love

Special

Posted on June 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

When you are a child, birthdays are magical and it’s important to acknowledge that and make them feel out of this world special. That has been my sole goal with my little birthday boy.

We have been preparing all week for Lucas’s birthday. Really, for the last month. From making decisions about what kind of party he wants to the guest list and menu and of course, his wish list. Plus, there’s all the behind the scenes activities like ordering cake toppers and favors from Amazon and praying that everything arrives on time!

He appeared in our bedroom doorway just after 6 o’clock this morning.

I saw the balloons in my room and on the stairs and followed them. There are presents! Can we open them?

We celebrated this morning and left him at preschool with snacks and cookies for his class (the store bought chocked full of preservatives kind, his choice!) and tonight we will go to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. It’s either going to be Red Robin or The Old Spaghetti Factory. At Red Robin we will play I Spy and at The Old Spaghetti Factory he’ll insist on sitting in the trolley. Either place, he’ll order pasta.

He must have thanked us half a dozen times for the gifts he received this morning. I love that!

Do I sound older? Do I look older? I don’t feel older.

On Sunday there will be a party at a popular bounce house place where Lucas and 25 of his “closest” friends will take over. Pizza and cake (that I have yet to make) will be served.

Family from out of town is coming to visit and there will be more sweets and more presents and hopefully this will be a birthday celebration that Lucas will always remember. And above all, I hope he feels special and so very loved.

We marvel over our five year old!

Before Turning Five

Posted on May 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have been feeling nostalgic, extremely proud, a little sad and slightly offended by the passing of time lately. A week from today my son, my firstborn and the one who made me a mama will be turning five. Five!!

Lucas is an awesome kid with a silly sense of humor and an undying curiosity, two traits I hope he always possesses. He’s also a sweet sensitive little boy and is learning how to be more independent and how to take no for an answer.

My son had a banner year and I couldn’t possibly list all of his accomplishments (yes, this is going to be one of those posts) but I would like to share a few that stand out for me. In no particular order:

As a family we survived a nine month stint in a tiny two bedroom apartment while we searched for a house and while he mirrored my frustration with our living situation, Lucas really made the best of it and out of all of us was the most adaptable. He also served as an active participant in our home search and shared his desire for a backyard and missing his trampoline and a dedicated play area. He was patient and understanding through our moves.

Twice this year Lucas has gone through his toys and allowed us to either set some things aside for his little sister to play with someday or give items to goodwill. This is not an easy feat for children but he did it with ease and graciousness.

I will always remember this as the year Lucas went from being obsessed with Cars to being obsessed with Star Wars. We are currently up to our eyeballs in Jedi, droids and intergalactic battles. Enough said.

In January, Lucas was moved into the upper Pre-K class at his current preschool and in March was accepted into a local prestigious private school where he will begin kindergarten this fall. He was one of only 17 students out of 70 accepted! We are excited about next school year and all the new things Lucas will be exposed to.

One of Lucas and his dad’s favorite things to do together is go skateboarding and over the last year, Lucas has become proficient at it! He practices safety and caution while at the same time pushing himself and being daring in spite of a few skinned knees and elbows.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we hosted Lucas’s first sleep over and it was fun, but also a tiny glimpse into our future of being cast aside in favor of being with friends.

Just yesterday, Lucas earned a yellow belt in karate, a sport he’s only been participating in since mid-January. He’d been practicing for days, worked with a friend and his sensi to perfect the series of moves and announced on the way to class that he was ready to test. He said advancing to the next level was something that he wanted to do before turning five and he did it!

One of Lucas’s biggest accomplishments this year was becoming a big brother, a role that he seemed born to have. At only four months old, Lola idolizes him and has since the very first moment they met and he is completely enamored by her. Watching their relationship grow and develop and seeing Lucas’s nurturing side has been one of my greatest joys. I knew it would be!

Being a good sibling and working hard towards something he wants were major themes for this year and prompted a lot of discussions about what being a good role model means. I’m happy to be this amazing boy’s mom and he delights and surprises me daily. I can’t wait to see what five has in store for us.

Next up? In his words, “mastering the art of tying my shoes!”.

Lucas, my sweet boy, you have all the time in the world for that. Enjoy your last week of being four. I love you.

