milestones

The Year That Was

Posted on January 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love new years, fresh starts and having a calendar full of blank pages just aching to be filled with fun activities and new memories.

I also enjoy looking back on the year that was and 2013 was a big one for me and my family. Here are some of our highlights, many of which I have shared here, click on links for posts you may have missed.

January
I discovered Cardio Barre and became obsessed, attending classes two to three times per week through May.

My first infertility post ran on SheKnows. The column ran for six months and still helps woman today.

February
I submitted a piece I wrote called We Are Enemies to Listen To Your Mother in Sacramento.

March
I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother and was selected to be a part of the 2013 cast!

We were kicked out of the house we were renting because of our dog and moved into a two-bedroom apartment.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I had my second egg retrieval.

My girlfriend and I attended a Sweet 16 NCAA basketball game… U of A (our alma mater) vs. Ohio.

April
In order to detox, I drank a smoothie a day for the entire month and went on a strict no buying program!

May
We transferred one embryo and it worked!!

I met my sister’s boyfriend for the first time.

June
Charlie Pasta turned one year old!

Lucas turned four years old!

I saw Mumford & Sons and Beyonce in concert.

Lucas went to his first baseball game.

After the better part of five years, my sister and I finally sold our parents house in Tucson.

I celebrated my 41st birthday.

July
We spent Fourth of July weekend in Santa Barbara.

I made it to 12 weeks!

I saw Justin Timberlake and Jay Z in concert and to date, it was one of the best!!

August
My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary and we found out we were having a girl!

Lucas spent three nights with his grandparents while Todd and I were in Monterrey.

Lucas and I spent a fun beach day with Robin and her family in San Diego.

I graduated from my fertility doctor’s office.

Letters for Lucas turned four years old!

September
We spent Labor Day weekend in La Jolla.

My dear friend, Nichole flew down from Sacramento for one night to join me at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

October
We lit sky lanterns and remembered our parents six years later.

I saw Katy Perry & Friends in concert with my sister.

My sister and I took Lucas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

November
We moved into our new house!!

I saw Justin Timberlake in concert again!

I made it to the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy.

December
Lucas started going to preschool four days a week

We hosted Christmas in our new house.

I calculated that I walked 365 miles this year!

I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead and wishing each of you a brilliant 2014!

A Week Of Milestones

Posted on December 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Hello friends, it has been a while. Almost an entire month in fact and in that time, we moved, decorated for Christmas, surpassed the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy (!) and were without Internet access for almost three weeks. It has been busy and we are anything but settled into our new home, but have already had guests, are hosting family and friends for Christmas and are enjoying making our house a home.

I’m currently sitting at the island in my beautiful new kitchen listening to holiday music, avoiding my very lengthy To Do list and thinking back on a week of some pretty big milestones for Lucas:

Milestone #1 For the first time EVER, Lucas ate what we ate for dinner!

Before becoming a parent I always said I would never be a short order cook, serving up a separate meal for my child, but having such a picky eater that was not the case in the least bit and until last Tuesday, that’s just what we did.

Tuesday he enjoyed pesto pasta with chicken and broccoli.

This is huge!

No separate meal.

I know it won’t happen every night, but we are headed in the right (and way more convenient) direction.

Milestone #2 While out to dinner on Saturday evening, Lucas asked to use the men’s restroom (gulp), which led to me sending this tweet while I waited (and worries):

I don’t know what the appropriate age is to let your son use the restroom by himself, but I know that I won’t be doing it again unless it is a another single stall situation.

Milestone #3 There are very few things in my life that I have had to have. These shoes purchased long before Lucas was even born were one of those things.

I completely fell in love with this New Balance sneaker, size 12(!) decked out with Oscar the Grouch, complete with several pesky flies. On the bottom of the sole, it says: “Have a yucky day!”. Having grown up watching Sesame Street, I just had to get them!

We bought them while in Old Town Pasadena in the Spring of 2009 and never thought our little boy would ever be able to wear them.

At 4 1/2 years old, Lucas’s tiny feet grew and grew are finally big enough to wear them!

Be still my heart, my little boy is no longer so little.

With Love

Posted on October 8, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s that time of year again… Halloween has completely invaded stores and in some cases, (Michael’s and Kohl’s) you’ll even see Christmas decorations displayed. It starts earlier every year, as they say.

Children wane back and forth about costumes, family reaches out to discuss Thanksgiving plans and preliminary gift lists begin.

The last three months of the year are typically a blur to most of us. We scratch our heads in bewilderment wondering where the year went, lament over all the holiday activities, try to stay healthy and enjoy the magic of the season and precious time with our families and friends.

This time of year sucks for me.

I’m overjoyed about finally being pregnant and loving every minute of daydreaming about baby girl’s arrival, we may have found a house and just this morning, I ordered Lucas’ Halloween costume, but October 15 is looming. It’s a date on the calendar I dread the most. This October 15 marks the sixth anniversary of my parents deaths.

