advice

Staying Afloat

Posted on February 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s not unusual for me to leave clothes in the washer or dryer overnight or to walk out of the house wearing my slippers, but it is unusual for me to put Windex in the refrigerator, completely miss an appointment that I not only have on my phone calendar with an alarm reminder, but also on my paper calendar.

That’s not like me.

That’s not like me at all.

It’s not unusual for me to have to reheat my tea three times in the morning, only to forget all about it all together in the microwave, however, boiling a pot of water down to nothing *TWICE* while attempting to make Lucas mac and cheese is very unusual.

I’ve turned into a scatterbrain.

I rewrote a “To Do” list the other day that I already written with exactly the same tasks. I’m religious about my lists, almost can’t function without them, especially my grocery lists, but last week I had to go to the grocery store three times because I kept forgetting items that were clearly marked on my list.

I’m spinning my wheels and something is off. I’m snappy and feel the pressure of just barely staying afloat. Something’s going to suffer, it’s inevitable something’s got it give. Sadly, I fear it has been my blog. I haven’t been sharing my thoughts here as much as I would like to (or need to).

I’ve taken on a freelance writing job at Smart Mom Style, which is something that I have wanted for a long time and I am absolutely loving, but I am CLEARLY struggling with balancing it all, keeping my head above water and staying sane at the same time. I feel behind on everything in my life and all out of sorts. I am trying to find the perfect balance (is there such a thing?!) and until I do, my posts here will be scarce.

It’s an age old mommy problem… trying to balance work, home, exercise, “me time”, couple time and quality time with anybody and anything and all without letting a single ball drop.

How do you balance your life, your career, blog and family? How do you stay in control and keep your cool? When are you most productive? Do you wake up before your children so that you can savor a few precious moments to yourself or are you a night owl, like me and stay up way past your bedtime trying to get it all in? Any tips or tricks would be most helpful and appreciated.

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Tried & True

Posted on January 16, 2012 Written by Tonya

This post is for Vlog Talk. The prompt I chose was #3 Give Jillian Michaels a run for her money. What’s your best workout tip?

Gratitude Is Everything

Posted on December 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.

Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.

I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.

Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory.

This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.

We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.

He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.

Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.

I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.

In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.

I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.

As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”

Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.

Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.

As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.

Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one.

And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.

Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?

Letters To KLZ

Posted on November 15, 2011 Written by Tonya

My Letters For You guest this week is the very pregnant KLZ, otherwise known as, Kristin, who writes the hilarious blog Taming Insanity and if that isn’t enough, she is also one of the co-founders of Eli Rose Social Media.

Plus, she can rock a pair of reindeer antlers like nobody’s business!

Dear 8 year old self: that perm is a terrible idea. At least do us all a favor and if you do forge ahead and get it, please destroy all visual evidence.

Dear 13 year old self: just because you saw a model wear nearly black lipstick does not mean it is fashionable nor does it mean you can pull it off. You’re making an ass of us and you’re too stubborn to admit it.

Dear 16 year old self: stand up for yourself now or your feelings will get so pent up that they’ll explode. Trying to be “nice” is going to backfire.

Dear 17 year old self: I didn’t mean stand up for yourself quite that much. That’s what I meant about things backfiring. PS the shade of lipstick you’re wearing now is fine. Keep it.

Dear 18 year old self: yes, your hair has some wave but you can’t pull off “curly” or really even “wavy”. You are the only one buying this hairstyle as legitimate.

Dear 20 year old self: get over him.

Dear 21 year old self: slow down. Bigger things are coming.

Dear 23 year old self: marry him. Even though he’s going to make you want to stab him sometimes, you will get back more than you ever expected.

Dear 26 year old self: you’re welcome.

Dear 28 year old self: you’re overwhelmed because you take too much on. You expect too much of yourself. Also, you’re welcome.

Dear 30 year old self: no big deal.

Dear 39 year old self: be careful. You have a teenager.

Dear 40 year old self: still no big deal.

Dear 50 year old self: Seriously, this age stuff is no big deal. What is a big deal is that some of your kids are out of college now.

Dear 53 year old self: If you’re concerned about the way that your ass looks, go to the gym and quit whining. Even I can’t stand listening to you.

Dear 67 year old self: Life happens outside of books too. Be sure to get out there and live, you dumb slut.

Dear 80 year old self: You better not have messed this up for us.

Death

Posted on October 24, 2011 Written by Tonya

People don’t like to discuss death.

In many circles, the topic of death and dying is one of those taboo subjects, right up there with religion and politics, however, when it comes to death, there is no debate. Death is final and it is going to happen to all of us.

Death is the great unknown and thinking about our mortality makes us uncomfortable.

Death presumably can never affect us in a good way.

Death represents loss; loss of a loved one, loss of everything that we know.

Death is equated with fear; fear of losing someone and fear of how it will happen to us when it’s our time.

Death is a mystery and makes us question the unimaginable:

Will I go quickly?

Will I be in pain?

Will I see a white light?

Will I have done and said everything I need to when my time is up?

What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?

Will I go to heaven?

