Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

You Know You’re A Mom When-sDaze

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You know you’re a mom when:

  • You wander the aisles of Target in order to kill an hour or so and hopefully get a couple of things marked off your grocery list in the process, not to mention, blow $100 on stuff you didn’t know you needed.
  • You would PAY for extra time, sleep and privacy.
  • Your favorite author’s latest book is sitting on your nightstand… collecting dust.
  • You wonder how on earth you are going to get through the day when every last nerve is already fried and it’s not even 8 AM yet.
  • Family and friends give you anti-stress gifts in the form of neck pillows, relaxing foot creams and gift certificates to spas from here on out.
  • You consider getting a fresh diaper, new change of clothes and socks and shoes on your tot a mini workout.
  • Your son’s smile lights up a room.

Thanks, Arizona Mama for creating this meme. Visit her blog, Our Daze in the Desert.

The best is yet to be.

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You Know You’re A Mom When-sDaze

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How many of these can you identify with?

You know you’re a mom when:

  • You have no clue if Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are still a hot Hollywood couple and frankly don’t care as much as you once did.
  • It takes you (on average) up to three nights to finish watching a movie because you keep falling asleep.
  • You think your child should be as excited as you are when he gets a piece of mail addressed to him. All I ever get anymore are Land of Nod catalogs, Gymboree coupons and bills!
  • You swear if you have to go to the grocery store one more time this week you may need to be committed.
  • You make sure your kid has three square meals a day, ample snacks and plenty of liquids, but you can’t remember the last time you drank a full glass of water.
  • Your child is slathered in sunscreen and wearing a hat, but you forgot all about your own sensitive skin.
  • When your child’s music or favorite television program is on, all is right in the world, but God forbid you try to catch up on the news or play a little Top 40!
  • It might take you all week to do one load of laundry because you keep forgetting that you started it and once wet laundry sits in the washer for over 24 hours, it needs another round.
  • Your child uses your boob (either one will do) has an arm rest.
  • You want better for your child than you ever had it and you had it pretty dang good.

Thanks to Arizona Mama for creating this meme. Visit her blog, Our Daze in the Desert to join the fun!

The best is yet to be.

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You Know You’re A Mom When-sDaze

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The “I’m a mom” reminders are EVERYWHERE!!

Thanks to Arizona Mama for putting together this great meme. Visit her blog, Our Daze in the Desert to join in on the fun!

You know you’re a mom when…

  • At the end of the day your pockets are filled with a half-eaten pretzel stick, numerous Cheerios, a baby bottle cap, a dryer sheet and a Boogie Wipe…who knows what I’ll discover in there tomorrow!
  • You know exactly how hard you have to push the stroller out in front of you in order to stuff you hair into a hat.
  • You tell your husband a little white lie about what time a mommy-only event begins in order to allow yourself just a few extra minutes to yourself.
  • You are more than willing to share your turkey from your turkey sandwich, if it means your kid will eat!
  • Going ANYWHERE requires at least 20 minutes of prep and packing and maybe even a list.
  • And speaking of going anywhere, like out to dinner, if tot is in tow, you are enjoying the Early Bird Special with all the Senior Citizens, so you get back home in time for bed time (AKA the most wonderful time of the day!!).
  • Your child smells like lavender, his hair is combed, teeth are brushed and is wearing the cutest new outfit, but you are still in your pj’s and haven’t washed your hair or shaved your legs, let alone put on perfume in days.
  • You justify every excessive crying spell with “it must teething”.
  • You can’t get “Elmo’s Song” out of your head. Damn that furry little red monster!
  • Your heart bleeds a little every time you hear of an injustice to a baby, child or teen.
  • As soon as your overly fussy, overly tired child FINALLY gives in to take a nap, you feel the incredible (not to mention stupid) urge to wake him up because he is just so dang cute.

The best is yet to be.

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Moving On

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Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. – Blaine Lee

Friendships shouldn’t be difficult, but sometimes they can be a downright messy and very complicated endeavor.

Some friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, start a family, or embark on a completely different stage of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don’t always understand why and it can be painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without even telling you and sometimes they are able to muster up enough courage to FINALLY say all the things they have wanted to say for a very, very long time.

