Search Results for: The day you were born

California Love

Posted on November 6, 2013 Written by Tonya

California became the 31st state on September 9, 1850.

I’ve lived in Southern California for almost 18 years and I love it! I wish the cost of living wasn’t so high and there were fewer people on the freeways, but I can’t imagine living anywhere else in country. Here are 8 reasons I love California:

1. 840 miles of breathtaking coastline.

2. California has to be one of the few places where you never have to leave to experience every other culture. San Francisco, Vallejo-Fairfield and Stockton are the top three most diverse cities in the country and Los Angeles is home to the largest Thai Town, Little Tokyo, Little Ethiopia, and San Francisco has the biggest China Town.

3. According to The Wine Institute, there are nearly 4000 wineries in California and Californian wines out-rank all other wine-making places. Rich and full-bodied, light and fruity, deep red to crystal white, the wines produced here are outstanding!

4. Disneyland. Enough said.

5. One day you can be snowboarding, the next laying on a beautiful beach working on your tan and the day after that enjoying the desert. Depending on your mood and desired activity, you can have any setting imaginable.

6. The weather! Southern California averages 35 days a year with measurable rain. The rest of the time? Nothing but sunshine!! It’s November 6 and while some people are seeing first snow falls and using their heaters, it was 80 degrees here today.

Enjoying a Fall day at one of our favorite parks in San Diego – November 6, 2013

7. Hollywood, the epicenter American film.

8. My husband was born and raised here and I am glad that my son was and will be too!

Not that I need more reasons to love Cali, but if you do, these are some gorgeous photos of my state: 32 Reasons California Is The Most Beautiful State In The Country.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 4.) List 8 best reasons you love living in your state.

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Day 6: I’m thankful for doggie day care places like The Bone Adventure that put up with our pooch er, I mean, look after our beloved pet while Lucas and I have a fun outing! #30daysofgratitude

My First Time Around

Posted on October 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Wednesday, October 8, 2008 was a life changing day for me.

It was the day I found out I was pregnant with my son. It was also the day I believe I became a mother.

What an amazing moment/time in my life.

Amazing and completely terrifying!

It wasn’t as though we hadn’t been trying to conceive, we just weren’t trying very hard, in other words, we weren’t taking my temperature, pumping my body full of injections, marking days off on a calendar or any seeking assistance from a reproductive specialist. That would come with baby #2!

My period was seven days late so having just come from working out followed by lunch with a friend, at her urging I took the test.

I stood naked in my bathroom crying. I was elated when I saw the digital word “PREGNANT” pop up on the EPT stick… twice! I kept checking and double checking it over and over.

I was happy, in quite a bit of shock and then I quickly became very worried. I had just returned from a wine tasting (read: binge drinking) weekend with my girlfriends and the week before that my husband and I were on vacation, which involved many, many pool side beers. Needless to say, everything was fine.

It was overwhelming but also very exciting and I couldn’t wait to share the good news with the daddy-to-be. I will never forget pulling the EPT out of my purse, sliding it across the table at dinner that night and him asking me if it was still wet!

I had no idea what I was in store for, but luckily I had the BEST pregnancy with none of the typical symptoms. No morning sickness, off the wall food cravings or aversions, no heartburn, constipation, bloating or swollen feet. I maintained a high energy level throughout the entire nine months and walked a total of 479.09 miles (yes, I kept track!). Only towards the very end (week 37) did I start to grow increasingly uncomfortable… like I had run out of room. I was having a hard time sleeping and being on my feet for long periods of time and my back hurt all the time, but other than the end, the rest was great. I know, I know, I’m one of those people.

Todd and I enjoyed every minute of reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting out loud to each other in bed late at night, giggling over the fruit and vegetable size references and daydreamed about our different our lives were about to become.

As we waited, we also did all the usual new expectant parent stuff… Snapped monthly bump photos, shared our good news with family and friends, watched my body change and grow and grow and grow, felt baby kicks, picked out a nursery motif, put together a crib, washed all the tiny articles of clothing and wondered how anyone could really be that small, registered for shower gifts, tested strollers, made lists of names we liked and could agree on, took far too many parenting classes and generally walked around with brighter smiles and springs in our steps than we had ever had before as we happily anticipated our firstborn’s arrival.

It was a magical time.