Room For Two

Posted on April 28, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s all brand new and very scary when you bring your first born home, so I knew I’d be more confident the second time around. I knew I wouldn’t be plagued with so much worry and anxiety. I knew I’d be a more relaxed parent having been Lucas’s mother for four and a half years prior to Lola’s arrival. What I didn’t know was that being a mother to two would be very different and sometimes very difficult, no matter how far apart in age they are or how much I think Lucas “gets it”.

Before Lola was born I truly agonized over how I would or could love two children equally and so that they would know it and they would feel it. I confided with seasoned mothers and was repeatedly told the same thing… you just will.

They were right.

It started happening gradually while I was still pregnant and then the moment our eyes met for the first time, I was completely head over heels in love with my daughter. It was as though my heart stretched and grew and all of a sudden, like magic, there was equal space for two.

The loving is the easy part… making sure they know is hard.

According to Lucas, I talk to Lola differently. I coo and swoon and my voice gets higher yet softer, perhaps sounding more loving to him than the way I talk to him. He has declared more than once since Lola joined our family that I love her more than him. He has never said this while I am trying to console and meet her newborn needs but rather in a moment when I’m apparently gushing over her.

This breaks my heart.

It would be awesome if I could reassure him that that was a ridiculous notion, that I used to talk to him the same way when he was her age and that often, I still do, but he’s a big boy now, but that explanation doesn’t satisfy his four year old heart and mind. So, I say all that and tell him that he is my #1 boy and she is my #1 girl (thank goodness we have one of each!) and then I stop loving on Lola and turn my full attention to him, hugging and kissing him and calling him sweet names. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

He said it again over this past weekend and so in an effort to explain to him how I feel and how I am able to fit everyone in, I drew this heart:

Room for two and then some…

See, I told him, equal space for you and Lola and Daddy and everything and everyone else has their spot too, but they aren’t nearly as important. I think he understood.

For now.

How or what do you do to help your children feel your equal love?

It’s All Coming Back To Me

Posted on February 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

I forgot how heavy the car seat is,

how a degree is necessary to assemble a stroller,

about the midnight, 2 am and 4 am feedings,

the dirty diapers,

about the spit up and sticky, stinky milky baby neck,

how to wrap a little human like a burrito,

the high pitch bird like noises these fascinating creatures make,

the days of constantly wanting to be held (these have become my favorite, by the way),

how sexy my husband looks holding a brand new baby,

that intoxicating newborn scent,

the utter exhaustion brought only by interrupted sleep,

the load after load after load of laundry,

how to baby talk and just how silly it sounds,

the painful pumping,

the sink full of bottles,

the way our bodies contort and shift, adjust and seek comfort when trying to find the perfect position in which to hold such a light person,

the tiny socks. Oh, how those socks kill me!

I forgot how my heart would expand and envelope a brand new person and put all of their needs ahead of my own, how love would be reflected back to me through eyes that speak volumes, but lips that cannot yet say a word.

But it’s all coming back to me and I am so grateful for the second opportunity.

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on December 31, 2013 Written by Tonya

My first Letters For Lucas post was Dear Baby Boy, a letter I wrote to Lucas before he was born. I wrote this letter when my heart was light and my cares were few. I was bursting in anticipation to meet our son and loved every minute of being pregnant with him. Looking back, I took my entire pregnancy for granted. I was native. I didn’t realize at the time what a miracle getting pregnant and staying pregnant was. A long hard three and half year battle with secondary infertility would teach me what a gift bringing a child into this world truly is.

Our baby girl will be here very soon and I know her arrival is going to be something I will have a hard time putting into words. It’s hard for my brain to go there even now as I feel her slowly move and adjust inside my belly. I can’t wait to meet her and hold her and kiss her and be her mother.

I wrote the following letter on Sunday, December 22 at 3:53 AM, I was 35 weeks pregnant:

Dear Baby Girl,

In just a few short weeks you will be here and I’m feeling surreal, scared and overwhelmingly happy. Finally, after years of trying, years of hoping and wishing and praying for you, you will be here.

My daughter. I never thought I would be the mother of a daughter, but now I can’t wait! It is such a wonderful time to be a woman in this world and I already know what a fighter you are.

You aren’t even here yet and I have fallen madly and completely in love with you and you will never know how much I have dreamt about the day we meet, in fact just thinking about it makes my heart twinge and eyes fill with tears. You are so very wanted and we have been waiting for you for so very long.

