It’s strange how with age, memories of my youth come back to me in waves.
Vivid memories, snippets of conversations I had dozens of years ago and events down to the detail replay in my mind.
Both good and bad memories occupy space in my head.
One memory I’ll never be able to shake is triggered from time to time and although it’s a part of my past and I’d rather keep it there, never to be recalled again, I know writing about it will help. And sadly, I know I’m not the only one that this has happened to.
26 years ago, just before my fifteenth birthday I was attacked by a fellow classmate.
I was living in Banjul, The Gambia in West Africa at the time. My parents worked at the American International school that I was attending. There were fewer than 200 students in the entire K-9 school, it was a very close-knit ex-pat community.
I had invited him and a dozen other friends to my birthday party. We were at a discotheque at a hotel. The song, “Casanova” by Levert was playing when I left the dance floor.
He followed me into the women’s restroom in the lobby of the hotel, stared at me over the stall and then by the time I had tucked in my aqua tank top and zipped up my white pants to vacate, knowing that this scenario was wrong, he pushed me back into my stall and wrapped his hands around my neck causing me to pass out.
He didn’t say a word.
When I came to, my pants were undone and his hands were groping me.
I lost my mind.
I have no idea how long I was out.
I screamed, I yelled, I clawed at him and chased him out of the bathroom and across the lobby.
I picked up a heavy glass ashtray and threw it at him. It shattered on the marble floor.
I was like a rabid dog out for blood.
I was 14. I had never been touched my anyone that way before.
He acted like I was crazy and the hotel staff was bewildered. Security officials eventually stepped in and escorted him off the property. At the time, I didn’t realize that was the least of my concerns. Come Monday, I’d have to see him in school. There were only seven other students in my class so there would be no avoiding him.
The hand marks around my neck turned red and scabbed by the next morning. I told my parents what had happened. I stayed home from school on Monday and cried most of the day. My father, the principal of the school spoke to him and his father, an apology was made, but never to me directly, our desks were moved as far a part from one another as possible and I was never left alone with him again.
I realize what happened to me was attempted rape and had we been in this country, he would have been charged with that.
Prior to the attack, he had repeatedly expressed a romantic interest in me and it was never reciprocated. We were friends. I didn’t ask for this. I wasn’t dressed provocatively (not that I even knew what that meant or was at the time, nor should it matter anyway), I had been drinking, but was by no means drunk. My memories of what took place that night are crystal clear.
A teenage boy took advantage of me and used his power for his sick pleasure and it has stayed with me for life.
This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 3. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Inspired by Carol, a blog friend hosting a walk in honor of her daughter Shaniel who recently lost her life due to domestic violence.
Domestic violence or any other violence against women should not happen. Ever. Period.
If you or someone you love is being abused, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
My attack was not by definition considered domestic violence, but violence nevertheless.
I am also linking up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out.
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I have chills up my spine, Tonya. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like. I applaud you for being so courageous, sharing your story. xo
It was a horrific experience and I didn’t share it to be applauded, but thank you. I always appreciate your support, love and respect.
Thank you for sharing, Tonya. The only way that violence against women can stop is if more people tell their stories and insist that they are important. Thank you for saying what a lot of us haven’t.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This was really hard to write about, but I’m glad I did.
Oh Tonya, I am so sorry that happened. My heart hurts for you; being 14 and in a situation where you had to look at him again and again… (I mean, how far apart can 7 desks REALLY be?)
I’m also angry that you feel you need to add the part about the drinking/not drunk, because it’s frustrating that women have to defend their state of mind during ANY sort of attack. Hopefully one day our world will be a place where that shouldn’t be a concern 🙁
Now that I’m a mother, 14 does seem incredibly young. And, you’re right… why did I feel compelled to include that I had been drinking? It doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t have happened period!
Oh my friend, so brave but I just want to hug you and take those awful memories from you.
(echoing Angela, I was watching the KATIE show with Mariska Hargitay on it and her husband Peter was talking about their NO MORE website , that is centered around stopping the blame of women for Rape and Domestic Violence, that we stop saying “it was how she was dressed” , “she was somewhere alone” etc…and the other thing that stayed with me was him sayin we must teach our sons that “Alcohol is not an invitation to rape”.
thank you for sharing your truths with us, it will make a difference for another woman who reads this today and I’m hoping that by emptying yourself of this story and memory that it helps you as well.
