memories. I could have gone on and on and on with this list.

Three

Posted on June 6, 2012 Written by Tonya

My one and only Lucas,

Today you turned three and I am still walking around with my jaw on the floor honestly not knowing where the last 1095 days went. They were gone in a flash.

Some so much quicker than others.

The smiles, joy, hope, love and magic you have brought to my life are immeasurable and if I’m being honest, that goes for the frustration, worry and confusion too.

This motherhood thing is tricky and there are many days I feel as though I am learning as I go. Hopefully I’m getting a little better each day. Either way, I will forever be grateful to you for your trust and patience.

Lucas, you are my greatest accomplishment, my favorite person in the world (next to your dad, of course) and I am so blessed and honored to be your mother. Seeing the way your face lights up chasing bubbles in the backyard, taking that first bite of an ice cream cone and pedaling down the sidewalk on your new bicycle assures me know that life is beautiful, no matter what heartaches or struggles I may face.

Because of you, I channel my inner child and sing silly songs and make funny noises, all in an effort to hear you giggle.

Because of you, I am reminded daily how important it is to love and be loved.

Because of you, I want to be a better person, a great mom, lead by example and offer you every single opportunity I have had and more. I want to show you the world and watch how your make your way through it.

Because of you, my life is richer.

You know how to make me laugh when I want to cry.

You are a wonder to behold and witnessing you grow and change and explore is such a pleasure. Each day brings new adventures.

My heart and soul belong to you, Lucas and today I am wishing you the happiest of birthdays.

Love,
Mommy xoxo

My love. Flying home from vacation June 5, 2012.

This Is Motherhood

Posted on May 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if my mother would think I was doing a good job raising my son.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to pick up the phone and call my mother to ask her, when I was Lucas’ age, did I do this or that? or seek parenting advice of one type or another.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to send her a photo of a grandson she never had the chance to meet.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wish she were here.

Not a day goes by when I don’t feel incredibly grateful for my childhood, the lessons that were instilled in me and the love she showed me.

Sitting next to Lucas yesterday in his classroom for Mother’s Day breakfast, he was as thrilled to have me there as I was to be there. He was beaming; his were eyes brighter and bluer than usual and a permagrin affixed to his face.

I am so proud to be his mom. My heart was overjoyed and I welled up as he presented me with a wooden treasure box he had painted and card that had been decorated with his tiny hand-print.

In that moment, two things occurred to me; this is motherhood, an all encompassing rush of love that you feel throughout every pore and cell of your body and a deep hope that I made my mother feel this way too.

This Mother’s Day, as with every day, I miss my mom.

I miss her wisdom and humor and chocolate chip cookies. I miss her smile and not being able to take a photo without losing her eyes (case and point below). I miss her ability to know when to back off and when to reach out a hand. I miss her laughter than inevitably turned into a coughing attack. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to hear that again.

She was a good mother.

The last Mother's Day I spent with my mom - 2007.

Wishing mothers everywhere a very happy Mother’s Day!

Fear & Anxiety

Posted on May 10, 2012 Written by Tonya

It is completely heartbreaking (and to be fair, a little frustrating) when your child is inconsolable because they lack the words to express what ails them or what they desire.

If you knew, you could address it, right? When our children were infants, we went through the check list: is he wet?, is it meal time?, is he gassy?, is he tired?, etc. As their vocabulary increases, they can tell you what’s wrong or what they need. Instead of their grunts and groans and our second guessing, we hear, “more grapes” or “I have a tummy ache”. It’s wonderful!

Lucas has an extensive vocabulary, but it is devastating to visibly see anxiety and fear getting the best of him. He doesn’t have the words to describe those feelings and we are struggling to calm him through two very scary (to him) situations: fire alarms and swim lessons.

Let me back up a little…

When we were in Hawaii last summer, we were awakened on the first night of our stay by a loud fire alarm scaring Lucas half to death. I have never seen him so frightened. He was shaking and holding on to me tighter than anyone ever has and it took him a long time to get back to sleep that night.

Six months later he was in the Kids Club at the gym I attend and there was a fire alarm and everyone was evacuated from the building.

Once a month at his preschool, he experiences a fire drill, which just adds more fuel to the fire (no pun intended).

All of these incidents are discussed in our home on a regular basis. Even when we think we’ve moved past it, Lucas will demand that we tell him the “story” of what occurred during each scenario over and over and over.

He knows “fire alarms are just loud and don’t hurt you”, “we need them to be safe in case there is a real emergency”, and that his teachers will give him a “heads up”, if there is going to be a drill on one of the three days he’s at school, but he is still struggling.

