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A Woman I Didn’t Know

Posted on April 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

I had a good mother but she and I did not have the type of relationship that I would have liked. We didn’t share intimate secrets or inside jokes. She wasn’t the first person I would think of to call when I had a dilemma. I loved her dearly but I didn’t know her at all.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to admit that my mother and I were not close, especially since she has been gone for over three years.

My mother was a sweet and giving person. She taught kindergarten or third grade my whole life. She loved to celebrate each and every holiday with gusto. She sent heartfelt greeting cards and made the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet. Her motto was a cliche that I grew to hate: c’est la vie because it became her “go to” response to EVERYTHING.

My mother was a very intelligent woman and I can recall hearing my father comment many times on her high IQ, but she didn’t talk very much.

I don’t think she knew how to express herself.

Until I realized that, she seemed disinterested, oblivious and even intimated by me. I know she must have had a lot of opinions, but she didn’t share them, even after much probing.

There were nightly conversations in our home on a variety of topics ranging from entertainment and politics to current events and religion and it was always my father, sister and me having the discussions, while my mother sat quietly on the sidelines not contributing a word.

Was it our fault?

Did we not include her enough?

Did she think she couldn’t relate?

Did she feel as though her opinion didn’t matter to us?

It did. Very much.

She appeared to be listening and taking it all in, but there was zero exchange.

I was once at a job for more than two years before she ever asked me what it was that I did.

I can accept the things my mother was, but to this day I cannot accept the things that she was not.

I wish we had both tried harder.

If my mother blogged or even kept a hand written diary when I was Lucas’ age, I feel like I would have been privy to a woman I don’t feel like I knew. I would have learned of her inner most thoughts and feelings on motherhood, dreams for me and herself. I would be able to read about her passions, joys, sorrows, strengths and weaknesses and love for me.

I would have very much appreciate, benefited from and cherished a Letters For Tonya blog.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) If my Mom were a blogger…

Hot Stuff

Posted on April 13, 2011 Written by Tonya

I thought I was hot stuff the minute I earned my first pay check.

I spent half a summer telemarketing and I hated every second of it, but the pay check at the end of each week was awesome. It made me believe that I didn’t need anyone or anything to make it in the world. School schmool. As long as I could make money, I would be alright. At 17, that’s what I thought it was all about.

The problem was I actually enjoyed school and I believed what my parents were telling me: I could make a lot more money if I had an education. Win-win!

I thought I was hot stuff the moment I graduated from high school.

I thought the friends I had then, I’d be friends with forever. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and was completely full of myself. In reality, I didn’t have a clue in my head who I was or what my place in the world would be.

Luckily there was college… the epitome of hot suff!

I partied my ass off, attended class most days (as long as they didn’t interfere with my soaps), changed my major four times, held a part time job and thought I was learning everything I’d ever need to know about the world around me.

Now that I had a degree under my belt, I quickly found out I was more lost than ever.

No longer having school to fall back on, it was time to get a real job… a career.

I accepted the first $22,000/year job offered to me and felt very much like an adult. I was making decisions left and right about my life; how to spend my time, money and energy, I was paying rent and choosing where to shop, vacation and whether to call it a night or have another drink, knowing full well that I’d be hung over in the morning as I sat in a mandatory meeting.

But by golly, finally I was an adult!

Or so I thought.

I gained years, perspective and experience, but it wasn’t until almost 12 years later, when I had my son that I truly felt like a grown up.

It wasn’t until I was responsible for another person’s health, safety, well being and comfort, that I felt grown up.

It wasn’t until I loved to my heart’s fullest capacity that I grew up.

I can go from zero to irate in less than 38 seconds so while I may still be working on my maturity level, I am definitely a grown up now and my son thinks I’m hot stuff!

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 1.) The moment I realized I was a grown up, inspired by…(drum roll, please) yours truly! Thanks, Kat. 🙂

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For Sure

Posted on March 30, 2011 Written by Tonya

Not too long ago, inspired by Oprah’s final thoughts in O magazine, I came up with a list of 13 Things I Know For Sure and after seeing Mama Kat’s writing prompts for this week, I had to revisit, revamp and re-share my list with some edits and seven addendum’s.

I haven’t been on this planet that long, but certainly long enough to learn a few things about myself, my habits, my body, the products I use, the company I keep and my pastimes, that I am now willing to put in black-and-white:

1) Bangs only look cute on Heidi Klum and always seem like a good idea at the time, but will take forever to grow out and look terrible on my face.

