depression

Hold On My Heart

Posted on July 22, 2013 Written by Tonya

Hold on my heart

We can do this.

There have been high expectations.

We have fought the good fight. Repeatedly.

We’ve lost. Repeatedly.

Just hold on to that feeling

You have been cracked wide open, turned inside out and put back together again.

You have been brought to your knees with grief.

You have willed yourself to get out of bed in the morning; to just keep it together.

We both know we’ve been here before

The fortress is sky high around you.

But, I have to protect you.

Or do I?

Clam up, push, walk away, avoid confrontation; anything to prevent truly exploring the feelings.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I need to keep it safe, bottled up.

We both know what can happen

And where has it got me, all this careful protection?

Guarding my heart and closing up tight does not shield me from being hurt. In fact, it does just the opposite.

There is no way to insulate from pain.

Hold on my heart

Pain is a regular part of life and if we love deeply and move through our life with conviction, determination and passion, we can be hurt deeply.

It’s a risk.

Throw me a lifeline

But a good one to take.

I can do this.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I can definitely do this.

Hold On My Heart lyrics by Michael Rutherford, Phil Collins, and Tony Banks.

Limbo

Posted on April 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m in that place.

That place between here and there.

That place where tension headaches live day after day.

That place that leaves you tossing and turning night after night.

That place where the thoughts in your head are way louder than they should ever be.

I’m stuck in a state of being lost and confused, anxious and disconnected.

That place where smiles are few and far between.

That place where you function as if on autopilot, just drifting through your life.

That place where there are too many unknowns and uncertainties, unsure whether I’m coming or going, unsettled.

It’s as though I’m living half a life with one foot firmly planted in joy and hope for a bright full future and one cemented in chaos, tough decisions, worry and tears. I’m split right down the middle and quartered into sections.

That place? It’s not a good place.

Limbo sucks.

Five

Posted on October 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

Today is an anniversary but there is no cause for celebration.

Today marks five chances to ring in a New Year,

five missed Mother’s Day brunches,

five Father’s Day barbeques,

five World Series games,

five Christmas mornings,

one very special birth.

Birthdays, holidays and other milestone days are painful reminders of who is missing from my life and there is no distraction grand enough to avert my attention.

In the days and weeks following a loved one’s death, people tend to say things like, “give it time, it will get easier.” Five years later and I don’t think people will ever know exactly what to say to me when it comes to losing my parents. There truly are no magic words that I know of, except perhaps “you can wake up now, it was all a bad dream”.

The ironic thing is that it actually does get easier with time. Time is a gift for those left behind. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it helps.

Five years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, all consuming grief, but within the little things, where grief hides, that hit me when I least expect it. These are the moments when I realize I am slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me. I make a conscious attempt to replay poignant moments in my mind in an effort to hold on; anything to hold the memories close.

My mom and dad live on in me, my sister and Lucas but the hole in my heart will forever be present. Forever gaping and raw.

After five years I am still grieving.

The Yucky Side

Posted on July 30, 2012 Written by Tonya

I don’t like this version of myself…

the one that sets expectations impossibly too high and then wonders why she is disappointed each and every time.

the one that lashes out and fails to communicate because she has her own agenda and refuses to let anyone derail her.

the one that is curt, short and rude for no good reason.

the one that likes to avoid conflict at all costs and will become quiet and withdrawn instead of address what’s on her mind.

the one that shakes out of anger, swears and bitches to others instead of facing the root of the problem.

the one that looses control, feels completely spent, desperate to be understood and in tears with a pounding headache.

the one that runs out of patience before any real work has begun.

the one that lets her inner demons get the best of her, throws willpower and self control out the window and ends up feeling sorry for herself.

the hardheaded, difficult to please version.

the one that is uncertain, weak and anything but sure footed.

the one that over reacts and can have volatile and immature outbursts when things don’t go her way.

I don’t like this version of myself.

Luckily, there are many sides to me.

Just One Day

Posted on March 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

I need a day of unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and no bra.

Just one day.

I need 24 hours in my favorite jammies, hiding out in the comfort of my bed, drifting in and out of sleep while watching bad TV.

Just one day.

I don’t want to separate darks from whites, build Lego towers, visit the supermarket or wear a brave face.

Just one day.

I want to be snarky and rude and drown my sorrows in a big juicy cheese burger, French fries and chocolate shake, all of which I’ll surely regret.

Just one day.

I want to completely unplug, letting phone calls, e-mails and text messages go unanswered.

Just one day.

I need a day to be still, silent, curse the universe, wonder why me, feel sorry for myself and sob.

Just one day.

I want to regroup, sort through my feelings and find solace knowing that every cloud has a silver lining and that tomorrow is a brand new day.

Holiday Blues

Posted on December 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Do you ever feel melancholy during the holidays?

