Erin of is my guest today with a letter to her parents about a recent visit gone a bit awry.
If you don’t know Erin, she writes Erin L. Margolin, The road to my writer roots and co-founded The Gay Dad Project, a Website and blog dedicated to families who have a gay parent.
Sometimes we want so badly for everything to go right, we set impossible expectations for ourselves and those around us and then look back and wonder what the hell we were thinking; this letter is a perfect example of that.
Dear Mom & Dad,
I’m sorry this trip sucked. I tried to be Wonder Woman, but I’m not; I don’t have a cape and magic lasso. You live far away in different cities and you’re divorced. You’re not getting along. You both want to see the kids and me. Of course we want to see you, too.
Thursday morning, the day we left for New Orleans, my alarm didn’t go off as planned. I shot out of bed like a rocket at 6:45. Woke the twins, told them to get dressed and eat something, leaving the baby to sleep until the last possible minute.
Running up and down the stairs 22 times, sweating pooling in my bra, I packed the car, let the dog out, fed him. Woke Piper just before leaving the house at 7:10 (for an 8:30 flight with a 1/2 hour drive to the airport). I hauled a heavy suitcase, a Britax car seat,
and two carry-ons from the parking garage into the airport myself while the twins took turns pushing Piper in her stroller to the gate. I hijacked a giant rolling cart from somewhere and threw everything on it and we ran to security. Getting through that was perhaps worse, as I heard them announcing our flight boarding while I was yanking my shoes off and jamming everything through the x-ray machine.
With minutes to spare and my t-shirt soaked with sweat, we made it. Several people in the airport asked me if I was okay, if I needed help (see also: the kindness of strangers). I refused most of it until we were boarding when it was physically impossible to carry my baby, my carry-on bags, and her carseat alone through a narrow aisle. By the time I sat down to buckle in, I felt like I might pass out.
Abby looked at me with eyes full of concern and asked, “Mommy, are you okay? Mommy?” I was so overwhelmed it took me a minute to answer and reassure her.
I can’t do it all.
And this was before we even got to New Orleans.
Once there, I tried to appease everyone, but it was impossible. Forget the things I wanted to do for myself.
It’s ALL ABOUT THE KIDS. I went out one night and bonded with my brothers which was awesome. I went shopping once to get an outfit for the news segment and some NOLA souvenirs, but otherwise? That was it. Trip to the zoo, to mom’s office to meet her co-workers, playtime, Morning Call beignets, snowballs at Sal’s, mealtime, quiet time, bath time, naps for baby, laundry, bedtime meltdowns. Lots of togetherness. Cousins all meeting for the first time. My brother and SIL meeting my baby for the first time.
And yet.
It wasn’t enough. You guys furious at each other, Mom angry with me. Everyone wanting more time with the kids than they got. Mom upset with me for working while I was home and not getting time with me to herself. With my three kids plus my niece & nephew (FIVE kids, ages seven & under) underfoot, too. There is never enough time.
Pushing, pulling. A rope ready to come undone into fibers. Never enough to hold onto. Holding on til my hands are raw and blistered and bleeding.
Maybe the worst part is feeling like I let you all down after all the trouble, time, and money it took to make this trip happen. Or the fact that Mom said she’s canceling her trip to Kansas City for Mother’s Day weekend, when I am co-directing and producing the inaugural Listen To Your Mother Show: Kansas City. When I’ll be up on that stage reading a piece about her.
It’s just life. It’s family. We all have our struggles, don’t we?
I want to be like a duck and shake the water off my back.
I want to be able to explain to my kids why there was so much tension, why they didn’t go to Hattiesburg to see PopPop & NaNa. I want to explain why Mom and I were arguing.
But it’s too much, and they’re too little. And they don’t need to know all of this.
Hopefully someday, things will work out. And someday they’ll be old enough to travel alone. They’ll be driving, making their own decisions. And it won’t always be this weight on my shoulders. This heavy feeling of sadness, wasted time, and unhappy endings.
I love you. I just wanted this to work out better. I wanted it to be easy.
Is that so wrong?