2) No matter how great my intentions are, fresh produce will go bad before I know it. Buy as you need, no more, no less.

3) I might as well get $100 out of the ATM, I know I’ll spend it and it will save me the time and embarrassment at Subway.

4) The hotter the shower, the drier my skin.

5) I should have started using eye cream at age 20 instead of age 30.

6) Generic brand Q-tips suck!

7) If it’s already 9:00, do not start a movie, I will fall asleep. The exception to this is when my husband is out of town and then for some god forsaken reason, I can stay up until after midnight.

8) Send thank you notes immediately! Having to start with, “I’m sorry this is so late…” is no way to thank someone.

9) A watched pot never boils, a phone doesn’t ring, nor an ‘In Box’ fill.

10) I will never be known for my dinner parties, but maybe my unique handwriting.

11) There is such a thing as karma and I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around and it can show up in many different forms; parking spots, waits in line, transferring sleeping children from car seats to cribs and simply being at the right place at the right time.

12) Chances are I will probably never breathe the same air as Dave Matthews, but a girl can dream, can’t she? *Swoon*

13) As much as people may think, it really doesn’t take a lot to make me happy; a bowl of popcorn, a fountain drink (or these days a Hansen’s diet soda), an hour on the treadmill or in a book store, a full tank of gas, showing up on time.

14) I believe in the power of positive thinking, girl time, dancing a bad mood away and a good cry.

15) Pottery Barn Kids furniture is lust worthy only when pictured in the catalog, once you get it into your home, it’s crap!

16) Everyone should call their parents more.

17) “This too shall pass” may be cliche and super annoying, but it’s true.

18) It’s time to accept the fact that every time I make plans with you-know-who, she will either: flake, be late, change them at the last minute, or postpone to the point where I want to give up on the friendship all together.

19) Motherhood is the toughest and most rewarding job I have ever had.

20) It’s okay to ask for help, forgiveness and a rain check (as long as you’re not already 15 minutes late).

What do you know for sure?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 3.) What I know for sure.

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School Days

Posted on March 29, 2011 Written by Tonya

From 1976-1979, my parents taught on an Indian reservation in Sells, Arizona. My mother taught kindergarten and my father, high school U.S. history.

For reasons I’m unclear of, I attended a Catholic school in a different district for kindergarten and first grade, almost nine miles away in Topawa. My family isn’t Catholic.

The scent of Play-Doh and Coppertone, riding my Big Wheel up and down the sidewalk in front of our house, skinned knees, playing house, watching the Donnie and Marie Show, too much sugar cereal and wishing I was older all remind me of my childhood, but it’s six very distinctive events that stand out when I think back to being four and five years old and my first school days:

1. I got to ride the school bus all by myself for what I now know was only 20 minutes, but back then felt like 90. How grown up I felt. It was frightening too, especially the time that I missed my stop and a policeman escorted the bus to pull over so that I get off after multiple radio calls were made regarding my whereabouts. I knew full well that the light haired, light eyed little girl they were talking about was me.

2. I stapled my finger to see what it would feel like and I quickly learned that it hurt like hell as I stood there bleeding my ruby red blood all over Miss Mills’ desk with big crocodile tears streaming down my face. I’ve never done that again!

3. Catholic nuns can be both vicious and the most endearing women on the planet.

4. Case and point: Once Sister Trecel made me eat a banana at lunch even though I told her that it would make me sick. When I threw up all over her and her starch black and white habit, she sent me home with a note of apology to my parents pinned to my shirt.

5. Naps… need I say more? Actually, it is not the naps that I recall so much as the uncomfortable green army cots and the giant pools of drool that I remember most of all. Not mine, mind you. I also remember laying there for what seemed like forever listening to my class mates snore. I still can’t nap.

6. When Miss Mills asked us to draw a picture of our family, I drew my mother, father, myself and my baby sister. Miss Mills called my mother that evening to congratulate her on our family’s new addition. My sister, Leah wouldn’t be born for another eight years. Gulp! Thinking back on this family portrait always reminds me how much I longed for a sibling.

Two big years of my young life as defined by six small events that stand out very clearly in my adult head.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, RemembeRED. This week’s prompt was to remember kindergarten.

