Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

I’m Losing It

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Confession Time!

I hate to say it, but some mornings, I don’t want to do this. Some days, I don’t feel like being someone’s mom.

I know I sound like a terrible person and even worse mother, but I think to myself, I don’t think that I can make one more bottle, change one more diaper or prepare another meal for this kid.

I don’t know if I can sit through an episode of “Play With Me Sesame” or read one more book.

I’m not sure that I can muster the patience needed to listen to the same toys belt out their all too happy songs over and over and over again.

I know that I can’t hear myself say, “no” and “please don’t touch that” One More Time or I’m really going to lose it and God forbid you whine… that is the kiss of death!!

Sometimes I think I would rather check myself into a super fancy hotel, put on a big comfy bathrobe, order room service and LOTS OF WINE and watch movies all day long. C’mon, ladies, please tell me I’m not alone in my thinking, doesn’t that just sound like bliss?

But then…

You do something completely and utterly adorable and look at me with those eyes and I know that I have to put one foot in front of the other and be the best mom I can be because you’re my child and I want to.

The best is yet to be.

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Energizer Bunny

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“Too much of a good thing is wonderful.” – Mae West

Or is it?

Usually my alone time is spent working out or running errands, but on Tuesday, while I was waiting for my friend Coreen to bring her newborn baby home from a doctor’s appointment so that I could meet her, I had three glorious hours to kill with — get this — nothing specific to do.

So, what’s a girl to do?

I spent them at the second Happiest Place on Earth: South Coast Plaza (an upscale shopping center in Orange County, California).

Three, amazing hours by myself to wander through one of the most beautiful shopping malls on the planet. Did I mention that I was by myself? 🙂

First, I strolled around the bookstore, my usual “go to” me time spot and found several new books to add to my list of books to read that I hope to someday find time for, then I meandered through Pottery Barn and ZGallerie and remembered having a home without baby gates or locked toilets and then I leisurely tried on a pair of pants at Ann Taylor and bought a pair at H&M (along with a couple of things for
Lucas because I can’t seem to leave the house without buying him something!) and then I took myself to lunch at Champagne Bakery. It was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful morning! It made me feel, dare I say, human again.

I have always relished my “me time”, but now that I’m a mother, it feels like such a forbidden luxury. There really is something to be said for just being on your own with nothing to do. Boredom is so underrated.

Of course, there is a caveat. You see, whenever I have the opportunity to enjoy a little time away, the days that follow are HoRrEnDoUs.

Take, for example yesterday and today… let’s just say, what the H-E-L-L happened to your morning nap and where do you get all your flipping energy, because I’d like some too?!? You have been particularly feisty, irritable (which I keep telling you, as well as myself will happen when you don’t take a nap) and into everything. AGGGGHHHHHH!!! I guess what they say about pay back is true.

Incidentally, I had a delightful visit with Coreen and loved meeting five day old baby Flynn. Bless her little heart, all she did was sleep.

The best is yet to be.

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Drama King

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On the plane from New Caledonia to Sydney (a three hour flight, for which I was with you solo) you started throwing your head back, wailing and arching your body when I tried to keep you from hitting the tray table in front of us. Needless to say, you were M.A.D. and downright pissed off that I wouldn’t let you do what you wanted. Luckily the back of the plane was virtually empty, so before things got too out of hand, we moved.

As you banged away I thought to myself, I’m usually not one to “give in” that easily, but I was on my own and hadn’t experienced this type of outrage from you before and at 30,000 feet, I know better than to argue with a toddler.

Since that first episode, you have become quite the little pro at what I can only label as The Temper Tantrum, or The Ultimate Meltdown. When you want something, you want it NOW!!

Oh joy….

Is this how these episodes begin?? I (naively) thought that these outbursts debuted during the infamous Terrible Twos? Could they be a whole year early, and how long do I have to put up with them if they are?

I get it… I think. Toddlers seem to understand WAY more than they can express. I can’t even imagine not being able to communicate your needs, wants or desires. Even if hitting the tray table in front of you is completely out of the question. As your language skills improve, is it safe to assume that these tantrums will decrease? Please offer me some hope before I have a kicking, screaming, back arching fit of my own.

I found this interesting blurb in the April 2010 issue of Parenting magazine:

Apparently, caving to a tantrum-throwing toddler is in our DNA. In a study conducted by scientists from London’s Roehampton University, mother rhesus monkeys gave in to their shrieking infants only 39% of the time when pair was alone, but a whopping 81% of the time when strangers were listening.

Uh, yeah, is all I have to say about that. When your child acts out and you appear out of control, it’s completely embarrassing. Let’s just say, I’ve done a lot more deep breathing andcounting to 10 since I became a mother.

The best is yet to be.

Day 77/100

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Adventures In Dining

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Dinner last night was comical and exhausting. We went out for sushi with our neighbors and their two children; Pierce, who is almost two years old and Roman, who is almost one, and if it wasn’t one kid complaining, it was the other.

We were in and out in almost an hour flat and because we were tending to our tots, I don’t think one complete conversation was had.

From the waterfalls, turtle pond, lights, other patrons, windows, fans and the always fun to play with dishes, chop sticks, menus and mommy and daddy’s food, you were mesmerized by all there was to see and touch.

We tried feeding you with the food we brought, but you were more interested in what P & R had, so we shared. We tried entertaining you with the toys we brought and you were antsy and only settled down when your dad and I took turns taking you on walks to visit the sushi bar, turtles and hostess stand.

The best part of the evening was that we all laughed about it, during and afterward. Welcome to dining with children! The sushi wasn’t bad either. 🙂 Oh well, we tried, right? Next time, it will be just the four adults. No offense, kids!

The best is yet to be.