Love,
Erin
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My sympathies Erin. I can’t imagine how hard it is. We live near both sets of parents, and I STILL feel that pull all the time. More. More. More. I am so sorry, and I hope your mom doesn’t cancel her trip to see LTYM. I know how much a part of your heart that show is. xoxo
Angela,
That push and pull you describe is the worst. I hope I can learn some better coping mechanisms, otherwise future visits will be harder.
p.s. mom decided to come for Listen To Your Mother!! 😉
Erin, this letter made me feel so sad with you. I’m sorry that it was a rough trip and that it’s tense and hard for everyone. And I hope your mom changes your mind to come and see your amazing show – I know you’re going to be an incredible producer and I’m so proud of you (even though we’ve never met!)
Kristin,
Thank you so much, and I’m relieved to tell you my mom changed her mind and is coming to LTYM after all. I’m happy about that. Thanks for your kind words—I, too, hope the show is a success, but it’s a lot, and we’re really psyched. I’m so glad you came by!
Erin. Oh Erin. I am exhausted just thinking about the part where you get to the airport. And your mom cancelling on your big weekend? That’s a whole lotta BS and she’ll be missing you and your gigantic shining light. I feel way more sorry for her than you- you are the light and you always will be.
Christie,
Yes, I think I’m STILL exhausted from it, and we returned a week ago, LOL! ANd thankfully my mom decided not to cancel her trip to KC, so she WILL be at Listen To Your Mother after all. I’m relieved and hopefully she will enjoy it…thanks so much for stopping by to read!
Hugs, Erin. Lots and lots of hugs.
Lisa,
Thank you. How’d you know I needed those?
😉
I so get the feeling, Erin, and feel so sorry for you. I have often felt the same when traveling over 24 hours.
Traveling on my own with 2 children, for an over 30 hours trip and the 10 hours jet-lag that we have to deal with for nearly 10 days, and all this to end up arguing with my mom after 24 hours, makes me extremely sad! My parents have never come here to see us (we’ve been living here for over 11 years), and I sometimes wonder if they can even imagine how difficult the trip is? Why I’m so exhausted when I arrive and why my children are difficult for the first few days. I’ve been judged on my capacities of being a good mom, just because I was a little cranky after not sleeping for over 40 hours!!!!
I’ve often left my parents home, which a suitcase full of regrets and feeling very bitter. All I wanted was for us to spend some quality time with my parents. They keep asking when we’re coming next, and I’m always the one who comes to see them, no matter how bad the previous trip went. Thank goodness there are also good times, and those are the ones I try/want to remember. I really hope your mom comes to see you at the LTYM show. She’ll be the one sorry she didn’t if she did cancel.
Good luck with the show, and I really hope that your next trip goes much better. BTW, I admire all parents traveling on their own with kids.
Sophie,
Hands down, YOU win the award! Traveling for that amount of time + jet lag when I didn’t even have to deal w/ a time zone change? YOU ROCK. But it’s so refreshing to read about someone else who can relate. It’s a shame you’re the one who always has to do the hauling and make the long trip. You deserve mother-of-the-year award in my book! HUGS!
Oh hon, I am so sorry it was a tough trip.
I hope your Mom changes her mind about LTYM. Truly.
Love you. xoxo
Alison,
Thank you, sweets. My mom DID change her mind, fortunately for me. She hasn’t canceled her trip and we’re trying to work through things. Nothing’s ever perfect, so I am trying to remind myself of that. I swear I’m still recovering from that trip, but I’m SOOOO ready for LTYM!!
HUGS
xoxo
Oh Erin. I feel this so deeply. My last visit to see my mom on the other side of the country was two years ago, and it was awful. I came home feeling like I never wanted to go back.
Enough about me.
It is impossible to make everyone happy – especially when you have a limited time, and a lot to accomplish. I am sorry that your parents placed you in the middle of their drama. You don’t belong there, and they do have a responsibility to put aside their crap when you visit – at least enough that you can see both of them (and that your children can see both of them) without being made to feel guilty.
Your mom is going to miss our on something beautiful if she doesn’t change her mind about LTYM. I hope she changes her mind.
Your kids will grow older (and traveling with them will get easier), and someday you will be able to have those conversations with them. But more importantly, you will be able to create a different world for them. One day when they come home with their families and list of things they want (and need) to do, you will know how to show grace, and support them.
Family is hard, yo. It just is. But you have the chance to ease that path for your kids. Sometimes that is all you can do…and it is enough. You are more than enough. Exactly as you are.
