I hope my son doesn’t remember.
I hope he can’t recall everything I say and do.
I’d rather his memories of me standing in front of the mirror plucking my gray hairs and applying face masks be fuzzy.
Just as I’d rather he completely block out the time I yelled at him so loudly my entire body shook,
beat myself up about not working out or accomplishing more on my “To Do” list,
ran out of patience, not to mention creative ideas because he wouldn’t go to bed and I hid out in the bathroom for several minutes before I regained composure,
would go days without make-up or washing my hair,
wept for people he’ll never know and those we both have yet to meet.
called a friend an unkind word under my breath,
banged my fists on the steering wheel in anguish,
sighed heavily at unmet expectations that were set entirely too high to begin with,
slammed a door in frustration,
cried as I told his dad I didn’t think I was cut out for this motherhood thing,
threw my phone across the room in a blind rage.
The list of my not so finer moments goes on and on. I’m sure you have one of your own; things you wish you could change, protect your child from, moments you would do over if it were possible.
We are parents.
We are human.
We make mistakes.
I make mistakes.
Tons of them.
I hope my son only remembers the good stuff.
And if not, I hope he can forgive my flaws and indiscretions.
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Thank you for posting this. I so needed it. I had a mommy meltdown on Sunday and totally yelled at my kids. I was so frustrated and DONE with the sibling fighting. I wish I could have been more patient. I wish I handled it better. I too hope my kids don’t remember those moments and just remember me when I’m patient and more mom-like. You are not alone.
I have the same hope. You’re right of course – we are human, we make mistakes, we are not and cannot be perfect. I hope our children know that and love and forgive us anyway.
I hope they remember the good things, but in a way it’s not terrible if they remember some of the bad. Like you said, Lucas will love and forgive you, and then he will know for certain that he doesn’t have to be perfect to be, well, perfect.
Great post. Know you are not alone, sister!
I tend to remember mostly happy things from my childhood, so I’m guessing there’s hope for all of us 😉
I think kids whose parents forgive their mistakes and indiscretions grow up to be adults who forgive their parents.
It works the opposite way too. My husband’s parents held his feet to the fire for every mistake he ever made, and they are seeing what that’s like now.
I feel like lately all my son hears from me is a raised voice and “don’t do this” and “don’t do that.” I feel awful about it and hope he doesn’t remember.
You’re right. We’re all human and we make mistakes. But I’m sure that they won’t grow up to hold on to those uglier moments. And for me? I hope my kids don’t remember this afternoon. It wasn’t pretty. At all.
It is so hard to remember the things we are not proud of, isn’t it? I hold on to the thought that, even if my kids remember some of my not so stellar moments, the good and excellent moments will outnumber the bad ones.
Our kids know we love them and that we are trying. And at the end of the day, that is what matters.
you have no idea how many times I snuggle with Eddie and think, “please remember me as a good mom. please remember the good, fun, loving stuff. and not the crying and fighting.”
sigh.
I believe we learn from both the good and the bad. He might remember some of these moments but hopefully he learns lessons from them.
So appreciate reading this post at a time when I’m also struggling with finding “The Good Stuff.” It helps to know we’re not alone in dealing with mom challenges.
He will forgive them and, even more, he will be grateful for them because he will know it’s okay to make mistakes and that everyone is human.
He will have to experience a lot of this himself so I am sure he will forgive you and learn from them. I am also sure that he won’t remember a lot of those things! :-p