Will I ever see my loved ones again?

Will anyone attend my funeral?

How will I be remembered?

Trust me, death is far more than Elisabeth Kübler- Ross’ Five Stages of Grief.

I am convinced that if we talked about death more, if it wasn’t such an off limits subject, it wouldn’t be so scary or hard to face.

Having lost my parents at such a young age, theirs (60 and 58 respectively) and mine (35) and serving as the executor of their estate, I implore you to think about your wishes after you die and discuss them with your loved ones.

Openly.

Candidly.

Luckily, my parents did have a Will, but it had been created 28 years before they died and there were a lot of blanks and unanswered questions. With the help of many people I trusted, their estate is now closed, but it took the better part of three years.

Imagine my shock when I discovered on my father’s last “To Do” list a line item that read: Update Will. He thought he’d have time to revise it.

I also encourage you to talk to your aging parents and/or grandparents about their Last Will and Testaments in addition to their material possessions.

When my sister and I cleaned out my parents home, we separated the things we wanted from the things to be donated and the things to be sold through an estate sale, and still filled a 4′ x 30′ dumpster to the very top with junk. 16 years of paper mostly. My parents it seems were pack rats.

Death is no fun, but it is inevitable and the sooner we stop tip toeing around it, the better.

Advice To New Mothers

Posted on September 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

I certainly do not claim to be an expert, in fact very far from it, but here are a few things I know for sure about motherhood:

1. No matter how many anti-bacterial products you use or times you wash your hands or your child’s hands throughout the day, children are a cesspool of germs and it won’t just feel like your family is sick all the time, you will be.

2. You will go DAYS, especially in the beginning without sleep, a shower, a hot meal and/or make-up. There may even be days when you barely have a free moment to brush your teeth. This is just a phase and does pass.

3. It’s okay to mourn your old life and the days when it was just you and your husband; the days before diapers, Goodnight Moon, the Elmo theme song running through your head 24/7 and apple sauce stains on your shirt. It wasn’t that long ago and anyone that tells you that they can’t remember their life before their baby, is LYING!

4. I am convinced that no matter how sweet and innocent children seem on the outside, they are deviant and cunning on the inside. They may be new here, but they’ve got your number and know all the right buttons to push. Beware!!

5. Babysitters are worth every single penny because date nights and “me time” are absolutely essential to surviving motherhood. Having large quantities of wine on hand is good also.

6. Children are a lot more expensive than you budgeted for. A lot! They grow like weeds and get bored quickly, so the more comfortable you get with hand-me-down clothes and toys, the better.

7. You will lose the baby weight. It may take six months or three years, but you will and you can IF you put your mind to it.

8. You’ll hear it a million times and eventually repeat it, too: it goes by fast, so let the dishes sit and the laundry wait and enjoy the baby days, the milestones, sweet, tender moments and the magic.

9. Trust your instincts and listen to your gut, you know a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

10. As soon as your newborn enters the world and your eyes meet theirs, you will know true love and joy as you have never known it before. Here’s hoping you can recall that gaze at 3 o’clock in the morning when your tot throws up all over his bed and then yours and then his again. Yep, that was a very long night.

Linking up this week with Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic: 10 Tips For New Moms was chosen by Cookies Mom.

This post was originally written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 5.) Advice to new mothers (September 14, 2011).

How To Be The Best Blogger In The World

Posted on August 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ve been blogging for almost two years and in that time I’ve learned a couple of things about how to be a good blogger.

There is a method to this madness, an unspoken etiquette that bloggers follow and some very important dos and don’ts.

For those of you feeling super ambitious, follow these tips and you may be crowned: The Best Blogger in the World! Please try to refrain from eye rolling until the end.

1. Write an informative, insightful, witty, fantastic post every. single. day., complete with links to others and professional photographs to illustrate your points.

2. Publish your fantastic post at midnight on the dot, if you live on the east coast and 9:00 PM, if you live on the west coast.

3. Promote your fantastic post on Twitter (multiple times throughout the day), Facebook, (which includes your blog fan page, your personal Facebook page, the Studio+ 30 and 5 Minutes for Mom pages and any other Facebook pages that will allow you to, Stumble your fantastic post and add a teaser to BlogFrog (or other favorite community site) and join multiple memes/linkies and/or blog hops that apply, even if it’s stretch. It’s called multi-tasking, people. Oh, and driving traffic to your site.

4. Reply to each and every comment your fantastic post receives. Bonus points if you do this within minutes of receiving the comment.

5. Follow every single person that follows you, whether it be on your blog or Twitter and engage. Hourly. Read their posts, comment on them and promote them.

Ugh.

Clearly, I’m kidding! There is NO WAY in hell anyone could do all this. Even with an extra 24 hours in their day. Though the “blogger guidelines” are unspoken, it sometimes feels like you have to be in people’s faces all the time just to keep up. It gets to be too much sometimes, doesn’t it? It does for me.

Truly, my only advice is this: write from the heart, be true to who you are and do your best to encourage, support and learn from others.

That’s it. Simple, right?