This is an exciting time for our family, we just moved into a beautiful new house but I know it won’t be until after your arrival that it starts to feel like a home; that it feels complete.

Your brother is anxious to meet you too and is already very protective of you. I hope the two of you will be the best of friends and that you protect him as well. He is an amazing boy and I know he will be a good big brother to you. Some day when your father and I are gone, he will be all you have left of us. Be there for one another and always be strengthening your relationship.

I know that you and I will have our ups and downs but we are forever bonded as mother and daughter and I will cherish you and our relationship always. May you never ever doubt my love.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival.

With all my love,
your mother

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.

– A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

(This was my “go to” song so many times throughout this journey to have you and I love the lyrics.)

Sibling Love

Posted on November 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

I always wanted a big brother, someone to look up to besides my parents, team up with against our parents and have look over me with an extra protective eye. I wanted an in-house best friend, secret keeper, rival and real life yard stick to which all boyfriends would have to measured up to.

I wished for a sibling for years and years before my sister was finally born. We are close, but the almost 12 year age gap between us has been challenging at times. When our parents died I could not have imagined going through that on my own. My sister is the only one that truly understands and shares that grief with me.

I wanted a second child for Lucas, a sibling close to his age, someone to bond with for life, grow up beside and in the event that anything ever happens to me or his dad, someone to help bear the burden and be sad with.

There is no doubt in my mind that Lucas is going to be an amazing big brother. He is already so conscientious about his little sister’s arrival, constantly thinking about her and asking if we should purchase this item or that for her, sharing what he plans to teach her once she’s here and asking questions about what she may be like.

This is his first drawing of his sibling. She’s all eyes, cheeks and smile. And those are her “little legs peeking out of her blanket”.

Swoon…

“A sibling may be the sole keeper of one’s core identity, the only person with the keys to one’s unfettered, more fundamental self.” – Marian Sandmaier

Day 5: Sunflowers… They’re big, bright, striking and always make me smile. #30daysofgratitude

Telling Lucas

Posted on September 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

I promise all of my posts will not be about be about being pregnant from now on, but this is one I had to write…

It was a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.

It was news I didn’t want to reveal for another few weeks.

I wanted to wait as long as possible… just in case. Anything could go wrong and how would we explain that?

It was going to forever change everything. For him and for our family.

Upon hearing our news, I imagined Lucas never looking at me in the same way again, full innocence and pure love.

I could almost envision him staring back at me/us with a look of horror in his eyes as if to ask, “how could you do this, we had such a good thing going?!”.

Telling Lucas that I was expecting a baby brought me so much anxiety I cried several times leading up to the dreaded conversation.

I researched recommended ways to tell your child you are expecting on the Internet and read them out loud to my husband. We took mental notes and practiced our dialogue. I sought advice from trusted friends and spoke to our pediatrician for her professional opinion.

No matter what his reaction, the bottom line was: we just had to do it. It was time.

Keep it simple, straightforward, upbeat and very positive.

I could do that.

Then why did the mere thought of sharing our news with our son, our first born and special boy make me break down in tears? Why did it instill such fear?

As much as I want a baby, a sibling for my son, I don’t want Lucas’ world to change and I don’t ever want him to think that Mommy and Daddy don’t have enough love for two children or more.

Over dinner, at 14 weeks 4 days we told Lucas that we some exciting family news, that he was going to be a big brother and his response was nothing like what I expected: “That’s awesome!” he exclaimed and then followed it up with lots of questions about how big my belly will get and if the baby is a boy or a girl, what the baby is doing right now, how big is the baby, when will the baby come out, and how will the baby come out. Admittedly some answers came easier than others. It was the best dinner conversation our family has ever had!

Lucas isn’t thinking any of the things I’d been fearing. I know he will eventually, but right now he’s too busy being overjoyed at the thought of being a big brother, making sure I’m eating healthy fruits and vegetables and kissing my belly.

It’s amazing how immediate love is.

10 Things I Love About My Son

Posted on August 1, 2013 Written by Tonya

When it comes to our children, we all think we’ve hit the jackpot… Our kids are the cutest, sweetest, smartest and most well-behaved and everyone else’s aren’t. And while that be so in own little delusional worlds, when it comes to my kid, there are a few things that I am really grateful for that Lucas is/does/doesn’t do/has:

10. He has never EVER been a screamer. THANK GOD!!

9. Despite being a very picky eater, he has always been a very neat eater, who doesn’t like using his hands and wipes his mouth with a napkin almost after every bite.

