change

Bassinets, Cribs & Sleigh Beds

Posted on September 29, 2016 Written by Tonya

~ I wrote this August 23, 2016, but I don’t get around here very much anymore. ~

From the window of my walk-in closet I watched a man my husband works with pick up Lola’s crib and mattress from our front porch, load it into his van, and drive away.

It took him three trips to and from where we left the furniture and a garbage bag full of baby blankets and linens.

His sister’s friend or a cousin or someone who can’t afford one, needs the crib now more than we do.

The lump in my chest arrives almost immediately upon witnessing this and I have the following thoughts….

I’m thrilled to see the crib go to a new home and I love the thought of a new baby sleeping in the crib.

I’m a big fan of out with the old and in with the new.

I enjoy my children reaching new milestones exactly around the time they are meant to.

And yet, although I know it’s time, I’m tearing up as I watch the man drive away.

I want to yell out, “Stop! We need it one more night”.

Lucas’s crib is still in the garage. We will be donating it next. His is dark wood and we spent a small fortune on it and it’s matching dresser and bedside table. Because… first born.

Lola’s crib is white. I had to get her white because she’s a girl and all little girls have white furniture.

The mattress, however, provided gentle slumber to both of my small babies and I hope whoever sleeps on it now is surrounded by love and light and has the sweetest dreams of a bright and prosperous future.

It’s time.

Lola enjoyed two years, two months and one day in that crib. Prior to that, she was in a bassinet in our bedroom.

She outgrew that too, as it seems this is what babies do.

Now she proudly dreams her nights away in a big girl bed.

A beautiful white sleigh bed.

With ice cream sheets.

Save

Back To School

Posted on August 30, 2015 Written by Tonya

As I carefully cut price tags off shorts and hang collared shirts both one size bigger than last year, my mind is flooded with thoughts and my heart starts to ache.

I think about what a fun summer we’ve had and how I’d like a little more. A little more time with Lucas. Just Lucas.

I think about how much my boy has grown in the last three months and what an awesome child he is. He’s funny and smart, curious about everything, a great reader and super big brother.

I think about first grade and how on earth this happen so quickly. I think about all of his first days of school so far. There have been four. Starting in 2011, Lucas went to preschool two mornings a week, then three, followed by three full days a week, then four and then came Kindergarten.

I think of all that I hope this school year will be for my son.

It is his second year in what still feels like a new school to me. He, on the other hand, fits right in and I love how his eyes light up whenever he talks about it.

I hope first grade is kind to him. I hope he is kind too. To everyone!

I hope he does his best, makes new friends, learns a ton and knows that I’ll be thinking about him every day.

I run my fingers along the crisp new shirts as they hang side-by-side in the closet, no longer on baby hangers and I weep.

Kindergarten Is Big Time

Posted on September 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas has been in preschool or PreK since he was two years old, but Kindergarten is different.

Kindergarten is BIG time.

Our family had a lot of fun getting ready for the BIG day over the summer.

Periodically, my husband and I both checked in with him… And not once did Lucas express apprehension or nerves over a new school, having to make new friends, or what a huge milestone this was/is to his parents.

I stocked up on collared shirts a size larger than last year, crisp white socks and undies and two new pairs of sneakers. The kitchen was full of all his favorite foods; jars of peanut butter, ripe but not too ripe bananas, grapes, strawberry-flavored Go-Gurts, baby carrots and garlic humus.

I was so anxious the night before making sure we had separate labeled bags for his snack and lunch, double checking all the reuseable water bottles had matching lids and that we had a change of clothes AND shoes, a favorite blanket for rest time and that his first day clothes were laid out.

We also talked about Lucas’s goals for the upcoming school year and wrote them down so that we/he, once he accomplished #1 could revisit them from time to time. I think he is more than capable of achieving each and every one:

We are 10 days into the new school year and Lucas is as enthusiastic as he was all summer. He’s more tired at the end of the day than usual, but that’s what a five-day school week will do to a little boy who no longer naps, but he’s buzzing with new ideas and school projects.

Last week he explained sequence to me and brought home a baggie full of liquid polymers that he learned about in science class, together we created a vision writing board and he is very eager for me to plan a play dates with his new friends.

I’m proud of my boy but as a mother, it still shocks the hell of me when I think something is going to bother him or make him fearful and he demonstrates the exact opposite. I hope things continue to go so smoothly for him but I’ll be ready if we encounter any hiccups.

Embracing Pink

Posted on July 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

I am in no way, shape or form a girly girl, which according to Wikipedia is defined as:

“…a slang term for a girl or woman who chooses to dress and behave in an especially feminine style, such as wearing pink, using make-up, using perfume, dressing in skirts, dresses and blouses, and talking about relationships and other activities which are associated with the traditional gender role of a girl.”

I’m not into ribbons and bows, lace or frilly flowery things.

I don’t wear a lot of makeup, if any, absolutely no sparkly stuff and you can typically find my hair pulled back in a ponytail under a baseball cap.

