SAHM

One Week

Posted on August 25, 2015 Written by Tonya

For several minutes, I could hear the steady bounce of the springs on the trampoline. I could him karate chopping the air and yelling “Hi-Ya!” as well as other combative nonsense.

Then suddenly I heard nothing.

Until…

“Mom, mom!! Come out here, I want to show you something!”

Expecting to see a strange insect or the dog doing something grotesque, this is what I found instead:

“I’m bored!” – Lucas, 6 – August 25, 2015

“Mom, are you here? Do you like it? It’s called, I’m bored.”

Needless to say, we have reached the point of summer when I am about to pull my hair out, otherwise known as, it’s time to send someone back to school!

The first half of our summer was very scheduled with five weeks of camps; skateboard, baseball, science, nature center and reading and throughout the 84-day (who’s counting?) break there have been lots of fun outings, a couple of mini staycations, two dozen play dates, three almost completed activity books, arts and crafts, tons of swimming and beach days and some good quality family time. With just one week to go before the 2015-16 school year starts, I’ve run out of ideas.

I love hanging out with my soon to be first grader, but like me, Lucas does better with structure and his recent acting out only proves to me that children want to be doing something. I have tried my best to keep him occupied, entertained and busy but most of my latest suggestions just sound “boring” to him. Guess what doesn’t sound boring? Playing with the iPad! Yeah, he’s had some marathon runs with that thing the last couple of days and I’ve learned more than I ever hoped to about Dragon City and Minecraft. His pathetic pleads for “10 more minutes” are getting the best of me.

I’m tired of hearing him complain about how there is nothing to do and think the only solution left is to GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!

One week.

I can do it.

And so can he!

Have your children gone back to school? How did you ~~celebrate~~ get through the last grueling week?

No Longer A Rookie

Posted on May 21, 2015 Written by Tonya

Having battled unexplained secondary infertility for over three years, I know it is completely irresponsible to say this, but anyone who has one child, really should have two.

Not only is a sibling great for teaching communication skills and learning how to share, but it also creates a built-in lifelong friendship and promotes the value of teamwork. I honestly can’t wait until my youngest, Lola is old enough to work together with her brother, Lucas to go head to head with me and my husband. I want them to plan and scheme and support one another always.

Apart from all the sibling benefits, having a second child has made me a better mother to my first.

With four-and-a-half-years between them, I am such a different, more relaxed mother to Lola than I ever was to Lucas.

With Lucas, I was such a rookie! I was anxious and worried most of the time. I tried to stick to a “schedule” as much as I could, consulted charts, tracked development and marked milestones, called his pediatrician A LOT and made sure he ate an all organic diet until he was two years old and there was never dessert. I hovered far too much. Because that’s what you do with your first. I didn’t know any different. I was going crazy trying to be a “good mom”.

With Lola, I’m WAY more at ease. I didn’t have that sense of calm with my first. I give her a lot more freedom and I know that she’s okay. In large part, my comfort is due to the four-and-a-half-years of experience I gained from Lucas. Where I was unsure the first time around, I am loving this confident mom I am becoming. And that ease has transferred to the way I am with Lucas. I’m not as rigid with him as I used to be.

I still have anxiety and worries but knowing ~~sort of~~ what to expect is so comforting, especially in these early stages. Lola is only 15 months old.

Lucas was my whole world for so long and received a lot of undivided attention before his little sister was born and I was fearful that Lola wouldn’t benefit from that, but because of the age gap, Lucas is in school five days a week for 5+ hours per day and has activities beyond that leaving Lola and I lots of bonding time. Sometimes Lucas is actually the one to get the shaft now that Lola is so young and still depends on me for all of her needs. That makes me sad, but I know it won’t also be this way. She’s growing more independent every day.

Even though my children are different from one another and I try to keep the comparisons at bay, I know that there are many obstacles ahead of us and mothering traits I haven’t even begun to tap into, I’m just happy not to be a rookie mom anymore. I’m happy to have found some self-assurance and I can only hope that both my children are benefiting from it!

Of course, ask me tomorrow and I’ll probably be pulling my hair out feeling anything but confident.

The Waves Of Motherhood

Posted on March 17, 2015 Written by Tonya

One moment calm and quiet.

Still and serene.

The next vicious and cold.

Loud and puzzling.

We crash into one another like angry waves.

It is powerful, vast and engulfing, completely out of my control.

It can hurt, leave scars and feel like being hit by a Mack truck.

It pushes and pulls and we are tangled up in seaweed, gasping for air.

September, 2014 – La Jolla, California. Lola is 8 months old.

Then suddenly it is peaceful again.

Warm and inviting.

Effortlessly and harmoniously we float side by side.

We each breathe a sigh of relief and prepare for the next wave.

Motherhood is like the waves of the ocean, complicated and challenging but always beautiful and worth riding every wave.

Being Busy

Posted on November 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

Before I even got out of bed the other morning, I reached for my phone and cancelled lunch plans, a gym date, movie and dinner with a friend and a doctor’s appointment. I also decided I wasn’t going to pick up the dry cleaning, go to the super market, touch a stitch of laundry or buy the three birthday presents we need for parties this weekend.

