Tonya

Shaking That Feeling: What Infertility Struggles Do To You

Posted on September 20, 2013 Written by Tonya

At one point I had four doctors.

Recently having “graduated” from the fertility clinic I have been at for over three years, I now only have three.

Since day one all of them have assured me that what I’m feeling is natural, especially given my history.

They tell me everything looks great and right on track.

I’m having a hard time believing them.

Even though I’ve seen the black-and-white images of a tiny human doing somersaults with my own eyes.

Even though I’ve studied the positive test results and measurements.

Even though I’ve heard the sweet sound of a rapid heartbeat.

Even though….

There is no doubt that I am being carefully monitored and yet, I’m still fighting to shake this sinking feeling.

Fighting to relax.

Fighting to carry this baby to full term.

Fighting to fully embrace this pregnancy.

Fighting to push the negativity out of my head and forcing myself to expect the best instead of the worst.

If I have learned anything through my struggle to get here, it’s that I have ZERO control, a devastating set back can happen at any moment and it’s better to protect yourself. That’s what infertility does to you. It forces you to keep on your toes, read into every twinge, keep your doctors all on speed dial and anticipate gloom.

So I will continue to fight and protect myself until this baby is safely in my arms.

For me making it successfully past the half way point is cause for [cautious] celebration, or in my case, compiling a short list of potential names, considering shower dates, preregistering at the hospital where I plan to deliver and browsing through a baby boutique where I allowed myself to purchase a pack of onesies.

The Happiest Place On Earth

Posted on September 19, 2013 Written by Tonya

Like most children, at the mere mention of Disneyland, Lucas’ eyes light up. He LOVES going to the Magic Kingdom and on some level knows what an ordeal it is, from the cost, parking, tram ride, lines, waiting, more waiting, crowds and multiple picture taking, it is a real treat to get to go.

Lucas’ first trip to Disneyland was when he was 18 months old and we had just moved to Orange County. In his short four years and three months on this planet, he has already been a dozen times! I suppose that’s what happens when you are born and raised in Southern California. I never want the enchantment to wear off, so I’m careful about only taking him 4-5 times a year.

While it’s fun to go to DL anytime and with anyone, I wish I could have captured the sparkle in Lucas’ eyes yesterday when we went with our good friends. Having a buddy at his level seemed to only intensify the magic and his experience. Thanks, Jen, Tristan and Samantha! I’m thrilled that together the four of us were able to get him on Pirates of the Caribbean, which he is still talking about.

Tristan and Lucas on It’s a Small World

I Don’t Know How To Play

Posted on September 17, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m a terrible mother because the three words I loathe the most are: play with me, especially when strung together repeated and delivered in a whinny four year old voice.

I will go round after round and even let him win sometimes at Junior Scrabble, UNO and Connect Four, in fact I love games!

I will ask 20 questions, trying to figure out what he spies with his little blue eyes.

I will search high and low for gel food dye to add to shaving cream to smear all over the shower stall, bend and twist pipe cleaners, clean up glitter and tiny pieces of construction paper and attempt to draw anything he asks me to.

I will create a playlist of his favorite Top 40 hits and have a dance party in our living room.

I will spend hours at Disneyland, California Adventure, Knott’s Berry Farm, Sea World and Legoland with him by my side waiting patiently to go on each and every ride he desires.

I will push him on swings, play hide-and-seek and time him on his scooter as he makes loop after loop around the park.

I will load the car with sand toys, sunscreen and towels in order to to spend the afternoon at the beach building castles, hunting for shells and chasing seagulls.

I will take him to Target knowing full well I’ll be spending most of our trip in the toy aisle agonizing over Cars, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other items he has, wants or needs.

I will learn all his favorite characters names and let him quiz me on them.

I will carefully pre-measure ingredients for him to add to bowls and let him try using the mixer on low so he can “help” me bake a cake.

I will pack his backpack with his beloved snacks and activities and take him on many trips to visit family in the Bay Area.

I will read him any of the dozens of books we own over and over all day long.

I will take him to the latest kids movie where we share the biggest bag of popcorn they sell.

I will send mothers I don’t know notes asking if their sons would enjoy coming to our home to spend time with my son.