There are way more pairs of jeans and sneakers in my closet than dresses, blouses or heels. In fact, I look like the Jolly Green Giant whenever I try to walk in heels. Seriously, there should be a class.

I don’t like to shop, hate gossip, except of the celebrity variety and don’t know the current “in” princesses, although you’d have to be living under a rock not to have heard about Elsa and Anna.

And I hate the color pink!

It’s funny though, when Lucas was born I grew so tired of blue, my favorite color that very much out of character bought a hot pink wallet and then later purse to match.

Feeling engulfed by boys (just the two… my husband and son) I started to get comfortable with my feminine side. I began to enjoy getting dressed up in heels and dresses for date nights and dinner with my girlfriends and asked a friend more than once to help me apply my makeup.

Before the ultrasound tech could confirm I was having a boy with Lucas I knew and the same thing happened with Lola. I just felt she was a girl. I have always dreaded the possibility of having a daughter, which deserves to be the subject of its own post, but one main reason is because I still feel so out of touch with girly things.

And let’s face it, too much pink can be sickening!I refuse to buy Lola pink anything, but I still seem to be surrounded by the hue.

So while I’m not looking forward to braiding hair, pretend spa in my living room, cleaning up piles of glitter or the sheer drama that comes with being a female, I am s l o w l y embracing pink and hoping that Lola finds her own style as she grows, just so long as it isn’t to girly girl.

Conversations About Kindergarten

Posted on July 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s already starting.

I can physically feel him slowly pulling away from me, needing me less and less.

I knew it would happen. Not at five, but eventually.

Lucas, what are you looking forward to about your new school?

Making new friends.

Anything else?

Having a new teacher.

Are you feeling nervous at all?

No.

You know it’s a much bigger school then the one you are used to and while the teachers will help you, it’s okay to feel nervous.

I know.

And you can talk to Mommy and Daddy about any feelings you’re having, good or bad. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous when you go someplace you’ve never been before with people you’ve never met before.

I know. At least Katherine and Colby will be there.

True.

Do you think I’ll be able to take the bus?

Um, that might be an option. [Thinking: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!] You don’t want Mommy to drop you off and pick you up each day?

Yeah, but I also think it would be nice to walk in all by myself.

Audible painful sigh. Can sighs be painful?

Well, why don’t we talk to Daddy and see what he thinks. It’s always good to diffuse/put off/rely on the other parent in times like these, no?

Okay.

To date, this has to be one of the most crushing things I’ve heard come out of my son’s mouth. Crushing and true.

He’s growing up, my little boy.

My five-year-old.

My kindergartner.

He wants to take the bus! Eek!!

Growing up is easy, it’s the letting go that’s hard.

Telling Lucas

Posted on September 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

I promise all of my posts will not be about be about being pregnant from now on, but this is one I had to write…

It was a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.

It was news I didn’t want to reveal for another few weeks.

I wanted to wait as long as possible… just in case. Anything could go wrong and how would we explain that?

It was going to forever change everything. For him and for our family.

Upon hearing our news, I imagined Lucas never looking at me in the same way again, full innocence and pure love.

I could almost envision him staring back at me/us with a look of horror in his eyes as if to ask, “how could you do this, we had such a good thing going?!”.

Telling Lucas that I was expecting a baby brought me so much anxiety I cried several times leading up to the dreaded conversation.

I researched recommended ways to tell your child you are expecting on the Internet and read them out loud to my husband. We took mental notes and practiced our dialogue. I sought advice from trusted friends and spoke to our pediatrician for her professional opinion.

No matter what his reaction, the bottom line was: we just had to do it. It was time.

Keep it simple, straightforward, upbeat and very positive.

I could do that.

Then why did the mere thought of sharing our news with our son, our first born and special boy make me break down in tears? Why did it instill such fear?

As much as I want a baby, a sibling for my son, I don’t want Lucas’ world to change and I don’t ever want him to think that Mommy and Daddy don’t have enough love for two children or more.

Over dinner, at 14 weeks 4 days we told Lucas that we some exciting family news, that he was going to be a big brother and his response was nothing like what I expected: “That’s awesome!” he exclaimed and then followed it up with lots of questions about how big my belly will get and if the baby is a boy or a girl, what the baby is doing right now, how big is the baby, when will the baby come out, and how will the baby come out. Admittedly some answers came easier than others. It was the best dinner conversation our family has ever had!

Lucas isn’t thinking any of the things I’d been fearing. I know he will eventually, but right now he’s too busy being overjoyed at the thought of being a big brother, making sure I’m eating healthy fruits and vegetables and kissing my belly.

It’s amazing how immediate love is.

One Year Ago

Posted on August 14, 2013 Written by Tonya

I love the old adage, “the more things change, the more they stay the same” because in life there are many, many things that should never change.

For example and just to name a few: my favorite bagel shop should never under any circumstances stop making their scrumptious cinnamon sugar bagels because even though I don’t indulge in one very often, I love just knowing they are there and they smell insane.

I believe champagne should always be popped when there’s something fabulous to celebrate and even when there’s not.