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Pure Bliss

Posted on March 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’m coming waltzing back and moving into your head – Dave Matthews

I have almost 6500 songs on my iPod. That’s 17 days of music!

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to the radio and when I was a little girl, into my brush handle in front of the mirror in my bedroom.

In elementary and high school I participated in choir.

I’ve always had the largest music collection of all my friends and I still own vinyl and cassette tapes.

I love music and have a very eclectic taste. I’ll listen to just about anything.

Music has always been a very big part of my life and the soundtrack of so many of my memories.

I have feel good songs to help lift me up when I’m feeling down:

Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z

She Moves In Her Own Way by The Kooks

I have melancholy songs to make me sad when I need a good cry:

Pictures Of You by The Cure

You Will Make It by Jem

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

I have songs to pump me up when I need a little extra burst of energy at the gym:

Rump Shaker by Wreckx-N-Effect

Starry Eyed Surprise – Paul Oakenfeld

I created a special play list called Wine & Conversation that we typically play when entertaining. It is comprised of tunes by artists such as: Harry Connick, Jr., Patsy Cline, Ella Fitzgerald, Bob Marley, Blue October, Sade, Feist and Jason Mraz and it helps me relax, unwind and always puts an easy smile upon my face.

I have songs that remind me of important events in my life:

Fade Into You by Mazzy Starr was playing when I got into my first car accident.

Drive by The Cars was playing the first time I slow danced with a boy.

Unforgettable by Natalie Cole was the song my father and I danced to at my wedding.

I have songs that remind me of important people in my life:

Just Like Heaven by The Cure takes me back to my college days and dancing with my roommate, Erin at frat parties and then a little later in life when we became struggling to make ends meet career women.

The moment I hear Melt With You by Modern English I instantly think of my best friend, Colleen and how much she loves this song. I swear she pees a little every time she hears it, it makes her that happy.

My father loved Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears and now I do too. I can always picture him swaying his hips and closing his eyes as he tried to sing along.

To pick just ONE song with significance would be down right impossible, however, there is just one song that I have played more than any other, one song’s lyrics that I carry around with me in my wallet because along with the music, this song to me is pure bliss.

Almost seven minutes long, the music starts off slow, speeds up, then slows again and doesn’t let go of me until the very last note. Acoustic guitar, bass, sax, violin, trumpet and drums all working together in perfect harmony.

The accompanying voice is powerful, sexy and strong and the lyrics, bittersweet.

Experiencing this song live is one of the most magical events of my life and I have been fortunate to witness it several times.

The song I’m referring to is #41 by the Dave Matthews Band.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 5) A song with significance.

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Long Live The 80’s!

Posted on February 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

My fabulous friend, Colleen turned 40 on Saturday and threw herself an 80’s-style prom party. It was an absolute blast!!

Everyone dressed up! There was lots of neon, lace, big bows, arms full of bracelets, skinny ties, flipped up collars, leg warmers and pearls. Even the 80’s cover band, that provided enough dance music to last a lifetime, Orange County’s own, Tijuana Dogs got into the spirit.

All of my girlfriends and I have been fretting about our “prom” attire for months and it turned out for many, Ebay was the way to go. Who knew?

I, on the other hand, being the pack rat that I am still have my ACTUAL Jessica McClintock prom dress! With a little alteration to the bust line, I wore it! Crazy, huh?! I couldn’t believe it still fit either. Or that I even kept it!

I tried to mimic my 80’s hair style: big and curly and make-up: blue eyeliner and mascara. Although naturally curly, my hair doesn’t quite take a curl like it used to. Even with half a canister of mousse.

The cast of characters may have changed, hopefully we are all a little wiser. There were way more beer bellies, wedding rings and crow’s feet this time around, but the music is still the same, my friends make the world a better place and I found myself wishing the party would last All Night Long, just like I did at my high school Senior prom.

THENMy prom date was my boyfriend at the time. He had just given me the watch I’m wearing as a graduation present. Lovely gift, but looks so out of place now.

NOW

Colleen and I and our rad dates.

The birthday girl and Matt, the Tijuana Dogs lead singer.

Does this pose look familiar?

Feels just like 1988!

The totally awesome birthday cake!

I must admit, I had WAY more fun at this prom than at my own back in ’91. Maybe it was the alcohol or the music, the company or the pure nostalgia of it all, but everyone had a permanent grin on their face the entire night and my legs still hurt from dancing!