Lucas’ other source of anxiety is swim lessons. He LOVES every form of water and has no qualms about going under water, floating, blowing bubbles, etc. We have completed four Parent & Me classes, BUT he is not a fan of his semi-private lessons and he frets about it all morning leading up to it. He ends up doing all the work in the 20 minute class, but cries all the way through.

For both of these issues, I have taught Lucas some basic deep breathing techniques for when he begins to feel scared and of course, we talk about what he’s experiencing and assure him that it’s okay to be scared.

Turns out the deep breathing helps me too, as there is nothing sadder than that face he makes just before his eyes well up with tears and his chin starts to quiver. All I can do is scoop him up and kiss him repeatedly and hold him and protect him.

My little boy.

On one hand, anxiety is a natural condition that helps us cope with new experiences and protects us from danger, so he HAS to work through it, but he’s only (almost) three and on the other, he’s a boy and society says that he is suppose to be tough and brave and show little emotion. As his mother, I just want to help him the best way I can.

If you’re the mother of a boy, how are you teaching that it is okay to be fearful? Do you have any tips for taming anxiety?

Dear John

Posted on May 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Kirsten of The Kir Corner and I have a lot on common. Not only do we both adore cupcakes, shoes and our sons, we are soul sisters in our struggle with infertility. She has provided me with so much love and encouragement through this crazy journey, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank her.

Kristen is a wonderful writer, mother and friend. We connected through our writing initially (she blows me away in that arena by the way), but within two minutes of talking to her on the phone for the first time over six months ago, I knew I’d have a friend for life.

It is my honor to welcome Kristen here today sharing the sweetest letter to her husband. Let it serve as a tiny glimpse into her gigantic heart.

I love Tonya. She is a girl who makes my heart happy because she is such a wonderful human being. I was so happy when she told me that I could write for the Letters for You series and for months I thought about who I would choose to write to.

In the end it came down to LOVE.

Thank you, Tonya for sharing your space today. Getting to know you the past year has been such a sweet surprise and I feel so lucky to call you a friend. xo

Dear John,

It seems like such a cliché to pick you to write to, when I could be cute, creative or cunning with that choice. Yet, it only seems right that I write to you since you are really the one person I write to the least when in reality I should be scrawling words to you on your bathroom mirror, tracing your name in the sand and shouting to the world about how much you mean to me.

So a letter, here at Tonya’s place, it is.

I am a true believer in the magic of the words “I love you” and it makes me so happy that you and I say them often, to each other, to the boys and we mean them. Even when we fight, we come back to “I love you” and that is something I know we are lucky to have in one another.

But there are two other words that I have learned are just as important and somehow just as magical,

“Thank you.”

These two words can heal an ache, they can build a bridge, they can allow a light to shine into the darkness and they convey gratefulness for things, big and small, common and extraordinary.

So…

John, sweet, gentle, funny and patient man of mine, THANK YOU…

…for loving me in spite of myself.

…for believing in me even when I can’t find that acceptance in myself.

…for letting me sleep on Saturdays when a migraine or a flare presents itself, without anything but concern at the heart of it.

…for making eggs on Saturday mornings and feeding the boys, for taking the garbage and the dog out, for carrying the heavy bags and for staying at the mall far too long without complaint.

…for calling me on my bullshit and encouraging me to be a better person.

…for knowing my favorite color, my favorite TV shows and movies and that cupcakes and high heels make me happy…all these things as silly as they look on the outside are the heart of you and me, I know, deep down, you know me and you love me anyway. (Wink)

…for shielding me from the bad stuff, the bad news, and for taking it all in your heart so I don’t need to, for being stronger than I am in so many ways. Our life is far from perfect but when we catch each other’s eyes and share a moment, a private joke, a laugh that doubles us over, I know we’ll be okay as long as we’re together.

…for being the kind of father to Giovanni & Jacob you read about in fairytales. You amaze and amuse me every day with the way you show our sons how to be a man in this world. I could not have asked for a better role model for them.

…for going beyond yourself to give me things. Last week when you told me you had booked the hotel for our Listen to Your Mother weekend and I said “thank you” you responded with “a star needs to be treated like one.” My heart exploded with the kind of love you have for me.

…for surprising me, in every day, with the way love works and for reminding me that even when I am sure you don’t “See me” anymore, you do and you acknowledge that in so many ways from letting me write a November away for NaNoWriMo, or leaving you with the boys so I can go to lunch with my girlfriends, from encouraging me to do the IVF because, “you’ll be right beside me”, to “finish the book” to “honey, this audition is ‘all you’” .

