character

A Walking Contradiction – NaBloPoBo

Posted on November 6, 2015 Written by Tonya

I take a handful of vitamins with a swig of Diet Coke.

I follow up a killer workout with a fast food lunch.

I despise everything Kardashian but will click on a link to see how Kim has “broken the Internet” (again).

I long to be a minimalist but can’t get rid of sentimental mementos I’ve been holding onto for years.

I’m both quiet and shy and loud and outgoing.

I claim to dislike Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato and yet somehow know the lyrics to their songs when they are played on the radio.

I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator.

I love apples but can’t stand apple pie or apple sauce.

I have to exercise almost daily but when it comes to dropping and picking my son off at soccer practice, which is only four blocks from our house, I insist on driving.

I want to be noticed and appreciated, yet hate attention.

I’m predictably unpredictable.

I am spiritual but consider myself agnostic.

I support animal rights but I eat meat.

I HATE using the TV as a babysitter, but will be the first to put the children in front of it (as a last resort) if I need a breather! Of course, parenting is full of do as I say, not as I do moments, isn’t it?

Illustrated by @theblacklinebylauren

Life is messy, chaotic and so are people.

Contradiction is part of being human and the only way to avoid being a walking contradiction would be to deny the pieces of myself that don’t fit nicely into designated slots someone else believes they should.

I can’t limit myself that way. And neither can you. Even if one action or practice contradicts another. Being happy on the inside is all that matters.

I say, go on, contradict yourself! There are no limits.

Snowflakes

Posted on December 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

Together, Todd and I were enough and then we had Lucas.

Our son made us a family.

We desperately wanted a sibling for him and after a three year struggle with secondary infertility, we were finally able to give him one.

Our baby girl made our family complete.

A sibling is there to share secrets and face life’s greatest moments. But why I ever thought two children born to the same parents, raised in the same way would be alike is beyond me.

My sister and I are as different as night and day but I always thought it was because of the almost 12 year age difference between us. We were practically raised as only children and didn’t became close until we were adults. I have faced the best and worst life events with her by my side.

I have known many siblings and they are different from one another too but I never really thought why.

Now that I have two children I realize how unique siblings are from one another. Lucas and Lola are their own individual people with personalities and characteristics that are continuing to develop and while they do share genetics, they are very different.

So different.

So wonderful.

Just like snowflakes.

At only 10 1/2 months and 5 1/2 years old, I can already see how different my children are from one another.

Complex.

Delicate.

One of a kind.

Magical.

And always will they be siblings.

Kindergarten Is Big Time

Posted on September 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas has been in preschool or PreK since he was two years old, but Kindergarten is different.

Kindergarten is BIG time.

Our family had a lot of fun getting ready for the BIG day over the summer.

Periodically, my husband and I both checked in with him… And not once did Lucas express apprehension or nerves over a new school, having to make new friends, or what a huge milestone this was/is to his parents.

I stocked up on collared shirts a size larger than last year, crisp white socks and undies and two new pairs of sneakers. The kitchen was full of all his favorite foods; jars of peanut butter, ripe but not too ripe bananas, grapes, strawberry-flavored Go-Gurts, baby carrots and garlic humus.

I was so anxious the night before making sure we had separate labeled bags for his snack and lunch, double checking all the reuseable water bottles had matching lids and that we had a change of clothes AND shoes, a favorite blanket for rest time and that his first day clothes were laid out.

We also talked about Lucas’s goals for the upcoming school year and wrote them down so that we/he, once he accomplished #1 could revisit them from time to time. I think he is more than capable of achieving each and every one:

We are 10 days into the new school year and Lucas is as enthusiastic as he was all summer. He’s more tired at the end of the day than usual, but that’s what a five-day school week will do to a little boy who no longer naps, but he’s buzzing with new ideas and school projects.

Last week he explained sequence to me and brought home a baggie full of liquid polymers that he learned about in science class, together we created a vision writing board and he is very eager for me to plan a play dates with his new friends.

I’m proud of my boy but as a mother, it still shocks the hell of me when I think something is going to bother him or make him fearful and he demonstrates the exact opposite. I hope things continue to go so smoothly for him but I’ll be ready if we encounter any hiccups.