I just didn’t feel like running all over town.

I didn’t want any of those obligations.

I needed a day of calm.

When I announced my cancellations to my husband, he asked if I was feeling okay.

I love being busy. I think it’s how I operate best. Under pressure, with To Do list in hand, scurrying from here to there, seeking tasks and accomplishments, fitting everyone and everything in.

My family and I are extraordinarily busy and always on the go, but we juggle our multiple stresses with ease (some days more so than others).

“I’m so busy” is a phrase I hear and use too often and I worry… am I glorifying busy?

There’s no medal for the busiest person and it has taken me a long time to realize that my time is valuable and it is okay to say no. I don’t have to be the first one to RSVP yes to an event or volunteer for something I really don’t want to do. And it’s okay to cancel plans.

Even if it’s the day of.

No is a powerful word when you are trying to tame the habit of being busy all the time.

Down time is SO underrated, especially once you have children and having a little free time isn’t a bad thing.

Instead of all the things I had planned to do that day, I took Lola for a long walk, we spent some time at a park and then picked up Lucas from school. The three of us shared an afternoon snack of crackers and cheese and then rushed off to his karate lesson.

We were late.

For me, for you, for everyone:

Under A Shady Tree

Posted on July 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

I had just completed my morning walk and as usual was anxious to move on to daily errands and checking items off my “to do” list, but something stopped me from unbuckling Lola from her stroller and buckling her into her car seat.

A shady tree.

It almost beckoned me, dared me to do something that was not on the agenda.

Come, stop, sit for a while.

There is nothing else you need to do right now.

Be here.

Carefully lifting Lola out of her stroller, I left it by the car, walked not even 5 feet, fanned out a blanket under the calm of the tree and sat down.

We practiced sitting and I sang You Are My Sunshine and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

We listened to the birds chirping and cars driving past, airplanes overhead and greeted anyone who walked by.

Lola grabbed at the grass with her tiny fingers and gasped and smiled with the wind.

Soon she had rolled almost entirely off the blanket and was gazing up at the leaves in the tree and “talking” quietly to herself. She was mesmerized, as was I.

As I stared in awe at my precious little girl, I thought I want to remember this. This moment.

She’s only going to be this small for a finite amount of time. I’m so glad we did this, thank you tree.

Duty will always call but taking time to savor and drink up these special moments is vital to my existence.

The Story Behind The Post

Posted on June 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really into social media, I have a Facebook account, I tweet, share photos on Instagram and spend an exorbitant amount of time on Pinterest. I’m active and post a lot.

Two weeks ago, I was trying to get dressed, pack for a weekend out of town, and get to Lucas’s preschool by noon to pick him up early. Lola wasn’t interested in letting me do any of those things. You know how four-month olds can be. She wasn’t fussy and didn’t need anything in particular, she just seemed… bored.

After having fed her, changed her and played with her for a while, I laid her on my bed with her favorite gauzy blanket and a soft book that she enjoys chewing and as I stepped into the shower and looked over at her, I noticed that she was on her belly with an erect head watching the Today Show. I snapped a photo. I added a filter to the photo and instantly fell in love with it. I love the contrast of dark vs. light on our bed spread, I love that the TV is out of view but the remote is plainly in sight and I love how tiny she looks on our gigantic bed.

I posted this photo and status to Facebook:

At dinner the following evening, my husband, an inactive Facebook user, admitted to not having read any of the comments left on the photo, had this to say to me: “I didn’t like the careless nature of your recent Facebook post.” He wasn’t trying to start an argument and went on to explain that he knew what I was going through that morning and we’ve all been there, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, but doesn’t see the “need to be proud of our bad choices.” In other words, only share the good stuff.

Huh?

First I was surprised that he’d even seen it and secondly I felt attacked by his comments and was quick to justify my decision both about why I posted the photo and my comment and my parenting skills. I wasn’t trying to be defiant or controversial and I certainly wasn’t looking for approval for my actions nor a discussion about what age children should be allowed to watch television, I know our daughter is too young. Plus, I’m only human and very flawed and I can share that and be okay with it.

After we went back and forth a bit and I was able to step down off my high horse, we had a very interesting discussion about social media and I’m still thinking about it two weeks later, in particular: why do we post what we post? Or more importantly, why do I post what I post?

I post because I’m crazy lucky, think my children are darling, I’m very proud of them, love the funny and insightful things Lucas says and believe others will too, feel like every now and then I take a half decent photo (like the one above) and I like to keep family and friends near and far up to date on my little family and our lives.

Sometimes, I’ll post something simply for that “me too” factor, which was definitely the case here because I knew other moms would identify. I love it when people empathize, sympathize, agree or disagree or teach me a different perspective.

I’m not special, just a stay-at-home mom doing the best I can, trying to balance two kids, find time for myself, my marriage and family and friends. I love to travel, read, exercise and dine out. Preferably with wine and interesting company. I believe my posts reflect all of the above.

