family

No Words

Posted on November 8, 2010 Written by Tonya

Listening to all of the eloquent speeches on TV at the memorial service honoring San Diego police officer Chistopher Wilson last week, I realized nobody spoke at my parents memorial service.

We should have asked someone to say something.

Their deaths were so untimely and tragic that I’d like to believe that everyone in attendance was in just as much shock as we were.

After all, there were no words.

I should have said something though.

I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t make my legs stand up to walk to the front of the room.

Where were my words?

Talk about shocking, we only expected 10 people to show up and instead there were maybe 60. A pretty good turn out considering my parents died overseas and didn’t know that many people in Tucson.

We were pleased that my dad’s brothers and their wives and some of their children made the trip from Texas and I was comforted that my in-laws were there and felt nothing but loved when I saw my closet girlfriends. To this day, having them there with me on the darkest day of my life, is one of the kindest gestures I have known.

The obituary ran the same day, October 21, 2007 and my phone rang all morning. The service was held at 2:00 and people all over were finding out for the first time, yet I had known for seven days by then.

In those seven days, along with my sister and husband, we selected urns, chose photos for a montage, put together a CD of my parents favorite music, created the text for the program, edited the obituary and bought something to wear to the dreadful event.

I will never forget the shopping trip that Leah and I made to buy those dresses. We were numb and we didn’t care, so we chose the ugliest black dresses we could find knowing that while we may never get rid of them, we would never ever wear them again.

As soon as my husband saw them, he marched us right back to the mall to return them for more flattering ones. I am really glad he did that.

What would we have done without our voice of reason? There are no words to express my gratitude and love for Todd, who was an absolute rock throughout the entire process, not just that week, but for weeks and months to follow.

I wish I said something at the service.

There were no words, but still I should have gotten up and had the courage to, at the very least, thank everyone for coming.

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Family

Posted on October 12, 2010 Written by Tonya

They lift you up.
They let you down.
They make your head spin and eyes roll.
They borrow money you know you’ll never see again.
They lend a hand when you need it most.
They are heirlooms and hand-me-downs.
They know you better than anyone else and can hurt you like no one else.
They make you laugh and not just chuckle, but full on tummy holding, side aching, tears running down your face laugh.
They make you cry by opening old wounds or creating new ones.
They are birthday parties, summer BBQs, college graduations, weddings and anniversaries.
They are home runs, three-pointers and touch downs.
They are teachers and confidants, cooks and built-in babysitters.
They manipulate, calculate and complicate.
They share your secrets, your history and your eye color.
They are your past, your present and your future.
They support, frustrate and hog the bathroom.
They become estranged and then they reunite.
They are game nights and pancakes and holiday traditions.
They are baby bottles, pizza deliveries and mom’s famous casserole.
They talk, listen, yell and argue.
They celebrate.
They grieve.
They remember.
They hurt.
They hug.
They are a force to be reckoned with.
They are aunts, brothers, nephews, sisters, fathers, cousins, uncles, brothers, in-laws, grandparents, nieces, and mothers.
They are home.
They are family.
They are love.

Family is everything.

Why I Blog

Posted on October 5, 2010 Written by Tonya

This post is part of my homework for Week 3 (yes, it’s late!) of Kludgy Mom’s Back to School/Back to Blogging workshop. I chose the Idea Bank writing prompt #250: Why did you start blogging?

Before I started blogging, I only knew of a handful other mommy blogs and now, I have several fellow bloggers that I consider friends and have even started meeting in real life!

I truly admire the mommy blogging world and especially the moms with more than one child, that not only post something insightful, funny and/or thought provoking on their own sites everyday, but also find the time to visit other blogs and leave heartfelt comments. Natalie, (Mommy of a Monster) I’m talking to you! Seriously, girl, how do you do it?

I am trying to be better about finding time, not only to write, but visit other blogs as well. It’s not easy with a 16 month old energizer bunny, but I’m trying my best.

My main purpose for blogging is for someone who can’t even read yet – my son Lucas. These “letters” are a documentation of his life and a way for him to know me better.

I didn’t have a great relationship with my own mother. We were never comfortable with one another and therefore didn’t know each other very well. I harbor a lot of resentment towards my mother because I don’t believe she really tried to be close to me and I am also full of regret for the things I should have said and done to improve our relationship too. When we know better, we do better, right? I never ever want there to be any distance or friction between me and Lucas, so I hope that this blog will only help strengthen our bond.

I would have loved for my mother to have kept a journal for me, a recording of my milestones and the stories of her life. What insight that could have provided me now, not to mention terrific conversation starters. I will admit that sometimes, I like to hide behind my words, but I know that face-to-face interaction is best. I learned that from my father, who was a great conversationalist and with whom I had a wonderful relationship.

I blog because it’s therapy. Even if no one else ever read my words, I think I would still write them. Writing is a release for me. As well as sharing myself with my son and my readers, it is a great way to clear my head and get all the gobble-dee-gook out of it.