I think goofy games should always be played at baby showers no matter how much the guests and typically the guest of honor bitch about them.

Sesame Street should never go off the air, even though my son has never been a fan.

I especially hope my husband never ceases to make me laugh and my son always prefers to sit next to me instead of across form me when we are at a restaurant.

Dependability is nice, tradition is comforting, being surrounded by people and things you can trust and count on is very good and support and unconditional love is priceless, but looking back just one year ago, almost everything in my life is different, some WAY better, some WAY worse.

Exactly one year ago today I posted Letter to my Blogging Buddies by Alison of Writing, Wishing as part of my weekly series, Letters For You, I was desperately in love with and getting to know our new puppy, Charlie Pasta, I was trying to find the good in myself and making lists. I wasn’t sharing much else.

Only six of the 11 posts I published last August were mine, all the others were guest posts. So far this month, I’ve written nine posts, including this one so I’m sharing more, which can only be healthy for my psyche.

I think.

Since August, 2012, we have moved and are now living ~~miserably~~ uncomfortably in a teeny tiny apartment as we search for our dream house and I’m still getting to know our dog, who turns out is A LOT more work than my four year old and I regret getting almost daily.

Charlie Pasta and I are NOT in a good place these days, although as he sleeps peacefully at my feet as I type this, I realize I really do love him.

How has your life changed in the last year?

And what are some things you hope never change? I asked this on Twitter the other day and all I heard was crickets, so won’t you please indulge me?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt #3. What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

Limbo

Posted on April 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m in that place.

That place between here and there.

That place where tension headaches live day after day.

That place that leaves you tossing and turning night after night.

That place where the thoughts in your head are way louder than they should ever be.

I’m stuck in a state of being lost and confused, anxious and disconnected.

That place where smiles are few and far between.

That place where you function as if on autopilot, just drifting through your life.

That place where there are too many unknowns and uncertainties, unsure whether I’m coming or going, unsettled.

It’s as though I’m living half a life with one foot firmly planted in joy and hope for a bright full future and one cemented in chaos, tough decisions, worry and tears. I’m split right down the middle and quartered into sections.

That place? It’s not a good place.

Limbo sucks.

Moving By The Numbers

Posted on March 14, 2013 Written by Tonya

1 yard sale.

2 broken finger nails.

2 trips to Home Depot.

2 guys and a truck.

3rd floor. No elevator!

4 rolls of tape.

5 days without TV or Internet (thank God for free WiFi).

5 nights of take out.

5 trips to Goodwill.

10 wardrobe boxes.

12 overpriced newspapers purchased and used to wrap ~~my precious wine glasses~~ dishes.

28 boxes.

Countless curse words uttered, trips to our storage unit and glasses of wine drank.

Have I mentioned how much I hate moving?!

But, last night in our new apartment (gulp) I slept better than I have in a long time because the hard part is behind us. I hope…

Now on to house hunting!

One red wall.

Change Is (Mostly) Good

Posted on February 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

I can’t believe we have to move.

Even though I knew it was coming, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.

My chest is cramping with stress and the lists running through my head are giving me the spins.

The last few days have been chaos amidst boxes and packing tape, furniture pads and piles.

So many piles.

We’ve decided whether to save, sell, donate or store countless items.

Another new address.

Temporary, but still.

Change.

I don’t like change.

Especially on top of all our regular everyday stresses…

Deadlines.

Appointments.

Trips to the grocery store.

Laundry.

Late nights.

Early mornings.

Errands.

Exercise.

Phone calls to make and return.

Full In Boxes.

Bills.

Lunches to prepare.

A chipped tooth and an emergency visit to the dentist.

Infertility treatments.

A dog with warts in his mouth (Ugh. Don’t ask!).

Birthday presents to purchase.

Swim lessons.

Responsibilities.

Life.

But, I don’t have any more going on in my life than you, in fact your To Do list probably looks a lot like mine. Sure the tasks may differ, but the intent behind the reminders is the same and I’m sure the strong desire to cross items off is too!

The older I get the more I realize change can be exciting and a move doesn’t have to be all that stressful. It’s a huge pain-in-the-ass, but I know it’ll all get done.

Plus, there’s a lot of really great stuff going on right now too. Lucas, for one is very excited about living in an apartment complex that has not one, but three pools! We are looking forward to a fun Spring and Summer and finding a house by Fall.

I’m not going to be posting here as much over the next few weeks, so bear with me. Having said that, my infertility column over at SheKnows is still of the utmost importance to me and you can find a new post there every Monday through May. Today’s offering is Acupuncture for infertility: On pins and needles. Please read and share!

Bassinets, Cribs & Sleigh Beds

Related Posts:

Back To School

Related Posts:

Kindergarten Is Big Time

Related Posts:

Embracing Pink

Related Posts:

Conversations About Kindergarten

Related Posts:

Telling Lucas

Related Posts:

One Year Ago

Related Posts:

Limbo

Related Posts:

Moving By The Numbers

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About