word up yo

Storytelling

Posted on November 12, 2010 Written by Tonya

I love reading and my taste in books is as eclectic as my taste in movies, music, clothes and men. Lucas LOVES books, too and my heart swells every time he toddles over with one in hand, ready to climb up on my lap and have me read to him.
I read the text and ask him to point out different things in the pictures and he is happy to oblige and ask “what’s that?” over and over and over again. I know when a book is a hit, when his eyes light up and he asks me to read it again. We visit the bookstore and library often and I spend a lot of money on books. I always have, it’s a family trait or disease, I’m not sure which.
We have books everywhere! I have at least three boxes in our garage, a nightstand of the “next ups” and an entire book case overflowing and at just 17 months old, Lucas’ collection is growing rapidly, too.

He has board books, cloth books, tiny little books and big over-sized books. Right now, he is really into books with flaps and has torn many completely off. I dutifully repair them and hand them back to him until the next time.

He has a ton of books that he can play with (chew) and “read” on his own then there are the “special” books, the ones he’s not allowed to play with without adult supervision, the ones way up on the top shelf of his closet.

These are the books that only come out at bedtime; Where the Wild Things Are, Goodnight Moon, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Corduroy, Caps For Sale and practically the entire Dr. Seuss collection. Like many of you, I grew up reading these books and they remain special to me today. I believe Lucas knows the difference between these beautifully illustrated hardcover classics and his other books. If he doesn’t, I hope he soon will.

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This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by the self proclaimed Nerd Mafia: Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is eclectic.

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In Treatment

Posted on October 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

I have been dreading writing about this because I haven’t got my head fully wrapped around it yet, so please bear with me and as always, any words of advice and/or comfort that you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Shortly after my parents died, I was somewhat desperate to help my sister find a psychologist to help her with her grief and in the process contacted a doctor that I saw for a while leading up to and after my divorce from my first husband.

I still feel bamboozled by her receptionist when she asked me “what about you?”. To which, I of course replied, “what do you mean, ‘what about me’?”.

Before I knew it I was seeing the good doctor again once a week for almost a year, half a dozen times leading up to Lucas’ arrival and it’s now been eight months since my last appointment.

I need her again.

I am a big proponent of therapy. I believe working with a professional can help provide insight, support and new strategies for all types of life challenges. In the past it has helped me immensely and I am lucky to have a doctor that I trust and respect. Dr. K. is a family therapist and specializes in family and marital counseling, stress management and grief.

Since spring, I haven’t been myself and it’s time to do something about it.

I’m moodier than usual, short tempered, forgetful, disheveled, anxious and confused. I sound like a toddler, huh?

Depression is a real illness and while I have never been clinically diagnosed as “depressed”, I have a laundry list of reasons for why I might be. It could be because it’s October now, which is a hard month for being the anniversary of my parents deaths, if I’m, as I’ve shared before, still getting used to my (not so) new role of mother, if I’m struggling with my summer miscarriage, or more than likely a combination of all three and a bunch of other junk too. Whatever IT is, I don’t like feeling this way and I am anxious to get back in treatment.

I’m no good at “faking it” or keeping my feelings at bay. They come out in the strangest ways and don’t want my negativity to ever affect Lucas. Not to mention, I have too much goodness in my life to feel this way.

My first appointment is next week and I have two additional appointments after that. From time to time, when appropriate I’ll update you. In the meantime, your good thoughts are welcome. Let the self discovery and growth begin.

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This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo!hosted by the self proclaimed Nerd Mafia: Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is bamboozled.

All’s Fair In Love And Advertising

Posted on September 13, 2010 Written by Tonya

After running into three co-workers last week from three different jobs I have had, I couldn’t help but wonder if Corporate America was trying to tell me something. It also made me think about what I used to do before I played with blocks and organized play dates.

For as long as I can remember I have loved everything that about advertising, marketing and promotion.

