infertility

What Infertility Looks Like

Posted on May 23, 2013 Written by Tonya

I don’t know when or why I started taking photos of my infertility journey, but I suppose it’s because I take photos of everything and this has been an all consuming process for the last three years.

Also, I want to remember.

As strange as that sounds, I want to remember the hot tears, sharp needles, bruises that turn from black and blue to green and last for weeks upon weeks, waiting rooms filled with birth announcements, handfuls of pills and every single time I have wished on a shooting star, blew out a candle on a birthday cake or looked at the clock at 11:11.

Then again, how could I forget?

The only thing I know for sure, when it comes to my struggle is that it will all be worth it in the end.

If you ever wanted to know what infertility looks like, here you go:

If you’re new to Letters For Lucas and my story, I write an infertility column over at SheKnows and I’d love for you to read it and/or or share it with someone you know battling this disease. I also have a Pinterest board dedicated to Infertility.

Mercy

Posted on May 10, 2013 Written by Tonya

Please keep walking.

I don’t know you but our children go to the same school. Your daughter is in Lucas’ class and your middle son is in the room down the hall. We greet each other when we see one another during pick ups and drop offs. The children all take swim lessons at the same pool so we see each other every week at the same time there too.

Please don’t sit down next to me.

I’ve watched your adorable pregnant self over the months and congratulated you when your new bundle of joy arrived. He’s teething so he has to be about five months old now. I know you were struggling to keep him happy today while the kids swam.

Please don’t come any closer.

I knew if you sat down the inevitable would happen. We would begin chatting probably about teething remedies and I wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes off of him.

Oh, he is too cute and so happy with those big, bright, beautiful eyes.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself.

I would offer to hold him, giving you a moment of relief and a chance to dig through your diaper bag for a teething toy.

Lucas had these same alligator jammies. I hope I saved them.

I’d smile and play peek-a-boo, take in his sweet scent and hope to get a baby fix. All the while trying to stop the hurt in my heart, the longing penetrating my body and begging for mercy.

Why didn’t you just keep walking?

Playing Hookie

Posted on March 6, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s permanently on my calendar.

It’s always the first Wednesday of every month.

Same time.

Same place.

Sad stories.

Insatiable longing.

Todd was out of town.

The sitter was booked.

But I didn’t want to go.

Not tonight.

I just wasn’t feeling it, that strength needed to share and take in the updates or be supportive.

All day long I kept thinking, there are a hundred things I’d rather do and places I’d rather be, it’s okay to miss one meeting.

But then I forgot to cancel the sitter and when she arrived at our front door I was giddy with delight and got in my car with every intention of going to a movie or the mall. Hiding out at a warm bookstore or nearby Starbucks sounded like the perfect way to spend three hours.

My car, as if it had a mind of it’s own, took the same route I take every other first Wednesday of the month and before I knew it I was sitting with my fellow infertile soldiers baring my soul and sharing the latest stumbling block in my journey.

I laughed, I cried, I tried to be encouraging, nodded with compassion and understanding and I was supported in kind.

I left feeling better and ready to take on a new day… until next month.

Birth Announcements

Posted on January 29, 2013 Written by Tonya

I am overwhelmed.

I’m finding it hard to breathe.

Everywhere I look, plastered floor to ceiling are beautiful cards.

Tiny Prints, Minted, Shutterfly.

Matte, glossy, squares, rectangles, flat and folded.

Brand new fresh faces.

Blank stares.

Scrawny bodies.

Sleeping angels.

Loving welcome messages.

Kind letters of gratitude to the skilled doctor.

I feel space around me closing in.

Dates.

Weights.

Lengths.

First, middle and last names.

Beaming new parents smile back at me.

There are also photos of the good doctor with the new bundles of joy.

I’m fighting tears now.

I read biblical verses like: “Every good and perfect gift is a gift from above.” James 1:17 on more than one card.

Dreams do come true.

Believe!

The prince has arrived.

It’s a boy!

It’s a girl!

Twins!

Meet the newest member of our family!

We’ve been blessed.

Our wish came true.

Our prayers have been answered.

I can’t bear it.

I stand up and calmly walk toward the door.

I’ll reschedule for another time when I’m not feeling so weak.

And then, my name is called.

As I am ushered to a room, I pass the receptionist’s desk and I grab a business card.