I was 29 weeks pregnant when this photo was taken by my friend Stephanie of Stephanie Ann Photography

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 4. Describe your first pregnancy… piece of cake or terrible experience?

A version of this post entitled Happy Anticipation originally appeared on Letters For Lucas on October 8, 2009.

The Happiest Place On Earth

Posted on September 19, 2013 Written by Tonya

Like most children, at the mere mention of Disneyland, Lucas’ eyes light up. He LOVES going to the Magic Kingdom and on some level knows what an ordeal it is, from the cost, parking, tram ride, lines, waiting, more waiting, crowds and multiple picture taking, it is a real treat to get to go.

Lucas’ first trip to Disneyland was when he was 18 months old and we had just moved to Orange County. In his short four years and three months on this planet, he has already been a dozen times! I suppose that’s what happens when you are born and raised in Southern California. I never want the enchantment to wear off, so I’m careful about only taking him 4-5 times a year.

While it’s fun to go to DL anytime and with anyone, I wish I could have captured the sparkle in Lucas’ eyes yesterday when we went with our good friends. Having a buddy at his level seemed to only intensify the magic and his experience. Thanks, Jen, Tristan and Samantha! I’m thrilled that together the four of us were able to get him on Pirates of the Caribbean, which he is still talking about.

Tristan and Lucas on It’s a Small World

Four Years & Counting…

Posted on August 29, 2013 Written by Tonya

August 27, 2009.

I had been a mother for only 82 days but had accepted that for my newborn son, being in the comfort of my arms was his favorite place to be. I was more powerful than ever before.

I was already completely head over heels with Lucas.

Although struggling, still in shock over my new role, more exhausted than I had ever experienced in my life and worried that I was doing ~~something~~ everything wrong as a parent, I was slowly getting more comfortable as each day passed.

While anticipating my son’s arrival, I had written him a letter expressing how much I loved him, was anxiously awaiting his arrival and shared some of my hopes and dreams for his life. This became my first Letters For Lucas blog entry.

While writing had never really been my thing, when I was pregnant (and even prior to that) I often poured my heart out to a couple of close friends via e-mail and found the release very therapeutic.

What ultimately pushed me to start my own blog was this new tiny person in my life. I needed an outlet, a way to keep family and friends updated on his life, an excuse for not creating a baby book in the traditional sense and I desperately wanted Lucas to know me better than I knew my own mother.

In the first year of Letters For Lucas, my posts were literally that, letters to my son. It has since grown and evolved and became a place that I truly treasure. Nowadays I only visit and share sporadically.

I am grateful for my loyal readers, your comments and personal notes mean the world to me. I hope you will continue to stay with me as I navigate through parenthood, puppyhood, preschool, grief, loss, being a big sister, secondary infertility struggles and soon baby #2!

Dear Principessa

Posted on March 27, 2013 Written by Tonya

Elena is one busy mama, she tells the story of making every moment matter by living, doing and growing as a freelance writer, social good advocate, runner, cancer survivor, and dream chaser. Elena believes in empowering others as founder of Just.Be.Enough. and shares her passion for travel and the dolce vita as Internal Community Relations Director and contributor to Traveling Mom.

I am thrilled to have her here today with a lovely letter to her daughter about taking the training wheels off and flying.

Dear Principessa,

It was the Spring of 2009, armed with training wheels and your Dora the Explorer map, our neighborhood was your wonderland. You peddled around innocently on four wheels, for two years, until every pedal stroke was accentuated with your knees cresting over the handlebars.

It was time for a big girl bike… A bike with TASSELS and a horn on the handlebars that would convince you to leave the ditch the training wheels. You were six years old, and it seemed like a no brainer.

Except that you would not try. You outright refused, because of course, you are my daughter and your stubborn personality is unwavering. We consulted “experts” and tried teaching you to glide, still on your smaller bike, thinking that you would learn balance and gain confidence. It had to work.

Again…not so much. Gliding was fine and good, but there was no convincing you to try without the training wheels on your bigger bike. Not even the power of those light blue tassels that you loved so much, could sway your unbending determination.

2011 became 2012 and still, your will was steady. We raised the training wheels on your big girl bike so that they were almost off the ground, which you detected immediately, causing you to never want to ride, even with the training wheels. Facing a war of strong wills, we made the small bike AND the training wheels “disappear” leaving you no choice but to learn to ride the big girl bike, sans training wheels.