One of the best parts of the whole evening was being dropped off by Todd’s mother, who was in town visiting us for the weekend.

She waited up for us too!

This post was originally for Wordful Wednesdays and if you want to link up or see some really beautiful photographs, please visit Alicia at A Beautiful Mess and see how she effortlessly turns ordinary photos into a works of art.

This post was reposted for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 4.) My prom dress.

Hopes, Dreams & Wishes – Redux

Posted on February 17, 2011 Written by Tonya

I wrote this piece last year when I had all of three followers and I immediately thought of it when I read this week’s Red Writing Hood’s writing prompt: Write a piece about finding a forgotten item of clothing in the back of a drawer or closet. Let us know how the item was found, what it is, and why it’s so meaningful to you or your character.

With some editing, here is Hope, Dreams & Wishes:

Long before I ever thought I’d have children and certainly long before I had Lucas, I bought this little sweater. I found it at Old Navy, of all places. It was originally $16.50 and had been marked down to $3.99. The tag is still on it.

From the moment I saw it, I thought it was precious.

Navy blue is my favorite color and I loved the adorable red heart with the arrow going through it and something came over me and I just had to have it. I remember thinking at the time while standing in the check out line, I’m nowhere near ready to have children, why on earth am I buying this?!? I don’t even have a boyfriend.

It took me a while to realize that this tiny little sweater represented something stupendous and wonderful. Something bigger than myself. Something that was yet to be. It represented where my life was going to be someday. Where my life, if I was lucky enough, was heading…

True love, romance, marriage, children, cuddles, giggles, and a lifetime of memorable firsts and happy moments.

A childhood, not unlike my own.

The sweater stayed safely wrapped in tissue paper in the bottom of my pajama drawer for years, but each February when Valentine’s Day rolls around, I remember the sweater.

Just last week, ironically the week before Valentine’s Day, I was organizing Lucas’ closet and I came across this tiny sweater. I was about to add it to the donation pile until I realized what it was.

Maybe someday we’ll have a little sister for Lucas, as the sweater is far too feminine for him to wear and at size 3-6 months, far too small for him anyway.

I gingerly put the sweater back on the hanger, returned it to the closet and there it will stay as a peaceful reminder that so many of my hopes, dreams and wishes have already come true.

Click here to read the original piece posted February 12, 2010: Hopes, Dreams & Wishes.

The Calm Before The Storm

Posted on February 16, 2011 Written by Tonya

Two weeks after my parents died in October 2007, after the dust had settled bit, the shock wore off some and the memorial service had been held, I returned to my job as a marketing manager for a trade publication.

It was what I had to do.

I needed to escape the sadness of my family, my home and the pressure of handling my parents estate. I wanted to use my brain on something I knew I was good at and be somewhere where I didn’t have to think about death or deal with my grief. I thought that getting back to my “regular” routine would help.

I was on auto pilot.

Almost a year later, in August 2008, I decided I needed to step away from my job and decompress from the roller coaster ride of emotions and tasks that I had at hand and just be with myself and my thoughts.

There was still a lot of work to be done; an estate to close and several trips to the house my sister I had inherited in Arizona. I also wanted to reconnect with family and start thinking about starting one of my own.

My husband, Todd was very supportive of my decision but I remember the day I gave my one month notice he said, your last day there, is going to be your last day there and the very next day, we are going to go on a trip. He was planning to take a week off work so we could do this, so we began plotting our adventure.

We could go anywhere!

We have both been all over the world… Europe, Africa, Asia. But this time, we decided to stay closer to home and planned a very different type of trip for us, a vacation that ended up being one of the best ones we have ever had together.

It was a road trip comprised of 1200 miles and three states.

We woke up when we woke up and got on the road that Saturday morning and drove; we had hotel reservations, but no agenda, no time line, just a navigation system.

First, we went to Las Vegas, the perfect place to get away from it all, let our hair down and have fun. We stayed at the beautiful Palazzo hotel, sipped cocktails as we lounged by the magnificent pool, saw LOVE, the Cirque du Soleil show and had a great time gambling, eating and drinking too much.Next, we headed to the Grand Canyon, a place even with all of my ties to Arizona, neither of us had ever seen before. It’s breathtaking and should be on everyone’s “Bucket List”.

