Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son
Kathryn Ruppert AdamsRest In Peace.
Motherhood is NOT for the weak. It’s exhausting, frustrating, irritating, annoying and aggravating.
Between the messes, tantrums, not being able to fully communicate with one another and the unpredictable schedule,
some days I don’t know how I am going to make it through and this is just the beginning.I am the least patient person I know and parenthood is ALL about patience. It’s also about sacrifice. I don’t know really know how to explain it, other than to say: I’m selfish.
I’m selfish with my time, my space, my energy and when you become a mom, there really is no room for selfishness. None.I was raised as an only child until I was almost 12 years old and even then, once my little sister arrived we were at such different phases of our lives, that I might as well still been an only child.
I was used to getting my way, being heard, being in control and having everything “just so”. All that goes right out the window when you have a child. It’s no longer all about me.
I became a mother just in the nick of time. It was time for something really big to shake me up, wake me up and take me so far out of my comfort zone that I’d feel alive with emotion. Motherhood has turned my world upside down and leaves me asking for more. Motherhood has been the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never loved anything or anyone more in my life and as much as I fight it, I welcome the challenges and internal turmoil that it has brought my life. Now, if I could just learn to accept it.
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. – Lao TzuThe best is yet to be.
Can true fulfillment come if a woman leaves her husband to hopscotch around the world tromping on pasta, dudes and eastern meditation? In a word: yes!
I read Eat Pray Love as soon as it came out WAY back in 2006 and like most women, I gobbled it up and devoured every page. I identified with Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey and I found her story enlightening, brave and romantic.
I, too was (and still am) a thirty-something year old women, who had been divorced because I felt trapped in a going nowhere marriage and wanted to run off in search of myself and wondered if I could ever forgive and be open to love again someday. Gilbert shares her experiences so vividly and had me nodding along the whole entire way.
Whether her publisher paid her to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia and write about her journey or not, I still loved this book and gave several copies to friends as gifts because I knew they’d love it too.
I haven’t a clue where my own copy of the book disappeared too, but thankfully I did write down some key passages that spoke right to my heart:
My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: “l want a spiritual teacher.” I literally mean that it was my heart who said this, speaking through my mouth. I felt this weird division in myself, and my mind stepped out of my body for a moment, spun around to face me heart in astonishment and silently asked, “You DO?”
…traveling is the great true love of my life. I have always felt, ever since I was sixteen years old and first went to Russia with my saved-up babysitting money, that to travel is worth and cost or sacrifice. I am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as I have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves. I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible colicky, restless newborn baby–I just don’t care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it’s mine. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to – I just don’t care.
Bel far niente – the beauty of doing nothing. The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life’s achievement.
When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.
The Bhagavad Gita–the ancient Indian Yogic text–says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.
I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt–this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.
Yoga is the effort to experience one’s divinity personally and then to hold on to that experience forever. Yoga is about self-mastery and the dedicated effort to haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and your nonstop worrying about the future so that you can seek, instead, a place of eternal presence from which you may regard yourself and the true nature of the world (and yourself) to be revealed to you.
A true soul mate is probably the most important you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it….
Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well–that would be the end of the universe.
Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.
In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.
I was greatly anticipating the screen adaptation of Eat Pray Love and when I found out one of my favorite actresses was going to be the lead, I was even more excited.
I saw the movie over the weekend and it did not disappoint. Love her or hate her, Julia Roberts is larger than life and truly shines in the role of Elizabeth Gilbert, and spending a little time with Javier Bardem is always a nice treat too. The scenery is gorgeous, and if nothing else, maybe you’ll leave the theater with daydreams of taking a fantastic voyage to a distance land.
I enjoy reading about people’s self discoveries because it helps me with my own journey. I don’t believe you have to go to around the world to find yourself, for most of us, it’s not even a possibility. For real inner change to occur, I think you just need to be open to it. You have to learn to be still with yourself and be very patient. Transformation can happen at any time and any where.