Which of course, did not help. Nothing helped…not even bribery. You did not care that you were an eight year old that did not know how to ride a bike. While the lure of riding our bikes together to get frozen yogurt was appealing, it was not enough to push you to action.

And then… my dear sweet daughter, 2013 transformed you. I knew there was shift in the bike riding atmosphere when an innocent comment on my part that maybe this was the time to try again, was not immediately shot down. Thinking that I should take advantage of this atmospheric abnormality, I suggested a time based incentive. If you could learn to ride your bike in two weeks, the American Girl Doll accessory that you had been eying would be yours.

At first you tried the “when I am older” act of pushing the challenge into the future… but oh my sweet daughter, my stubborn personality still has a few tricks up my sleeve. The offer was for these two weeks…after that, all deals were off the table. I was not sure that my clever plan would work, until all of a sudden, you marched out of the house, making a bee line for your bike.

I might have squealed out loud in excitement.

Over the course of three determined days, you learned all on your own. The smile and pride that emanated from your little face was telling…. an inner confidence had taken hold, and there was no stopping you. Realizing that all of a sudden you could glide down the driveway and stay in control, gave way to putting your feet on the pedals. I attempted to give a few pointers here and there, but really, I was just in the way. You had this. This was YOUR moment.

I suddenly understood something about you that even in my “infinite” wisdom, I had not grasped.

Learning to ride a bike with no training wheels had nothing to do with incentives or bribery or my parenting. You learned when you were good and ready. You learned when it mattered to you. The pride you felt after that first set of pedal strokes was magical because you had been the master of your own bike riding destiny.

I have news for you, my dear two wheel bike riding daughter.. .you are just getting started in this thing called life. Teaching yourself to ride this bike taught you to trust yourself, to be resilient, and that over time you can achieve ANYTHING. There will be falls in your future. From your bike, and in life. But by teaching yourself to overcome this challenge, you did more for yourself than I ever could as your mom.

The only thing left to do…is to keep pedaling. On and on. Oh, and get a new even bigger girl bike, because over the course of three non biking riding years, you grew… so very very much.

Love,

Your Mamma

Follow Elena on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Kookie Karma

Posted on January 30, 2013 Written by Tonya

We lived next door to Juli and her family for four years. Her blog, PUREmamas, where she shares easy to follow raw and vegan recipes and gorgeous photos of her sons and her life in San Diego, was one of the first I read.

Her youngest son and Lucas are less than month apart.

Todd and I were seeking her advice on signs of labor in her bedroom as she and her family were all snuggled in bed together the night I went into labor.

Juli is going through a transition right now and has written a departing letter to her company, Kookie Karma, a company she founded 10 years ago. A company she built from the ground up, made thrive and is now bidding farewell.

Please welcome my friend, Juli.

Dear Kookie Karma,

On a beautiful Saturday at the Santa Monica farmer’s market, where the fruit and veggies were bountiful, people were friendly, hippies were frolicking, the air was salty and fog was blowing in, I picked up a cookbook.

A book, for a self-proclaimed “chef”, looked extremely enticing. Every recipe was full of bright plant foods, beautiful salads, and pizza topped with flowers(?!), gorgeous meals with the simplest yet most gourmet ingredients. As I read the book I realized that every recipe was made with ONLY raw fruits and vegetables. No dairy. No animal meat. No sugar. No butter. No eggs. Only stuff grown in the ground. Not only did I buy the book, but I also decided to try this raw food ONLY lifestyle for one week.

I headed straight for my kitchen and I followed recipe after recipe. Day after day. I can’t even begin to explain the way I felt. I didn’t cheat one time {note: I even brought my own salad dressings to happy hour with my girlfriends and they were definitely annoyed with me at this point}. Meals were in Tupperware containers and were ready to grab out of the fridge. Nothing went in my mouth that came from a package, not even chewing gum. I ate REAL, non-cooked, energy filled, sprouted, fresh, organic food for seven whole days.

The results: Endless energy. Smooth skin. 5 lbs dropped {not a goal, just a side-effect}. My Eczema cleared {all gone and doctors had told me it would never go away and just gave me steroid creams}. I felt light and airy. Slept like a baby. I was happy and energetic. No brain fog. No headaches. NO PMS!!

