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Text Messages I Never Thought I’d Send (Or Receive)

Posted on September 21, 2009 Written by Tonya

When Lucas was born, one of my friends had a three month old and another was still pregnant with her first. Over the course of those first four months of our being new mommies, the text messages between us were indicative of what we were going through, the highs and lows of being new parents and the wonder and mystery of very uncharted territory. Thank goodness for our friends!

Some of these are to and from Todd as well.

These are definitely texts I never thought I’d send or receive:

Already had a poop blow out and got spit up on…it’s going to be a great day! Grr! Sent September 21

My kid is gassing up a storm right now while I feed him. Stinky boy. Received September 18

Seriously, how do you get rid of the stinky milk ring around the neck smell?! Sent September 17

My size 10 jeans are too big…finally! I miss my old body! Sent September 12

I am cracking myself up, I just fed LMW in Bjorn with one hand while I ate a Subway sandwich with the other. I should have had someone take a picture. Sent September 11

I believe my 13 week old just gave me the cold shoulder. Sent September 5

My son has already had three outfits on today and I’m still in my jammies! Sent August 27

LMW was a super star on the plane!! I am so relieved. Sent August 14

Back in my old bra size today! Yay!! Sent August 13

I wish my hair would just stop coming out. This is nuts. 6 months of it! Received August 11

I almost just donated your son to Goodwill!! He has been screaming for 15 minutes and counting! Sent August 6

It’s amazing how with LMW a trip to Chipotle can turn into a drive through Del Taco. Received August 1

I just got my first “real” smile. My heart is melting. Sent July 22

Just got spit up between my toes! Sent July 20

LMW just had the biggest poop blow out that I cut his onesie off and threw it away! Ah, the joys of mommyhood. Sent July 16

LMW has officially outgrown his newborn diapers! Sent July 8

It’s almost 4:30 and I just got around to brushing my teeth! This new parent thing is tough. Sent June 22

Alone with Lucas for the first time today. So far so good… Sent June 16

Our living room looks like a Babies R Us! Sent June 13

Happy circumcision day! Received June 11

I feel like I have been let in on one of the world’s greatest kept secrets: parenthood! Sent June 11

I Used To Carry A Designer Purse

Posted on September 20, 2009 Written by Tonya

Before becoming a mom, I used to carry a designer purse. My favorite designer purses are Coach purses and I have at least ten of them. I also have two beautiful Frederic T handbags from Paris, a gorgeous Kate Spade and Louis Vuitton that I paid way too much for, a knock off Chanel all the way from the streets of Bangkok and several trendy bags from Target, Old Navy and Nine West.

I love purses and back when I used to use one, I would switch them out depending on what I was wearing, the season, my mood, or what I needed to carry. I miss my purses. I miss the versatility and completion my purses add to my wardrobe and the ample amount of space they provide, allowing me to carry whatever I need.

Now, I carry a diaper bag….the very hip Skip Hop Dash Deluxe messenger-style diaper bag, as seen above, but I miss my purses.

There is a lot of room in our diaper bag for your essentials, but not a lot of room for mine. In other words, I had to (gulp) downsize. I used to be able to carry everything from band aids, safety pins and the current book I was reading to a note pad, Tide Stick and mirror. Sadly, those six items (along with all of my frequent shopper cards) were the first to go.

Now, I have a small corner in your bag for a clutch wallet that is busting at the seams with all the items I can’t leave home without…my bare necessities: money and credit cards, chap stick, hair tie, gum and phone. My, how times have changed.

I really do like our diaper bag and highly recommend it new moms. The new fall line of Coach bags is worth checking out too! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the leather Brooke bag and someday, I would love to own a legendary Hermès Kelly handbag, named after Grace Kelly, but for now I can live with the contents in my corner.

The best is yet to be.

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Lost And Found

Posted on September 13, 2009 Written by Tonya

I haven’t written in a few days because I took you to visit your grandparents in the Bay Area. They are completely, head over heels in love with you and we had a good trip. You were relatively well-behaved, considering you were taken out of your everyday routine and environment and are already turning out to be an awesome traveler with three flights under you belt! Our trip is not what I wanted to write about today.

Today marks the one year anniversary since I worked. I can’t believe it! Time truly does fly and I wanted to take pause and try to express some of the mixed feelings I have about reaching this milestone and about the year behind me.