Day 55/100

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It’s Not All About Me

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Motherhood is based on many challenges and I know that my journey has only just begun, but having said that, I am enjoying the ride too. I do, however, have a few complaints:

  • I didn’t have a child to have finger prints all over my glass doors, windows and walls.
  • I don’t appreciate changing countless diapers, especially the stinking, smelly ones!
  • We don’t have a dog, so the Cheerios, puffs, tiny pieces of cheese, chicken, carrots and whatever else you decide to throw on the floor are not fun to pick up.
  • It never used to take me twice as long to get out of the house, but with as much gear as you require, even the simplest outings can be painstakingly difficult.
  • I never really minded doing laundry once a week, but now it’s never-ending! There are so many piles that I’m starting to feel sorry for the washer and dryer.
  • Before I had a child, I used to think I was busy. What a laugh!
  • Call it my post-pregnancy brain or just the fact that you go through A LOT of stuff, but seriously, how many times can one person visit the grocery store in a week? I think my record is five!
  • Can someone please explain to me how a 10 month old’s nails grow so fast? And I will not take “calcium” as an answer!
  • Scheduled date nights? Really?
  • I didn’t ask for any of the guilt, lack of energy, worry or anxiety.
  • I used to love our home, but now that you have taken up every. single. room., coupled with the fact that we spend entirely too much time here, I want to redo it from top to bottom or move.
  • No matter how hard this job gets, I can’t quit.
  • It’s not all about me.

ON THE OTHER HAND, motherhood is full of wonderful blessings and benefits too:

  • I never knew my heart could hold so much love.
  • No one has ever looked at me/right through me like you have.
  • I have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought… physically and emotionally. Any mom that can hold a child in one arm, while feeding them a bottle, collapse a stroller with the other, have an over sized diaper bag around their neck stepping on to an airplane without assistance has to have super powers, right?!
  • I didn’t think I could life in the moment or roll with the punches as well as I do. You can cry one minute and laugh the next. You love the feeling of the wind, touching plants and trees and playing peek-a-boo. Your natural appreciation and wonder at the world is good for my soul too.
  • I never thought I’d hear myself sing so many silly songs so off key. I appreciate tapping into my creative side.
  • The moms I have met since becoming one myself are some of the kindest, most generous and understanding woman I have ever met. I am proud to be a member of this elite club.
  • I love it whenever you see me, you smile bigger than anyone ever has before.
  • I love your dad more than ever and can’t believe that together we created a whole life…from scratch.
  • It’s not all about me.

The hardest part of motherhood by far is soaking up the good parts without obsessing about the bad and above all being patient with myself. I am a work in progress.

The best is yet to be.

Day 53/100

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Two Under Two

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Our neighbors have two little boys, Pierce, who is almost two and Roman, who is 10 months (exactly two weeks older than you).

Last night we had the pleasure of watching Roman for a little over an hour while his mom took his older brother to the ER. Pierce ran into a bench and thankfully only ended up needing two stitches on the bridge of his nose. Poor little guy. I am so glad that I was at home and could help out.

But, the point of my post today is that I realized that having two children under the age of two is hard work and I only had to do it by myself for roughly 20 minutes before your dad got home. I don’t know how mothers do it!? Valium? You’ve got one going one way and the other going another. One needs to be changed, while the other wants to be picked up. It has to be a master juggling act, is all I can say about it and that I have A LOT more respect for mothers that do it and make it look so effortless today than I did yesterday. Especially working mothers, like my neighbor. Here’s to you, because let’s face it, there is NOTHING effortless about having a child, let alone TWO!

Don’t get me wrong, aside from you getting noticeably irritated/concerned/jealous when your dad or I held Roman, both of you were delightful together and very well behaved.

We want to have another baby (most days) and have them be close in age, but in doing the quick math, if all goes as planned (the stars are aligned and the universe is on our side) we, too will be members of the distinguished group known as parents of Two Under Two. I sort of shutter at the thought….

My question to all of you mothers of two out there is: A) how did you plan (timing/age wise) for your second child? and B) did you do so knowing that you would have two under two? And, lastly, is it as challenging as it seems? Don’t lie!! 🙂

The best is yet to be.

Day 36/100

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Shaping Your Future

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Lucas has been diagnosed with in utero left sided plagiocephaly (significant flattening and asymmetry of the back of the head and face and ear misalignment) and we have been seeing a physical therapist for his torticollis (a condition in which the head is tilted toward one side, and the chin is elevated and turned toward the opposite side) for three months.

The good news is that plagiocephaly and torticollis are not life threatening and are easily treated.

Yesterday, we were told Lucas is a candidate for the DOC Band, a lightweight 6-oz helmet, that works by applying mild holding pressure and redirecting growth to less prominent areas. The band must be worn for 23 hours a day, only removing for bathing and dressing for up to four months.

The use of DOC Band is NOT a cosmetic fix, it is a restorative fix designed to bring the infant’s head back to its normal head shape and balance the asymmetry.

I am devastated.

I don’t want my baby to wear this device.

I think my son is perfect exactly the way he is.

I don’t want strangers to stare at him in the band. I don’t want to hear their comments or questions and I certainly do not want to respond to them.

I am angry that my OBGYN and ultrasound technicians didn’t see in the umpteen ultrasounds I had done that my baby was crunched up in my womb. We could have possibly repositioned him.

I am vain.

I am also a mother who wants the very best for my child. A misshapen head can lead to vision problems, ear infections, headaches and speech disorders. Not to mention the psychological impact of society’s often cruel view of deformity.

This is going to be a difficult four months for me, but Lucas will never remember it and in the long run will probably thank us for making this decision.

The best is yet to be and you’re welcome, my love.

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