Arnebya is a writer, speaker, wife, and mother. She was selected as a BlogHer Voice of the Year in 2012 and is a fellow 2013 Washington, DC Listen To Your Mother cast member! Her blog is What Now and Why and her writing is equal parts cheeky and smart, not too mention funny and poignant.
Arnebya shares a letter with us today directed to the parents of her child’s friend, who want her to sleepover (Arnebya’s daughter, not Arnebya… keep reading). This is more than a play date or meeting at the movies, this is all. night. long and there are a few rules…
Dear Parent I’ve Never Met Who Wants My Child to Stay At Your House,
Last week, my daughter was invited to a birthday party for your child. My daughter said the plan was for you to take them to the movies, to dinner, then back to your house for a sleepover. She said the movie started “around 4.”
I don’t know you, and that’s as much my fault as it is yours. I guess. But, my child was invited to your house. Here are a few things I think would be beneficial for you to know/do before inviting other people’s kids to your home:
1. Call parents and introduce yourself.
2. Provide a detailed invitation with a phone number and address because word of mouth between seventh graders is kinda insufficient.
3. Offer information about yourself and your home. Do you have an escape plan in case of fire? When was the last time you changed the batteries in your smoke detectors? Do you HAVE smoke detectors? This isn’t the time to forget to mention that you grow and sell weed from your backyard.
4. If you’re driving someplace (movies or bowling, for example), I may want to drop off, pick up, and bring my child to your house. Don’t be offended. If you plan on having 7 attend but your car only seats 5 people, I’d rather my child not sit on someone’s lap.
5. Do you allow open access to the Internet at home? Because even the most benign search request can turn up porn. Trust me.
I am a nice person, I promise. I’m not even particularly over-protective or nosy. But when it comes to my child being your responsibility, especially overnight, I really need to know that you are, well, responsible. If our children are to spend time together, even irregularly, shouldn’t you be able to answer a few questions about me, if asked (instead of being that person who blindly offers “She didn’t seem like the type” when you find out I duct tape my kids to chairs in order to watch certain TV in peace?)
Let’s bring back community. Let’s bring back knowing the parents and families of the children our children are friends with, or at least knowing one person who knows the mom of that little boy who always tries to cross the street against the light.
Signed,
The Parent Who Usually Says No (and can tell the difference between weed and mint growing in your backyard)
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This is so true, it’s so hard to trust other people with our kids these days. I remember growing up and my parents knew everyone so it was never even a question. Not so much anymore.
With our older daughter it’s harder because she’s in a school outside of our neighborhood. It plays a major role, I believe, because I know virtually every kid and parent in my middle daughter’s classroom.
I find it hard to fathom why a parent who is willing to host her kid’s friends, isn’t willing to take steps to know the friends’ parents. For all she knows, her kids’ friends’ parents could be growing weed in their yard. 🙂
Looks like mint. I know this because a friend told me.
EXCELLENT!!
I had a niece visit and she wanted to go to someone’s home she had met at our neighborhood pool. I didn’t know the parents. I said we could go, but I had to meet the parents. After all my niece was left in my care. I brought her to the young girls home. I was invited inside. In the great room I saw a gun rack. I asked if this was locked. (really in your great room?) She laughed and said her kids didn’t bother it. I said, but is it locked? (I saw those 12 yr old boys in the house) She continued to laugh. I said I wasn’t comfortable and told my niece that they could play at our house. She was mortified. But she and her new friend came to our home and hung out. I know that mother thought I was bat shit crazy. That’s okay too – at least I brough my niece back to my sister safe and sound.
Hi, Peg. Aren’t you glad you did the hell no and got out of there? I do care if you have guns, but if you SHOW ME they are secured…okay, wait, nope, probably not letting my kid stay there. I had a mom tell me once that I thought I was better than her because I declined her offer but invited her daughter over instead. IT’S BECAUSE I ALREADY TRUST ME.
Well hello there, friend. I doubt you’ll be surprised to know that I could write a similar letter. How about that gun cabinet in the back den. Is that locked? And the liquor cabinet? And who else is going to be at this shindig? 🙂
Jen, you show up just when I need to you. :o) The guns question is a biggie, no doubt. My husband has a rule that the girls can’t go to the houses of friends who have older brothers. I thought that a bit discriminatory and then I met a woman whose daughter and mine were inseparable. When we first met, she said she had a teenaged son who would not be there if my daughter slept over. And then I realized: people actually think about/have issues with things I’ve never even considered.
