parenting

Always Go With Your Gut

Posted on January 26, 2011 Written by Tonya

There are many mommy moments when your patience is tried, your strength tested, your heart strings pulled and you are forced to make a from your gut decision.

The scariest thing happened to me today and I am so glad that I went with my gut.

I took Lucas to San Diego to visit a friend, who just had a baby and on the car ride home, he fell fast asleep. 30 minutes into our hour long drive, he woke up and started coughing and I can only assume got scared and then started crying.

From the front seat, I reminded him that we were in the car and on our way home and asked him if he was okay. Typically he would say “yes” and then work on clearing his throat. Today, his coughing turned into choking and as I looked at him in the rear view mirror, I could tell that he was really having trouble breathing. I turned around to get a better look and he was banging his hands on his car seat and gasping for air.

I started to panic.

Here I was, going 80+ mph in the car pool lane, five lanes from the next exit, which was less than a mile away.

What’s a mother to do?

I had no choice.

My son was choking!

I went for it!

I put the hazards on, crossed the double yellow lines risking life and limb, not to mention a hefty fine, crossed five lanes of traffic like I was Mario Andretti on his best day all in an effort to help my son.

Just as I whipped into a gas station parking lot, Lucas threw up all over himself, thus clearing his air passageway. He could breathe!! I rushed around to get him and he threw up again.

After I cleaned Lucas and his car seat, changed his shirt and held him for a while, we sat there in the parking lot sharing a turkey sandwich. He was fine. It was a trying few moments for both of us and while I know I didn’t do anything that heroic, but he sure looked at me like I did.

I’m proud of myself for going with my instinct even if I did break all kinds of laws in the process.

Have you ever had to do anything potentially more dangerous than the current situation you were in, in order to help your child?

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Letting Him Be

Posted on January 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

Always one to seek validation, I have found that there isn’t a lot when it comes to motherhood.

Oh sure, I’ll get a dirty glare if Lucas is being loud at the grocery store or throwing food in a restaurant, sometimes a empathetic mom’s “I’ve been there before” look, a helping hand when I’m trying to navigate through an airport with a stroller, two bags and a toddler; I’ve had elderly men and women reach out and touch my son’s cheek and lovingly reminisce about their now adult children’s early days as infants, but rarely does anyone ever come out and comment on the job I’m doing.

Good or bad.

My husband and I took all the parenting classes before Lucas was born, (nearly 24 hours worth, he will be the first to tell you), I’ve subscribed to all the daily, weekly and monthly parenting e-newsletters, read a ton of books, ask my pediatrician a million questions and compare notes with my mommy friends, but in the end, when it comes to parenting, I just sort of wing it and hope that I’m doing something right.

So when Lucas and I hung out with my dear friend Suzy lately, the first time in a year that she has seen me with Lucas, I really appreciated her telling me how good I was with him.

This is a mother of two grown children, grandmother to four and one of the smartest, both beautiful women I know, so her opinion means the world to me.

After asking her to explain what she meant when she told me that I was “good with Lucas”, here is what she e-mailed me after our visit:

What I meant was, you were easy with him, you let him “be”. You played and seemed very relaxed. You can see that this is how you are with him, because he is so easy himself. Think about it, first time in a new place, first time with me, really — and he willingly let me kiss and hold him. I waited till he was more settled — after he relaxed some and came to feed me. But I believe that this kind of behavior is due in a big part from a very grounded mom, someone who keeps everything in perspective. You didn’t hover or try to make him perfect… you are in fact just very good with him. Parenting is such a journey, for both mommy and daddy. You seem to have set yourself on a very good course.

I love this and will refer to it often. A little validation goes a very long way. Thank you, Suzy! I love you.

I doubt I’m even conscious of it, but I do try to let Lucas “be”. He doesn’t need me hovering. He’ll get enough of that once he hits double digits.

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The Terrible Twos: A Preview?

Posted on January 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

It seems as though with 18 months came the onset of the “terrible twos”.

And the stink eye…Mean, huh?

I was not prepared for either one.

Lucas has been having melt downs pretty much since the day we brought him home. They were few and far between and we learned very quickly that he can’t be in one place for very long, needing and relishing change to his environment. But now, these melt downs are full blown temper tantrums and they can be wicked.

There are two to three a day and we have learned to minimize our interference and just let him go through it. It’s safer for everyone involved.

We have never hit Lucas. As parents we do not believe in spanking, so we never will (I have been tempted for sure, but have refrained).

But he hits.

When he’s mad or frustrated or bonks himself on the corner of a table, he hits it. He hits us. He hits himself.

It’s scary.

Where do children learn to do this? Is it a natural instinct, a protection mechanism? Is it a boy thing, or do girls do it too? When does it subside? Please tell me it subsides!

More than once recently, Lucas has been put in a Time-Out for hitting and throwing things with very little to zero effectiveness. He thinks it’s a game. We don’t want Time-Out to be a punishment necessarily, but an opportunity for him to reset himself, i.e. modify his crappy behavior.