When I gave my four weeks notice, I did so for very specific reasons and then two months later I learned I was five weeks pregnant with you. The reasons I originally had for quitting my marketing manager position at a trade magazine company changed completely and for the better.

What follows is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend dated Saturday, July 26, 2008. Obviously, this e-mail was sent before I became pregnant with you. I include it here because I feels it outlines my original reasons for deciding to take some time off.

My last day at work will be Friday, September 12. As you can imagine, this was an extremely difficult decision to reach, but the very best one for me right now. It is time for me to be home, spend time with my sister, organize the mounds of paperwork that have consumed my life for the past nine months, get my lawyer to do her bleeping job by helping to close my parents’ estate, tackle numerous projects that I have been avoiding (finally read the sympathy cards and e-mails, books and articles that caring friends have sent, sort through the photographs, preserve, store, or sell my father’s carpet collection, have repair work done on the Arizona house and put it on the market, etc., etc., etc.) and most importantly, face my grief head on, or as one good friend put it, finally “lose my shit!”.

I was lead to this decision because of an epiphany I had earlier in the year, which offered some clarity. I realized that since my parents have been gone, I have been sleep walking through my life. I have been numb, quite possibly still in shock. I haven’t dealt with any of my feelings; I just keep bottling them up and pushing them aside. I am sad, but not mourning. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my day-to-day life and hiding within the safety of my routine. I fear that the longer that I put off “losing my shit”, the harder it will be to find peace. I know that there is no escaping, no “getting over it”, I live with it day and night, with every breath I take and I am as heartbroken today as I was the day I got the call. I need this time to just BE.

I acclimated to my new life as a retired, pregnant person very well. Some days, I was just as busy as I was when I was working 50+ hours a week. I tried to sleep in, lunched with friends, walked, read a ton, visited family in Texas, made several trips to Arizona, had the carpets cleaned, a new BBQ installed, oversaw garage organizers work their magic, researched and ordered baby items until my head was spinning and as I anticipated your arrival, I attempted to grieve the loss of my parents.

I created a fine balance for myself…one day, I would be on the phone with my attorney, reconciling property and bills and funds and having documents notarized and the next I would be wandering around Babies R Us aimlessly overwhelmed with how many different styles of cribs there are to choose from. One day, I would take myself to lunch followed by a long walk on the beach, write in my journal and not talk to a soul (aside from you and your dad, of course!) and the next would be filled an afternoon of grief counseling and an evening with friends.

Having the freedom of waking up and planing my day around whatever I wanted to do, while also working on the things I needed to do was the best part. The lack of a schedule was wonderful for my psyche and emotional well being and I knew I needed to embrace every minute of it.

People often ask/ed me if I miss working and I do, some days. I mostly miss the people I worked with and using “that side” of my brain. I miss being a part of a management team that made decisions about the magazine’s image, promotion and future. I miss being asked for my opinion and contributing to the organization. I miss wearing work clothes (something I NEVER thought I’d said) and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, I miss my 120 mile (round trip) commute. I loved listening to “Mark & Brian” on KLOS in the morning and “John & Ken” on KFI in the afternoons. It was my time to decompress.

When we would talk about having a family, we knew that I would quit my job and stay home with you. That was always a part of the plan and now that you’re here and are over three months old, the thought of having to return to work after being on maternity leave is completely mind boggling. I don’t want anyone else raising you but us.

The bottom line is, I believe that my parents, wherever they may be, had something to do with my becoming pregnant with you. I call it divine intervention, as it was way too easy and the timing of it all, too coincidental to be anything else. We had been half heartedly trying to conceive for a few months, but just figured like with most of our friends, it would take a lot longer than it did. I feel as though it was their way of letting me know that it was okay to move on with my life. Learning of your impending arrival made what could have been a very difficult time period in my life bearable. I felt lost and then found, like the dark cloud that was hanging over my head had been lifted.

The best is yet to be.

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I Miss My Old Body

Posted on September 8, 2009 Written by Tonya

I heard Jenny McCarthy (former Playboy Playmate and MTV game show host turned activist) on The Today Show last week say that it took her a full year to get back into her pre-pregnancy jeans. Of course, she claims to have gained 60 pounds while pregnant to my 34, but I was so discouraged I wanted to cry!