10 Things I Love About My Son

Posted on August 1, 2013 Written by Tonya

When it comes to our children, we all think we’ve hit the jackpot… Our kids are the cutest, sweetest, smartest and most well-behaved and everyone else’s aren’t. And while that be so in own little delusional worlds, when it comes to my kid, there are a few things that I am really grateful for that Lucas is/does/doesn’t do/has:

10. He has never EVER been a screamer. THANK GOD!!

9. Despite being a very picky eater, he has always been a very neat eater, who doesn’t like using his hands and wipes his mouth with a napkin almost after every bite.

8. He may not always go to sleep at his bedtime, but he can entertain himself (usually by looking at books, amusement park maps and catalogs) by himself until he falls asleep and the typical requests for water, snacks, extra cuddles, just five more minutes, etc. are at a minimum.

7. He has WAY more patience than I do when it comes to waiting in lines, waiting in doctor’s offices and getting stuck in traffic. He just accepts it.

6. He has his dad’s sense of humor… very dry and expression filled. He knows how to bring the funny and keep you on your toes.

5. He has the makings of a true humanitarian displaying genuine concern about other people and their well-being. If he overhears me talk about a sick friend, days later he will ask me how they are doing.

4. He is social and wants to meet and talk to new people and make friends.

3. He is crazy inquisitive and the questions he comes up with and the connections he makes and the details he retains blow my mind daily.

2. His blue eyes make me melt. They are bight and beautiful and are a direct reflection of my own and my father’s, which I have written about before here.

1. He’s happy. He wakes up smiling and goes to bed smiling. Sure he has his moments (he’s still only four) and we definitely butt heads from time to time, but for the most part, he is really easy going (another trait he most certainly got from his dad).

I honestly don’t know what I ever did to deserve such an amazing and special blessing. I love this kid to pieces and I could come up with hundreds of qualities, quirks and special characteristics that I adore about him.

What are your favorite things about your child?

Back To Basics

Posted on March 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

From the time I was 17 on, I only saw my parents 3-4 times a year. They worked and lived overseas while I was in boarding school and then college in Arizona. Our time together was precious and never long enough. I believe they made up for the distance, the absence and maybe a sense of abandonment they felt by showering me with material things and checks.

For a while, I liked it.

A lot.

What greedy teenager wouldn’t?

I would pine for something and get it. I will be the first to admit I was spoiled and still have selfish tendencies because of it.

But there came a moment, sometime around my Sophomore year of college that I didn’t like the “gifts” and even began refusing the checks my father would try to hand me with tears in his eyes at the airport upon saying goodbye.

It started to feel like guilt money. I tried to explain my feelings, but they said I was being crazy.

I swore I wouldn’t do this to my children.

Funny how as parents we do that a lot, huh?

In the weeks leading up to our recent move and as we have been settling in, I have overindulged Lucas with more treats and cars and other toys than I care to fess up to. I wanted the transition to be a smooth one for him and I thought the gifts would help. He’s done fantastic. Of course. All he really cares about is that his family; mommy, daddy, puppy and fishy are all together under the same roof.

I have had to bring Lucas along with me to dozens of doctor’s appointments in the last few months and when he waits patiently (WAY more patient than I ever am) by my side, I feel the need to reward him with the toys he asks for. All he really cares about is spending time with mommy.

I learned a long time ago that I cannot take Lucas with me to the supermarket, Target or any other establishment that sells toys because he gets a terrible case of the gimmes and I fall prey each and every time, buying him more crap he doesn’t really need.

The stuff is not only a waste of money, it’s a poor excuse for my love and praise and he doesn’t need a million toys. I know there’s a I want him to have a better childhood than I did thing going on, but the truth is I had a full and rich childhood and I wanted for nothing. I was blessed.

I need to break this cycle now and get more creative with my affections. I need to learn to say no and not be so weak and cave when he says please, Mommy in that sweet little boy voice I know will soon change.

His dad and I do our best to teach our son about gratitude and being thankful for the things he has but my continuous buying doesn’t help.

It’s hard when everything is a negotiation with a three year old and you want to give him the world and that’s why I have decided starting Monday, April 1, because Sunday is Easter and I have already made up an Easter basket for Lucas, I am going to go on a one month, no buying strike. No toys, no games, no Matchbox cars, no packages of Micro Drifters, no sweets, no books, no plastic junk. I will post updates here on my progress.