8. He may not always go to sleep at his bedtime, but he can entertain himself (usually by looking at books, amusement park maps and catalogs) by himself until he falls asleep and the typical requests for water, snacks, extra cuddles, just five more minutes, etc. are at a minimum.

7. He has WAY more patience than I do when it comes to waiting in lines, waiting in doctor’s offices and getting stuck in traffic. He just accepts it.

6. He has his dad’s sense of humor… very dry and expression filled. He knows how to bring the funny and keep you on your toes.

5. He has the makings of a true humanitarian displaying genuine concern about other people and their well-being. If he overhears me talk about a sick friend, days later he will ask me how they are doing.

4. He is social and wants to meet and talk to new people and make friends.

3. He is crazy inquisitive and the questions he comes up with and the connections he makes and the details he retains blow my mind daily.

2. His blue eyes make me melt. They are bight and beautiful and are a direct reflection of my own and my father’s, which I have written about before here.

1. He’s happy. He wakes up smiling and goes to bed smiling. Sure he has his moments (he’s still only four) and we definitely butt heads from time to time, but for the most part, he is really easy going (another trait he most certainly got from his dad).

I honestly don’t know what I ever did to deserve such an amazing and special blessing. I love this kid to pieces and I could come up with hundreds of qualities, quirks and special characteristics that I adore about him.

What are your favorite things about your child?

And Still…

Posted on July 30, 2013 Written by Tonya

Our day started much too early.

That’s no excuse.

Play with me.

I was short.

I was preoccupied. With what? My “To Do” list for the day? The thoughts in my head? The laundry? It could all wait. Facebook status updates? Who really cares? The latest move in my Words With Friends game? Please.

Can we go the park?

Too hot.

The beach then!?!

Too much work.

Let’s play Go Fish!

Ugh.

What about Candyland or Connect Four? Uno?

Double ugh!

Why do dogs have tails? Can I paint my finger nails sometime? When can I have gum? What’s your new favorite color? When are we going to see my cousins again? Do I have school tomorrow? What about the day after? Are airplanes or trains faster? Can I have a snack? Why don’t we have strawberries? Can you buy some? Do you know where my Francesco is?

Oh. My. God. The never ending questions!

I was tired and it wasn’t even 9:00 AM. What am I going to do with this kid for the next 10 hours?

Mom, watch this!

I doled out simple tasks to keep him busy. I asked him to line up his cars, help me unload the dryer, throw this away, take that to the other room, let the dog out of his crate, etc.

Peace and quiet in two minute increments.

Can I watch a show?

One show turned into six. Three hours of television. That’s at least two more hours of screen time than we like him to have on a daily basis. My ultimate personal definition of bad/lazy/neglectful parenting.

Mom, sit with me.

It was an extremely long day; one where the minutes deliberately ticked by and mocked me. I couldn’t help but stare at the clock and will time to move forward.

My husband got home and mercifully took over as I busied myself in the kitchen washing up dinner dishes and beating myself up.

And still…. even though I was feeling incredibly guilty, but knowing the next day would be different, knowing I would have another chance to be better, knowing the promise that comes with a new day, what does my sweet son say to me when I kiss him goodnight?

You are the best mommy in the whole world.

Tears.

Four

Posted on June 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Lucas,

You are an amazing kid.

Sure, you’re my son and I am totally bias, but you really are and I wish everyone could meet you so they could see for themselves.

You have magical powers, making me laugh when I want to cry and pushing me to be more patient with myself and the world around me. I hope you will continue to be patient with me, too. Always expect better from me.

I love singing Taylor Swift’s “22″ at the top of our lungs as we drive around town, reading tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Peter Rabbit, speaking in British accents, sitting next to you sharing a turkey and Swiss on wheat at Subway and cuddled up close on our couch for movie nights.

You’re smart, considerate and funny and for the life of me, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you but whomever I owe, I’ll be forever indebted.

My love for you is immeasurable and I am so lucky to be your mom. One of my greatest joys has been becoming your mother and watching you grow and change and learn and bloom.

Wishing you, my sweet and precious boy, a very happy fourth birthday!

Love,
Mommy xoxo

Special

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