Feeling small, weak and out of control, I recognize these sensations. I’ve been here before.
I am at the point during the dreadful two week wait where I turn into someone I know well but don’t like very much.
The hormones I’m taking (progesterone, estrogen and heparin) have had a chance to dig into my system encouraging my mind to go to ugly places, think ugly thoughts and say ugly things.
The night sweats and dry mouth have both started.
This won’t hurt a bit, they say.
Tired, lacking energy and a face breaking out like a sad dateless teenager on prom night.
I try to stay calm, focused and positive but I am raging inside.
I have bruises all along my belly from the twice daily shots of blood thinners and on both hips from the nightly concoction of steroid hormones.
I lash out at my poor husband, an innocent easy target.
Your lining looks perfect, they say.
I am famished, eat all day and gain weight, an average of 5-8 pounds each cycle.
And then there’s the waiting. The waiting is the worst part. For two weeks, life is on hold and I wait, trying not to read into every sign, careful not to get too excited.
Again.
Everything looks really good, they say.
I am ready for disappointment, willing to welcome it even, to just know and end the waiting; to move on, get off the merry-go-round, discuss next steps or give up.
There are more tears.
Another pin prick.
Another appointment.
More waiting.
Your blood work looks great, just keep doing what you’re doing, they say.
All of sudden and always exactly when I need it most, hope appears.
Hope; in waves of joy and tender moments, a deep sigh followed by a full inhale of fresh air.
Hope greets me and gives me strength.
Hope whispers, keep going.
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huge hugs and love and light your way.
xoxox.
Thank you. I need all the hugs I can get.
Oh, sweet friend…the dreaded two-week wait.
Hugs to you, and a REAL LIFE hug on Friday! My hopes are high for you.
I can’t wait, Sherri! Truly. xo
Sending hugs. I am so sorry you have to go through this. My hopes are so high for you.
Thanks, Jenn! This too shall pass.
I’m crossing everything for you. Everything. xo
Thanks, Alison. I’ve got everything crossed too. Well, not quite everything. 🙂
I understand.
And I have hope for you too! xo
Thanks, Natalie. I appreciate your friendship and support.
You will get through this. The ugly thoughts will pass. Hope is always there, waiting around every corner. This is my first visit here, but I am crossing fingers and toes (I am double jointed ;-).
Kiran
Thanks for the smile and kind words.
I will send some your way, too. You can never have too much hope 🙂
No, you can never have too much hope. Thank you for your support. xo
I have loads of hope here and I’m sending it to you. My fingers and toes are crossed. I wish I could give you a hug XOXO
Thank you my dear, sweet, amazing friend. xoxo
Sending you so much love Tonya. I am ALWAYS here for you. See you next week. XOXO
I know you are, thanks, Leah. Looking forward to seeing you soon. xoxo
Lots of hope, love, and hugs coming your way.
Thanks, Jackie. So so much. xo
Don’t lose hope, Tonya.
Hugs to you.
I’m doing my best! Thank you for the support and encouragement.
Oh my friend. The two-week wait of torture.
Sending love, hope, and a blessing your way.
Ugh! Especially at the end of it when it’s a big fat negative! On to the second cycle…
The two-week wait is torture at the best of times. I can’t even imagine how tough this must be for you. As always, holding on to hope with you! xx
Thanks, Robin! xoxo
I don’t even know. I just don’t even know. I want to hug you right now though.
Hope is the only thing sometimes. The only thing.
love.
Hope is the only thing sometimes. Sigh…