I will make up silly songs, perform puppet shows with no real story lines and do just about anything to make Lucas smile or laugh.

There are tons of things I will do with my son and thoroughly enjoy, but playing with him is not one of them.

Pushing cars around the floor and having “races” is not fun for me.

I don’t know how to be a ninja and I hate holding toys or stuffed animals in my hand making them have conversations with one another.

It’s not that I feel silly or stupid, I’m just not good at pretending. I think maybe I was once… I loved playing with Barbies but not anymore and I feel guilty because I hear “play with me” A LOT!! And too many times my response is, “let’s go to the park!”.

Do you know how to play with your children? Please tell me I’m not alone in my guilt.

Telling Lucas

Posted on September 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

I promise all of my posts will not be about be about being pregnant from now on, but this is one I had to write…

It was a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.

It was news I didn’t want to reveal for another few weeks.

I wanted to wait as long as possible… just in case. Anything could go wrong and how would we explain that?

It was going to forever change everything. For him and for our family.

Upon hearing our news, I imagined Lucas never looking at me in the same way again, full innocence and pure love.

I could almost envision him staring back at me/us with a look of horror in his eyes as if to ask, “how could you do this, we had such a good thing going?!”.

Telling Lucas that I was expecting a baby brought me so much anxiety I cried several times leading up to the dreaded conversation.

I researched recommended ways to tell your child you are expecting on the Internet and read them out loud to my husband. We took mental notes and practiced our dialogue. I sought advice from trusted friends and spoke to our pediatrician for her professional opinion.

No matter what his reaction, the bottom line was: we just had to do it. It was time.

Keep it simple, straightforward, upbeat and very positive.

I could do that.

Then why did the mere thought of sharing our news with our son, our first born and special boy make me break down in tears? Why did it instill such fear?

As much as I want a baby, a sibling for my son, I don’t want Lucas’ world to change and I don’t ever want him to think that Mommy and Daddy don’t have enough love for two children or more.

Over dinner, at 14 weeks 4 days we told Lucas that we some exciting family news, that he was going to be a big brother and his response was nothing like what I expected: “That’s awesome!” he exclaimed and then followed it up with lots of questions about how big my belly will get and if the baby is a boy or a girl, what the baby is doing right now, how big is the baby, when will the baby come out, and how will the baby come out. Admittedly some answers came easier than others. It was the best dinner conversation our family has ever had!

Lucas isn’t thinking any of the things I’d been fearing. I know he will eventually, but right now he’s too busy being overjoyed at the thought of being a big brother, making sure I’m eating healthy fruits and vegetables and kissing my belly.

It’s amazing how immediate love is.

14 Weeks, 3 Days

Posted on September 12, 2013 Written by Tonya

I had heard rumors that with your second child, you start showing sooner than with your first. Your body has been here before, your stomach muscles aren’t as strong as they were due to the stretching from your first pregnancy, blah, blah, blah.

Turns out, this is true. SO true!

With Lucas I was almost 16 weeks along before there was a real bump. This time around and the real reason we had to share our news, I popped at just over 13 weeks. A full three weeks earlier! I had wanted to wait to tell people until we had made it half way, but, with a dead giveaway right smack dab in the middle of my body, we had to come clean.

I stuffed myself into my favorite pair of size 29, low rise jeans for the Justin Timberlake/Jay Z concert on July 28, the first day I really noticed my body was changing and although it didn’t keep me from dancing my ass off, I was uncomfortable as hell the entire night.

It took my husband a few days after that to get to our storage unit but I was giddy when he walked in the door carrying this….

my relief.

I wore my first maternity clothes at 14 weeks 3 days.

Somebody Pinch Me!

Posted on September 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Jimmy Fallon and his wife recently welcomed a daughter and revealed that they spent years trying for a baby before it finally happened via surrogate and I love what he shared with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show…

I know people have tried much longer [than we have], but if there’s anyone out there who is trying and they’re just losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue; try anything you can do, ’cause you’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family, and it’s so worth it. It is the most ‘worth it’ thing.

So perfectly put.

After throwing everything we have at our secondary infertility and it has been a very long three year battle, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby!

