Just like I knew they would, my eyes fill with tears as I tell Lucas the photos we are carefully pasting to the page are the last ones taken of my parents. It was my wedding day, seven years ago.
I thought we’d have a couple more years before Lucas had a Family Tree project.
It’s basic, immediate family only, no research required and a few fun questions about our family including, who is the oldest member of our family and who has the longest eyelashes.
I’m worried.
Lucas has been known to tell complete strangers that my parents are dead. Just like that, he’ll blurt out to anyone who’ll listen, “My mom’s parents are dead.” It was shocking the first couple of times but, I expect it now. I’m ready when the cashier at the supermarket looks at me with a blank stare on her face unsure what to say next. “It’s okay.” I say. Of course, it’s anything but okay, but she doesn’t want to hear a sob story and I’m just trying to buy dinner.
Death is a regular topic in our home. I have shared here before the many conversations we have had as a family, the questions my five-year-old so inquisitively asks and the delicate way in which we attempt to ease his precious heart and mind by responding the best way we know how, with the truth.
For us, it is normal. I realize this is not the case in other homes and assume most of his classmates have two sets of living grandparents, maybe more.
Lucas only has one set of grandparents and they are kind and loving and a very big part of our lives. I am grateful for them every day.
I could argue that my parents are a big part of our lives too, as they come up in regular conversation, there are lots of photos of them in our house and many stories and memories to share. But are my parents no longer my children’s grandparents because they are not here physically or because they never had the chance to meet my children? We refer to them as Grandma and Grandpa Adams. In my mind that’s what they are. Right? I don’t have the answers. All I know is, their lives were cut short and were they here, they’d love Lucas and Lola to pieces.
I’m not worried about what Lucas will say when it is his turn to present his family to his class, he’ll no doubt share what details he knows, however, I am concerned about how the other children may respond.
I gave Lucas’s teacher a head’s up and she was grateful and reassured me that no two families are alike and that she would create a sensitive environment for whatever the children what to discuss.
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This must be so hard for you, Tonya. I think you’ve always handled Lucas’ questions with grace, and I have no doubt his teacher will do the same with the kids in his class. xoxo
It makes me so happy that mom and dad are still very much in his life because of how often we talk about them, all the photos and all the questions we ask. I hope he will help my future one day understand.
Beautiful, loving words…I too fear when my son has his first family tree project even though he’s in preschool…not because he doesn’t have grandparents but because he doesn’t have a sibling… so i guess we all have those fears of “who” is missing. I grew up with a wonderful mother who lost both parents very young (by the time she was 22) and she talked about them often and it helped me to understand who they were and how they shaped my mom. It’s important for Lucas to hear you talk of them, they are a part of his life whether physically present or not. Someday when he’s a man he’ll understand how their loss has “framed” your adult life…and through you he knows he would be loved by them… hugs to you… (just a random reader that enjoys your blog).
My father’s father passed away when I was three. I have no recollection of him but my Dad says I got my musical talent from him and that he would have adored me. That makes me miss him, even though I never knew him. That’s what I think of when I think of your kids and your parents. I DO wish it could be different. For all of us.
xoxoxoxo