Many of you may not know this, but Natalie (Mommy of a Monster) and I go way back. In a former life, long before either of us had children, let alone a blog, we used to work together at a very hip advertising agency.
I liked Natalie from the moment I met her and it had nothing to do with the fact that she was the human resources manger and we were reviewing my new employee paperwork.
Natalie is “good people”, as they say and we connected on may levels, but most notably through our love of reading. We exchanged books back in the day and have shared must-read titles ever since.
We have long since moved on from the agency and started families and the rest is sort of cyber history. While we may have lost touch over the years, I am proud to call Natalie a friend and confidant and I am overjoyed to have her close out my Letters For You series for the year.
Natalie is a good mom, too and her letter to her eldest son, Ethan is heartbreaking and chocked full of mommy guilt. I know I can relate, can you?
My Sweet Ethan,
I can’t believe how big you are already. It seems like just yesterday I found out that you were growing in my belly, our tiny miracle that we had been waiting for after so many years of trying to have a baby. You are and always will be my true love and the biggest wish that I ever had granted.
Four years old. Already.
I have a confession to make to you right now, one you won’t be able to understand for many, many years. I feel like I am a bad mom. I feel like I’m neglecting you somehow, not giving you the time and attention you need and deserve. Your sisters are only two years old, and they demand a lot more of my attention throughout the hours of the day. I know I say “not now”, “later”, and “I’m too tired” way more often than I should, and even more often than I’m sure you want to hear.
Sometimes, after your sisters have both spent the last thirty minutes taking turns throwing fits while I’m in the middle of cleaning or cooking dinner, you ask me for something…sometimes it’s something as small as a quick read of your favorite book or for me to turn on your favorite cartoon. And I snap. I snap because I’m tired and at the end of my rope. You don’t understand any of this, and I am working on reminding myself of this and reprimanding myself when I realize that I’ve done it yet again.
I need you, my sweet boy. I want you to always love me and feel comforted by me. Yet I’m afraid that I’m pushing you away. I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to give you and your sisters all that you need without losing the person that I am. I don’t want it to be this way. I am really trying to be more patient and to give you more of me. Please know how important you are to me and how much you mean to me. Please know that I am doing the best I can. Please know that being yours and Lila and Mia’s mommy is much harder than I thought it would be. Please know that I want to be a better mom and that I want to be able to give you my all. Please know that I know that I’m not succeeding right now, but that I really am trying.
Please know that I love you with every ounce of my soul.
Someday, you will be a dad and I am sure you will nod your head as you are reading this because you will understand. Until then, I promise you that I will try harder. I love you, E.
Mom
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Oh Natalie – even with one child, I suffer the same guilt. We always feel we can do more, give more, when really, all we can do is our best. Ethan is very lucky to have you as a mom.
Thanks, Alison! I try to remind myself that guilt is part of the gig, but it’s still hard to get past sometimes.
so touching! I feel the same way with my oldest, and my 2 are only 15 months apart but my oldest seems to take the brunt of all the neglect, especially since my youngest has all the health issues!
I hope that deep down they know or will at least understand that we love them just as much!
I think they do…and I think we are harder on ourselves than they are.
This, literally, made me cry.
I really worry about my son, sometimes . . . being only 6.5 months older than his sister, he never got to be the baby. All of his memories will be when he had a sister, which is great, but, well, he’s not at the same level. His firsts are, often, overshadowed or not fully captured, because we have to keep half an eye on her. And, for whatever reason, I’m just able to play out that she’s a twin (even though she’s not), just one of a set that are on very odd learning paths.
Here’s the thing, Natalie, though . . . I guarantee that Ethan loves you just as much as you love him.
John, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this because I know so many people will relate to them. And that last sentence? Made me cry!
Oh Natalie, I can relate to this. And I only have one almost-two year old taking the attention from my almost-four year old. The fact that you WANT to do better shows that you are, in fact, much better at this than you think 🙂 xo
I want to print this comment out and put it on the fridge as a reminder 😉
Oh my heart, you two. My tears are flowing and yes, this is beautifully told, completely relatable, and lovingly written.
{Sob, sniffle}
Thank you, Galit. Just knowing that helps remind myself that I’m a totally *normal* mom 😉
Oh dear heart, as Moms we seldome think that we are giving it our best and yet we are giving it our all. Such love in this letter, and they know this already …. hugs xxxx
Thanks, Nicole. I guess sometimes I just need to say it out loud so that I can remind myself that he really does know it!
oh my goodness, I feel like you were in my heart and in my head and writing down all the things that I want to say (and do say over and over again…daily) to the boys lately. I want so much to be good at mothering, and “wifing” and “friending” and “blogging” and still have pieces of Kir alive and well…but I also want Giovanni & Jacob to know without a doubt that without them there is no “mommy blog” and no happiness.
this gorgeous letter just goes to show how much you ADORE Ethan and it highlights the struggle we all have as moms, to grow, bend, stretch and reach the children we have.
with tears in my eyes, this was gorgeous my sweet friend. xo
Kir, you and I are like twins ourselves! We see eye-to-eye on just about everything, and I was nodding the entire time I read your comment. Thank you for it all.
This letter is exactly why I’ve been 100% MIA from twitter, blogging and facebook for five straight days.