I love the science behind branding, audience development, public relations, event planning, direct marketing, product placement and all that goes into selling a product or service. There is nothing random when it comes to marketing and to me, that’s the beauty of it. Good advertising is very calculated and well thought out. It’s clever and sneaky and stays with you and if it’s really good, wills you to pull out your wallet.

I am a pop culture junkie and growing up, I memorized jingles and slogans and covered the walls of my bedroom with advertisements I liked that I’d tear out of magazines. Some of my all time favorite campaigns are for Absolut Vodka, Coca Cola, Nike, Got Milk? Gap and Target.

I still subscribe to too many magazines and in some cases (don’t tell my husband) it is solely for the advertisements.

I was lucky enough to work in marketing for almost 12 years. I have been on the client side and worked on the fast-paced agency. For the record, the client side is WAY better. It’s nice to call the shots.

I have developed marketing campaigns to sell everything from cell phone plans and cable service to books about birds and webinars on outsourcing. I miss it a lot… working 50+ hours a week and tapping into that side of my brain and I’m not going to lie, there have been many days since becoming a mother that I have wished I was sitting in a three hour meeting discussing the launch of a new product instead of changing a diaper or chasing after a toddler.

Maybe I’ll go back… someday.

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This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by the self proclaimed Nerd Mafia: Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is random.

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I Don’t Like Coffee

Posted on August 6, 2010 Written by Tonya

I don’t like coffee.

There, I’ve said it.

Sacrilegious in some circles, I realize, especially those of the mom-kind.

(crickets chirp)

How many readers have I lost?

Well, if you’re still with me and I sincerely hope you are, I know I’m in the minority on this. People LIVE for coffee it seems and can’t even function without a cup of joe first thing in the morning. I’ve known people that drink it all day long. Blech!

I have tried coffee, lattes, cappuccinos and espressos several times throughout my life, but just never acquired a taste for it. I don’t like coffee anything… ice cream, chocolate covered coffee beans, etc. My parents didn’t drink coffee either, so maybe not growing up with it has something to do with it.

I do enjoy the smell of coffee and I like it being a part of my morning. My husband ADORES coffee and we have the mugs, coffee grinder, filters, coffee maker, bags of roasted decaf, I don’t know what in our freezer and an enormous espresso maker on our kitchen counter to prove it.

SO, what gets me going in the morning you ask? A crisp, delicious, effervescent diet Coke. Just describing it makes me smile from ear to ear.

Diet Coke is my “go juice”. I typically two a day, but one is all it takes to make my world right.

The best is yet to be.

This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by the self proclaimed Nerd Mafia: Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is effervescent.

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I’m A Hot Mess

Posted on July 31, 2010 Written by Tonya

I wouldn’t say that I have let myself go, but I wore make-up for the first time in a month this week and it got me thinking about my appearance and the fact that I’ve become a hot mess!

I spend 90% of my time dressed in the stereotypical stay at home mom attire, which consists of yoga pants, sports bras, tank tops, hoodies and sneakers.

I have a terrible farmer’s tan and the humidity that we have had this summer makes my hair look like a frizzy mop. I have even contemplated **gulp** getting five inches hacked off and working the “mom do”, something I said I’d NEVER do!!

I also have several extra pounds from what would have been baby #2 to lose and that never helps. Before I got pregnant, I had lost all of my pregnancy #1 weight and then some and was feeling terrific and working out a lot. The daily walks continued, but there’s nothing like an emotional set back to keep you from going to the gym and burning some real calories.

My lack of interest in looking my best has a lot to do with feeling down and therefore only being able to muster the bare minimum when it comes to getting dressed in the morning.

I’m not a slob. I do shower everyday (it may be 8:00 at night before it happens, but it does happen), but I feel unattractive and unmotivated.

I have a closet full of beautiful, functional clothes and love to dress up, but ease and comfort is where it’s at these days.

The make-up made me feel better and made me realize that I need to make more of an effort not look like such a train wreck, if for no one else but myself.

The best is yet to be.

This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is hot mess.

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All Boy

Posted on July 20, 2010 Written by Tonya

Men and women are wired differently and it is apparent even as young as 13 months old.

