Jackie of With Just a Bit of Magic is my guest today and one of the best things about Jackie is her amazing chocolate chip cookies, which I was a recipient of last Christmas as a part of Katie’s #cookieswap.
I spend a lot of time thinking about those cookies. But, I digress…
Jackie is a lot more than a great baker, she is a survivor.
Monday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and for many of us, a very difficult day. A day of remembrance and a harsh reminder. I am sad to learn that Jackie and I share this loss and appreciate her baring her soul and tender words here.
Jackie’s letter is bittersweet and will hit all too close to home for too many of us.
Dear Baby,
This fall would have been your last year at home with me because next year you would have started kindergarten.
You’d be full of wonder.
You’d be full of love and light.
You’d be the center of my world just like your sisters.
You’d be curious.
You’d be smart.
You’d amaze us each day with the things you’ve learned.
You’d frustrate us.
You’d upset us.
But no matter what we would love you unconditionally just as any parent loves their child.
I think about you often and wonder would you be a beautiful little girl with curls like your sisters or would you be a busy little boy like your younger brother. One thing for sure… you’d have those same awesome blue eyes that your siblings have.
There is nothing that can ever make me forget. You will always be a part of me no matter how much time passes. No matter what happens… I won’t forget.
The day they told me that you were gone was the most difficult day of my life and I didn’t know how I could go on. I curled up in my bed, the covers pulled tightly around me as I soaked my pillows with tears.
Family came and went. They shared their sorrow for our loss. They let us know that they were there for us. While I appreciated all of their love and help it didn’t help heal the hole that was left in my heart.
I’m still sad when I think about what should have been and I don’t know how to get past it. Maybe I shouldn’t.
So, my dear sweet baby… I love you.
Mom
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What a heartfelt letter, Jackie. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much.
Beautiful, Jackie. I know the feeling and could feel your words straight to my heart. xoxo P.s. Apparently I need to cheat and swap with you this year??
I’d love to do a cookie swap again this year!!
I can feel your pain, and my heart hurts for your forever loss. 🙁
I can honestly say that it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
This is just so heartbreaking and it makes me incredibly sad to think that so many women have gone through this. Our bodies were made to bring new life into world so why does it not work out sometimes? What is the reason for that? It’s unfair and there will never be a reason to justify this kind of loss. I have a friend who was just told that her 20week old baby was no longer growing. It was devastating. She is 28. It’s just so cruel. I hope that time along with the children that you do have give you love and comfort you through the rough moments.
The tears are rolling down my eyes….
I’m sorry for your loss. And how brave you are for writing this letter. How did you ever get to finish it at all? I hope someday you will heal, but I think this letter is a big step to that, yes? *hugsandkisses*
A beautifully heartfelt letter. My heart breaks for you and your loss. I am so very sorry.
beautiful letter.
My first would have been five this month. I don’t think about it much, but I do remember the horrible pain at the time. Sigh.