I am hopeful.

Unwavering

Posted on January 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s been sitting on my nightstand for months and I now know why I waited so long to read it, I needed these words now.

I know everyone and their mother has already read Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, but I finished it today and it did something I haven’t experienced from a book in a long time. Cheryl Strayed’s words reached a place deep inside me and I let them seep into my heart and soul making a profound impact.

Wild is inspirational and reflective of the struggles we all face in life. While reading, I made many parallels to my own life; the dissolution of my first marriage, my grief over losing my parents too soon, the rocky and yet oh so wonderful days of motherhood and not taking for granted the beauty that lies all around us, if we just stop to look, but the biggest comparison I made was to my infertility journey; the highs and lows and mammoth blisters in between.

Strayed is brutally honest about her weaknesses as well as her strengths and anyone going through any sort of hardship should read this book. I promise it will give you courage to help you face the hurts and overcome your grief as well as empower you to keep going no matter what the obstacles.

I have learned so much about longing and gut-wrenching pain over the last few years and I wonder how much more I can endure. It seems as though each heart break is more debilitating than the last and yet, somehow instinctively I know when our second child is placed into my arms, however and whenever that might be, just like Strayed’s final day of her 1100 mile soul searching hike, a dark, ominous cloud will be lifted and all of my doubts, struggles losses and tears will not have been in vain.

Few people have Strayed’s courage to live their own truth and to tell that truth without wavering. I admire her immensely, I am grateful for her words and hope in some small way that I am a tiny bit like her.

Click on image for source.

Have you read Wild?

Holding On To Hope

Posted on January 21, 2013 Written by Tonya

So, I’m kind of freaking out.

In a good way.

I have been writing for the SheKnows Parenting channel for a few months and at the end of the year, one of my assignment editors asked me if I would be interested in writing a weekly column on infertility.

Immediately I was a ball of delight and nerves.

Interested?

Yes!

But also terrified.

I’m neck deep into my infertility journey and it is pretty much all I think about these days, but could I realistically come up with enough topics to sustain a weekly column? After mulling it over, discussing it with my husband and a few very dear friends and making a topic list that multiplied several dozen times over, I decided to go for it! Infertility is a topic that is too near and dear for me not to write about and if my story can help just one person, then I will be gratified.

Infertility does not discriminate and it is so important that for those who are fighting this battle to stick together. Over the next few weeks, I will be sharing my story on SheKnows and I hope that if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility or secondary infertility, you will read along, comment, ask questions and that we support one another.

My first post is up today, Holding on to hope during infertility and I would be so very grateful if you read it and helped me promote it.

One Word

Posted on January 15, 2013 Written by Tonya

I have big plans for this year.

So far, two weeks in and it hasn’t been that wonderful… another negative pregnancy test, more bad news on my parents house and a cold/flu/sinus yuck that won’t go away. There have have some really great things too, but more on that later.

But still, I am expecting a lot from 2013.

I have personal and professional goals that I hope to achieve as well as many things I want for my family.

When I think about everything I hope to accomplish in the year ahead, the remaining 50 weeks, many words come to mind that I believe will help keep me on task and serve as my driving force:

Hope
Patience
Trust
Focus
Gratitude
Relax

All great words in their own way and very relevant to my life right now, but there is only one word that envelopes what I truly want in 2013:

This customized One Word button was designed by Melanie of Only A Breath

I want to keep the peace.

I want to make peace.

I want to hold my peace.

I want to be at peace.

In other words, I want to remain hopeful and as patient as I possibly can while trusting the process and myself, focusing on the end result and what truly matters by expressing my gratitude for all the blessings in my life and learning how to relax a little along the way. See what I did there?

Peace.

It’s the perfect word, all encompassing, a constant and quiet reminder every day of this year. It’s what we should all strive for, globally and within our own hearts and minds.

What’s your one word?

Linking up with Nicole of Sisters From Another Mister, Laura of Mommy Miracles, and Melanie of Only A Breath (who will customize your One Word button for you for free, just e-mail her!).

Sharing My Story

Posted on November 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

When I first saw the request for help, I ignored it.

Then my sister saw it and brought it to my attention again.

She said it might be healing to participate.

I hesitated, knowing full well she was right.

Then a close friend encouraged me to share my knowledge, claiming I might be able to help others.

