Lori of In Pursuit of It all is the beautiful mind behind Project: Purse and Boots, a fundraiser she created to raise money for the American Stroke Association in memory of her grandmother.
Lori also does funny very well, like wine coming out of your nose funny.
But all you really need to know about Lori can be found in the words of the tender tribute she wrote, The Red Underwear, a piece that was selected by BlogHer last year as a Voice of the Year selection. I had the immense honor of waving a pair of red [paper] panties high in the air after listening to her read this moving piece aloud.
To say I’m honored still would be an understatement.
Dear Unexpected, dear Unknown, dear Unanticipated;
Forgive me my intolerance. I’m not so good with you. You make me nervous and you unsettle me.
I do best with a plan and a map. I like knowing the route and I like a path blazoned before me. It doesn’t have to be well worn or lit with a million lamps, but I like the comfort of a track through the grass and knowing there are no monsters around the corner.
You steal that security from me. And where I don’t mind the occasional bill that’s larger than expected or the last minute visit from a relative, there are times when not being able to see past you leaves me shaking and pushing paralysis aside with two ineffective hands.
You bring me terror when I think of my children. I can’t stand not being able to see the things they might trip over or the fears they may face. I don’t feel I can properly arm them when I don’t know what’s in front of them. Do I need to give them powerful words? More vitamins? A snarl to keep in their back pocket? A savings account? I wring my hands in anxiety, so worried that the one weapon they need will be the one I didn’t think of. Did I raise them to be too polite for ambition? Too sarcastic for affection? Or too determined to take help when they need it?
The way you cloud my vision of my beloved husband makes my throat tighten. I waited so long for him, for love so deep that carries me so steadily. I watch the turning pages of the calendar, feeling for the first time the simultaneous elation and dread that accompanies a plan to grow old with another. Will he be here through my latest days? Will I be here for his? Which one of us will let go of the earth first? The questions ricochet against the walls of my mind with sharp corners.
But maybe I’m being ungrateful. Why can’t I accept the temporal blindness you impose with the same equanimity that I wait to see what’s in the prettily wrapped birthday package? I don’t want to know what’s in the box until the time is right, for only then is the gift truly mine. So conceivably I could wrestle you into that framework – where unanticipated becomes surprise, unknown becomes mystery, and unexpected becomes wonder.
So maybe the fault is mine – I did not appreciate how you are dressed. I am too judgmental, perhaps, obsessing over the mud tracked on the floor and overlooking the flowers in your hands. It’s my way, you see – to watch where I walk and notice later what’s further on the horizon.
Because I like a path, remember?
Hesitantly yours,
Lori
Related Posts:
Beautiful, just as I knew it would be.
“It’s my way, you see – to watch where I walk and notice later what’s further on the horizon.”
Yes. Just yes.
Love you, Lori.
(And Tonya, these posts are one of the highlights of my week. xoxo)
I knew you’d understand that line so, so well.
Love you too, dear one.
Oh, Lori…tears. Knowing what you have been through these past few months makes this even more powerful.
Love, love this…and to find you at Tonya’s? Even better.
Was thrilled that she let me visit here!
And yes, recent events make this even more…more…
Well, you understand.
I have been thinking a lot about my mortality lately and this post really resonates. Love your photography, your take on this prompt, and of course your words.
Thank you lovely lady.
And the first one of us who figures how to live, kicking and hell-raising, for better than a century has to let the other one in on the secret. K?
Hi Lori, I don’t know you well but I do know that everytime I read your writings I am blown away and introspective. I am very much like this…with my family I worry a lot about the unknown and since I lost my dad suddenly and then it took forever to find my husband and then infertility hit…and then in vitro, a twin pregnancy etc…so yes I worry about losing things because I have…gosh I just loved this post.
Tonya thank you for having Lori here today…it was a post I needed to read.
Kir, thank you so so much. Those are amazingly kind and generous words.
Uncertainty is a nagging monster. But I try – I really try – to not let him keep me up late too many nights.
It’s hard…he’s darned noisy. But I try.
The perfect recipient, can’t think of one better when writing a life letter.
This was beautiful, Lori..I’d love to see it at BlogHer, or somewhere. IT’s so wistfully beautiful.
You are so kind. And believe it or not, as soon as I sat down to write the piece I knew who the letter had to be written to.
Like those things wanted my attention.
Gorgeous, Lori, and drawing on that universal bowstring that’s strung so tight in all of us.
I read someone describe having children as “Now having a hostage to the world.”
I feel that way sometimes, when I feel so desperately blind.