After having given birth, I have a new found respect for my body and all of it’s capabilities. After all, it made a human! While pregnant, I felt physically stronger than ever and more beautiful the bigger I got. I knew my body was performing a miracle–it created, carried, protected and delivered a healthy baby into this world. Fast forward three months later and I am left missing my old body! I miss the size 6 pants and 29 low rise jeans that I use to wear before I was creating a new life. My parts and pieces feel and in some cases, look completely out of place and my post baby belly is so unflattering that I doubt I’ll ever be in a bikini again. How long does it take the linea nigra to fade anyway?

I believe that our society puts a lot of pressure on women to “bounce back” to their pre-pregnancy state, especially when we see celebrities like Jessica Alba and Heidi Klum rocking the red carpet so quickly after giving birth and looking slimmer and more glamorous than before they were pregnant. It’s not fair! No, I’m not delusional, I get it, I realize that looking fantastic is a part of their job and that they have personal chefs and trainers and nannies! The pressure I feel about my body is all my own and I know it’s unhealthy and more than a little ridiculous, considering it was just 13 weeks ago that I gave birth. Nevertheless, it’s there and it’s very real to me.

Nine pounds left to lose before I’m at my pre-pregnancy weight and with a little determination, a lot of diligence and saying no to dessert and beer, I know I’ll get there. I just hate being in this in between state where nothing fits! I’m proud of the fact that I’m back in my old bras (a small victory), even if I’m still wearing my maternity pants.

The best is yet to be.

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Superwoman

Posted on September 4, 2009 Written by Tonya

Before I got pregnant I used to think no matter how many children I had or how busy my life got, I would make it look effortless. My children and home would always look immaculate, well-groomed and put together. I would always look well-groomed and put together, just like I always had. Why would/should that change just because I had a couple of rug rats?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not claiming to be perfect, but I foolishly thought even with children, I would never go without a shower, lunch, or brushing my teeth. A trip to the post office on the corner would never be “too much hassle”, my work outs would become more frequent and more intense, I would always have time for my husband, family, friends, my twice-a-month nail appointments, and would continue to finish my book club book way ahead of schedule; I would still send greeting cards to friends for no reason at all and be witty and clever in all adult conversations; our dish washer would never be full and refrigerator always stocked. I mean, after all, how hard could it be to go to the grocery store with a newborn? Essentially I would still have time for everything. I would find time to do it all. I would be Superwoman!

Ha! Boy, was I in for a very rude awakening! Once you have a child, EVERYTHING CHANGES and your time is no longer your own. No more living selfishly. Priorities change because they have to. Case and point, there have been several days when you went through three or four onesies while I remained in my jammies ALL. DAY. LONG. I’m not proud of this in the least bit, but it is the reality of being a new mom and I am slowly but surely getting my head wrapped around that; I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t be Superwoman.

Now, I tackle only the bare minimum on my “To Do” and what doesn’t get done, doesn’t get done. I am learning how to live with that new reality. If I don’t get to take a shower every day, at least I put on deodorant, I am realizing the value of “date night” through the use of babysitters and I make a point of catching up with friends on the phone during our daily hour long walks. I don’t think I’ve missed any one’s birthday or any other super significant events…yet. I still have 15 thank you cards to send (if you are reading this and you haven’t received one yet, I’m sorry and you will get one…eventually), but I’m doing the best I can, I’m doing it with love and that is everything.

The best is yet to be.

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Thoughts Shared With A Friend

Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend on Thursday, May 14, 2009 (one month before your due date):

I can’t believe that I’ll be a mommy a month from now, if not sooner! At my last OB appointment I was told our little guy could make his appearance up to eleven days early (!) based on his size. I am still planning to deliver vaginally and without drugs, so I hope he doesn’t get much bigger!! I’ll be nine months along on Saturday.

I think I’m ready for this adventure…sort of. His room is finally done and all of his clothes, towels and sheets have been washed, we have taken the classes and have what I am sure is way too much stuff. I mean, for God’s sake, how many onesies do we need? Not to mention spit rags and wash cloths?! It’s crazy. T. will put together his bassinet this weekend, which we plan on having in our room for the first few months, as I will be breast feeding and it will make it easier on me and everything else will hopefully fall into place when and as it should.

