Not a day goes by that I don’t think of something I wish I could talk to my parents about. I regret not truly thanking them for my life. Literally. And all the opportunities they gave me. I wish I had expressed my gratitude for being good parents, staying together, teaching me right from wrong, showing me the world, bailing me out a time or two and for my sister. I can only hope they knew how much I loved and respected them.
But it’s the everyday stuff that I wish we could talk about.
I long to share the daily funny things Lucas says and does, seek counsel on the big decisions my husband and I face, relive the warm and wonderful childhood I enjoyed and learn more about the people they were.
The list is endless, but first and foremost, I wish I knew more about my mother’s fertility. I’d like to ask her if she and my father really decided to wait almost 12 years before having my sister or if she had struggles conceiving too. I remember her saying her mother had miscarried but I don’t know the details and I should.
So many times, Lucas will do something that reminds me of myself at his age and I’ll wish I could confirm the memory with my mother. I have a whole set of memories that don’t include my sister because for so long it was just the three of us, Mom, Dad and me. A lot of those memories are fading now.
I wonder how my father would react to having a President in the White House that I simply adore. He was a staunch republican and we would have heated discussions about gun control, a woman’s right to choose and same sex marriage all the time. He was “old school” and would be the first to admit that he just didn’t “get it”. I think my dad would have respected Obama, especially this week.
As educators, I wonder what they both would have thought about teenagers shooting up elementary schools and igniting bombs in public places, hurting innocent people, killing children. My father loved Boston and rooted for both the Red Sox and Celtics. I think he would have been glued to the television yesterday and like so many of us, devastated and confused.
I didn’t know my grandparents on either side very well and I’m sorry that I didn’t ask more questions about them when I had the chance. I also should have taken the opportunity to ask more questions about my parents childhoods, what they dreamed of when they were children and if they if had any inkling that they would make a success life overseas.
I would love to talk to my dad about the book he wrote and published and hear about his writing process. Perhaps it would help me with mine.
In so many ways time has stood still since my mother and father’s deaths almost six years ago and I know I’ll be collecting discussion points for the rest of my life; things I wish we could talk about. Current events, parenting advice and family history aside, honestly I’d talk about the weather with either of them if I could.
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That is what I miss the most too… Talking about the everyday. That will be when I’ll randomly cry… In the car wanting to talk about what I ate for lunch.
Those conversations about little things – which are really big things – are something I can totally understand missing. xx
My heart aches for you.
xo
Rosanne Cash noted once that your parents continue to teach you, even after they are gone. Your sensitive and beautifully written post underscores this. I am so sorry for your loss, but I admire the redemptive way you are managing it.
I’m so sorry. I’m learning there are no guarantees. for tomorrow and I should thank my parents now and ask those questions, write down their stories etc.
I used to journal so much more and my entries were in the form of letters to them. I would fill them in on everything they had missed that day, that week, that month or even the several months since I had last written. It has now been maybe a year since I journaled. I find it overwhelming now to even pick up a pen and stare at that book. They have missed too much that I can’t possibly catch them up in that journal. Sure, the big life changing things but I agree with with you that it’s the little things that I would like to talk to them about the most.
Someone in my grief group told me that since her mom has passed, she talks to her all day long. I would like to do that every once in awhile but I really can’t see myself doing that.
I wonder what they would think about so many things going in our lives and of course in the world. I just have to assume a lot.
Great post Tonya. I wish that I could have thanked them for you. XOXO
My heart breaks for you. If only we could just wish them back.
xo
It really is the every day stuff that hurts the most, isn’t it? I am so sorry, friend. 🙁