I shared our amazing news on Facebook and Instagram today and I am touched by the out pouring of love and congratulations. So many of our family and friends and wonderful people I have met through blogging and sharing our tale have been rooting for us and supporting us throughout this difficult journey. Part of me still doesn’t believe it! I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time or know me IRL, then you know I keep track of everything, so I wanted to share this list.

I share it, not as a formula for how to have a baby if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and by no means as a way of comparing what we went through versus what you may be experiencing, I’m sharing it because as a society, we need to talk about this disease more and everything that it encompasses; the ups, the downs and all the challenges and in between. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I believe always will be.

After…

Tens of thousands of dollars spent,
95 Four Square check ins to my fertility doctor’s office,
45 (and counting) acupuncture sessions,
16 failed natural cycles,
12 therapy sessions (a mixed blessing of discomfort and insight),
10 RESOLVE support group meetings,
6 Facebook support groups,
5 miscarriages,
3 friends who kindly gave me shots when Todd was out of town,
3 failed IUIs,
2 D&Cs
2 OBGYNs,
2 acupuncturists,
2 reproductive endocrinologists,
2 failed IVF cycles,
2 2AM 24-hour drug store drive-thrus for syringes,
2 needle/hazardous materials spills in my car,
2 visits to a psychic,
1 major meltdown in the baby aisle at Target,
1 trip to the ER,
1 participation in a panel discussion on infertility,
1 infertility column,
1 amazing team of doctors, who I could never thank enough,
a library worth of books on infertility collected and read, and
countless ~~doctor visits~~ HOURS spent sitting in waiting rooms, blood drawls, ultrasounds, angry phone calls to our health care providers, prescriptions filled, pills popped, herbs choked down, shots in the abdomen and ass, boxes of Mucinex taken (don’t ask), negative pregnancy test results, bottles of wine consumed, heated discussions over finances and priorities, prayers and wishes made and tears shed, (so many tears).

After all this, I am smiling from ear to ear, grateful for this moment and overjoyed to share this perfect photo:

I refused to give up the fight.

I would not give up hope.

I could not squelch the longing.

I believed in miracles.

Back To School

Posted on September 4, 2013 Written by Tonya

The pace picks up a few notches.

New shoes, school supplies, backpacks and lunch boxes are purchased.

Friends are reunited fresh from family vacations tanned and energized and new faces mean new friends.

Some mothers rejoice and others rock quietly in the corner counting down the hours until they can see their “babies” at the end of the day.

First day jitters run a muck as outfits are carefully laid out.

Carrying precious cargo, big yellow school buses can be seen on residential streets and freeways twice a day.

The interwebs are plastered with darling faces and goofy smiles holding signs announcing their new grade level.

It’s back to school time!

I love seeing how much Lucas has grown over the last three first days of school; from his over sized dinosaur backpack and beloved lovey (which he still takes to school every day!) to a Cars lunch box the next year and most recently the planets one he had to have. He’s gone from a baby to a little boy in the blink of an eye.

Lucas was just two years and two months old when we sent him to preschool. Sometimes I worry that it was too soon, but from day 1, he has loved it. He is now officially in Pre-K!

The things he learns at school (the life cycle of a chicken…what?!) and shares with us once he gets home continue to astound me and I’m thrilled at how excited he is about perfecting his letters, reading, learning to cut with scissors, coloring within the lines and proudly covering our refrigerator door with his latest artwork. I can’t wait to see where this school year takes him.

I hope all our children have an awesome school year!

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt #4. First day of school!

Meal Patrol

Posted on September 4, 2013 Written by Tonya

Family meal time has always been one of my favorite parts of the day. Gathering together to unplug, catch up, inquire about each others days, laugh, share and nourish our bodies in the process, however, I’ve come to dread breakfast, lunch and especially dinner.

I loathe having to beg my son to eat.

I have grown tired of the negotiations that take place at our dining room table.

I hate being on meal patrol!

I know this is a common problem, but OMG, if Lucas would just eat, I would be happy. Honestly, I can handle the potty talk, drawl out bedtimes, and boundary testing if he would just EAT!!