You can meditate in the comfort of your own home, take a painting class, or learn a new language. Get lost in a good book, movie or bottle of wine. Talk, listen, write, feel, touch, taste and cry. Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel good about yourself and your place in this world. And never take any of this life for granted or too seriously.
I think we are all always transforming and growing into the person we wish to be.
The best is yet to be.
Three years ago, I married my partner, lover and friend.
In just three short years, we have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
A month and a half after we got married, my father-in-law underwent heart surgery for a congenital heart defect. He made it through with flying colors and today is better than ever, but this was a very emotional time for us as newlyweds.
A month later, both of my parents died of carbon monoxide poisoning while living and working as educators in Tunis, Tunisia. My husband was amazing during this, the saddest and most confusing time in my life. He took my younger sister and I under his wing and helped us plan a double funeral, a trip to Tunisia and navigated us through countless decisions regarding their estate.
During this time I could not give him what he gave me and I will forever be grateful. He listened and held me and encouraged me to do whatever I needed in order to adjust to my new “normal”.
While I walked into walls for nine months trying to keep my wits about me and a career I loved, we decided that the best thing for me to do would be to leave my job as a marketing manager to focus on my grief, settle my parents estate, spend time with family and start planning a family of our own.
With hope in our hearts, just 10 months later, we welcomed to the world our son Lucas. Our pride and joy and new reason for living.
In three years, we have made our house a home, taken wonderful trips together, cried together, laughed together, fought like cats and dogs, grown stronger as a couple and as individuals and made two three. We recently suffered a miscarriage but are slowly, but surely bouncing back stronger than ever. I can’t wait to see what our future holds.
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. – Paul SweeneyI am so lucky to have found this incredible man to go through life with. A man that makes my toes curl and my blood boil; makes me laugh, makes me think and forces me *kicking and screaming* to be the best version of myself. He is a wonderful father and a good person.
I don’t say it enough, but I appreciate everything you do for me and us and I love you. Happy Anniversary, Todd. xoxo
The best is yet to be.
I’m tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. – Madonna
I have posted about my fascination with Lady Gaga, so it only seems fitting that I give credit where credit is due and where powerful, iconic women of music began… all hail the Queen of Pop: MADONNA!
I recently watched the Glee (my new favorite show) episode, The Power of Madonna and then proceeded to listen to 90 minutes of her music while I worked out and remembered why she is so good.
I fell in love with Madonna in 1983 upon hearing the first 48 seconds of Borderline and haven’t stopped yet.
I have been lucky enough to see her in concert… twice. The last time was the night President Elect Obama was voted into office. It was a memorable night!
Say what you will about Madonna’s fashion sense and in your face, like it or not, sexual overtones, she sings about equality regardless of race, color, creed, sexual orientation or political affiliation and demands respect for the constant reinvention of herself and her music.
She encourages everyone to “express themselves” and in the process sells millions of albums shocking and awing us along the way.
If you haven’t listened to her in a while, I encourage you to dust off your Immaculate Collection CD and give it a whirl. I guarantee you’ll want to get up and dance, or at the very least smile.
Madonna’s latest project is a clothing line called “Material Girl” launching this month at Macy’s department stores. Let’s hope cone bras aren’t included!
The best is yet to be.
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. – Irish proverb
I haven’t posted in a few days. I have a lot to say, a lot is floating around this brain of mine, but the only thing on my mind is the fact that I’m not pregnant anymore. I couldn’t even get my Friday Flip Offs together, and I live for that!!
Last week went from bad to worse. I will spare you all the details, but it ended last night with a visit to the ER.
I’m on the mend, but sad.
I know it is completely normal for me to feel this way and I know it will pass, but my mind is a litany of negative thoughts and I can’t seem to shake them.
I’m trying to carry on as usual, but it’s easier said than done.
I’m trying to carry on as usual, because I have a 13 month old and he needs me as much as I need him.