…for being the CHEERLEADER in my life, the one who stands on the sidelines and takes no credit but deserves it more than anyone for all you do. For telling me I’m beautiful & smart and making me feel that way when I stand next to you.

…for all the FAITH you have. Belief in us, trust in the modern medicine that brought us Gio and Jacob, Conviction in the way we live our lives.

…and finally, thank you, in every moment of every day, for Choosing Me to spend your life with.

Sometimes I am sure I do not deserve the blessed, lucky life we lead, but THANK YOU for asking me to be your wife.

It’s been the greatest adventure of my life.

I love you honey,

xoxo

Heaven

Posted on April 18, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s going to happen, I thought any day now, he’s going to ask me, “Mommy, where’s your mommy?” and/or, “Where’s your daddy?”.

I thought I would be ready.

I have thought about it a lot, actually. It weighs on me every day and especially when we look at photos.

Lucas knows who my husband’s parents are and that we visit with them often. He also recognizes my parents as his Grandma and Grandpa Adams. He may not be able to grasp the connection or relationship to me and his father, but he knows their significance in our lives. [If you’re new here and don’t know, my parents died 4 1/2 years ago and you can read more here]

So I waited with bated breath.

I thought I would have the perfect response. In fact, I had it rehearsed in my head; exactly what I would say. I visualized being in that moment, fighting back the tears, stating the facts, keeping it simple and taking all my cues from him. Just like the experts instruct.

I thought he wouldn’t ask for a few more years and then the day came.

We weren’t even looking at pictures.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012.

It was right out of the clear blue.

At first, I clammed up. I was stunned. And then I very quickly said, “They’re not here.”

That was okay for him.

For now.

He’s almost three so he accepted my response and went on to the next thing, the next thought. And as I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, I felt as if I had dodged a bullet and thought that is not how I wanted that to go.

I know he will ask again and eventually he will have more questions.

Next time I vow to keep it together and tell him what his dad and I have decided is the best answer for his tender mind and my tender heart: “They’re in heaven.”

Golden Slumbers

Posted on March 28, 2012 Written by Tonya

Do you know how many times we check on you after you fall asleep at night?

We carefully tip-toe into your bedroom, breathe in your scent, make sure you are tucked in and that the temperature is just right.

Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry and I will sing a lullaby.

We reposition and adjust your small body and limbs for your maximum comfort and safety.

We locate your lovey and place it gently in your arms, where it can easily be found if needed.

Golden slumbers, fill your eyes. Smiles await you when you rise.

We tenderly reassure you, “Mommy and Daddy love you so much” and give you kisses.

We put toys and books back in their places and pick up little socks from the floor.

Sleep pretty darling, do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby.

We make silent wishes that your sleep is sound and your dreams are sweet.

Between the time when you go to bed and we go to bed, there are at least three visits. Maybe more. Sometimes you stir, but usually not. Sometimes there are complete, yet sleepy incoherent conversations.

No matter how trying the day was, or what struggles we endured during dinner and bath time, your peaceful face is the last thing we long to see each night before we close our own eyes.

Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home.

We quietly leave your room knowing how blessed we are and gladly leave another piece of our hearts warm and safe with you.

Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry and I will sing a lullaby.

My Second Child

We Made It!

Posted on March 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

As women, I don’t think we are ever more vulnerable (sensitive, wacky, hormonal, crazed or sleep deprived) than when we are pregnant or new mothers.

I wrote a post today for Smart Mom Style about my favorite newborn/baby gear and in doing so, I went through ~~hundreds~~ dozens of photos I have of Lucas as a newborn and in an instant, I was transported back to those early days of being unsure of myself and scared out of my wits. Nine months of preparation turned out to be no preparation at all.

Look at him, he fit in a basket!

So tiny and fragile. I thought I would break him in half every time I changed his diaper. And those cries like bird calls were so foreign to me. So desperate. I cried too. I question my every decision and my ability to care for this little creature.

Both of us were brand new, me in my role and hm to the world. Both of us so uncertain of what was ahead of us.

The only constant was love.

And trust.

Lots of trust.

Now those early days make me smile with pride. We made it!

I would go back in a heartbeat, knowing what I know now, of course, but I am also loving exactly where we are today…

Always trusting,

always loving.

Lucas, one month old - Photo by Stephanie Ann Photography

Linking up with Galit (These Little Waves) and Alison’s (Mama Wants This) monthly link up, Memories Captured.

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Falling In Love

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Three

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Fear & Anxiety

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