blog conference

BlogHer 2014 Recap

Posted on August 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s hard to put into words a lot of things but I’m finding it especially difficult to describe my feelings post BlogHer 2014.

It’s been over a week since I returned from San Jose and my second BlogHer conference and I’ve gone through a roller coaster of emotions.

I was on a high as soon as I got home, buzzing with ideas and inspiration and then re-entry was rough and I jumped in head first, back to my normal routine. I posted a couple of things just because but felt my writing fell flat and not up to par and I certainly didn’t use any of the tips I had just learned in either of the two Writing Labs I attended. Then I felt depressed because I missed my blogging buddies and now I know if I don’t gather my thoughts, I never will or I’ll forget.

This year’s event felt a lot smaller, which was a very good thing and I didn’t put any pressure on myself to rush from event to event. I also wore flats which was a huge relief to my feet.

This time around I felt like I belonged and not like such a fish out of water. I didn’t spend much time on the exhibit floor and didn’t bring home a lot of ~~junk~~ swag.

The best part for me was seeing old friends and meeting women I had already come to know and love and I did learn a few things about writing and editing and the future of personal blogging, which I hope to implement.

I sat in awe as I listened to blogging royalty, Jenny Lawson and Alexandra Rosas and real celebrities, Kerry Washington, Tig Notaro and Arianna Huffington. And talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions, this year’s Voices and Photos of the Year had me giggling, laughing out loud and dabbing tears from my eyes.

I didn’t want to write just another highlight post or flower it with photos (because I didn’t take that many) and share soundbites from what was an incredible weekend.

I’d rather convey to you the importance of support and friends and laughter. I laughed a lot! I had fun and was once again reminded that we each have a story to tell, an inspiring, magical, perhaps heartbreaking story within us.

I will share one photo… my favorite from the weekend. I love these women so!

A Parenting Lesson In Preparedness: Lucas Lost His First Tooth!

Posted on July 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

You know you’re a mom when on the rare occasion you go out of town, monumental things will happen at home.

Okay, so that’s a little dramatic, but Lola did officially start crawling over the weekend I was in San Jose at BlogHer 2014 (I’ll share a recap post on the conference in a few days).

And Todd sent me this photo of Lucas’s first loose tooth!

So exciting.

I had visions of going to the bank for crisp $2 bills, carefully painting the bills with glitter glue and downloading a template for Tooth Fairy stationary. A visit from the Tooth Fairy is very special, especially when it’s your first one.

I was reassured by my fellow mom friends that it takes a few days for a loose tooth to come out so I wasn’t too worried about it coming out while I was away.

Well, it happened last night! After a long day at Super Hero summer camp, karate lessons and a fun dinner out with friends, it was very late when we got home, way after bedtime late.

Lucas had been saying in the car that is tooth felt “looser” so he rushed to show his dad as soon as we walked through the door. Todd only had to wiggle the tooth slightly and after four days of being loose, it came out!

Why does everything happen at bedtime?

While Todd bathed and fed Lola, Lucas and I wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy, I snapped a couple of terrible photos and then read him two books because even though it was well after his bedtime, he can’t go to bed without a story. I was trying to keep calm and not think about all the rushing around I would soon be engaging.

Once Lucas was safely asleep, I was scouring Pinterest for ideas, drafting a letter from the Tooth Fairy, asking about the going rate for baby teeth on Twitter, dragging out the printer, painting a $10 bill with glitter, drying it with a hairdryer and destroying any evidence. All at 11:00 at night.

Oy, the lengths we go to, right?

Neither of us had a $5 bill and Todd actually offered to go out and make change but we decided that was where we draw the line.

My advice to parents of new five-year-olds about to lose teeth, get your shit together early. You can thank me later!

BlogHer 2014

Posted on July 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

Three years ago when I attended my first BlogHer conference in San Diego, I was so nervous but looking forward to learning all that I could about blogging and how to be a better blogger. Back then I considered myself just another mommy blogger.

I carefully planned the sessions I wanted to attend and my daily and evening outfits, complete with accessories and shoes, made sure I was a “plus one” or personally invited to all the “right” parties and walked the exhibit floor handing out my blog cards to everyone I met. I had high expectations and was out to impress. Don’t get me wrong, I was still me, but I felt as though I had to prove that I belonged.

It was fun and I did learn a little but I mostly enjoyed meeting other bloggers, women who I had come to know so well through the generous words they shared on their own blogs and through other social media outlets.