I have never claimed to be a good writer or very articulate, but I am committed and try to be coherent and I feel like in the 14 months since I started Letters for Lucas, I have only gotten better.

I sincerely appreciate my loyal followers and all of your comments. The feedback I receive is invaluable, reassuring, kind and wise. Now, it seems I write for you too. Please keep the comments coming.

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Guest Post

Posted on November 2, 2009 Written by Tonya

Your aunt Leah was one of the first people that I told I was blogging and she has become a faithful reader and commenter (!). My posts have spawned several in depth conversations between us and have brought us closer.

I have asked her if she would like to be a guest poster from time to time and here is her first message to you:

November 2, 2009

Dear Lucas,

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time with you and your mom. I went to visit you guys in San Diego a couple weeks ago and just got home from meeting you two in Tucson. Since you were born, almost five short months ago, I try to come visit at least once a month. These visits usually land on a holiday of some kind or another event. I came to San Diego last week because Thursday, October 15 marked the 2 year anniversary since your mom’s and my parents passed away. We would like to always be together on this day. I am sure by now, you have heard all about your Grandma and Grandpa Adams .

Your Grandma and Grandpa loved children and loved making them laugh. They would have surely enjoyed making you giggle! They were very loving people and whenever I was with them, I felt love. It’s hard to explain but I really did feel that way when I was around them. Your grandparents also loved hugging and kissing. They were incredible parents and would have had a lot of love to give you. I am deeply sorry that you missed out on meeting them but I hope through our stories you will grow to know them and love them just the same. They would have been so proud of your mom. They were very excited to see her as a mother.

Nothing can describe how happy I feel to be able to spend all this time with you two. You make me very happy and have the unique power to instantly cheer me up! I swear its true! I seem to have the fun ability to make you smile with my goofy voices and my facial expressions. I am thankful to you that whenever I am feeling sad I look at a picture of you and I’m reminded of how much love there is now in our family.

Well, until my next blog, Lucas, all my love! I am sure that I’ll be seeing you very soon!

Love,

Your aunt, Leah

Thanks for being my first guest poster, Leah and for your kind words.

Until next time, the best is yet to be.

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My ipod Has Schizophrenia

Posted on October 14, 2009 Written by Tonya

I believe that everything is better with music and I love all different types; from bubble gum pop and jazz to Jay-Z and Radiohead (okay, Radiohead is one of your dad’s favorite bands, not mine, but I do have a two of their songs on my iPod).

Music is an incredibly powerful thing; it has the ability to uplift and motivate like nothing else. Just the right tune can put a smile on my face, a spring in my step, a wish in my heart or tear in my eye. It can make a long boring car ride more bearable and household chores dare I say, more fun to power through. It gives me that little extra something to go another few minutes on the treadmill.

I play music for you everyday. I have 15 days or 5316 songs on my iPod, so there is A LOT to choose from. My Essential playlist (otherwise known as the playlist of music I would have to have were I ever to find myself stranded on a deserted island and could only take one playlist), which you have probably listened to the most, includes 100 of my all time favorite songs. It is as eclectic as the rest of my music library. The first 10 songs are:

1. Ghost In You – The Psychedelic Furs
2. Rump Shaker – Wreckx-N-Effect
3. Melissa – The Allman Brothers Band
4. Anna Begins – Counting Crows
5. Love – Matt White
6. Peek-A-Boo – Sioxsie and the Banshees
7. Theme from “A Summer Place” – The Lettermen
8. Hallelujah – k.d. lang
9. Pig – Dave Matthews Band
10. Crazy – Patsy Cline

Each song is gorgeous, haunting and fun in their own special way. I think you can figure out which is which. 🙂

Music to me is like the sense of smell for others. It helps trigger a memory and hearing a certain song can bring me right back to that moment in time. For example, “Drive” by The Cars was my first slow dance, “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star was the song playing on the radio when I got into my first(!) car accident, “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure will always remind me of dancing the night away in Newport Beach with my college roommate and our boyfriends, “You are the Sunshine of My Life” by Stevie Wonder is the song my sister sang at my wedding and “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer will always make me think of my dad. Actually, a lot of songs remind me of my dad, but that one in particular. He couldn’t get enough of the video featuring the scantily clad long legged chicks.

I am not a very good dancer, but I can carry a tune and you sure seem to like it when I start to move and groove and belt out with the chorus. I hope I am instilling in you an appreciation for music, if not a move or two you may bust out later in life.

The best is yet to be.

Family

Posted on October 10, 2009 Written by Tonya

Family is so important.

Growing up, I didn’t spend very much time with my extended family. My father’s father died before I was born and his mother died when I was seven. On my mother’s side, her parents died while I was in college and her brother just after I graduated from college. I certainly remember a few visits with them, as well as cousins, aunts and uncles, but not nearly as many I should.

Living overseas like we did, it was difficult for my parents to “make the rounds” to see everyone during the summertime when we would be stateside. Now that I’m older and especially now that I have a child of my own, I wish they had made it a greater priority.