Six years.

Six years of milestones missed.

Six years of missing.

It still boggles my mind and the grief continues.

It’s just not right that they aren’t here.

This year I will be spending the day with one of my dearest friends getting pampered, followed by a mellow evening with my husband and son. We will launch a sky lantern and remember, as always with love.

My Quotable Kid

Posted on September 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

While I have found joy in every age Lucas has been, four has been my favorite so far because his sense of humor and curiosity are in full swing.

I have my blog, where I share a lot of adorable Lucas quips and conversations, but I love having this book to document gems such as these….

Click on image to check out on Amazon… makes a great gift!

Hey look, I’m an a-hole.

I’m so happy that I am relaxing for a little while.

Old McDonald’s has the best hamburgers I have ever put my mouth.

Okay, sun I’m done with you today. You are too bright.

Oh, yay! There’s a hot tub!

I wonder if there is a school where you can come check on me during the day, because I miss you.

It’s a red light kind of day, mama.

I need to have one of every color Jordan almond right now!

Lucas: Do we still have my three wheel Scooter?
Me: Yes, I think it’s in the garage.
Lucas: Good, because want to give it to my baby. And I also want to get her a helmet with pink flames.

Lucas: What do you think the baby is doing right now?
Me: Just hanging out and growing and around moving a lot.
Lucas: Well, maybe you should eat a baby toy, so it has something to do.

Cringe worthy, heart warming, sassy, insightful, funny and smart, that’s my quotable kid!

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 5. Write a list of things your kids have said that that made you cringe.

14 Weeks, 3 Days

Posted on September 12, 2013 Written by Tonya

I had heard rumors that with your second child, you start showing sooner than with your first. Your body has been here before, your stomach muscles aren’t as strong as they were due to the stretching from your first pregnancy, blah, blah, blah.

Turns out, this is true. SO true!

With Lucas I was almost 16 weeks along before there was a real bump. This time around and the real reason we had to share our news, I popped at just over 13 weeks. A full three weeks earlier! I had wanted to wait to tell people until we had made it half way, but, with a dead giveaway right smack dab in the middle of my body, we had to come clean.

I stuffed myself into my favorite pair of size 29, low rise jeans for the Justin Timberlake/Jay Z concert on July 28, the first day I really noticed my body was changing and although it didn’t keep me from dancing my ass off, I was uncomfortable as hell the entire night.

It took my husband a few days after that to get to our storage unit but I was giddy when he walked in the door carrying this….

my relief.

I wore my first maternity clothes at 14 weeks 3 days.

Four Years & Counting…

Posted on August 29, 2013 Written by Tonya

August 27, 2009.

I had been a mother for only 82 days but had accepted that for my newborn son, being in the comfort of my arms was his favorite place to be. I was more powerful than ever before.

I was already completely head over heels with Lucas.

Although struggling, still in shock over my new role, more exhausted than I had ever experienced in my life and worried that I was doing ~~something~~ everything wrong as a parent, I was slowly getting more comfortable as each day passed.

While anticipating my son’s arrival, I had written him a letter expressing how much I loved him, was anxiously awaiting his arrival and shared some of my hopes and dreams for his life. This became my first Letters For Lucas blog entry.

While writing had never really been my thing, when I was pregnant (and even prior to that) I often poured my heart out to a couple of close friends via e-mail and found the release very therapeutic.

What ultimately pushed me to start my own blog was this new tiny person in my life. I needed an outlet, a way to keep family and friends updated on his life, an excuse for not creating a baby book in the traditional sense and I desperately wanted Lucas to know me better than I knew my own mother.

In the first year of Letters For Lucas, my posts were literally that, letters to my son. It has since grown and evolved and became a place that I truly treasure. Nowadays I only visit and share sporadically.

I am grateful for my loyal readers, your comments and personal notes mean the world to me. I hope you will continue to stay with me as I navigate through parenthood, puppyhood, preschool, grief, loss, being a big sister, secondary infertility struggles and soon baby #2!

Spring Break 2013

Posted on April 26, 2013 Written by Tonya

If you follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram then you know Lucas was on Spring Break last week. I posted a lot of these photos already, but here are more highlights from our very long, yet very fun 10 days together.

I kept us busy day in and day out by visiting amusement parks, regular parks, meeting new friends (Snoopy and Katie and her equally car-crazed son), scheduling play dates, soccer lessons, surprise lunch visits with Daddy, a sunset Duffy boat ride and there may have been an afternoon or two or three of ice cream.

There was limited TV watching and iPhone/iPad playing, lots of wine (for me, not him) and only two naps (not that I counted or anything). By the way, those last two things have nothing to do with one another. NOT!!

Spring Break sure has changed from when I was in school, but my son is becoming a really cool kid and I like hanging out with him a lot. He’s funny, silly, kind, super fast on his scooter and so, so, SO determined… especially in the nap department.