Really?

Me?

Knowledgeable?

I thought, who is going to care what I have to say and why would I share the intimate details of one of the most difficult ordeals I have ever experienced? How can what I’ve been through possibly help others?

After much consideration I decided why not?

Even if I reach only one single person, one mother who is longing to be pregnant one more time, something I share might resonate with her.

Why wouldn’t I tell my story?

Why wouldn’t I offer what little knowledge I have to help ease her mind and let her know she is not alone.

And in the process and especially now, having seen the final piece, I am feeling empowered and slightly braver than usual.

Thank you, Sheelagh for giving me this opportunity and more importantly, the time I needed to gather my thoughts and express myself as openly as I wanted.

If you are struggling with secondary infertility or know someone that is, please read and share Sheelagh Daly’s article, Secondary infertility: What you should know on SheKnows Canada.

Hope

Posted on October 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

Feeling small, weak and out of control, I recognize these sensations. I’ve been here before.

I am at the point during the dreadful two week wait where I turn into someone I know well but don’t like very much.

The hormones I’m taking (progesterone, estrogen and heparin) have had a chance to dig into my system encouraging my mind to go to ugly places, think ugly thoughts and say ugly things.

The night sweats and dry mouth have both started.

This won’t hurt a bit, they say.

Tired, lacking energy and a face breaking out like a sad dateless teenager on prom night.

I try to stay calm, focused and positive but I am raging inside.

I have bruises all along my belly from the twice daily shots of blood thinners and on both hips from the nightly concoction of steroid hormones.

I lash out at my poor husband, an innocent easy target.

Your lining looks perfect, they say.

I am famished, eat all day and gain weight, an average of 5-8 pounds each cycle.

And then there’s the waiting. The waiting is the worst part. For two weeks, life is on hold and I wait, trying not to read into every sign, careful not to get too excited.

Again.

Everything looks really good, they say.

I am ready for disappointment, willing to welcome it even, to just know and end the waiting; to move on, get off the merry-go-round, discuss next steps or give up.

There are more tears.

Another pin prick.

Another appointment.

More waiting.

Your blood work looks great, just keep doing what you’re doing, they say.

All of sudden and always exactly when I need it most, hope appears.

Hope; in waves of joy and tender moments, a deep sigh followed by a full inhale of fresh air.

Hope greets me and gives me strength.

Hope whispers, keep going.

We Are Enemies

Posted on May 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have never hit anyone in my life.

A good friend pushed me in college because I was dancing with a boy she supposedly liked and I pushed back and another time, I slapped a guy for being crude, but that has been the extent of my physical altercations.

I don’t even know how to make a proper fist.

But believe me when I say that I would go full on Fight Club on Infertility if we ever met in a dark alley.

It wouldn’t even need to be dark.

Or an alley.

She could be walking out of a 7-Eleven in the broad daylight and I would kick her ass beyond recognition.

Any battle ground will do.

I just want to meet her one day and have my way.

I want to beat that bitch to a bloody pulp and show absolutely zero mercy.

She wouldn’t either.

I know this for a fact.

Infertility and I are enemies of the worst kind.

I would relish hearing bones crack and draw pleasure from wiping away my own blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. I would spit it right in her face.

It would be a heart pounding workout like I have never experienced, throwing blow after blow, advancing and retreating with more power and strength each time.

This would be no cat fight, no pussy hair pulling or nail scratching, what would be the point? I want to do real damage, full frontal contact with loud, hard shots square to the jaw and the ribs. I want to feel our legs and arms tangled.

Duck, kick, twist, punch, repeat.

Sweat and spit flying.

Deep guttural screams.

The loudest thing in my head, besides the ringing in my ears would be the cheers of encouragement from the dozens of women I personally know and countless others, I don’t, who wish they had gotten to her first.

Even though I could go at it for days, eventually we would both reach a point when we had had enough, but just when she’d think I was surrendering, I would muster the strength from a place deep down inside my soul and go after her one last time and bring her to her knees once and for all.

When it was over, I would sit down on the hard gravel, wince from the pain and though tears I didn’t think I had left would ask, “why?”.

______________________________________________

I read this post as part of the inaugural Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show in May 2013. You can view it here.

What Infertility Looks Like

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Mercy

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Playing Hookie

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Unwavering

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