I spent a good part of last week stewing over a friendship I have had for 20 years. We exchanged scathing e-mails and I ended up sharing some things that were WAY overdue. Should one of us have picked up the phone to discuss our issues? Absolutely, but e-mail has always sort of been “our thing” due to our geographic challenges.

It would take an entire blog to describe all the ups and downs and twists and turns I have had with this person over the years, so I’ll spare you the torrid details and just say that like in any relationship, there were good times and some nice memories that I will always cherish, but ultimately, pride, ego and an unwillingness or inability to “show up” played a huge role in the end of our friendship.

I am certainly not perfect and there are two sides to every story, but this is my blog, so you can figure out which one of us I think was the selfish one.

I have experienced monumental changes during the last three years (I got re-married, lost both of my parents at the same time, left a 10+ year career in marketing to deal with the fall out and became a mother) and my friend wasn’t much of a friend to me during any of these life altering moments and instead of saying anything to her, I pretended that everything was okay.

It wasn’t.

To be fair, she had fallen on tough times too and has spent the last three years trying to find steady work, all the while nursing a back injury sustained from an auto accident and in my opinion popping too many pills and letting herself spiral out of control. Every e-mail I received was worse than the last, a virtual “woe is me” tale of sending out resumes, worry over paying medical bills, asking for money, a repossessed car, and “boy toys”.

Ah, can you say different phases of life?

I am not saying that what was going on her life was was any less important than what was going on in mine, but there was so little acknowledgement of my burdens that it bruised my heart.

How does this relate to Lucas and/or motherhood?

I believe when you become a parent, you gain a much clearer view of the world around you, the relationships you have and what your priorities are. I literally don’t have the time to build egos or coddle anyone but my son (and occasionally my husband) anymore!

Friendship plays a key role in shaping an individual and in making the person he or she turns out to be. I have always thought of myself as a good friend. Thoughtful, loyal, fun to be with and above all engaged. I get caught up in the details sometimes and admit to having high expectations, but over the years, I have realized that that is okay. Why shouldn’t I expect the very same that I give in return? I want nothing less for my son and the friendships he will cultivate someday. 

There is a lesson in this loss for me… hopefully, I’m little wiser and will be a lot more open in future. Life is too short.

Today, I feel lighter and a tiny bit sad. I am proud of myself for finally speaking my mind and letting her know how I feel about her absence over the years, but I will miss her and moving on, will think of her only with fondness.

The best is yet to be.

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Boobs

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I’ve been thinking about boobs a lot lately.

I’ve been thinking about how they vary in size and shape from woman to woman and how some women go to extremes to augment, lift and smash them together.

I know nine women that have had breast implants without ever looking back (aside from one that had a horrific experience and had them removed). I’m completely envious of the way these women’s boobs look. They are always so perky and look fantastic in everything they wear, especially bikinis. I’m also envious that often times, they don’t even wear bras because they don’t have to.

I thought I had good boobs before I had a baby. A nice solid B+, as in the size, not the grade, but as long as I brought it up I’d give them a B+ grade too. Nowadays, they are more of C- and that’s with the helpful aid of the “right” bra (is there even such a thing?)

There are no two ways about it, boobs completely transform while you are pregnant and in the year that follows. I’m amazed that their sole purpose (aside from looking fabulous in a push up bra under a little black dress) is to provide nourishment.

I have several friends working on weaning their infants off the boob right now and it makes me sad. Okay, I’m just going to say it: I tried breastfeeding and it didn’t work for me.

This is my story:

I have to admit I was on the fence about it from day one and struggled with my decision up until I purchased the Cadillac of all breast pumps (the Medela Pump In Style with shoulder bag), ample storage bags, boxes of bra pads, nursing shirts and two tubes Costco-sized tubes of lanolin cream. With all the gear, there was no turning back. Plus, I was looking forward to the connection and bonding that my son and I would have, not to mention, I had heard that you can burn an extra 500 calories a day by breastfeeding. Bonus!!

Little did I know what sort of battle I was up against. Breastfeeding hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before; from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. It was more painful to me than labor and delivery and I delivered naturally without drugs.

There’s just something so wrong about pulling your unsatisfied newborn off your breast only to find his mouth full of blood instead of milk and wanting to cry your eyes out from the pain.