All the sit up straight, face the table, stop touching your feet, watch your elbows, just two more bites, and try it, pleaaaaase aside, my husband and I struggle daily and nightly to get Lucas to eat anything. I understand his young palette is still developing, but he doesn’t even enjoy “regular” kid food. He won’t touch a French fry, chicken nugget, hot dog or dream of dousing anything in ketchup. What does he eat you ask? The list is very short.

Pasta.

Lots of pasta.

Tons of pasta!

But, it must be prepared a certain way; not too much olive oil, no fancy breadcrumbs on top or other garnish and he would prefer a cheese shaker on the side. Oh, and he likes to eat it with a spoon. So, in addition to being picky, he’s particular about his food too.

Carbs are his favorite food group.

Just recently he started asking for plain cheeseburgers from Old MacDonald’s (as he calls it) and as much as I hate fast food with a passion, I consider this a HUGE victory. It’s protein, right?

In talking to Lucas’ pediatrician, at the end of the day as long as his meals have been colorful (yeah, right!), she tells me not to worry, but I’m a mom and I will worry and I know that yogurt, a cheese stick and a half a banana can’t be all that nutritious for anyone.

I’ve tried a handful of recipes from Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook, Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food and let’s just say, they didn’t go over very well. My sleuth son was on to my attempt at getting him to eat better.

I consider myself a picky eater and now I fear I’m raising one too. Any advice for me or better yet, make me feel better, what parenting challenges are you facing?

Labor Day Weekend: Signs Of A Great Vacation

Posted on September 3, 2013 Written by Tonya

We love San Diego and have missed it desperately since we moved from North County to Orange County almost three years ago. We made a lot of wonderful memories (not to mention friends) in our little beach town of Leucadia and life in general is a lot more laid back in San Diego, so anytime we can get back there, we do! Luckily it’s only a one hour drive south.

We just spent four days in La Jolla as an end of summer, Labor Day weekend getaway and it was just what our family needed.

Our hotel room was steps from the beach, everything we needed was within walking distance and the sand, surf, sea life and sun were in abundance.

More signs of a great vacation:

1. I took a book that I didn’t open once because there was too many other things to do, like people watch, lounge in the sun, follow guitar fish up and down the beach and practice writing our name in the sand.

2. The only shoes I packed were flip flops, there was no make up worn and I left my flat iron at home.

3. When we unpacked, sand was everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, but I didn’t mind a bit.

4. The majority of our dirty laundry consists of bathing suits, towels and cover ups.

5. Tan lines.

6. We took the long way home just to make it last a little longer.

7. For four days someone couldn’t be dragged off the beach if his life depended on it.

8. That same someone fell asleep in the car on the way home.

9. We’re already planning our next visit.

10. We brought home good memories, great photographs and huge smiles.

Four Years & Counting…

Posted on August 29, 2013 Written by Tonya

August 27, 2009.

I had been a mother for only 82 days but had accepted that for my newborn son, being in the comfort of my arms was his favorite place to be. I was more powerful than ever before.

I was already completely head over heels with Lucas.

Although struggling, still in shock over my new role, more exhausted than I had ever experienced in my life and worried that I was doing ~~something~~ everything wrong as a parent, I was slowly getting more comfortable as each day passed.

While anticipating my son’s arrival, I had written him a letter expressing how much I loved him, was anxiously awaiting his arrival and shared some of my hopes and dreams for his life. This became my first Letters For Lucas blog entry.

While writing had never really been my thing, when I was pregnant (and even prior to that) I often poured my heart out to a couple of close friends via e-mail and found the release very therapeutic.

What ultimately pushed me to start my own blog was this new tiny person in my life. I needed an outlet, a way to keep family and friends updated on his life, an excuse for not creating a baby book in the traditional sense and I desperately wanted Lucas to know me better than I knew my own mother.

In the first year of Letters For Lucas, my posts were literally that, letters to my son. It has since grown and evolved and became a place that I truly treasure. Nowadays I only visit and share sporadically.

I am grateful for my loyal readers, your comments and personal notes mean the world to me. I hope you will continue to stay with me as I navigate through parenthood, puppyhood, preschool, grief, loss, being a big sister, secondary infertility struggles and soon baby #2!

Shaking That Feeling: What Infertility Struggles Do To You

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