Wonder where he gets that?

Click here to see how we spent last Spring Break!

10 Reasons NOT To Get A Puppy

Posted on December 5, 2012 Written by Tonya

Oh yeah, they’re adorable and seem like a great addition to the family, but do not be fooled, puppies are a lot of work and will try your patience in every way!

Even more than you think your children do.

I’m dead serious.

Charlie Pasta turned six months old on December 1 and after having a puppy for four months, here are the top 10 reasons I might be regretting it:

10. He digs holes in our backyard.

9. He brought me the remains of a mouse and then licked my face.

8. He continues to wake me up at 12:30, 2:30 and 4:30 with a cry worse than a newborn baby’s wanting to go out to pee or just walk around the yard for no apparent reason. Oh, no wait, there are shadows to bark at.

7. He’s jumps when I walk by him and at the jingle of keys presumably because he thinks it’s his leash and wants to go for a walk and then when I do take him for a nice long (almost 5 mile) outing along the beautiful beach, stopping to let him potty, drink water and take in the fresh ocean air, the minute we get home he looks me straight in the eye and then proceeds to pee on my carpet. If that isn’t the ultimate F-You, I don’t know what is.

6. While I was in the bathroom the other morning and left him alone for less than three minutes, he destroyed a pile of Lucas’ art projects.

5. He attacked my beloved olive tree.

4. His toys are squeakier, louder and WAY more annoying that anything Lucas has ever played with.

3. Despite (almost) daily dental care, his breath stinks all. the. time.

2. Although he has never chewed a pair of shoes, Lucas’ toys or our baseboards (knock on wood), look what he did to our vacuum cord!!

And the #1. Why puppies absolutely suck: He has weaseled his way into our family and stolen our hearts.

Have You Ever?

Posted on November 26, 2012 Written by Tonya

Have you ever felt giddy over getting another stamp in your passport?

Have you ever been approached on the street in Yaletown and asked if you needed help with directions, restoring your faith in the kindness of strangers?

Have you ever been caught in the rain on Robson Street and laughed so hard you cried?

Have you ever seen a twinkle in your husband’s eye as he points out the building he used to live in on Georgia Street?

Have you ever sang karaoke to a room full of strangers at Hollywood North and it made your heart do cartwheels inside your chest?

Have you ever tasted the tomato soup with goat cheese at Cardero’s in Coal Harbor and swear you could eat it every day this winter and never grow tired of it?

Have you ever felt as though your problems at home really were a million miles away?

Have you ever pushed your son’s stroller through Stanley Park?

Have Aurora and Qila, the beluga whales at the Vancouver Aquarium ever smiled at you?

Have you ever walked across suspension bridges 230 feet above the Capilano River while your knees quaked with fear?

Have you ever taken a photo of your husband and son swimming in the hotel pool from your 22nd floor window?

Have you ever celebrated Thanksgiving with filet mignon and chocolate cake at Hy’s Steakhouse?

Have you ever written the top 10 items you are most grateful for on the back of a wine list in crayon?

Have you ever watched your child experience something as magical as snow for the first time and it completely took your breath away?

Have you ever been in 32 degrees, worn four layers of clothing and still couldn’t get warm?

Have you ever heard the delicate sound of snow melting off of tree branches?

Have you ever watched the pastry chef at Chateau Whistler masterfully assemble a life-sized gingerbread house in the lobby?

Have you ever bought souvenirs at Granville Market?

Have you ever been to a place that you just couldn’t describe in words?

Have you ever been to British Columbia?

During our week in Vancouver and Whistler I had all of these sensations and experiences. My senses were truly on overdrive and it was an amazing week. We are already planning our next visit.

Five

Posted on October 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

Today is an anniversary but there is no cause for celebration.

Today marks five chances to ring in a New Year,

five missed Mother’s Day brunches,

five Father’s Day barbeques,

five World Series games,

five Christmas mornings,

one very special birth.

Birthdays, holidays and other milestone days are painful reminders of who is missing from my life and there is no distraction grand enough to avert my attention.

In the days and weeks following a loved one’s death, people tend to say things like, “give it time, it will get easier.” Five years later and I don’t think people will ever know exactly what to say to me when it comes to losing my parents. There truly are no magic words that I know of, except perhaps “you can wake up now, it was all a bad dream”.

The ironic thing is that it actually does get easier with time. Time is a gift for those left behind. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it helps.

Five years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, all consuming grief, but within the little things, where grief hides, that hit me when I least expect it. These are the moments when I realize I am slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me. I make a conscious attempt to replay poignant moments in my mind in an effort to hold on; anything to hold the memories close.

My mom and dad live on in me, my sister and Lucas but the hole in my heart will forever be present. Forever gaping and raw.

After five years I am still grieving.

A Week Of Milestones

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