I have read that 18 months is not too early to start this practice, but we are novices and it doesn’t seem to be going very well so far.

Today, I bought a designated Time-Out chair. Hopefully it will help him understand we mean business. Any Time-Out advice?

When did the terrible twos begin in your house and what else can we expect from them? I miss my sweet boy.

Lucas turned 19 months on Thursday. I can’t wait to see what this month will bring. Wish us luck…

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A Year & A Half

Posted on December 6, 2010 Written by Tonya

Lucas is 18 months old today and is a constant source of amazement, joy, fulfillment, love and lately, complete and utter frustration. I believe that the Terrible Twos have begun early in our home.

I thought being a mom to a newborn was tough, but toddlers are way more complicated and exhausting!!

Lucas is starting to test his boundaries and the limits placed upon him and throwing temper tantrums over the littlest things are a daily occurrence. Sometimes hourly. For both him and me.

The incessant repetitive chatter has been the biggest change in the last month. He gets one thing stuck in his head and cannot and will not let it go. Hmmm… Sounds like someone else I know.

His progression is astounding from grunts and groans and lots of crying to making connections between things. He’s a sponge, absorbing everything and in his expanding vocabulary repeats back to us what he’s learning.

He knows where turns off are to parks, that checking the mail means we might see the neighbor’s cat, where I hide his favorite snacks and when I sing a song we learned in music class, he’ll say the teacher’s name.

He lives to push elevator and crosswalk buttons, loves trains and Thomas the Tank and I must put this starter train track set together 19 times a day.

Lucas enjoys watching videos of himself and is proving to be smarter than my smart phone. It’s incredible, he can navigate through different applications, finding the one he wants and operate it. I’m sure he has called Tokyo more than once. The iPhone really needs a lock button!

Lucas’ latest accomplishment is learning how to climb on and off our bed; a fact I learned recently when I left him in our bedroom while I ran downstairs for something and came back to find him like this:Scary!

He loves playing with hats, not wearing them and is a master at peek-a-boo.

No matter how long some days seem, Lucas is my pride and joy and greatest blessing. I look forward to the next month of milestones, behavioral challenges and smiles.

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We Will Never Forget

Posted on September 11, 2010 Written by Tonya

I just went through my September 2009 blog archive and for some reason, I didn’t wrote a post on September 11.

I wonder why.

“Where were you when you heard Kennedy was shot?” is one of the most significant questions for my parents generation and for mine, it will be: “where were you on 9/11?”.

Today is the anniversary of one of the saddest days in America’s history. A day that we will never forget.

Nine years ago terrorists flew two planes into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center towers in New York City. Both buildings collapsed within two hours, destroying nearby buildings and damaging others. The hijackers crashed a third airliner into the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia. A fourth plane crashed into a field in rural Pennsylvania after some of its passengers and flight crew attempted to retake control of the plane, which the hijackers had redirected toward Washington, D.C.

There were no survivors from any of the flights.

In all, 2,974 victims were killed by the September 11, 2001 attacks: 2,750 connected to the World Trade Center, 40 in Pennsylvania and 184 at the Pentagon. Those numbers do not include the 19 hijackers.

The images plastered all over the TV for weeks following the attacks were like something straight out of a movie. They were graphic and sad; each image more haunting than the last… the planes hitting the towers, people jumping out of windows, smoke, flames and debris, frustrated and tired rescue workers and faces of the victims,

As I encountered these images again today, all I could think was how will I ever be able to explain this or any other tragedy to Lucas?

How do you explain the unexplainable? Especially when you don’t understand it yourself. 9/11 is a heartbreaking event and even more so to have to explain to your perfect little human that the world isn’t all as loving as the world inside our home.

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Parenting Without Parents

Posted on June 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am parenting without parents. Are any of you?

People ask me about Lucas’ grandparents all the time. They know my husband’s parents live a two hour plane ride away and that we see them every month, but they don’t always know where my parents are. When I tell them, it always brings the conversation to a screeching halt. I hate it when that happens.

It’s always on my mind… my parents aren’t here.

My parents will never meet my son.

For those of you that don’t know, they both died almost three years ago of carbon monoxide poisoning. You can read details here.

A lot can happen in 32 months and every now and then, a little more than usual, (cue Lucas’ recent birthday, Father’s Day tomorrow and my birthday next week) I can’t stop thinking about, not only what they are missing, but what I am missing too. Can there be a statue of limitations on needing a mother even if you are a mother? I don’t think so.

It’s stupid really, I’m almost 38 and I have no one to call with my silly parenting questions. There’s no one to ask. Sure, I have a wonderful (much younger) sister, a loving aunt and uncle, a very smart mother-in-law, a supportive sister-in-law, who is also a mother of two and tons of amazing friends in the blog world and real life, but sometimes it feels like I’m flying solo on something I shouldn’t be.