I definitely have a son!

Lucas has become a very active, very loud, outgoing, fearless, rambunctious little boy.

It feels like he is on the move from sun up until sun down. Actually, it doesn’t feel that way all at, it is that way. There have been many days recently that he has been on a nap protest making for a 13 hour day. IF he does take a nap, it’s from 10:00 – 11:30, which still makes for a very VERY l o n g afternoon. Where he gets his energy, I have no clue!

No matter how you slice it, he doesn’t want to miss a thing and is really into screaming, or rather screeching, throwing, pushing, brushing off and sometimes having a full blown temper tantrum until he gets his way or moves on to something else.

Um, can you say: challenging, exhausting and often confusing?

I thought that the terrible twos (or threes) were a little ways off. Could my little monster be getting a head start? And what’s with the no naps? Please tell me that this phase will soon pass! I rely on these naps and know he needs them too.

Any useful tips, tricks or insight into the toddler male (or adult male, for that matter) mind would be much appreciated. 🙂

The best is yet to be?

This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is rambunctious.

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Miscarried

Posted on July 12, 2010 Written by Tonya

I can’t sleep.

I have too much on my mind.

I write this with a lump in my throat.

The day before Lucas’ birthday, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. We had only been “trying” for two weeks! Can you say fertile? Stranger things have happened…

Learning you’re pregnant the first time is one of the most exciting moments in a woman’s life. Not only is it a major milestone on the path of adulthood, it is one of the most joyous experiences you will ever have. I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with Lucas. I cried tears of happiness, excitement and fear.

Learning I was pregnant a second time was a little more shocking for me. I had just gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight and into my favorite jeans. The hair around my face was starting to grow back and I was FINALLY starting to get the hang of this “mommy thing”. The tears this time were out of pure disbelief. I was excited for sure, but also troubled by how our perfect little family of three was going to change drastically. I was mostly concerned with how this new addition would affect Lucas and how I might handle two under two. Doing the quick calculations, Lucas and his sibling would be almost 21 months apart.

I thought I was nine weeks along at my first OB/GYN visit when an ultrasound revealed that I was only measuring at six weeks. We were told we could have our dates off.

I’m pretty good (obsessive) with dates and knew deep down inside that something was terribly wrong.

Blood work was ordered to check my hCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels and more ultrasounds a week later. Unfortunately, my hCG levels dropped and we learned last Thursday that there had been no growth to the embryo since week six.

I had a terrific pregnancy with Lucas, (you can read all about my experience here) so why would I think anything would or could go wrong with this one? I certainly felt pregnant. I’ve been tired and famished and snarky.

But, in the end, my gut was right. There was something wrong and this pregnancy wasn’t meant to be.

Of course, we’ll never know exactly what went wrong (see #3 of my Friday Flip Offs for how I feel about that).

I never wanted to be a part of this group… a woman who has suffered a miscarriage and also a mother who is already blessed with the knowledge of the beautiful outcome of a full term pregnancy.

But here I am, a reluctant member with so many questions and so much sadness. Why did this happen to us? What went wrong? Did I do something different this time around? Will it happen again?
I know that miscarriage is far more common than we like to think and often times there are no answers. I’ll have to accept that. Eventually.

All I know right now is that this hurts, I’m sad and because I don’t want to wait around for my body to have a natural miscarriage, I have a D and C (a procedure to scrape and collect the tissue from inside the uterus) scheduled for this afternoon.

Please keep me and all of the women that have ever had to go through this in your thoughts… if just for today. Thank you. xoxo

This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo!hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is snarky.

Guilty As Charged

Posted on July 6, 2010 Written by Tonya

Where does a mother’s guilt come from?

Guilt implies that you have done something wrong.

What’s a better word for “guilt”?

Worry?

Regret?

What is it about being a mother that means you end up carrying so much of it (whatever you call it) around?

Does a mother’s guilt ever subside or does it just grow and manifest with each passing year? God, help me if it is the latter!