Unfortunately, Lucas’ dad had to be out of town for a few days last week, so my sister was here and helped out immensely. She knows me well and is great with Lucas. I don’t know what we would have done without her.
Like most people, when trying to feel better emotionally, I turn to retail therapy, drowning my sorrows in Cabernet, pouring my heart out in my journal or blog, or watching too much bad TV, but sleep has always been my favorite way to escape.
None of it really helps, but crawling under the covers and disappearing for a while is a good place to start.
My son’s smile is another brilliant light at the end of this dark tunnel and lastly, there’s time…. time to heal, time to mourn and eventually time to try again.
Thank you for all of the support, good thoughts and virtual hugs last week and for commenting on my post Miscarried. As usual, I put myself out there in a very real and honest way and the feedback was sincere and heartfelt.
The best is yet to be.
Several months ago, I posted The Buried Life about a great show on MTV and promised that I would follow it up with my own Buried Life/Bucket List. Thanks to Mama Kat for making it a prompt this week, here it is:
1. Meet Dave Matthews (and just so there is no confusion… I’m talking about THE Dave Matthews from the Dave Matthews Band).
2. Read all of the books on my Goodreads list – as of today there are 536 titles.
3. Build my family tree and learn everything I can about where I come from.
4. Walk my sister down the aisle at her wedding.
5. Make the turkey with all the trimmings for Thanksgiving.
6. Spend a week or longer in Paris… again.
7. Go camping and sleep under the stars.
8. Be in the audience at the Oprah Winfrey show.
9. Learn how to drive a stick shift car.
10. Live to see A grandchild.
11. Take Lucas (and any subsequent children) on a safari in Africa.
12. Visit Tokyo, Japan.
13. Learn to ski.
14. Fly in a blimp.
15. Visit Martha’s Vineyard.
16. Learn how to French braid my own hair.
17. Travel First Class anywhere.
18. Ride a segway.
19. Go blond, if even for just one night.
20. Learn how to tie a tie.
21. Bowl a perfect round…strikes every single frame.
22. Have a photo that I have taken hung in a gallery and perhaps even sold!
23. Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.
24. Take Lucas (and any subsequent children) to see the Pyramids
25. Sing a solo in front of an audience.
26. Ride the roller coaster at the top of the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas.
27. Visit Cabo San Lucas…again.
28. Bungee jump.
29. Write a heartfelt letter to everyone I love telling them why they are so special to me.
30. Find my husband the PERFECT gift and since he is SO difficult to shop for, this could possibly take the rest of my life.