I had been working in an attorney’s office and had a bad case of the office blues and those seven days of eating a 100% raw diet motivated me to leave my job and return to school to study nutrition.

A year later Kookie Karma was born.

Using my cooking experience and nutrition knowledge, I created my own “packaged snacks” to sell to stores. My “kookies” contained no dairy, no sugar, no gluten and no soy.

I didn’t see another product like this on the market and I figured if I felt this good eating this way, so would everybody else.

I lived and breathed my business. Sweat. Tears. Hours of baking. Deliveries. Education. Web design. Package design. Sales. Marketing. Email after email. Research. You name it.

I landed Whole Foods Market as one of my first customers, which then led to me building my own commercial kitchen. It was a dream come true. Despite the long hours, I could still make my own hours which allowed me to have a lot of fun on the side. A 24 year old’s dream!

Sales went up, Kookie Karma was named a “hot item” by In Style magazine in 2006 and I was named one of the Top 20 Entrepreneurs in their 20s by the Los Angeles Business Journal.

Then… I fell in love. I was not only distracted by a man but suddenly I wanted different things in my life. In fact, it wasn’t long before we were starting a family. Thinking everything would be fine and I could make it work, my employees could handle it, I could bring my son to work. You know, all those thoughts you have before your big wake-up call {the day the baby arrives}.

I remember being on the phone with the bank, computer on my lap and my newborn baby at my side, and they informed me that due to the declining economy, my line of credit was being revoked.

A year later, I was in the same boat but with a 1 year old running around and another newborn on my lap. I was checking email just hours after the birth of my second son and back in the office a week later.

My passion for health food wasn’t fading but my drive to be an entrepreneur was. I didn’t want to wear all the hats; juggle cash flow, stay on top of the bookkeeping or answer the never ending phone calls. My interest, my head and my HEART were someplace else. Kookie Karma had became nothing but stress for me.

Over the next few years, Kookie Karma grew a little but I had stopped taking a salary and I needed investors. I didn’t have the time or energy to search for them, my focus was elsewhere. I tried to sell, but the business needed funding to keep going another month.

Eventually, it died.

A slow painful death at that.

Kookie Karma has been a huge part of me. It’s the only real career I’ve known; almost 10 years! It has defined and shaped me into the person I am today. I’ve learned more from running my own business than any business school could teach me, I’ve met the coolest people and had the same, wonderful staff for over seven years. I have received the BEST thank you letters from people who have enjoyed my products. In fact, it was often those messages that kept me in the business longer than I should have been. That’s essentially why I started Kookie Karma in the first place, to share with people a piece of what I had experienced.

But I realized that my past had to die before my new life could really start. I couldn’t handle being a CEO and a mom. That realization was HUGE. My kids are my passion now. Forget trying to expose the WORLD to health food, it’s a challenge just trying to expose my sons to it!

I am still working; blogging at PUREmamas and consulting. Someday I’ll start another business, but for now I’m just wearing the mommy hat and it is by far the hardest yet most fulfilling one yet.

I’ve definitely gone through feelings of guilt and failure and disbelief. I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to Kookie Karma.

I wouldn’t change a thing about my past. Everything was the way it should have been. And it is how it should be. I made a choice. A big huge choice and grew from it. Pain, stress and hardship make our souls richer.

Goodbye 20’s.

Goodbye Kookie Karma.

And THANK YOU!

Juli

Please follow Juli on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Dear Kids

Posted on January 23, 2013 Written by Tonya

Laura of A(n) (un)common Family and Editor for SheKnows Parenting and allParenting,so essentially, my boss is my Letters For You guest today with a truly beautiful love letter to the brightest lights in her life, her children.

Grab the Kleenex, this one might get ‘cha.

It is a true honor to have her writing for me for a change. 🙂

Dear Mattix and Molley,

I often say that motherhood is the job I never knew I wanted so much until I had it.

And that’s the truth.

I knew I wanted to be a mom. I knew that without kids, I’d always feel like I was missing something.

But I wasn’t in a big hurry. I wanted to finish school. And then law school. I wanted to buy our house and enjoy even more time with your dad.

I was young when your dad and I got married, but I knew what I wanted in life.

I just didn’t know how much I wanted it.