We saw the Hoover Dam, ate at fun, eclectic diners along the route, visited the boarding school where I graduated from high school, on a whim, spent a night in beautiful, mystic Sedona and stayed a night with my sister in Phoenix.We ended up seeing more of our own state by ending our trip in Palm Springs, where the only thing we had to do was show up for a massage appointment.We covered a lot of miles, but we broke it up so that it wasn’t boring or monotonous and we talked. A lot. We talked about how different our lives were going to be with me not working anymore and what I hoped to accomplish with my time off.

We relished the sights and sounds of the highway and listened to a couple of books on tape and a ton of Dave Matthews. We played Rumi Cube in dive bars in the middle of the day and simply enjoyed being together.

That trip? It was sort of the calm before the storm and I mean that in the nicest of ways. I loved every minute of it.

A month after we returned home, we found out we were pregnant with Lucas. 🙂

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 1.) A vacation to remember.

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13 Things I Know For Sure

Posted on February 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

I haven’t been on this planet that long, but certainly long enough to learn a few things about myself, my habits, my body, the products I purchase and my pastimes, that I am now willing to put in black-and-white:

1) Bangs only look cute on Heidi Klum and always seem like a good idea at the time, but will take forever to grow out and look terrible on my face.

2) No matter how great my intentions are, fresh produce will go bad before I know it. Buy as you need, no more, no less.

3) I might as well get $100 out of the ATM, I know I’ll spend it and it will save me the time and embarrassment at Subway.

4) The hotter the shower, the drier my skin.

5) I should have started using eye cream at 20 instead of 30.

6) Generic brand Q-tips suck!

7) If it’s already 9:00, do not start a movie, I will fall asleep. The exception to this is when my husband is out of town and then for some god forsaken reason, I can stay up until after midnight.

8) Send thank you notes immediately! Having to start with, “I’m sorry this is so late…” is no way to thank someone.

9) A watched pot never boils, a phone doesn’t ring, nor an ‘In Box’ fill.

10) I will never be known for my dinner parties, but maybe my unique handwriting.

12) Chances are I will probably never breathe the same air as Dave Matthews, but a girl can dream, can’t she? *Swoon*

13) As much as people may think, it really doesn’t take a lot to make me happy; a bowl of popcorn, a fountain drink, an hour on the treadmill or in a book store, a full tank of gas, showing up on time.

What do you know for sure?

Please take a moment to visit The Purse Blogger today. Laura has selected me as her Favorite Lady of the Week. Thanks, Laura, I’m honored!

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It’s All In The Application

Posted on February 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

My mother wore very little make-up and everything I learned about it, I learned from her. In other words, I never learned much more than; a little blush, a little mascara, a little lipstick. Done. She made it look effortless, flawless and easy. It really is anything but.

I didn’t have an older sister or friends with older sisters that were willing to use my face as a guinea pig.

I got my first Maybelline* eye shadow and blush kit when I was in the 7th grade and while I loved the idea of wearing make-up and I coveted my make-up bag, I think I only used it once or twice. I had no clue what I was doing. I would looking like a circus clown, so I gave up.

I don’t know what my friends and I were doing that we didn’t sit around practicing the fine art of make-up application. I suppose we were too busy lip-synching to Wham and Duran Duran.

I really wish I knew how to apply make-up.

I love the way in can transform a face, especially one that has become a mother and is tired, worried and growing older by the minute.

I love it when my friend Nancy offers to do my make-up for a special occasion. She was kind enough to do my make-up for my wedding and has dolled me up for Vegas many times over the years.

I don’t even own any eyeliners or eye shadows.

I wear the absolute bare minimal. Because that’s all I can handle.

My entire make-up routine takes a total of 6 minutes, if that. And trust me when I tell you that without these items, I look dead:Still loyal to Maybelline Great Lash mascara, I have expanded my make-up collection to include a lot of Bare Escentuals* products. If you haven’t jumped on the mineral make-up band wagon yet, I highly suggest it. Talk about transforming your face; it’s fantastic stuff. Plus, the starter kit and DVD with explicit step-by-by instructions was perfect for a make-up novice like me. 🙂

How did you learn to apply make-up? What are your favorite products?

*This post was no way endorsed by Maybelline or Bare Escentuals. Sadly.

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A Woman I Didn’t Know

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Hot Stuff

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School Days

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Pure Bliss

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Long Live The 80’s!

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Hopes, Dreams & Wishes – Redux

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The Calm Before The Storm

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It’s All In The Application

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