Oh my gosh, can I get a hearty AMEN! I feel the exact same way, and I don’t even consider myself particularly protective.
That’s just it, Jennie. I’m not overboard asking how many stairs there are or cutting my 12 yr old’s food into bite-sized pieces. I just want to know who she’s hanging out with, and who her friends’ people are.
Not only do I LOVE this, but I found myself agreeing with every single point. I mean, come ON! Who are these people that would just blindly send their kiddos off? This ain’t the 1950s.
Keely, I gave my oldest daughter a sleepover 2 years ago. One girl came whose parents I hadn’t met (I sent invitations and offered to open my home the weekend before to get to know people.) The parents of the one girl didn’t come, but the dad dropped her off, never got out of the car. He was late to pick up the next day. Um, OK, I’ma send her on out after she finishes this last Cuervo shot.
I may have failed to do my due diligence as a parent once because I knew the mom. Our kids were in Girl Scouts together, pretty little and she was nice. When I showed up at the house it was like an episode of hoarders nasty. I felt so guilty leaving my kid there I couldn’t sleep. There was no actie marijuana grow or history of criminal activity (I have my sources), they were just pigs. I always do a drive by now.
Did it make her uncomfortable too? I remember going to a friend’s house in elementary school and I was horribly uncomfortable there. Her step dad was a jerk and it was in a crappy neighborhood (let me say that my house was no gem). I always had to make up excuses not to go from then on.
Maybe that’s why lately my girls’ friends aren’t coming over. Our basement is like ew.
Totally. I can’t imagine letting my kid go to someone’s house – overnight! – if I don’t know them.
And weed vs. mint – ha!
Seriously! This is why I don’t want my kids to ever make any friends outside of MY circle of friends. Probably a little unrealistic.
oh, I am the same as you on this. Hasn’t happened yet, we’ve only spent the night with cousins so far….but I’m sure this day will come. Seriously, over night is a big deal. Yes, yes, yes. We must meet first. And I must feel some good, trustworthy, non-drug doing vibes from you. period.
Right, Sarah; it’s about the feeling. And trust. They have to at least attempt to know me.
This is hilarious and terrifying. Im so scared of the day I have to face this.
Most of the stuff my (little) kids do now involves the parents staying at play dates. It is going to be so hard for me to leave them at people’s houses when I’ve only met them once or twice, let alone never.
Let’s just have this printed and laminated and duct taped to our children.
The ones who ask that you’ve never met, Angela? Make it always a no. Or, in rare situations, do your best detective work beforehand. A few years ago our oldest was invited to a friend’s sleepover birthday party. I hadn’t met the mother before, but my husband had gone to high school with her. I drove by her house in the daytime, then at night. And then she did what I needed her to do: she invited me over before the party. I still worried, but it had been brought down dramatically. And she made me feel the way I hope I make parents feel — that the discomfort is warranted and that no question is off limits when relating to my child being in your care.
YES. This is exactly what all parents of school-age kids need to know/do/understand. My son had his first sleepover (not with cousins) and I talked to his mom on the phone for quite a while, then interrogated her and her husband again before I left him. And I still felt like a horrible mom after because he was allowed to play video games that I’d NEVER let him play. Sigh.
See, even with our diligence things will slip through. But, you did your best. I had a dad drop off his daughter to my house and never get out of the car. And pickup the next day was noon. At 1:30 I had her call him. He said “Oh, I’ll be there around 5.” I’M SORRY, WHAT?
Oh my goodness! This is amazing! I love every single one of these. EVERY parent should know the children and the parents. Period. I am so scared for my son getting older and having to confront a situation like this. Terrified.
You got this, Kim. Seriously. Write it out beforehand and know that if a parent makes you feel uncomfortable, you might wanna beware. There is no justification for a parent to be upset at being questioned about what another person’s child is going to be doing when in her care. Is there a pool, are there guns, will you be in a car, will the kids walk to the park alone, will you be home the whole time, do you have pets, do you smoke crack? You know, normal stuff to ask. Normal stuff that you have every right to know and that will keep you from shimmying along their house at midnight trying to see inside.
I grow a TON of mint! No, really, I do! ;-P
I agree, let’s bring it all back. Thanks for this post of guidelines for ALL parents, great message, truly!
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