Like most moms I know, I became a mom for selfish reasons. I wanted kids. I wanted all of the work, risks and huge, immeasurable rewards that come with parenting.

And then, after your dad and I committed to parenthood and laid our souls bare to complete strangers whose permission we needed to become parents, and after a lot of time and waiting and stress that words will never capture, I was a mom.

And suddenly, it all made sense – the reason for breathing.

I finally understood unconditional love. I never had – and I never will – feel that kind of love for anyone other than my children.

We adopted you both, but make no mistake. We didn’t “save” you or “rescue” you or “give a better life” to you or do any of those things you might hear one day – the things some people might say, certainly well-meaning, because you were born in other countries and became our kids in a less traditional way.

You both completed us. At just 4- and 5-years old, you’ve already given your dad and me more than I could have hoped for in an entire lifetime. And I know that the best is yet to come.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder what I can do to make the world even again. I was given two gifts. “Gifts” is a silly, trivial word. But I don’t know how better to describe the privilege I have of raising you both.

I owe the universe something so big that I’ll never find a way to pay it back.

I know that you are not mine alone. You were brought into the world by other moms – moms that are just as real and significant as me. Sometimes I feel sad that they don’t get to see what I do every single day – the magic you bring to the world, the light in your eyes, your smiles, your intelligence, your amazing senses of humor.

Other times, I feel sad that you won’t know people in this world who look just like you. I look exactly like Grammy and Great Grammy and even your Great, Great Grammy when she was still with us. There’s comfort in that.

I sometimes wonder if I would feel this way no matter how I became a mom – would I feel my kids are gifts to the world, even if I’d chosen to birth them? I probably would. But I don’t know because I didn’t travel that road.

As far as I can tell, you both radiate something special from the inside out. It shines – through your eyes that sparkle, through your radiant smiles and through your alternating sweet and sassy words that both make me cry and make me laugh. (Okay, and let’s be honest. Those words sometimes make me count down the minutes until bedtime.)

I always feel justified in my opinions of you both because you’re not little “me’s.” You don’t share my genes and you’re both so different – from each other and from me. You’re both unique and you were born the way you were born, independent of your dad and me.

I sometimes see similarities in us, but those are just coincidental. Mattix, your anxiety over new situations breaks my heart because I know how hard it is to experience that, but it also means that you’ll carefully think through your actions and make the best of everything.

Molley, your extreme stubbornness will get in your way sometimes – trust me – but it will serve you well when you need to reach deep for an inner strength that life demands.

You don’t have to live up to anything – you just have to be the best people you’re capable of being and maximize your potential. I want you to live happy, successful lives. Different people define happiness and success differently. I’ll trust your definitions. (Within reason, of course. Let’s not be silly. I’m a mom, after all.)

We’ll have great days and we’ll have hard days. We’ve already had plenty of both.

There will be days when you’ll want to scream at me and there will be days when you’ll want my hugs and love.

There will be days when I don’t want you to go to bed because I want just a little more time with you and there will be days when bedtime – and a glass of wine – cannot come soon enough. We’ve already had both.

But one thing is certain: There will never be a day when I’m not grateful for the privilege of raising you.

Love, Mom

Follow Laura on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter.

Playlist

Posted on December 13, 2012 Written by Tonya

Music helps me.

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to my favorite songs and other tunes that I just couldn’t escape. For every major milestone in my life, I can associate a song. Certain lyrics speak to me and make me feel better; or worse depending on my mood. But they always assure me I am in good company; that someone in the world has felt exactly what I am.

I’ve shared some of my favorite workout tunes before and that playlist is ever growing and changing. I need songs to lift me up and give me that extra ump to sweat a little longer, run a little faster and challenge myself.

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.
A dizzy twister dance
Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.

Just Dance – Lady Gaga

While planning my wedding I put together a playlist of timeless love songs and listened to it as I got ready, walked down the stairs of our house, out into our backyard and met my groom. From there on, a solo guitarist took over, but whenever I play that playlist, I am right back there taking my father arm and descending the staircase.

You know me better than that
Think I’d leave you down
When you’re down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that

By Your Side – Sade

When my parents died, I created a playlist of songs that would guarantee to make me cry. Like big ugly, crocodile tears cry because sometimes I’d walk around for days with a lump in my throat and finally just had to let it out. I’d give in, press play on a playlist I called “Amazing Grace” because that was one of my mother’s favorite songs and let the tears flow. It is a healing mix of deeply personal songs and family favorites and I always felt a little better afterward hearing it. A good cry often has that effect.