Tomorrow morning bright and early, I will be traveling to San Jose, where I will attend this year’s BlogHer 10th anniversary conference.This time around I consider myself more than just another blogger, I am a writer. I have a voice and a story and believe I have made a (albeit miniscule) difference by sharing my grief and infertility struggles, my words and myself.

My expectations for this year’s conference are much lower than they were in 2011 and I have very few plans. I hope to learn more about this community I belong to and love so much and will attend a couple of sessions on writing and the future of blogging, but what I am most excited about is seeing old friends, making new ones and gaining a renewed dedication to my space.

I have shared before how I feel I have neglected Letters For Lucas over the last couple of years and I’m in dire need of a resurge. I think this is just the ticket!

That taxi is going to be here in 12 short hours so I suppose I better start packing!

Are you going to BlogHer this year? If so, please look for me!

The Face In The Mirror

Posted on June 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

I had the pleasure of meeting Nicole of By Word of Mouth Musings at BlogHer last year. I first fell in love with her South African accent and then her heart.

This woman does it all and then some; she is a mother, wife, blogger, home schooler and is one of the kindest, most thoughtful people in the blogosphere. If you haven’t read any of her posts yet, please start with this one: The Green-Eyed Monster, it will tell everything you need to know about this amazing woman.

I am proud to have Nichole here today.

Dear Face in the Mirror,

We should talk about this life we share.

I have looked at you more than a million times, or yes, I will admit, even harshly examined. Sometimes you smile back at me, sometimes you look as though I caught you unawares. Some days you look like you could do with a nap – or a facelift. There are days I try to ignore you and then there are days that I scrutinize each and every part of you. Those are also the days I tend to be thankful for my failing eyesight, the image is not as brutal. Sadly, I have been unkind to you over the years and the damage cannot be undone. I realise its way too late for apologies.

Some days you surprise me when I catch you looking back at me. I see you, and without fail I seek out the lines that crease around your eyes. Eyes sparkling, but some days – a hint of sadness. It is said that your eyes are the window to your soul. As I look into them, what do I see? What stories do they tell?

The face I see, a mouth that smiles, a smile that travels to those eyes. My Mother once told me that I should be proud of the little crinkles earned… they tell of laughter and joy. A life lived with happiness. Not wrinkles to be lamented, but to rejoice in for they show the delight and sheer elation of a life lived. Blessed with a family, gorgeous children who fulfill life’s promise, and friends near and dear.

Some days I see a furrowed brow when times gets hard. Sometimes offering a facade of an immaculate life to the world. And yes, dear reflection, there are days when those eyes well up with ugly tears of frustration, of sadness or reflective of memories of old. When I hold you in my hands and weep silent tears for paths chosen, for days lost, for babies that were not to be. Memories never made and looking into your eyes I know so well, I see pain and sadness and loss. Those days, there is no light to be had when I glance at you in that dark and empty place. A pretense, a masquerade of all being perfect in the world – when really, is there really such perfection to be had?

I trust that as years go by I will see wisdom and kindness, that there will always be a hint of a smile and a glint of whimsy. We will deliberate our passage and we will continue this road together, doing our utmost to approach the inevitable changes with grace. Rather like a star of time immemorial, elegant brow raised, contemplating the future – maybe we will even wear purple.

All good things indeed, but first, I must learn to love you. Flaws and all. And decide which one of us will be the reflection of the other.

With hope (and love) – Nicole xxx

Follow Nicole on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest

Dead Dads Club

Posted on May 15, 2012 Written by Tonya

I first met Mary in March, 2011 at Bloggy Boot Camp in San Diego and was instantly smitten.

Mary is lively and vibrant and gave a wonderful talk on vlogging. And then I started following her awesome vlogs on The Mama Mary Show because after all, she’s the pro and oh so funny!

If you haven’t seen her Why I Love Kristen Wigg and Should Star in Bridesmaid 2 vlog, go now. I’ll wait. But please come back, because Mary is here today sharing a bittersweet letter to her father, who has been gone for 11 years. I, like some of you can identify with this loss all too well and that’s why Mary and I will always be kindred spirits and members of the Dead Dads Club. That and the fact that I can’t listen to Lady Gaga’s Edge of Glory without thinking of her.

Dear Dad,

A lot has happened in the past eleven years since you’ve been gone. In one breath it feels like just yesterday that we were sitting in your den, watching TV and discussing plans for my wedding, but yet, it also feels like an eternity since you were a living, breathing part of my daily life.