Have you ever wondered how (or why) those around you are so merry and bright?

I do and periodically it makes me want to push cheerful types right into oncoming traffic.

I think it’s pretty common to get the blues this time of the year, or at least I hope so. Well, maybe not the pushing part.

There’s a lot of pressure that comes with the holiday season: over commercialization that begins the day after Halloween, finding the perfect gifts, figuring out to pay for them, taking the perfect photo for your family holiday card, getting them in the mail, decorating your home top to bottom, creating (or maintaining) all those warm and wonderful traditions, etc., etc., etc.

The holidays also mark the end of the year and maybe you haven’t accomplished all that you had hoped to and that’s a tough realization.

This time of the year is meant to be spent with your loved ones, but perhaps you live miles apart and can’t be together or they are no longer with us and the memory of them is easier to conjure.

Maybe there are other reasons that are contributing to your sadness; financial hardship, family feuds, frustrations at work, no job to speak of, it’s too cold, or no special “someone” in your life.

My losses and heartaches are no different than yours, but during this time of the year when To Do lists are long and patience is short, they are a little too close to the surface.

I know that this overwhelming feeling will soon pass and nothing will be sweeter than turning the page on the calendar to a fresh new year full of possibilities.

In the meantime, I am trying not to overindulge or run myself ragged, doing my best to keep up with my exercise routine and taking on each task one at a time. Trust me, I am NOT always this productive.

Whatever your woes, try to find something this holiday season to make you smile and press on. It’ll be over soon and you don’t want to miss it!

Would this help?

Do you experience holiday blues? How do you manage your stress level?

Right On Ludington

Posted on March 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

I don’t know why I did it.

I wouldn’t normally consider myself a stalker.

Yet, I found myself drawn to the mid-sized maroon Saturn for several blocks.

The young woman driving the car was crying.

Sobbing, in fact.

At stop lights she would wipe her eyes, blow her nose and wail. It was a sunny day and both of our driver-side windows were down and I could feel her pain.

She was oblivious to anyone around her. Why is it when we are in our cars we believe we are alone and safe from the outside world?

I continued to follow her.

I was intrigued.

What would make her weep like that and where was she going?

Did she just lose her job? A loved one? Was she mourning the loss of a relationship? Did she find out she was pregnant or maybe not any more? Perhaps she had received medical results of another kind and the prognosis was grim? Maybe it was as simple as a poignant song that came on the radio and weeks of tension were finally being released as she quietly sang along. Whatever it was, my heart went out to her.

Why?

Because I’ve been that woman.

When the Saturn turned right on Ludington Street, I kept going straight giving her the space she deserved.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, RemembeRED. This week’s prompt was to imagine you are meeting someone for the first time. You want to tell them about yourself. Instead of reciting a laundry list of what you do or where you’re from, describe a scene from your life that best illustrates your true self.

In Treatment

Posted on October 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

I have been dreading writing about this because I haven’t got my head fully wrapped around it yet, so please bear with me and as always, any words of advice and/or comfort that you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Shortly after my parents died, I was somewhat desperate to help my sister find a psychologist to help her with her grief and in the process contacted a doctor that I saw for a while leading up to and after my divorce from my first husband.

I still feel bamboozled by her receptionist when she asked me “what about you?”. To which, I of course replied, “what do you mean, ‘what about me’?”.

Before I knew it I was seeing the good doctor again once a week for almost a year, half a dozen times leading up to Lucas’ arrival and it’s now been eight months since my last appointment.

I need her again.

I am a big proponent of therapy. I believe working with a professional can help provide insight, support and new strategies for all types of life challenges. In the past it has helped me immensely and I am lucky to have a doctor that I trust and respect. Dr. K. is a family therapist and specializes in family and marital counseling, stress management and grief.

Since spring, I haven’t been myself and it’s time to do something about it.

I’m moodier than usual, short tempered, forgetful, disheveled, anxious and confused. I sound like a toddler, huh?

Depression is a real illness and while I have never been clinically diagnosed as “depressed”, I have a laundry list of reasons for why I might be. It could be because it’s October now, which is a hard month for being the anniversary of my parents deaths, if I’m, as I’ve shared before, still getting used to my (not so) new role of mother, if I’m struggling with my summer miscarriage, or more than likely a combination of all three and a bunch of other junk too. Whatever IT is, I don’t like feeling this way and I am anxious to get back in treatment.

I’m no good at “faking it” or keeping my feelings at bay. They come out in the strangest ways and don’t want my negativity to ever affect Lucas. Not to mention, I have too much goodness in my life to feel this way.

My first appointment is next week and I have two additional appointments after that. From time to time, when appropriate I’ll update you. In the meantime, your good thoughts are welcome. Let the self discovery and growth begin.

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This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo!hosted by the self proclaimed Nerd Mafia: Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is bamboozled.

Hold On My Heart

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