I’ll never bitch about my kids or that summer is too long or count down the days until they go back to school or that they are driving me bat shit crazy, but you better believe they do. I don’t like downer posts or complaining, but I’m not above it. I’ll throw myself under the bus. I hate vaguebooking (an intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help) and I will never push my politics or religion! Ever. I like posts to be light, funny and cute. I also don’t post things to get “likes” or “shares”, but they are certainly nice.

I post for me.

I might think twice now before posting something because of my husband’s comments, but I doubt it. Our conversation did make me think about the image I want to present to the world and I’m okay showing both the good and the bad. And although we might disagree with the nature of my status updates and/or photos I choose to share, we agree on one thing: we are proud of this life from any angle.

If you are active on social media, why do you post what you do? Do you think through the ramifications if any before posting something?

Let Her Sleep…

Posted on April 24, 2014 Written by Tonya

Before Lola was born, Wednesday was one of my favorite days because it’s the only day Lucas doesn’t go to school and it was just us. Since Lola’s arrival, Wednesdays are tough, especially for her.

Poor girl is in and out of the car for big brother’s swim lessons, in and out of the car for his My Gym class; there’s lots of waiting around while he gets to have all the fun, she has her diapers changed in public restrooms, feedings on the go and put up with general chaos. I take her out of her car seat and she loves to watch him and everything else going on around us, but it’s not familiar surroundings and she fusses a lot.

Yesterday I made time for us to be home in middle of all of our Wednesday activities for a little while. Lucas played with Lego quietly and I did a few things around the house. Lola enjoyed scooting around (not quite able to roll over) on the guest bed cooing as happy as can be. I hung out with her for a while and then left for a few moments and returned to the most magical sight:

I don’t seek these moments out but when they find me, they take my breath away. After soaking it in I grabbed my camera.

I could not love this little girl more.

Spring Break: Day 1

Posted on April 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

We left the house at 8:30 for an 8:45 pediatrician appointment and didn’t plan to return until close to 4:00. I had gotten up before both kids so I could take a shower, prepare breakfast and pack our bag for the day. I had thought of everything; I was wearing sensible shoes and excited that Lucas had decided to go the aquarium in between appointments (he and I had dentist appointments after lunch). It was the first day of his Spring Break!

We were ready to go and I was a diaper bag packer extraordinaire!

Shot records for both kids
A change of clothes for Lola, sweatshirt for Lucas
Socks
Lucas’s favorite cereal bars and fruit chews
Wet Ones and hand sanitizer
Wipes
Changing pad
Bottles with measured power for two feedings plus back up packets of formula, just in case
Nipples with covers
Burp cloths
Bottled water
Extra blanket
Hats
Sunscreen
Sunglasses
Crayons
Notepad
Cash and checkbook
Fully charged phone and car charger
Keys

It wasn’t until lunch time that I realized I had no diapers. Not a one! I couldn’t have left the house without diapers, could I?! What kind of mother am I? Plus, hadn’t I thought of everything? No diapers?! What?!

No, I hadn’t left the house without diapers, I just used my last ONE at the doctor’s office.

Too far from home to make it there and back out in time for our dentist appointment, we had to take a detour to a nearby grocery store and forgo going to a park. Lucas was disappointed, but understanding. He was a true champ but thoroughly enjoyed announcing (throwing me under the bus) to everyone we encountered the rest of the day by saying, “My mommy is going crazy because she forgot diapers because she was tired because she had to take care of Lola all night because Daddy is traveling”.

Oy, kids! O_o

No Guilt

Posted on March 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

After I made lunch for Lucas and got him off to school, I didn’t do anything productive. Not a damn thing.

I didn’t walk the dog.

I didn’t unload the dish washer.

I didn’t change the sheets or even make the beds.

I didn’t tackle the laundry.

I didn’t take a shower (I did brush my teeth!).

I didn’t pick up toys or other misplaced items.

I didn’t make it to the grocery store. Or dry cleaner. Or bank. Or gas station.

I didn’t return any phone calls.

I didn’t make any appointments.

There was no TV watching.

There was no reading.

There was no lunching with friends.

There was no meal planning.

There was no guilt.

It wasn’t a productive day but it was a great day!

Smiley girl – 7 weeks

Our Wednesdays

Posted on August 14, 2013 Written by Tonya

Wednesdays are our days.

Big floppy hats, sunscreen and sand between our toes.

No school.

Watching the sun set, s’mores around a bonfire and patiently waiting for fireworks to light up the night sky.

No extra curricular activities.

Ferris wheel rides, beautiful blue skies and window shopping on the Third Street Promenade.

No chores.

Practicing froggy kicks, striking a ninja pose and squealing with delight going head first down the water slide.

No worries.

Feeding carrots and grapes to rabbits and guinea pigs, panning for gold and burying ourselves in corn.

Just fun.

Making silly faces with long time friends and having second helpings of mac and cheese.

Just us.

Popcorn, fruit chews, garden snails and the Indy 500.

Our only care in the world is to make memories, smile, giggle and occasionally indulge in ice cream.

I wonder where Wednesday will take us today?

One Week

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No Longer A Rookie

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The Waves Of Motherhood

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Being Busy

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Under A Shady Tree

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Let Her Sleep…

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