I’ve been a lot of places and experienced some pretty remarkable things over the years, that I wish I could have shared with you, but by far my biggest accomplishment has been having my two daughters, Lily and Lexi. I see you in them, which is really comforting, yet it also breaks my heart to think you will never get to know them or they you. I talk to them about you often because I want them to know what a great man their grandfather was.

My other major accomplishment has been publishing my book, Dead Dads Club; Stories of Love, Loss, and Healing By Daughters Who Have Lost Their Dads, and launching the DeadDadsClub Web site in your honor. Part of me thinks you would be pissed as hell that I am making such a big deal out of you, but I really had to find a way to turn my grief into something positive. For that I think, I hope, you would be proud.

The one thing I know you’d be disappointed with is that I’ve only been in one play since you died, Dad. I did my last show the year after you died and it felt hopelessly empty and uncomfortable being on stage without you in the audience. Of course Mom and Steve were there and have remained incredibly supportive of me, but for some reason, I haven’t been able to bring myself to go back to performing since you’ve been gone. I know how much that would pain you to know because you would never have wanted me to give up on my dreams.

The good news is that I’m starting to get the itch to perform again. I’ve been on some auditions recently and I’m even going to be performing in a dance recital this next weekend with the girls. Part of me wonders/worries that it is silly of me to perform in a recital made up predominantly of kids and teens, but I’m looking at it as a challenge and also a baby step to getting back into the swing of things. Again, I think, hope, you would be proud.

And in other news, I just turned 40 years old. How the heck did that happen? I am now the age that you and mom were when you had me, which seemed ancient when I was a kid. Recently I found a photo of you, taken when you were around 40, and it really made me wish that my 40-year-old-self could hang out with your 40-year-old self. We would get along famously, I just know it. We would drink wine, argue about politics, and discuss books, though we couldn’t quite talk about the book I’m currently reading.

As I’ve gotten older and become a parent I have begun to appreciate you in an entirely new light. There was a time when I was growing up that I resented you for drinking so much and for working such long hours. For yelling at Mom and for treating your daughters like we were clients. But now that I am a parent, I see that you were doing the best you could do. You were doing what you knew and what you thought was right.

One of the most poignant memories I think of frequently took place one afternoon, just a week or so before you died, almost exactly eleven years ago. We were in your den and I was administering your saline IV drip. We were facing each other, practically face-to-face. I didn’t know how much more time I had with you so I decided to take that intimate moment to tell you everything I wanted to say. I told you that I loved you. I thanked you for being such a great dad.

“You’ve supported me in everything I’ve wanted to do, allowed me to travel and to find out who I am.”

You replied with, “Well it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”

“I am going to miss you, Dad.”

“I’m going to miss you too, babe.”

I fought back my tears because you always hated to see me cry, but as soon as your IV drip was in place, I excused myself from the room and wept like a baby. I knew that was going to be one of the last moments I would have with you, and it was.

I think back to that time and wonder if I said enough. Was I fervent enough in my love or grateful enough in my thanks? Did you truly know how much I loved you?

I guess that’s why I’m writing this now. I want to make sure, all of these years later, that you know how much I love and miss you.

I’m going to assume that yes, you know. I’m also assuming that you’re having a helluva good time, wherever you are, with your old buddies like Newman, Jack and Harry. I hope you’re hanging out with your daughter/my sister, Marci, who left us to join you way too soon. And I hope you’re looking down with the same pride you used to beam with from the theater seats.

I’m smiling back, blowing kisses and missing you to pieces.

Love, as always,

Mary

Dear Pops

Posted on December 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

I love Katie and one of the highlights of my year this year was not only meeting her at BlogHer but rooming with her too. I adore her easy going personality and her beautiful words at Sluiter Nation.

I am so very pleased to have Katie here today with a touching letter to a father-in-law she never had.

Dear Steve…

No. no. that is not right. Let me try again.

Dear Slippery…

No. That is not right either.

Dear Pops…

That is better, I guess. Though I never was able to get comfortable calling you anything. That time was stolen from both of us.

It’s not fair that you were taken less than two months after I joined the family.

But you know that too. So I am not going to spend time on it.

I want to tell you things. I often start, but don’t know how to continue. I never got that one on one time to find my voice with you. I don’t know what our conversation would sound like.

I want you to know that Cortney is doing everything he can to make you proud. He takes care of me and his siblings. He reaches out to both his sister and brother to let them know he is there for them. He keeps up with his step-mom the way you wanted.

And last Christmas he was there to be the head of our family when your dad…our Gramps…died.

