Sometimes I feel as though I’ve misplaced my keys. I’ll empty out all the contents of my over-sized purse, crawl on the floor of my car and remove all the cushions from the couches only to discover them in the laundry room on shelf between the bleach and the OxiClean, right where I left them. How they got there I haven’t a clue.
Other times it’s like I forgot to purchase something on my list at the supermarket, the MAIN reason for my trip. I walk out clueless with three bags of stuff and get all the way home and chastise myself for missing the word MILK written in bold at the very top of the page. How does that happen?
Many times, it’s more of a sinking feeling, you know the kind when you could almost guarantee you left the iron or stove on, forgot to lock the front door or neglected to reach out to someone on their birthday?
It’s a nagging, uneasy, uncertain, something’s-just-not-right feeling.
It never subsides.
There is no escaping.
Sure, there are good days and bad days. Days without incident. Days when my keys are right where they should be, in the middle drawer of the bar in our kitchen. There are even days filled with so much joy my heart feels like it might burst right out of my chest and there is no way anything can bring me down. But, I am not naive, I know it’s only temporary because missing someone, or in my case two someones is a feeling I always possess. I carry it with me every day.
Anniversaries, birthdays and other special milestones and occasions are always the hardest. We just celebrated Lucas’ third birthday, Father’s Day is this weekend and my birthday is just around the corner. It’s summertime too and I have the fondest memories of my parents and family being together during the summer. I wish they were here.
Thoughts of my parents used to be the very first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about each night before closing my eyes, but now and I am so ashamed to admit this; several days will go by and they won’t even cross my mind. They are always in my heart, of course, but recalling them is growing more difficult and it is as though I’m reviewing my grocery list to make sure I have purchased everything I came for and I’m frantically checking and rechecking to make sure the door is locked. Ah yes, there it is, that persistent and familiar something’s missing feeling.
And I am acutely aware that it is.
Related Posts:
I’m so awfully sad that you have to live with this feeling. Sending you big hugs, sweet Friend xoxo
Oh my friend. I’m so sorry, it cannot be easy. xo
i’m so sorry.
When my Aunt first passed away she was all I thought of. Now I don’t think about her as much but I always feel her in my heart. The loss never goes away but we can always make sure that they were remembered and you do a great job of that.
They are all around you, in all that you do and all that you are … and just like we don’t think of those that are with us every waking moment, so it will be with your memory of them.
And then you will find moments that you will sit and soak the memories in, and find a wholeness from it, instead of the hole they left behind ..
Much love to you xxxx
I’m so very sorry.
I am sorry that feeling is always there and is a weight on your heart.
I can sort of imagine how that must feel. And starting to remember differently must be so hard. Natural, but hard. xo
I totally hate it when that get “I KNOW I’m forgetting something” feeling. Makes me uneasy all day. I can only imagine what that would be like to know that what’s missing is your loved ones – and there’s no way of getting them back. *hugs*
I understand what you’re feeling. I feel the same about my dad. He’s been gone more than 20 years and while time has made it a bit easier, it’s also made it more difficult to recall things about him. I see my parent’s wedding photo everyday, but it’s become one of those things I see, but I don’t really notice because I see it so often. Even so, I’ll keep it out because it’s my favorite picture of them. Much love and kindness to you. xo
I can only try to guess what that missing feeling is . . . I haven’t had nearly the loss you’ve had, though, and I feel it, too. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gone upstairs to get something – only to come downstairs with something entirely else (or with nothing at all). The grocery store thing, leaving without getting what I specifically went for? Happens to me all of the time.
(hug)
Cort told me recently that it’s like this with his dad for him. He will think of his dad after DAYS of not thinking about him at all and be overwhelmed with guilt of not thinking about him. And then I admitted that I am forgetting him and Cort cried.
It’s just so hard.
So much love to you, my friend.
This really describes how I feel too perfectly. Something always feels missing.. it’s a constant nagging feeling that I hope/fear will never go away. I guess we just have to learn to accept it and use it to remember them.