After my parents died, I realized how out of touch I had become with my extended family and it made me very sad. I have been trying to make up for it by reaching out more. Thanks to Facebook, I have reconnected with all of my cousins and I make a point of calling my aunts and uncles as often as I can. I know they all feel guilty too, but it happens…distance, schedules, work obligations, life.

Families are our history, our present and our future. They connect us. They divide us. I want you to know your family and spend as much time with them as you can.

Earlier this week your grandparents were in town for their fifth visit and right now my aunt and uncle (one of my father’s older brothers and his wife) are here. While being around them is bittersweet because almost everything my uncle says or does makes me miss my own father, I am so delighted that they are here. They are your family.

The best is yet to be.

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For My Broken Heart

Posted on August 31, 2009 Written by Tonya

The last time I saw my parents alive was the day after my wedding, Sunday, August 5, 2007.

My sister and I choose to remember them most on October 15, the day we were notified of their passing.

Sometime between Friday, October 12, 2007 at 8:00 PM and Saturday, October 13, 2007 at 8:00 AM they died of carbon monoxide poisoning.

They were 61 and 58 respectively…too young to die.

My parents lived overseas and dedicated their lives to working at American international schools around the globe for 28 years. My father was the principal of a kindergarten through 12th grade school in Tunis, Tunisia and my mother was a third grade teacher. They died in Tunisia.

For those of you who don’t know, carbon monoxide is odorless, colorless and is the second-leading cause of poisoning deaths in the U.S. Carbon monoxide poisoning claims nearly 500 lives and another 15,000 require emergency room treatment. It can kill you before you know it because you can’t see it, smell it, or taste it. A water heater vent was damaged in my parent’s kitchen and it emitted carbon monoxide into their home killing them.

It’s hard to be the one left behind to pick up the pieces, ask the unanswerable questions and it’s ridiculous to walk around angry at an inanimate object.

Most of the time I just feel robbed.

My parents were anything but done with this life.One week to the day before their bodies were found, they had decided to retire and return to their stateside home in Arizona. They were anxious to see my sister, Leah who had recently graduated from college, start her life and begin building a career, they looked forward to us both having grandchildren (they would have been amazing grandparents and would have completely adored and doted on Lucas and had a long list of things they wanted to do to their home and trips they were excited to take. It’s unfair that they were taken from us too soon. I miss them every single day and ache to hear their voices again.

I’m mostly sorry that my son will never get to meet them in the physical sense.

I hope between me, my sister, my husband and others that knew them well, Lucas will know them in a different way.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I will forever believe that the best is yet to be.

Thoughts Shared With A Friend

Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend on Thursday, May 14, 2009 (one month before your due date):

I can’t believe that I’ll be a mommy a month from now, if not sooner! At my last OB appointment I was told our little guy could make his appearance up to eleven days early (!) based on his size. I am still planning to deliver vaginally and without drugs, so I hope he doesn’t get much bigger!! I’ll be nine months along on Saturday.

I think I’m ready for this adventure…sort of. His room is finally done and all of his clothes, towels and sheets have been washed, we have taken the classes and have what I am sure is way too much stuff. I mean, for God’s sake, how many onesies do we need? Not to mention spit rags and wash cloths?! It’s crazy. T. will put together his bassinet this weekend, which we plan on having in our room for the first few months, as I will be breast feeding and it will make it easier on me and everything else will hopefully fall into place when and as it should.

Emotionally, I’m not quite there yet. I like him being inside me where I can protect him 100% and I’m starting to worry about being alone with him and knowing how to meet his needs, once T. goes back to work, my sister has left and so has my dear, sweet, generous friend, S. I don’t know if I have mentioned her to you before, but I have known S. for 10 years and worked with her at two different companies. She has two grown children, four grandchildren and is one of my very best friends. S. has offered to come stay with us for a few days once we bring the baby home and I know she will be a Godsend!! It’s what happens after she leaves that I guess I’m trying to get my head and heart wrapped around….the fact that my world as I know it, is about to change FOREVER and that’s a very scary thought.

Being pregnant and being this close to delivery makes me miss my own parents and realize on a much deeper level how much they loved me and cared for me and worried about me. I wish they were here. They would have been wonderful grandparents. I am in the process of making a little book for the baby with 5×7 laminated head shots of our immediate family; Grandma and Grandpa A. included. We want our son to know all about them and how much they would have loved him. It’s turning out really well and hopefully will be a treasured item.

I also have these insane visions of yanking off his arm while trying to dress him or watching him fall on the floor. Ludicrous, I know, but not completely impossible!

My back has started to ache a lot in the last week and there’s not much I can do to alleviate the pain. Walking helps, so I do that a lot!

Well, you can clearly tell where my head is at these days….24/7 baby!

I think it’s interesting (and rather sad) to note that I don’t talk to this “friend” very much anymore. I certainly didn’t get the response from her that I was looking for, not that I thought I would or could, we were and are in totally different places in our lives right now. She is footloose and fancy free, AKA single and looking and I’m a mommy.

The best is yet to be.

No Words

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