We are going to rediscover toys Lucas already has and spend quality time together playing games and visiting the library and parks and having good old fashioned play dates. We are going to get back to basics and I will be weak no more. Wish me luck!

Model Student

Posted on February 26, 2013 Written by Tonya

Instead of catching up on e-mail, playing Words with Friends or chatting with the other mothers while Lucas was in his recent My Gym class, I watched him for the entire hour.

I watched the confident way he carried himself and his friendly interaction with his classmates and teachers and I don’t think I have ever been prouder.

Not only did he tumble, jump, twirl and dance, he waited patiently for his turn to walk across the balance beam and somersault down the inclined mat.

I watched him cheer his classmates on with encouraging, “you can do it!” and “that was awesome!”.

I watched him look to his instructors for approval and smile brightly at me from across the room.

I watched him make space on the mat for others and beamed at his enthusiastic, “ta-da”, the gym’s mantra. Talk about heart melting! He was so proud of himself.

I watched him hold on with all his might on the high bar barely completing three chin lifts, but he did it!

I watched him stifle his laughter while climbing across a rope ladder and heard him squeal with pure delight on the mini zip line. The thumb’s up her gave me upon reaching the opposite wall was priceless.

There are moments in motherhood, rare and magical that make all the frustration, worry and hard work worthwhile, moments when you just know in your gut you’ve got a great kid and you’re doing okay as a parent and this was definitely one of them for me.

Lucas had fun, was polite and courteous and tried his very best. What more could a mother ask for?

Sentimental Value

Posted on September 7, 2012 Written by Tonya

Sentimental clutter is the adult equivalent of a teddy bear.

– Ellen Madere

I don’t like to shop all that much, I have what I need plus a few extras. My closet isn’t bursting at the seams with articles of clothing I never wear. I’m good about purging. If I haven’t worn an item in two years, it goes to goodwill or the garage sale pile.

My shoes are kept in boxes and are organized by style and color.

Lucas has a space of his own in our home and so does Charlie, our new puppy. My husband has an entire room to himself, granted it has a treadmill and spin bike in the middle of it, but aside from exercising in there, I steer clear.

The rest of our house is orderly too, everything has a place. There is very minimal clutter laying around, apart from weekly mail, monthly magazines I know I’ll never get to and things for me to file.

And therein lies my problem… my confession of the day. I file everything! I keep things. As far back as I can remember, I have kept tubs and files of stuff. Stupid stuff.

I save ticket (movie, concert and airline) stubs, playbills and maps, restaurant business cards and museum brochures.

I have a hard time getting rid of wedding invitations, birth announcements, thank you cards, letters and birthday greetings.

I hesitate to throw away any of Lucas’ artwork, so I place each and every page in sheet protectors and keep them all together in big three-ring binders.

I’m reluctant to delete photographs and if you follow me on Instagram, you know I take a butt load of photos! They aren’t quite as well organized as the rest of my stuff, but I keep every singe one.

I struggle almost daily with letting go of junk.

It’s all junk.

I’m not exactly hoarder material, though my husband might disagree, but I definitely have difficulty parting with these sentimental mementos.

Sentimental to no one but me.

It has gotten to the point where it is really starting to bother me and make me mad at myself.

I like to think I’m a rational person, I realize I lived the event and have the memory tucked away in my heart and mind, so what’s my problem?

I doubt Lucas is going to ever care about the things in the overloaded French memo board in his bedroom, things I’ve been keeping on his behalf. Is he?

It’s not like I sit around with my tubs of scraps of paper and relive my experiences. Even if I had the time, I wouldn’t do that. And yet, I am faced with the challenge of throwing away things I’m not all that attached to.

Any advice, or maybe a confession of your own?

Three

Posted on August 29, 2012 Written by Tonya

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Three is tough.

Three is really tough.

I had been told that the terrible twos had nothing on the horrible threes, but I had no idea how rough it was going to be.

A perfect family outing can turn sour in the blink of an eye.

A pleasant dinner can end in tears and refusal to eat before you have a chance to say, “please pass the pepper”.

Quiet snuggle time and stories at bedtime can lead to World War III.

Three year old’s can be unruly, unpredictable and unwavering.

They are loud and throw animalistic temper tantrums over minutia.

They are cheeky and disrespectful, cunning and quick.