I find myself feeling guilty almost every single day about something having to do with the way in which I am raising my son. I feel lost some days on this journey called motherhood and a lot of the time like I’m fumbling through it with very little direction.

At this point, I know what I’m doing. I mean, I have the basics down (I think). Lucas is a very happy, healthy 13 month old, who’s well-dressed, well-fed, has a room of his own and a gazillion toys and other apparatuses to keep him safe and entertained, but yet, I still worry.

A lot.

I worry that he is getting everything he needs from me in the form of time and comfort, that he’s being exposed to the right toys, books, foods, activities, amount of sunlight, etc., etc., etc.

We spend A LOT of time together. I worry about that.

I worry that he’ll NEVER learn to drink from a cup. Every few days I try to get him to use a sippy cup and he plays with it like it’s a new toy.

I’ve been known to stick him in front of the television for 30 minutes of peace and quiet and that causes me a lot of guilt.

Oh yeah, another thing to feel guilty about: We may have found a new nanny for my 10 hour a week break… she started today and so far so good, but lots of guilt there!

I feel guilty when I don’t exercise or think I’m not taking the best care of myself because I waited so long to have a child that I feel like I owe him the healthiest fittest version of myself for as long as I can be here. Nothing like putting a little pressure on myself, is there?

The guilt is never ending and can be all consuming if I let it. I know I need to let some of this (most of it) go, but how do you do that? How do you handle the guilt that comes with being a mother?

The best is yet to be.

This post is for the word game, Word Up, Yo!hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, you should play along!
This week’s word is fumble.

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Desperately Seeking Mary Poppins

Posted on June 29, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am so frustrated with our nanny search that I am ready to pull my hair out!! See photo demonstration at right.

If you haven’t been following along… Up until last week, we had a wonderful young woman named Angel help care for Lucas two days a week for 5 hours each day and less than a month ago, she gave us her notice. (Saddest. Day. Ever.) She and her husband decided to move to Idaho so that he could go back to school. We were/are genuinely happy for her, supportive of her decision and had hoped that she would find us a replacement. She had previously placed nannies as part of her career and we had every confidence in her abilities.

Angel brought us ONE candidate that seemed like the perfect match, but in the end decided to devote more time to the family she is currently with, a widower and his two daughters. We can’t really blame her for that… they need her more than we do.

It was an interesting interview though. It turns out that she recently discovered that she can’t have children and broke down in tears while we were talking. My heart goes out to anyone that is unable to have children of their own and something inside me knew that she would be perfect with Lucas. This outward display of emotion and honest disclosure was refreshing.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be…

It was shortly there after that Angel decided “it would be best if I hand over nanny search responsibilities to you. I still have a lot of packing to do and want to make sure that I get it done on time.” Um, are you kidding me? With only days until you are leaving, you drop this all on us? Great! Angel, I know you read this and I’m sorry, but that was super crummy and very disappointing.

Okay, never one to back away from a challenge, I immediately signed up for Sittercity.com on the recommendation of several friends and instantly had an In Box full of applications. Girls that clearly can’t read or comprehend the words LONG TERM AVAILABILITY IS A MUST. We don’t want to be in this situation again in three months.

I have had ten phone interviews in four days and two face-to-face interviews and still no one very promising. Here are some highlights for your amusement:

One girl is three months pregnant and wants to bring her baby to our home with her once she delivers.
One girl currently lives in Cleveland! We live in San Diego. She is moving out here, but not until next month.
Many girls are teachers and are waiting with baited breath for a teaching job offer. PLEASE READ THE AD!
Others are students and are looking for summer-only work. AGAIN, READ THE AD!
There has also been a plethora of applications that have been downright illegible, riddled with spelling errors and incoherent sentences. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET VERY FAR WITH ME WITHOUT GOOD GRAMMAR!!

Ugh! This is so much harder than I thought. It’s like trying to find a mate, but WAY worse!!

Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me to suck it up and be a 40 hour a week Stay At Home Mom. Who needs 10 hours of “me time” anyway?