I would like God to email me. I’d walk through stuff with a lot more dignity and grace. I promise. {back to obsessive checking my email}
Can I get a letter too?
If, for nothing else, knowing how long the cats plan to be with us.
Because I keep putting off buying the kevlar couch cushions. But if they’re going to be here a while I should just make the investment.
You’ve faced a lot of unknowns these past few months, and your writing drips of it. Like Poppy, I have been obsessively focused on mortality of late and this post really resonated with me. It is so hard to just let Unexpected and Unanticipated arrive when they wish.
It is.
Because you know, NO ONE RSVP’s anymore.
It’s just “Ding-Dong, hi where’s the couch and can I have some Cheeto’s?”
Really beautifully written. I love the line “Too sarcastic for affection?” We worry about so many things with our kids – even the nuances.
Yes – I often worry that the skills that were so important to me that they learn are not the ones that they need most.
But I can only guess, and then hope.
Damn Lori,
Did you take a peek inside this worrier’s head? And now I have some new ones I hadn’t considered before. Very eloquently fashioned but new all the same. FYI I’m reading the Happiness Project. I think I may need to refocus. Hope you are feeling well. Always a pleasure to read your words.
Dana
Thank you, sweet lady.
It seems to be a theme running through people’s minds lately.
I’m not usually so attuned. I have NO psychic powers whatsoever.
Powerful, beautiful, stunning really.
(I need to embrace these as well. I’m working on it. Carefully.)
xo
Yes, very very carefully.
Thank you, you. 🙂
Lovely. I keep trying to adjust how I view things because I know, I KNOW I used to embrace the unknown.
Or at least not running away and hiding under the bed.
Which is sort of my current strategy.
I have long wished to be spontaneous; the kind of mother and wife and friend who is always willing to embrace whatever comes my way. Isn’t this where life’s unsuspected joy comes from?
And yet.
I believe (no, I know) I’d sacrifice some of the joy to always know what’s coming.
My throat clenches at the thought of being unprepared; mentally, physically, practically.
Such rigidity is not what I wish for my children but how to teach them another way?
Deep breaths. Deeper smiles.
And a deeply clenched throat.
I might make that trade myself…but since I don’t get to, I try and try to focus on the joy of that which I didn’t expect, which (truly) is wonderful more often than it is not.
But I have a hard time remembering that.
Oh my dear friend. Once again you reached into my soul and wrote my deepest most secret thoughts. I fear the unknown with a terror that no horror movie could bring out in me. So how do we deal with it? Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll balance the fear. We’ll allow ourselves to have that moment of paralysis. Because it IS allowed. It IS acceptable. But then we move on. We balance that moment with excitement. WHAT?! MJ are you NUTS?! Yeah, a little. 😉 Bear with me. lol We think of something that excites us. Shoes that are loud and proud. Our child winning her first soccer game and the excitement and pride in that moment. Train yourself to balance that fear with excitement and happy. It sounds crazy but IT WORKS. It takes awhile, I admit, but it works. It’s a natural depression fighter. We ALL have those exciting happy moments we’ve experienced. So in the moments after we move on past our paralysis, close your eyes and FEEL it. It won’t fix all your problems, but it does work. It’s how I stay positive. As bad as my life can be some days (and boy I’ve had some bad days in the last 3 weeks) there’s always something to be happy about. Abby crawling in my lap, borderline autistic, snuggling under my blankets and looking up at me with those big blue eyes and saying “I love you Mom”. Kati’s competitive soccer team winning their game last weekend against a team that plays dirty and rough and the brawl that nearly erupted in the stands because we kicked their tails, and knowing that our girls played with honor and pride and won playing clean. My Elizabeth, struggling with dyslexia, and the fear knowing how difficult her life is going to be, and reading her speech for FFA and when you get past the spelling errors reading how articulate she is. How smart she is. And finally my 17 year old, Kory, hearing his plans for the future, and hearing how he has his head on straight and how he’s not rushing into the insanity of adulthood. He has a year of high school left, he IS engaged, but he’s not getting married till after graduation. He’s not moving out till after graduation, though his birthday is the first day of school next year. His fiancee wants a baby, he refuses to even go there till after they’re married. No sex. No moving in together. He makes me SO DAMN PROUD!!! So I balance my fear with the things that ARE. Because what IS will always be stronger than what could be. I hope that helps you and everyone who reads this. Sending you love from Oklahoma. <3
You do such a beautiful job with that. And yes, focusing on the now is a really good plan.
I can sometimes do that. 🙂