To me, having a baby brings you closer to your own parents. You finally realize all the pain, suffering and worry they went through with you. Once you have a child of your own, you know just how much your mom and dad love you.

They should be here.

I should be having conversations about Lucas’ milestones, poop, food, toys and TV watching habits with my mom. I should be getting choked up over seeing my dad play with his grandson and rolling my eyes at them both when they try to put, yet another visit on the calendar. I should be asking them, “when did I do this, that or the other when I was his age?”.

It has only been one year!! How am I going to do this for the rest of my life? The rest of his life?

They would have been terrific grandparents.

Aside from two incredible people who built their lives around educating children, so much else was lost when my parents died; family traditions, history and a whole set of memories that I don’t share with anyone else but them. Whenever something crosses my mind that I think Lucas might be interested in or should know, I jot it down and more than once, I have poured my heart here. It helps, but I still miss them every day.

The best is yet to be.

Stupid @#!%^ House!!

Posted on June 9, 2010 Written by Tonya

I can see the headline now:

SAN DIEGO MOTHER STUFFS TODDLER
(AND LARGE TOY)
DOWN DRAIN PIPE.

Ever since we returned from our trip to Australia, Lucas has been waking up in the middle of the night every other night, or so needing a bottle. We thought he was just getting used to being home and the time difference, etc., so we obliged.

We are idiots!

We have been home over a month and I’m pretty sure he’s pulling one over on us now. So, three nights ago, on his birthday nevertheless, we stopped getting up with him and started to let him work it out. It was working great, until last night when I forgot to remove the latest distraction.

Meet the culprit:

The Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Learning Home

Cute enough, right? But very dangerous! It turns out if this thing, a once thought of as the perfect birthday gift from Mommy & Daddy is within eyesight, Lucas won’t sleep. Lucas wants to play.

He was up from 1:15 – 1:45 whining and carrying on and I thought trying to go back to sleep, but when I finally went in to his room, he was sitting up in his crib with his “take me to Disneyland look” pointing at the house. I comforted him, explained that it was nighttime and that he could play with his new toy in the morning, to which he promptly rolled on to his tummy, which usually indicates he’s going to cooperate. I also removed the house from his room only to set the music off, which only ignited his desire to play with it. Stupid @#!%^ house!! A complete melt down ensues and it’s now almost 2:00 in the morning.

He was still whining at 2:15 and 2:30, upon which time I got him a bottle, cursed the world and thanked God it was at this point that Dad took over. I was so pissed!

Needless to say, we have made up (sort of), but are both sleep deprived today.

The best is yet to be.

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Adventures In Dining

Posted on April 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

Dinner last night was comical and exhausting. We went out for sushi with our neighbors and their two children; Pierce, who is almost two years old and Roman, who is almost one, and if it wasn’t one kid complaining, it was the other.

We were in and out in almost an hour flat and because we were tending to our tots, I don’t think one complete conversation was had.

From the waterfalls, turtle pond, lights, other patrons, windows, fans and the always fun to play with dishes, chop sticks, menus and mommy and daddy’s food, you were mesmerized by all there was to see and touch.

We tried feeding you with the food we brought, but you were more interested in what P & R had, so we shared. We tried entertaining you with the toys we brought and you were antsy and only settled down when your dad and I took turns taking you on walks to visit the sushi bar, turtles and hostess stand.

The best part of the evening was that we all laughed about it, during and afterward. Welcome to dining with children! The sushi wasn’t bad either. 🙂 Oh well, we tried, right? Next time, it will be just the four adults. No offense, kids!

The best is yet to be.

Day 55/100

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No, No, No!

Posted on April 11, 2010 Written by Tonya

How can one little word, just two letters long hold so much meaning, exhaustion and frustration whether it is being said or heard? The word is ‘NO’ and in the last couple of days, I have said it enough times to last a lifetime and you have certainly heard it enough.

You are into EVERYTHING and while I appreciate your adventurous nature and eagerness to explore your surroundings, it doesn’t change the fact that you can’t touch the heater, climb into the dish washer, push every button on the remote control, hammer on my computer, or play with my phone!

I get it, your job as a toddler is to be a free spirit and constantly test your limits and my job as your parent is to keep you safe, promote positive behavior and raise you to be a good human without completely losing my sanity in the process. Having said that, how and when do you teach your toddler that no means no? What kind of discipline, if any works on a 10 month old?

My current technique is to say something like the following; “no, that’s the stove and it’s hot, please don’t touch it,” and then physically remove you from the situation/temptation. I have given you a description, warning and distraction. Inevitably, however, you crawl back over to the stove (or other inticing object) 17 more times because you don’t understand the word “hot”, let alone the concept of “no” and so the process is repeated over and over and over.

Help me, moms, how early do you teach your children right from wrong, self control and respect? How early is too early for time outs?! My ears are open wide….

The best is yet to be.

Day 47/100

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Always Go With Your Gut

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A Year & A Half

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