We had lactation specialists visit us in the hospital and at home, took pictures of the pillow arrangements and bought nipple shields, which helped a little bit, but when my milk wasn’t coming in and I couldn’t relax and began panicking because my little tiny baby was screaming out of hunger, I resorted to pumping only. I only produced two to three ounces a day and that only lasted two months and then I, of course completely. dried. up.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), Lucas was dehydrated when he was born and took longer than the standard week to return to his birth weight, so the nurses at the hospital told us we would have to supplement with formula. Dad was feeding the synthetic stuff to our son this through a syringe while my sister was pressing on my breasts to help encourage the milk to come in and I was busy trying to relax and hold my baby in the most optimal position. As you can imagine, it wasn’t a pretty picture.

I know of all the advantages of breastfed babies and I wanted them for Lucas. I thought I would have a gullet of milk gushing out of my boobs. I wanted my boobs to do what they were designed for, but instead they let me down and to this day I still feel extremely guilty that Lucas didn’t get breast milk longer. I really did try and I had a lot of support around me, it just wasn’t meant to be in the end.

Whether they work or not, back to boobs…and bras.

I feel like I am forever on the search for the perfect fitting, just enough lift, maximum comfort providing bra, especially now that mine have changed so much since giving birth. I think it’s time for this momma to head back to Nordstrom for an “intimate” fitting.

I have had pretty good luck with the Victoria Secret Body by Victoria line, but would love to know what everyone else likes. What’s your favorite everyday bra? Sports bra? Nursing bra (provided I ever give that another whirl)? Push up? T-shirt?

The best is yet to be.

This post is for the new word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog). I love words and wish I had a better vocabulary. I like the way words sound and feel sometimes rolling off my tongue. I especially enjoy words that I have to look up their meanings to. Having said all of that, you may see this button on my blog from time to time:

If you like words too, you should play along!
This week’s word is gullet.

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I Spy

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Your dad has been away on a business trip all weekend and a part from a few hours today, when I had a luxurious massage followed my lunch with a friend, it has been just you and me.

You have been an absolute joy (see Friday’s post for my thoughts on that) and I have realized that if I could earn a salary for watching you, I’d be a millionaire!

I love to spy on you as you try to figure things out; like how the wheels turn on your toy train and how if you push a button, the music comes back on. You appear so deep in concentration as you move from station to station in your bedroom… from the toy box over to the book shelf, on to the basket that holds all of your stuffed animals and then to the window sills. You are very busy and always seem to be on an exploration. You are deep into cause and effect and how things work right now and it is fascinating to observe.

You make very calculated movements, as though you think your next step though before you bolt off to do it. This is such an incredible characteristic to witness take shape as you learn more about the world around you and one that you most definitely did NOT inherit from me.

You are really smart. I know, I’m your mother so I may be a bit biased, but you know to turn a book around when it is upside down and when you see a funny picture, you actually laugh.

I sat and stared at you for at least 5 minutes while you rediscovered a book that you hadn’t seen in a while. You flipped slowly through it, page by page and giggled quietly to yourself at the smiling babies that you saw inside and when you were done, you started right back at the beginning. I watched you do this four times in row. It was so endearing and I didn’t even know it, but tears started rolling out down my face.

Maybe I was still on a “spa high”, maybe my hormones are on overdrive (will they EVER return to normal?!?) or perhaps, and I’m banking on this one, I’m simply in love with my son and everything he does.

Today was a good day, but as always, the best is yet to be.

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Just A Mom

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It was one year ago today that we were discharged from the hospital with our new little bundle of joy. We were so excited to bring you home, but also couldn’t help but wonder, what are these nurses thinking, are they really going to let us take you with us?

This photo was taken moments after we arrived home.
Somehow we survived that first day and night and every day and night since then. A whole year of parenthood!

A whole year of…

onesies, burp cloths, blankets and bibs
nightly feedings [sleep deprivation]
(mis)identifying cries
buying more diapers (or batteries) than we ever thought we’d need
discussing poop
checking in on you as you sleep
hugs and kisses
trying to make you giggle
proudly introducing you [showing you off] to our family and friends
taking more pictures than ever before
figuring out how to operate all the different contraptions and how they work to carry and keep you safe
laundry
calling you everything but your name
making ridiculous sounds, noises and faces
lullabies
hanging out on the floor playing with you and your million toys
finding creative ways to keep you engaged, happy and above all quiet
love
confusion
worry
guilt
relief
surprise
bewilderment
beginning to trust our instincts

What a monumental year! Yay for us!!