My kids needed me. Undivided Me. And they rarely get her. So I unplugged completely. This is the only post I’ve read since Christmas Eve (because I saw the topic and figured I HAD to).
It felt wonderful to be so connected to both my kids and not distracted by my THIRD child (the computer).
But it was also so strange. I feel cut off from a part of my life.
I think it’s impossible to balance everything – our children, marriages, jobs, friends and SELVES. It’s not balancing. It really is juggling, and each of our demands gets time tossed in the air and caught in our hands.
(While we try desperately not to drop them entirely…)
We’re all just juggling, Natalie. And you do a damn good job of it. Your blog is all the evidence anyone (including you) would ever need of your devotion to Ethan. It’s a permanent monument to the love you have for your children.
Funny, honest, imperfect and forever.
Mostly forever. And then some.
I needed to read that Julie, thank you. And I have finally resolved myself to the fact that I cannot balance everything, and that’s okay.
Damnit, Julie…why does my comment have to be after your lovely one?
Natalie, this post. This right here is what is in my heart about the new baby coming. I get so tired already and it is so hard to give Eddie what he needs from me and I worry all the time that once Charlie is here, Eddie will resent me and his brother.
But you know, you are one that I look to and think, she has Ethan and twins and she can do it. small people are so demanding, even with one it’s impossible to give them what they think they need ALL the time.
Being aware is the most important thing. Ethan will feel that.
much love to you. This letter is beautiful.
What a wonderful post! I struggle with this too. JDaniel would say he doesn’t get enough time.
I am so enjoyed reading the comments!
Weren’t the comments fantastic? It’s so great to have such support from such amazing friends!
Thanks my friend!! What you are feeling is so perfectly normal for being pregnant with number two. And I think most of us look at other moms and think they are doing a much better job than we are. Nice to know we all feel the same way and are all in the same boat, isn’t it?! 🙂
I really relate to this. As your girls get older, it will become much easier for you to balance your time, and E. will be able to understand that you’re doing your best right now. And the older they all get, the more they’ll bond and lean on each other, which is PRICELESS.
I hope so!! Right now we just try to get through the day 🙂
What a touching letter, Natalie…and one I think you needed to write. I think we all feel this way when a second or third or fourth sibling comes along, but two at the same time? Double the guilt, I’m sure…you are a good mommy and I loved reading this.
Thank you my friend. I love being able to count on more seasoned moms for all of this, and to validate that I am just a normal mom and not a horrible one.
Oh sweet lady…
Even without two-year-old twins, we all live too much in this place.
But knowing, being aware, striving – those are the steps you need to take. Truly.
Love multiplies. Time divides. But it somehow works out in the end.
I hope it does! I don’t want Ethan to remember me just screaming and yelling all of the time 😉
I don’t think I knew that you two worked together!
Natalie. I want you to know that every single mother goes thru this. My momma and I chatted about something similar when she was visiting. My memories of childhood – the one where we were on welfare, single momma raising 6 kids, Momma studying or working – my memories are of a a loving household filled with chaotic happiness. So. I look back to that. And pray that my kids remember the happy and love and fun and that Big knows I’m trying to teach him to be a good big brother, and one day, father. And Lil knows that even though he never had me all to himself because he came second, he got the benefit of his momma making most of her mistakes on her first kid 😉
Love them, unconditionally, even when you’re stressed to the max. That, they will remember.
I swear I really didn’t realize until after I started getting comments here that this was “normal”. It was such a relief!
This type of guilt is universal among mothers. I’m certain every single one of us feels it. If I snap at one of my kids when they didn’t really deserve it, I’m quick to stop, take a deep breath and apologize. I think it’s good for them to know I make mistakes too.
I need to get better at giving out the apologies when it happens instead of later.
I feel the same way about my little Molly. She doesn’t get as much time with me as her older sister does. And she gets way, way less time than her twin brother since he has CP and requires lots of my time. I would have to stop sleeping to make enough time for all my kids. The guilt may never end.
I know…I feel that the guilt isn’t going to end until they’re all grown and out of the house…
Oh gosh, I soooo get this. I feel the same way much of the time. I feel like I run around here like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to make sure each kid gets enough attention and I’m barely cutting it at times.
All moms go through this and I wish there was an easier way to balance everything. But I’m comforted knowing that our kids still love us and they’ll grow up feeling loved, not neglected. We do the best we can and they know that.
Yes! I hope the remember the love and chaos and craziness, and not the yelling 🙂
This was so well written. My easy child often get the worst of me by default and I know immediately when it happens. The only thing we can do is recognize it and try harder. If we weren’t good moms, it wouldn’t get to us 🙂
You’re so right, Poppy…and thanks for the reminder 🙂
Once my mom shared the deepest of deep Mom secrets with me… sometimes your best isn’t good enough but you are still the most important person in your child’s life, so you must – MUST- keep trying.
I’m trying right along with you.
Remember there are 2 of us, we share the responsibility of giving all of our kids the love and attention they need. You do your best and you best is more than most children will ever know. He loves you and so do we!
It is tough to give the oldest child as much attention as we want to once more children come into the picture. You aren’t a bad mom because of this, it’s just the way it goes. He will one day understand.
Aww, how sweet! Loved that letter! I am sure Ethan will totally understand when he reads this letter many many years from now.