I love you. xox
Thank you, my wonderful friend. It was hard to recount, but I’m glad I did. xoxo
Oh, Tonya… I remember that night, SO clearly! I remember walking into the women’s restrooms just after it happened when you were still groggy and were starting to freak out! He did get a big thump in the face (by Jamie, right)? Such an awful memory of those days… I’m so sorry that that happened to you… Thank you for sharing. Love you xoxo
Yes, Jamie beat the crap out of him. A small price to pay, no? I love you, my forever friend. I’m glad that you were there that night.
I’m so sorry that you went through this. Thank you for bravely sharing your story. xo
It was hard to recall and share but I’m glad I did.
You are so brave to share this Tonya. xoxoxoxo
Thank you for reading it first. xoxo
Oh my, what a terrifying experience and traumatizing. I’m sorry you had to go through this, my hurt just sunk reading your story and I can’t fathom how you must feel at that memory. It’s worst that you had to see him every single day at school and that you considered him your friend, that form of betrayal is sad and can hurt for so long. Big hugs to you… <3
I think it is SO important that stories like this are shared. Not only does it let other women know they aren’t alone, it raises awareness and gives us solid examples to use to teach our sons and daughters of want can happen and what should never happen. Thank you for sharing your story.
Tonya, my friend. It was so brave of you to write through this. That being said I am SO sorry this is part of your memory and your past. I am SO sorry this happened to you. I agree with Jennifer that it is SO important for women to speak up and out about these things. They should NEVER EVER happen. Thank you for being brave. xxoo
I am so sorry this happened to you. It must have been terrifying.
It is so brave of you to share your experience; I think the more open we are about violence, the better our chances of ending it.
This simply horrifies me- and saddens me that you were so young. Brave words, friend.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am so sorry that you went through this. So very, very sorry.
How utterly terrible. I am so sorry that happened to you Tony and that you even have that memory. xo
I’m so sorry this happened and at such a young age. I wish I could say I didn’t understand, but sadly I do. I only hope our daughters never have to experience such a horrific experience.
There are just too many of us who have been violently assaulted. I hurt for you and with you, Tonya. xo
So brave of you to share this and I’m so sorry this happened to you. It made me think of my own daughter, who is 16 and I hope she will never have to deal with something like this.
No matter how you would have been dressed – this is never ok or acceptable!
Oh, Tonya…damn. Damn it all.
I’m sorry this happened to you. How absolutely frightening! I wish you had been in this country so it wouldn’t have been brushed under the rug. You’re very strong for sharing this story. I’m glad you had such a fighting spirit to protect yourself…
Tonya, I applaud your bravery both now and then. It must be very hard to think about the experience, to write about it, and to share it. God forbid this would ever happen to any of our children, but if it did, I hope my daughters would fight back like you did.
Oh my…. Tonya. I am so sorry that this happened to you and that basically nothing happened to him. Thank you for taking the time and being so brave to share your story with all of us.
I can’t believe that I never knew about this! I am so shocked. It upsets me that nothing basically happened to him. I wonder if he really knew what he did was wrong. I bet that was incredibly hard for dad to handle. I am so sorry that you had to go through that awful experience. XOXO 🙁
You did know about it. I told you the last time we were in Dallas with David & Gail. I probably just didn’t share too many details. It’s a painful memory. Dad could have (and SHOULD have) done A LOT more and it’s honestly one of the few times he really let me down. It was like the entire event was swept under the rug and never spoke of again.
Oh you, I just wanted you to know that I read this, I heard you. Yuck, just yuck. xo
Tonya,
Thanks for sharing this with us. I know it was hard to recall. The same with us… losing our daughter to an act of Domestic Violence has scared and shattered our hearts forever. It is a hard thing to live with. An even harder thing to live without our precious daughter, sister, and mother.
More people need to have the same courage as you. Telling your story can help prevent this sort of violence from happening to someone else.
As if the attack wasn’t bad enough – to be victimized again at school every day. Having a teenage daughter I worry so much about violence… I’m just so sorry.
This is so heartbreaking and terrifying. i’m sorry this happened to you, Tonya. A talking to and an apology doesn’t seem like nearly enough.
What a horrific experience. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this.
What a terrifying experience! I am so sorry that happened and that you ever had to be in the same room with him again. You are brave to share your story here.
This would have been terrifying. I would have felt so resentful over being forced to stay in the same classroom as that boy. Thank you so much for sharing!
Oh, Tonya, this was hard to read. It’s so easy to avoid thinking about this kind of violence. It’s downright frightening to be reminded that this happens to kids by their peers.
{{{hugs}}} thank you for sharing this. Raising two sons, I need to be reminded of my responsibility to actively teach them to respect themselves & to respect others.