Emotionally, I’m not quite there yet. I like him being inside me where I can protect him 100% and I’m starting to worry about being alone with him and knowing how to meet his needs, once T. goes back to work, my sister has left and so has my dear, sweet, generous friend, S. I don’t know if I have mentioned her to you before, but I have known S. for 10 years and worked with her at two different companies. She has two grown children, four grandchildren and is one of my very best friends. S. has offered to come stay with us for a few days once we bring the baby home and I know she will be a Godsend!! It’s what happens after she leaves that I guess I’m trying to get my head and heart wrapped around….the fact that my world as I know it, is about to change FOREVER and that’s a very scary thought.

Being pregnant and being this close to delivery makes me miss my own parents and realize on a much deeper level how much they loved me and cared for me and worried about me. I wish they were here. They would have been wonderful grandparents. I am in the process of making a little book for the baby with 5×7 laminated head shots of our immediate family; Grandma and Grandpa A. included. We want our son to know all about them and how much they would have loved him. It’s turning out really well and hopefully will be a treasured item.

I also have these insane visions of yanking off his arm while trying to dress him or watching him fall on the floor. Ludicrous, I know, but not completely impossible!

My back has started to ache a lot in the last week and there’s not much I can do to alleviate the pain. Walking helps, so I do that a lot!

Well, you can clearly tell where my head is at these days….24/7 baby!

I think it’s interesting (and rather sad) to note that I don’t talk to this “friend” very much anymore. I certainly didn’t get the response from her that I was looking for, not that I thought I would or could, we were and are in totally different places in our lives right now. She is footloose and fancy free, AKA single and looking and I’m a mommy.

The best is yet to be.

Secrets About Parenting

Posted on August 27, 2009 Written by Tonya

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother, but I never stopped to think about what that meant exactly, or just how much work it would entail. I now know being the mother to a newborn is a full time job!

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a Type A personality; I keep lists, I’m always on time, I’m detail oriented, I can multi-task like nobody’s business and I seldom don’t do what I say I’m going to. So when I was pregnant, I went into overdrive! I read all the books, signed my husband and I up for almost 24 hours (!) of parenting classes, researched the latest and greatest in baby products (I had four mothers review our baby registry before making it public) and started spending a lot more time with my mommy friends, in the hopes that not only would some of their parenting wisdom rub off on me, but that I would gain greater insight into the parenting “secret”; the stuff no one wants to reveal for fear that the human race may end because of it. And wouldn’t you know it, they all held out on me! None, I repeat none of my prep work primed me for what was in store.

Aside from the obvious tidbits we all know about becoming parents…sleepless nights, incessant screaming, dirty diapers and the astronomical expense, there is so much more to it than that! There are secrets about parenting…the complete and utter loss of freedom, the trials and errors of swaddling, the “this hurts more than labor and delivery” breast feeding, the gentle negotiation with your partner regarding nighttime feedings, the crazy lint that gets stuck in between your baby’s fingers and toes, the milk ring around his neck that smells worse than anything you have ever smelled before, and the fact that no one has ever looked at you with so much love in their eyes until this baby existed.

The first two weeks we had Lucas, I cried every single day and I know now that it was a combination of longing for and missing my parents who passed away tragically and unexpectantly almost two years ago, a lack of sleep, out of whack hormones, the realization that this little helpless baby boy is here and is a product of his father and I and that it is our jobs to meet his every need for the next 18 years….this was daunting considering we were only on day 14.

There was one night, shortly after we brought Lucas home from the hospital that we brought him into our walk in closet because my husband was afraid his crying would wake up the neighbors. We stood there hugging him between us and both had tears streaming down our faces. Come to think of it, all three of us had tears streaming down our faces. It was a trying and beautiful moment for all of us and the memory of it will last forever. Little Lucas was brand new to the world, our home and our arms and we were absolutely clueless!

Needless to say, things have gotten A LOT easier since that night in the closet and even though I can still (vaguely) recall my life before him, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Our son has been in our lives for almost 13 weeks and I learn more about him every day and I can only hope his trust in me grows , but it doesn’t change the fact that NOTHING prepared me for any of this….the good, the bad, the ugly and the amazing. There is no turning back now; this little person, this force of nature, this new love of my life is here for good and my heart couldn’t be fuller.

The best is yet to be.

I Used To Carry A Designer Purse

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