He knows he is the eldest generation now, and that is a heavy load to bear.

But he is not the last.

I want you to know about your oldest grandson, Eddie. But you already know about him, don’t you?

I know that you do because I see your silliness…your dimples…your spirit in him. I know Cort does too because it makes him smile a sad smile at times.

And I get a feeling Eddie knows you too.

Maybe it’s the way he points you, Papa, out in photos.

Maybe it’s how he tells me Louis, the cat, went to live with Jesus…and Papa…in Heaven.

Maybe it’s just the look in his eye.

Often times, Cort teases Eddie and tickles him until he gasps for breath, and when I tell him to stop, he says, “my dad did this and I lived.”

I know he thinks of you often and wishes he could go through this dad thing with you by his side. I know he would like to show off his boy to his dad.

Especially because we’ve got another son on the way. Charlie will be here in March.

Two Sluiter boys to carry on the name.

Will Charlie be as “Sluiter” as Eddie is?

Will I see you in the sparkle in his eyes too?

Will I see the past, present, and future of both Cort and me all at once like I do in Eddie?

What I do know, is that I wish you were here.

For Cort.

For the boys.

For me.

I miss something I never really had.

A father-in-law.

Love,

Kates

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on September 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

Robin is one of my favorite writers and her blog, Farewell, Stranger is one I never miss. Robin’s writing is raw and thoughtful and eloquent. I have devoured every word of her brave journey through postpartum depression and especially love her posts about her three-year-old son, Connor, who could be the Canadian version of Lucas.

I had the pleasure of rooming with Robin the first night of BlogHer ’11 and we stayed up until after 2:00 AM talking. To say that I hope we get another opportunity to do that again someday would be an understatement.

I am so pleased to have Robin here today with a letter to her baby girl. Confused? Keep reading….

Dear Baby Girl,

For a few months now Connor has been talking about his baby sister.

“I’m going to have a baby sister,” he said one day.

“When my baby sister comes, I’m going to teach her how to paint,” he informed me a couple of weeks ago. He was wrist deep in watercolor paint at the time, and the image of the two of you creating art together nearly made me cry (which surely would have smeared my own amateur work of art).

One day I asked him when his baby sister was coming.

“On Friday,” he said, his voice confident and sure.

I laughed of course, because he seems to be under the impression we merely have to order a baby and go to the hospital to pick it up. (It’s Grandma’s fault, because when he asked her recently where babies come from she took the admittedly smart approach and told him they grow in the mommy’s tummy and then you go to the hospital to get them.)

I wish it were that easy. If we could have you with us on Friday, I’d leave for the hospital right now and wait in happy anticipation.

That’s not how it works, sadly, but I’m intrigued that your three-year-old brother is so sure you’re coming to live with us.

Nine years ago, when we bought our first house and it was being built, your dad and I stood on the ground outside with nothing but the skeleton of a house surrounding us and thought about what it would be like to live there. It was getting dark – the sun was going down in the hills to the east, and I could see footprints in the dirt beneath us from the workers who had been there that day.

Suddenly I had an image in my mind, clear as a photograph, of our family. Four of us – your dad and I, a boy and a girl. I dismissed it as a silly dream or wishful thinking and didn’t even mention it to your dad at the time. It was too much like picturing the “perfect” family.

I actually always imagined I’d have a girl first, so when your brother came along I was surprised. And that led me to wonder whether maybe my quickly-dismissed vision from that long ago day wasn’t in fact worth paying attention to.

Your dad and I had never really talked to Connor about having another baby. He just started talking about it on his own, and has mentioned his “little sister” to Grandma as well. None of his good friends have little sisters – they’re all little brothers – so I really don’t know where he got the idea.

Maybe he knows something we don’t. I sure hope so, because our family isn’t complete yet and I’d be very happy if you’d come and join us.

Love,

Mama

P.S. If you turn out to be a boy, that’s okay too.

The Summer That Was

Posted on September 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

If Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer, Labor Day marks the end.

Sigh…

Here are our summer highlights:

We celebrated someone turning two with a bounce house party and someone else (gulp) turning 39 on a Duffy boat. Both parties included cupcakes!

There were toes in the sand, afternoons spent in wet bathing suits and sun screen applied almost daily.

There were trips to the park, sweet treats devoured and rainbows found while sailing on the ocean.

We had fun at the circus, on the water pad at Legoland and met idols at Disneyland.

There was a girls’ weekend in Palm Springs, a blog conference in San Diego and a glorious week in Hawaii.