Thank God the first year only lasts the first year.

Now that you are a year old, I suppose I can’t be considered a “new” mom anymore, can I?

Now, I’m just a mom. 🙂

The best is yet to be.

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I’m Losing It

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Confession Time!

I hate to say it, but some mornings, I don’t want to do this. Some days, I don’t feel like being someone’s mom.

I know I sound like a terrible person and even worse mother, but I think to myself, I don’t think that I can make one more bottle, change one more diaper or prepare another meal for this kid.

I don’t know if I can sit through an episode of “Play With Me Sesame” or read one more book.

I’m not sure that I can muster the patience needed to listen to the same toys belt out their all too happy songs over and over and over again.

I know that I can’t hear myself say, “no” and “please don’t touch that” One More Time or I’m really going to lose it and God forbid you whine… that is the kiss of death!!

Sometimes I think I would rather check myself into a super fancy hotel, put on a big comfy bathrobe, order room service and LOTS OF WINE and watch movies all day long. C’mon, ladies, please tell me I’m not alone in my thinking, doesn’t that just sound like bliss?

But then…

You do something completely and utterly adorable and look at me with those eyes and I know that I have to put one foot in front of the other and be the best mom I can be because you’re my child and I want to.

The best is yet to be.

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We Are All In This Together

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In a national survey commissioned by Hallmark, it was revealed that two-thirds of moms say they handle the imperfect moments of motherhood by sharing funny stories with other moms about their experiences, and that 8 in 10 moms turn to each other for candid, empathetic, and unapologetic support and reassurance that “we are all in this together.”

Based on their research, Hallmark has developed an entire line of greeting cards called The Edge of Motherhood: Laughs For Proudly Imperfect Moms and I just spent almost an hour reading every last one and buying several.

All the cards are funny and very relatable, but these two are my favorite:

Inside: Hope you’re feeling perky today.


Inside: There, now… Feel better?

I bet you know someone who could use a little pick-me-up and besides, when was the last time you sent or received a greeting card? Show a fellow mom that you’ve “been there, done that” and know what they’re going through – and the best part, they start at just 99 cents!

The best is yet to be.

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Energizer Bunny

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“Too much of a good thing is wonderful.” – Mae West

Or is it?

Usually my alone time is spent working out or running errands, but on Tuesday, while I was waiting for my friend Coreen to bring her newborn baby home from a doctor’s appointment so that I could meet her, I had three glorious hours to kill with — get this — nothing specific to do.

So, what’s a girl to do?

I spent them at the second Happiest Place on Earth: South Coast Plaza (an upscale shopping center in Orange County, California).

Three, amazing hours by myself to wander through one of the most beautiful shopping malls on the planet. Did I mention that I was by myself? 🙂

First, I strolled around the bookstore, my usual “go to” me time spot and found several new books to add to my list of books to read that I hope to someday find time for, then I meandered through Pottery Barn and ZGallerie and remembered having a home without baby gates or locked toilets and then I leisurely tried on a pair of pants at Ann Taylor and bought a pair at H&M (along with a couple of things for
Lucas because I can’t seem to leave the house without buying him something!) and then I took myself to lunch at Champagne Bakery. It was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful morning! It made me feel, dare I say, human again.

I have always relished my “me time”, but now that I’m a mother, it feels like such a forbidden luxury. There really is something to be said for just being on your own with nothing to do. Boredom is so underrated.

Of course, there is a caveat. You see, whenever I have the opportunity to enjoy a little time away, the days that follow are HoRrEnDoUs.

Take, for example yesterday and today… let’s just say, what the H-E-L-L happened to your morning nap and where do you get all your flipping energy, because I’d like some too?!? You have been particularly feisty, irritable (which I keep telling you, as well as myself will happen when you don’t take a nap) and into everything. AGGGGHHHHHH!!! I guess what they say about pay back is true.

Incidentally, I had a delightful visit with Coreen and loved meeting five day old baby Flynn. Bless her little heart, all she did was sleep.

The best is yet to be.

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