I DO and I shutter at the thought of giving up those 600 minutes up each week. Nanny Gods, please, please, please, send someone fabulous our way!! Thank you.

The best is yet to be.

This post is for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, you should play along!
This week’s word is plethora.

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Boobs

Posted on June 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

I’ve been thinking about boobs a lot lately.

I’ve been thinking about how they vary in size and shape from woman to woman and how some women go to extremes to augment, lift and smash them together.

I know nine women that have had breast implants without ever looking back (aside from one that had a horrific experience and had them removed). I’m completely envious of the way these women’s boobs look. They are always so perky and look fantastic in everything they wear, especially bikinis. I’m also envious that often times, they don’t even wear bras because they don’t have to.

I thought I had good boobs before I had a baby. A nice solid B+, as in the size, not the grade, but as long as I brought it up I’d give them a B+ grade too. Nowadays, they are more of C- and that’s with the helpful aid of the “right” bra (is there even such a thing?)

There are no two ways about it, boobs completely transform while you are pregnant and in the year that follows. I’m amazed that their sole purpose (aside from looking fabulous in a push up bra under a little black dress) is to provide nourishment.

I have several friends working on weaning their infants off the boob right now and it makes me sad. Okay, I’m just going to say it: I tried breastfeeding and it didn’t work for me.

This is my story:

I have to admit I was on the fence about it from day one and struggled with my decision up until I purchased the Cadillac of all breast pumps (the Medela Pump In Style with shoulder bag), ample storage bags, boxes of bra pads, nursing shirts and two tubes Costco-sized tubes of lanolin cream. With all the gear, there was no turning back. Plus, I was looking forward to the connection and bonding that my son and I would have, not to mention, I had heard that you can burn an extra 500 calories a day by breastfeeding. Bonus!!

Little did I know what sort of battle I was up against. Breastfeeding hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before; from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. It was more painful to me than labor and delivery and I delivered naturally without drugs.

There’s just something so wrong about pulling your unsatisfied newborn off your breast only to find his mouth full of blood instead of milk and wanting to cry your eyes out from the pain.

We had lactation specialists visit us in the hospital and at home, took pictures of the pillow arrangements and bought nipple shields, which helped a little bit, but when my milk wasn’t coming in and I couldn’t relax and began panicking because my little tiny baby was screaming out of hunger, I resorted to pumping only. I only produced two to three ounces a day and that only lasted two months and then I, of course completely. dried. up.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), Lucas was dehydrated when he was born and took longer than the standard week to return to his birth weight, so the nurses at the hospital told us we would have to supplement with formula. Dad was feeding the synthetic stuff to our son this through a syringe while my sister was pressing on my breasts to help encourage the milk to come in and I was busy trying to relax and hold my baby in the most optimal position. As you can imagine, it wasn’t a pretty picture.

I know of all the advantages of breastfed babies and I wanted them for Lucas. I thought I would have a gullet of milk gushing out of my boobs. I wanted my boobs to do what they were designed for, but instead they let me down and to this day I still feel extremely guilty that Lucas didn’t get breast milk longer. I really did try and I had a lot of support around me, it just wasn’t meant to be in the end.

Whether they work or not, back to boobs…and bras.

I feel like I am forever on the search for the perfect fitting, just enough lift, maximum comfort providing bra, especially now that mine have changed so much since giving birth. I think it’s time for this momma to head back to Nordstrom for an “intimate” fitting.

I have had pretty good luck with the Victoria Secret Body by Victoria line, but would love to know what everyone else likes. What’s your favorite everyday bra? Sports bra? Nursing bra (provided I ever give that another whirl)? Push up? T-shirt?

The best is yet to be.

This post is for the new word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog). I love words and wish I had a better vocabulary. I like the way words sound and feel sometimes rolling off my tongue. I especially enjoy words that I have to look up their meanings to. Having said all of that, you may see this button on my blog from time to time:

If you like words too, you should play along!
This week’s word is gullet.

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Storytelling

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