Lucas started school and we have already proudly covered our refrigerator with adorable art work.

There was a visit to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and a mini roller coaster ride with fearless cousins.

It was a great summer, full of milestones and memories.

Wishing everyone a happy and safe Labor Day weekend!

Reflecting: One Last BlogHer ’11 Post

Posted on August 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

As BlogHer ’11 is still sinking in and I am reeling from all the new inspiration and sweet memories, I have to share one last post… the fun one, the evidence, the photos!

1. Let the games begin: arriving at the hotel Wednesday night in full blogger garb and new Uncommon custom iPhone case. Love!

2. My BlogHer experience would not have been complete without a photo with my blogging idol, Sherri of Old Tweener. Sigh! She is a beautiful person inside and out.

3. Flat Mandy of Mandyland enjoyed the Women Create Media workshop a little more than the rest of us.

4. Twitter twins, soul mates in many ways and my roommates for the weekend, the beautiful Natalie of Mommy of a Monster and Nichole of In These Small Moments.

5. Night 1: Gigi, Nichole, Lori, Natalie, me and Katie (my third roomie for the weekend).

6. Me, Sherri, Katie and Lori.

7. Another one of my favorite bloggers: the stunning Poppy of Funny Or Snot, who wasted no time staring at the enormous zit on my chin. Thanks for that!

8. Relax: My mantra for the weekend.

9. Every child’s fantasy; meeting Cookie Monster and Elmo.

10. How lucky was I to spend so much time with these lovely ladies?

11. Hearing Lori of In Pursuit Of It All read her glorious piece, The Red Underwear at the Voices of the Year ceremony was truly moving and a highlight of my weekend.

12. I was proud to wave (and wear) red panties!

13. Best. Night. Ever. I don’t get out and dance enough.

14. Yes, it’s true SurferWife is AMAZING is real life too and the Eyedews she was giving away like candy were the talk of BlogHer.

15. Katie of Slutier Nation and I had a little too much fun with mustaches.

16. A pre-screening of the movie, The Help courtesy of DreamWorks was a wonderful cherry on top of my weekend. I recommend this book to everyone and the movie did not disappoint. Plus, the theater was dark, quiet and cool and gave me a little time to reflect.

BlogHer ’11: My Recap

Posted on August 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

It wasn’t about the swag, the parties, the sessions, or even the networking.

Even though the swag was nice, the parties a lot of fun (especially Dance Party USA at Sparklecorn), the sessions I attended (Essential Writing and Editing Skills, Essential Blog Content Development Workshop, How to Pitch Freelance Editorial Work and Malcolm Gladwell is Missing the Point: Revolutions are Happening Online) extremely informative and the networking a great step towards furthering my freelance writing career, for me, BlogHer ’11 was more about finally meeting so many amazing women that I have been getting to know on the Internet through their blogs and on Twitter for months.

It was about the connections I have built online with women I had already considered friends, but wanted to hug in person and tell how much they mean to me. It was about surrounding myself with like-minded mothers, seeking their advice, sharing a laugh and a glass or two of wine and maybe even shedding a tear as they worked through an emotional moment.

I did all of the above and in turn, BlogHer ’11 met and exceeded my expectations.

Thumbing through the stack of business/blog cards I collected from everyone I encountered makes me smile. Many of these women I already classified as members of my tribe and a few I had been fortunate enough to meet once or twice before, or talked to on the phone. Being able to spend an entire weekend with them was pure magic. There are also lots of new names in the stack and I’m looking forward to getting to know them and their writing soon.

I met most of the women on my “must meet at BlogHer ’11” list, but didn’t get to spend nearly as much time as I would have liked with anyone.

The weekend moved much too fast and in a lot of ways felt like being back in school, shuffling from one event to the next, saving seats, checking in, wardrobe changes and cute shoes, gossip and laughs. It will surely be a weekend that I won’t soon forget and I’m already missing Natalie, Nichole, Katie, Sherri, Gigi, Morgan, Lori, Poppy, Robin, Yuliya, Galit, Cheryl, Tracy, Jessica … this list could go on and on and on.

All I can say is, thank God for Twitter!

Feeling more inspired and focused about my writing and my little corner of the Internet than ever, I am planning to attend BlogHer ’12 in New York!

I took copious notes during the sessions I sat in and will be sharing a few tips over the coming weeks (although I believe the bulk of the information covered will be available on the BlogHer Web site), but if you’d like to know more about my BlogHer experience or have a specific question, please ask.

BlogHer 2014 Recap

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