A wonderful supporter of Letters For Lucas, Robbie of Fractured Family Tales is my Letters For You guest star today.
They say death is hardest on those left behind and the what if’s can completely take over your brain. Here, Robbie writes a letter to her cousin who was taken far too soon. It is as you can imagine filled with sadness and wonder.
Dear JB,
I can’t celebrate my oldest son’s birthday without thinking of you because it is yours as well. Or was yours, though you left us a week before you turned eighteen.
You would have been twenty-nine this year and I can’t help but imagine how differently life would have been had you not been ripped away.
I imagine you would be married by now with a sweet wife, and a few children. I like to picture a little girl with your amazing black curls and shockingly beautiful blue eyes. You would have a career…not just a job. You were always a smart kid. You would have gone to college. You would move away from home, but not too far from your roots…close enough that you could go back and help your parents. You were always respectful and responsible.
Hannah, your oldest sister…well her life would have turned out differently too. She wouldn’t have felt the pressure to help parent your baby sister, to be the “husband” that your dad could no longer be. He was so lost by your loss. She did finish college but she never moved on.
She never got to leave. She never experienced freedom. I’d like to think she would have found a teaching job…maybe moved around a little bit…had some life experiences…traveled. Instead Hannah waits tables in a small town where she is trapped by her responsibility to Aunt Kay and Sadie.
By some miracle your sister Maddie made it out. But maybe too far out. She went to college and has a job. But from what I’m told she left and never looked back. By all appearances she was the least scarred by your death which means she may be in the most pain. Maybe she wouldn’t have cut all ties if you were still around.
I don’t even know your youngest sister and she didn’t really get to know you. She was only three when you died. I wonder if they even talk about you? If she gets to hear stories about you and look through pictures of you. Their pain was so deep, so raw and they shut down.
She would be 14 now. If you hadn’t died, she would have grown up with a family. She would have had two parents and a house full of older siblings to tease her and teach her and protect her. Instead she grew up in a hollow house of pain and sadness. She grew up in isolation and a cloak of fear. She doesn’t know her aunts and uncles who live a few miles away or her cousin who teaches at the local school. She doesn’t go to school. I’m told she barely speaks.
I don’t pretend to understand what went on in your parents’ marriage. I just know they never EVER recovered from your death. It broke them beyond repair. I’d like to think that if you hadn’t died they would still be together, living in their white house on top of the hill with it’s peeling paint and collection of old cars and trucks. Your dad was always fixing something up.
I’d like to think your dad would still be alive if you were. He would have taken care of his mind and his body. It would have spared my mom and her sisters the pain of burying another brother. Instead Uncle Lewis died alone in his car this spring.
When you were ripped away so many lives were ripped apart.
I wish things had happened differently but they didn’t. I will always cherish the memories of you, my sweet, smart, hard working young cousin who was taken way too soon.
Love,
Robbie
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I’m so sorry for you loss, Robbie. I understand your thoughts and wonderings as well- it’s so difficult to do that to ourselves though. In addition I am sad for the loss of your uncle as well. 🙁
Oh Robbie. What a beautifully written and heartfelt post. I can not begin to imagine what the loss of a child can do to a family. So so sad. 🙁
Oh… Robbie, I am so sorry. I can not imagine how difficult this truly is for you and your family. I can only hope that one day everyone comes to terms with his death and finds the closure that they need.
Robbie, this letter is so raw and honest and heartbreaking. The what if’s are the worst because it always seems like things could be better. You and your family are in my prayers.
This is very sad and so tragic. One person’s absence from life was felt by everyone around him. I am sure that even more people were affected by his death that you don’t even know about.
It’s interesting for me to think about the what ifs. What if my parents hadn’t died? Would I live in LA now? Would I be married by now and already trying to have a baby? Would I be living with them in Arizona? Would I be in Grad school? Would I have different friends then I do now? I could go on.. It’s endless. But in the end, it’s pointless because that is not the life that I have now. I have the life that I am living right now. It’s up to us to take that life and do the best that we can with it.
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