40. Go vegetarian for 30 days.
41. Give up my phone, computer and TV for a week (yeah, right!)
42. Visit all 50 states (so far, I’ve been to 28).
43. Learn how to apply eye make-up.
44. Get published.
45. Save someone’s life.
46. Attend the Olympic games
47. Sit court side during a Lakers playoff game.
48. Attend a Super Bowl game.
49. Run a marathon.
50. Learn more about wine.
51. Own a family dog.
52. Own a trampoline!
53. Watch a film in French without the subtitles.
54. Watch a film in Spanish without subtitles.
56. Knit something.
57. Run for office, even if it’s just the PTA.
58. Take a cruise.
59. Take a cooking class.
60. Have a re-commitment ceremony with husband.
61. Sell or donate all of my music CDs…. it’s time!
62. Plant something and watch it grow.
63. Establish a family game night.
64. Establish a family mission statement.
65. Call Dr. Laura.
66. Reach at least 100 followers on Letters For Lucas. I’m only 36 away. 🙂
67. Introduce Lucas to my ex-husband and meet his child(ren) too.
68. Milk a cow.
69. Paint a picture and hang it in my living room.
70. Break or set a world record.
71. Find my best friend from 2nd grade on Facebook.
72. Take a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.
73. Be a game show contestant…preferably Jeopardy.
74. Walk across the Great Wall of China.
75. Ride a motorcycle.
76. Participate in a community play or music group.
77. Throw a huge party for all of my friends.
78. See an active volcano.
79. Throw a surprise party for someone.
80. Appear on the cover of a magazine.
81. Help others achieve their buried lists a la the show.
82. Spend the night at the zoo.
83. Successfully assemble a piece of furniture.
84. Learn to surf.
85. Fix my front tooth; I chipped it in the 4th grade and want to have it re-bonded.
86. Organize all my photographs.
87. Put together our wedding album
88. Celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.
89. Have one wall in my house painted bright red.
90. Own a navy blue car.
91. Sell my parents house in Arizona.
92. Have my picture taken in a field of sunflowers.
93. Learn to make the perfect margarita.
94. Drive on the Autobahn
95. See a show on Broadway.
96. Take my 21 year old son out for a beer
97. Rent a convertible for a weekend and drive the entire length of the Pacific Coast Highway.
98. Breathe deeply all the days of my life and know that that’s everything is going to be okay.
99. Thank my lucky stars everyday at how blessed I am.
100. Have a healthy second and possibly third pregnancy.
What do you want to do before you die? For clarity and focus, I highly suggest you think about it, make a list and refer to it often.
The best is yet to be. 
I wrote this post for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop – Prompt #5: Write a list of 100 things you want to do before you turn 100. Otherwise known as a “bucket list”.
Happy Independence Day!
It has been a L O N G week and I have really been looking forward to Friday Flip Offs:
In no particular order:
#1 Okay, adult acne, I’ve HAD IT!! I had clearer skin when I was 15 and ate junk. Gimme a break already! What is it gonna take? How much tea tree oil can one person use? And by the way, I have seen you pop up on several other Flip Off lists lately, so you might just want to watch your back.
#2 To the birds that have all of a sudden started showing up outside our bedroom window at 2:00 in the morning, let’s just say I’m looking into shot guns. WTF?!
#3 Speaking of being rudely awaken at night, will the case of the hungries, the growing pains, teeth trying to bust their way into my son’s mouth, tempting toys and perhaps even, the monster living under the crib, just FLIP the hell OFF?! Let the child sleep, for God’s sake! More importantly let his mommy (and daddy) sleep… a full 12 hours. Thank you!
#4 No Friday Flip Off list of mine could be complete without me bitching about traffic, but this week it’s my fellow motorists, okay, cyclists to be exact and point a (middle) finger. What the hell are you thinking?! You lycra-wearing snobs aren’t above the law and you don’t always have the “right of way”. Follow the same rules as I do in my car or you’re gonna hit. It’s the law, oh and while you’re at it, FLIP OFF!!
#5 With my (gulp) 38th birthday tomorrow, I would be remiss if I didn’t give the big ole bird to AGE and growing older. I firmly do believe as Honest Abe is quoted as saying In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years, but I would swear since I had a child, I have more gray hairs and more defined crows feet than ever before. Plus, there are new aches and pains cropping up here and there and my mind is not what it used to be. This can’t all be the baby’s fault, so I have drawn my own conclusion that getting old SUCKS!
Whew, I feel so much better and it’s all in part to Gigi at Kludgy Mom for creating this awesome meme.
Happy weekend, everyone!
The best is yet to be.
Lucas has one of the very best fathers I know. Lucas is very lucky, although I think his daddy would say it’s the other way around.
In celebration of Father’s Day, here are some quotes that I think epitomizes the role of father and the relationship between a father and his children:
“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” – Anne Sexton
“It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.” – John Sinor
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain
“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby
“The kind of man who thinks that helping with the dishes is beneath him will also think that helping with the baby is beneath him, and then he certainly is not going to be a very successful father.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.” – Anonymous
“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” – Clarence Budington Kelland
“Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.” – Gloria Naylor
“Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.” – Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968
“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” – Unknown
My personal favorite:
“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” – Henry Ward Beecher
Happy Father’s Day, everyone!
The best is yet to be.