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson

Before Lucas was born I put together a collection of songs aptly titled, “Birth Day” that I had hoped to listen to while in labor. Things moved too fast for me to even grab my iPod the night he was born, but I listened to that compilation over and over and over in the weeks and days leading up to his arrival. The songs were dreams I had for my son, uplifting and hopeful.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

My Wish – Rascal Flatts

This year I made a new playlist full of songs of empowerment, triumph, strength and promise. Each one screams: don’t give up! They have become my anthems.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

I am pretty sure the artists included on this list weren’t singing about infertility, but they work.

For me.

What are your go-to songs when you need a good cry, a swift kick in the pants or gobs of inspiration?

Isaiah’s Bear

Posted on November 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have had the pleasure of meeting Sugar Jones several times and she is what I (and many others) would consider a BIG blogger. She hails from beautiful San Diego and her blog, aptly titled, Sugar in the Raw, is fun, honest, full of great info and insight.

Sugar is my guest today with a letter that is sure to tug at your heart strings especially if you are missing family you’ve never even met.

Dear Isaiah:

You just turned two. You are adorable and active and cherished by all the people in your life. Even the grandmother that hasn’t met you.

Me.

Your mom and I… we don’t talk. You don’t know that right now because you’re not aware of difficult relationships in your blissful realm. You just know that everyone around you loves you. No one is missing because everyone in your world IS your world.

While it makes me sad that I’m not part of that world, I smile thinking about how much love you are receiving from your my mom, your great-grandma. She tells me that your personality reminds her of me and that she thinks we would be so close. Her eyes get kinda watery when she talks about that, so even though I want to hear more about you and how you’re growing, I try to change the subject.

We have a present for you. We bought it when you were born. I thought we would have been able to give it to you by now, but like I said, things aren’t good between your mom and me. So I’ve held on to the teddy bear that your aunt and uncle picked out for you. We’ve kept it safe for the last two years, hoping that we can give it to you before you outgrow the need for something soft and cuddly to hug when your happy or sad or sick or smiling.

It’s a Corduroy bear. You know… from the book? I used to read Corduroy’s story to your aunt and uncle. They picked him out for you with Great-Grandma, you know. They thought you’d like the bear and the story, too. They were really looking forward to giving him to you. Now, when they see the bear, they wonder if they’ll get to give it to you at all. It breaks my heart when they ask, but I always tell them, “We’ll meet him. Just not right now.”

And I know we will meet you.

In my dreams, you are older when we finally give you the the bear. It seems silly handing a teddy bear to a young man, but I’m kinda silly about stuff like that. In my dreams, you take the bear in your hands, throw your head back in a big smile, and laugh, a big wide grin with your dimples shining through. You hug me and tell me that you love the bear and that you are so happy we are finally a family.

That’s my dream, and as silly as it sounds, I hope it comes true… someday.

Happy Birthday, Isaiah.

Love,
Grandma Shoog

Follow Sugar on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

Five

Posted on October 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

Today is an anniversary but there is no cause for celebration.

Today marks five chances to ring in a New Year,

five missed Mother’s Day brunches,

five Father’s Day barbeques,

five World Series games,

five Christmas mornings,

one very special birth.

Birthdays, holidays and other milestone days are painful reminders of who is missing from my life and there is no distraction grand enough to avert my attention.

In the days and weeks following a loved one’s death, people tend to say things like, “give it time, it will get easier.” Five years later and I don’t think people will ever know exactly what to say to me when it comes to losing my parents. There truly are no magic words that I know of, except perhaps “you can wake up now, it was all a bad dream”.

The ironic thing is that it actually does get easier with time. Time is a gift for those left behind. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it helps.

Five years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, all consuming grief, but within the little things, where grief hides, that hit me when I least expect it. These are the moments when I realize I am slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me. I make a conscious attempt to replay poignant moments in my mind in an effort to hold on; anything to hold the memories close.

My mom and dad live on in me, my sister and Lucas but the hole in my heart will forever be present. Forever gaping and raw.

After five years I am still grieving.

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