One minute cute and adorable, engaging and fun and the next he’s the Terminator and out for blood.

From the day he turned three, Lucas, an already very willful child, became a professional terror, especially when temperatures are on the rise, a nap hasn’t been had, he has an empty tummy or has heard the word “no” one too many times.

His father and I became professional negotiators, peace keepers, patience seekers and silent 1 to 10 counters. We are a good team and can tell when the other needs a break.

Time outs, taking toys and other privileges away don’t always work. Neither does yelling. Yelling always makes it worse.

Sometimes we give in.

Sometimes we become short order cooks or we gather our belongings and get up and leave with a kicking and screaming child batting us in the head, we have long discussions about behavior and patience with both one another and our son. We try to teach Lucas what is acceptable and what is not, right from wrong and are learning to say “no” with finesse.

We fall into bed each night exhausted, pray that we made the right choices and are parenting as best as we can and have high hopes that tomorrow is a better day.

Every now and then, but more often than not, we receive heartfelt apologies from our sweet boy, tender “I love you’s” full of remorse and it makes all the horrid worthwhile.

My Best Side

Posted on August 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

July sucked.

I was SO happy to turn the page on my calendar yesterday. Yes, there were some memorable moments, but for the most part I am more than ready to move on. July really brought out the worst in me.

I wrote a post earlier this week called The Yucky Side, where I shared just that; all the super crappy qualities about myself.

As I ring in a new month, I want to share the good stuff. I figure, new month, new attitude!

I like this version of myself…

the one that says she’ll do something and 9 out of 10 times does.

the one that is energetic and enthusiastic, ready to do just about anything at least once.

the one that asks poignant questions with genuine curiosity and waits to hear and process the answers before wanting to know more.

the one that sends cards and text messages to friends just to “check in” or let them know she’s thinking about them.

the one that no matter how many times she gets knocked down, always seeks the silver lining, picks herself up and keeps going.

the one that can laugh at herself, knows she’s a terrible dancer but can carry a tune.

the one that and usually learns from her mistakes and passes her wisdom on to others.

the one that would never let a friend cry alone, gets choked up at Hallmark commercials, tender innocent comments her son makes, breathtaking sunsets and a lyric in a Dave Matthews song.

the one that has the ability to multitask like no one she’s ever met, organize absolutely anything and basically knows how to get shit done.

the one that is well-rounded, interested in a variety of topics and able to hold a conversation with just about anyone.

the one that is dependable, reliable, will never lie and would drop everything to come to your aid if you’re her friend.

the one that is confident but will never put on airs or pretend to be something she is not.

the one that is strong, tough, not afraid to sweat, get her hands dirty and will go the extra mile (literally and figuratively).

the one that is passionate about reading and finds true relaxation and escape in books and will always pass on her favorites to friends.

the one that is determined, focused and willing to stand up for for she believes in.

I am human and there are many sides to me.

Thank goodness.

Have you ever fully realized that life is, after all, merely a series of habits, and that it lies entirely within one’s own power to determine just what that series shall be? ~ Ralph W. Trine

The Yucky Side

Posted on July 30, 2012 Written by Tonya

I don’t like this version of myself…

the one that sets expectations impossibly too high and then wonders why she is disappointed each and every time.

the one that lashes out and fails to communicate because she has her own agenda and refuses to let anyone derail her.

the one that is curt, short and rude for no good reason.

the one that likes to avoid conflict at all costs and will become quiet and withdrawn instead of address what’s on her mind.

the one that shakes out of anger, swears and bitches to others instead of facing the root of the problem.

the one that looses control, feels completely spent, desperate to be understood and in tears with a pounding headache.

the one that runs out of patience before any real work has begun.

the one that lets her inner demons get the best of her, throws willpower and self control out the window and ends up feeling sorry for herself.

the hardheaded, difficult to please version.

the one that is uncertain, weak and anything but sure footed.

the one that over reacts and can have volatile and immature outbursts when things don’t go her way.

I don’t like this version of myself.

Luckily, there are many sides to me.

A Walking Contradiction – NaBloPoBo

Related Posts:

Snowflakes

Related Posts:

Kindergarten Is Big Time

Related Posts:

Back To Basics

Related Posts:

Model Student

Related Posts:

Sentimental Value

Related Posts:

Three

Related Posts:

The Yucky Side

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About