Blogging shouldn’t feel like a chore. It shouldn’t cause you angst or pressure of any kind and the minute it’s not fun anymore, you should take a step back and reevaluate why you do it in the first place. Why do you blog? I hope it’s not to be the best blogger in the world.

By the way, I did post this on the Facebook pages mentioned above and will Tweet it in hopes of RTs all day. I will try my best to respond to all of you IF you comment, I’m sorry if I don’t already follow you and I would have included a photo but I couldn’t get my son to cooperate. No, he’s not relevant to the subject matter, but he sure is cute. 🙂

A Tot In Tow

Posted on July 26, 2011 Written by Tonya

Lucas’ first time on an airplane was August 14, 2009. He was just nine weeks old.

Lucas’ First Flight! SAN —> SJC en route to Monterrey.

Thank goodness my mother-in-law was with me to help out because Lucas had a blow out of the yucky disgusting nature (his one of only four EVER) mid-flight and I was stuck in the bathroom with him and left his diaper bag with a clean change of clothes back at my seat. Such a rookie move!

Even so, Lucas was A LOT easier to travel with back then (he used to sleep the entire flight) than he is now.

Since that first flight, I have flown solo to the Bay Area (an hour, 20 gate-to-gate) with Lucas a dozen times to visit my in-laws and Todd and I have taken him to Europe and Australia. At this point, I consider myself an expert at traveling with a tot in tow.

Now, having said that, as we are getting ready for our summer vacation, a week in Hawaii (!!), the thing I’m most stressed about is the flight there and back.

Five hours in a confined space makes me crazy enough, but add an energetic toddler to the mix and it could be a nightmare.

I am not claiming to be an expert on any of this, but here’s what usually works for us:

Book your flight for first thing in the morning, when children are usually at their best or around nap or bedtime, in hopes that they will sleep.

Before you even get to the airport, explain where you’re going and how you’re going to get there. Airports and airplanes can be scary for small children; there are lots of people scurrying about, long lines, loud noises, etc.

Let your child be a part of the packing process. Allow them to pick out a couple of favorite items to bring on the plane in addition to having something stowed away in the suitcase to “meet” them at your destination.

Once at the airport, spend a lot of time walking around. You want to tire your child out and burn off some of that extra energy so they can sit still for some of the flight.

Load up your iPhone, iPod, iPad or other favorite electronic device with photos and videos of your child. Lucas loves seeing footage of himself. Just don’t forget to completely charge your device! Many airports have outlets at the gate, so plug in before you board.

Download your child’s favorite television show to enjoy mid-flight. Most episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Chuggington and Sesame Street are $1.99 – $2.99 each.

Download tried and true toddler-friendly apps, such as: Talking Tom Cat and Toddler Puzzle Shapes, which are both free and ABC Train and Voice Cards, which range from $.99 – $1.99 each.

Be sure to bring your child’s favorite snacks and lots of them. You never know if you might get stuck on the tarmac waiting for a gate or have an unexpected delay before even taking off.

Buy some inexpensive books and toys to introduce to your child during the flight but not all at once, spread them out and don’t forget to hold on to a couple of new items for the plane ride home. It’s very important that these are items your child hasn’t seen before. The Target dollar bins are great for this! Avoid anything that makes noise so as not to disrupt fellow passengers or items that are round, as they may roll down the aisles. I don’t like crayons or markers for this reason.

Make sure to pack an extra change of clothes, not only for your tot, but you too! At the very least, a clean t-shirt. Kids get messy, drinks spill and inevitably it all ends up on mom.

It should go without saying, but carry extra diapers. Just before we got on the plane heading to Florence, I forgot to calculate our layover time in Paris and while I know European babies wear diapers too, I panicked fearing we wouldn’t have enough or be able to find them, so we scoured LAX looking for a small package. $20 (for 10!) later we were covered.

Airports and airplanes are crawling with germs, so carry Wet-Ones and hand sanitizer and use them frequently while traveling. I wipe down the arm rests, the tray table and hands all through our trip.

And speaking of germs and other yucky stuff, pack a couple of zip-lock bags for soiled clothing in case your child throws up. No one wants to smell that!

In my experience, the ground crew, TSA and flight attendants have always been very helpful. If you need help, just ask! Fellow passengers are typically sympathetic to your situation too, especially if you are traveling with your child alone and will help out if you need them too.

If a flight attendant doesn’t offer, be sure to ask for a set of wings and if it’s your child’s first flight, most airlines have keepsake certificates.

If all of the above fails, go through the SkyMall catalog page by page together and look for pictures of cats and dogs. Trust me on this. And please remember, you aren’t ever going to see the people on your flight again, so whatever happens, happens. At least you did it!

I hope these tips help you prepare for your next flight with your child, and if you have any advice to share, let me know!

This is a post that I have been thinking about for a while and just hadn’t gotten around to writing, so a big thank you to Jessica of My Time As Mom for sending @camgosha of Bibs & Baubles my way on Twitter the other night seeking advice on traveling with children. I hope you had a great trip.

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Staying Afloat

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