Tracie,
You are such a doll. Thank you for all of your wisdom and insight. It’s good to know that others have experienced similar situations but I’m sad that you’ve been in my shoes. What is it about family? And you’re spot on—it’s impossible to make everyone happy. Yet every time I travel home, I feel like that’s what I’m doing. And then internally I’m screaming, “WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!” And then I feel selfish. It’s a lose-lose situation.
Thanks for reading and offering your sweet words.
love you!
oh man! I was ready to collapse in the airplane seat along with you! Shoo girl. I could feel my own anxiety raising and your trip hadn’t even begun! It’s hard when you travel all that way because time is limited and you want to have fun and you want everybody to be happy. But, know what? That’s a pretty much impossible feat. So much out of your control. Totally relate this though. Can’t we all just get along? 😉 HUGS.
Sarah,
AMEN to that: Can’t we all just get along?
I wish. I don’t know what it is. But it’s so hard. And yes, just getting there was hard enough and then I felt berated for everything once we stepped off the plane. Ugh. I know she meant well and we’re working on all of it, but future trips home will be even more difficult. I hate walking on eggshells. And I should probably stay at a hotel next time, or have everyone schedule appointments with my kids. Snort!
Oh Erin I’m so sorry your trip to see your family didn’t go as planned. I feel like in my case they never do anyway so I don’t even keep my hopes up high. You have A LOT going on! I really hope your mom comes to visit rob hear you speak on Mother’s Day! It sounds so special. Thinking of you!
Mama In The Burbs,
I try not to have high expectations, either, but even so it’s difficult when I go to a lot of trouble to do this and then….it all blows up. And fortunately, my mom did change her mind and is coming to see the LTYM show here in KC….now I’m just nervous she’ll hate my piece (it’s about her, all good things, though)…
Thank you so much for stopping by to read!
I could feel the anxiety in your writing. That kind of stress just sucks. I love the duck reference because in my head, I really want to shake it off like a duck, too. I do hope your mom changes her mind. I wish I could hear you speak that weekend. She’ll be missing out on a huge moment in your life.
Ally,
Thank you so much for reading & weighing in. Yes, there was a lot of anxiety that weekend. And still. We are working through it and my mom did change her mind. She is coming to see #LTYM #KC after all, so I’m relieved about that. I wish you could come, too!
hugs!
Hey Boo?
I learned something about you at BlissDom. Come here, I’ll tell you. Come closer. *Travel stresses you out.* Did you not know this before this trip to NOLA? Because I learned it about you within 10 hours of meeting you.
Yes, you have a jizzilion things to do. And any time you zip in and zip out, you will leave people wanting more, which means leaving them feeling disappointed. That’s just love in disguise. They love you. It might be a love fraught with terrible expectations, impossible ones even. But they are doing their best. And so are you.
And all these projects you have your hand in? They are going to come to fruition. And LTYM is going to faboosh! If your mom chooses not to come? That is on her.
Breathe, Boo. Breathe. Remember your southern roots. NOLA wants you to remember to slow down a little bit.
Renee,
Yes, you’re right. Travel stresses me out. but so does my family, apparently! I am, however, grateful to tell you that my mom decided to change her mind and come to Listen To Your Mother. SO she will be here after all and I’m relieved (but also now worried she won’t like my piece)…
I love you. You are such a doll. I also would love to talk to you about the Remeron some more….when you have time….?
xxoxoxoxo
Sounds like you need a new a few new bras will all that sweat. Your mom will come around. Nothing feels right in my world when I’m at odds with min, but things will relax – I bet venting helped!
Poppy,
Yes, I do need new bras, how’d you guess?? And you were right about Mom. She did come around. She’s not canceling her trip here and she’ll be in the audience of LTYM: KC. So now I can start getting nervous she’ll hate my piece. LOL.
Thanks so much for reading & visiting me here!
I’m sorry. What a bummer. It is so hard when you plan big, important things like that and they just don’t at all go as expected. It is heartbreaking.
I really hope there can be some healing in your family after this trip. It sounds like peace is needed. xo
Laura,
Thank you so much for stopping by. There has been a bit of healing so far, but we need more. It’s a constant process, and it’s that much harder since we live a thousand miles away.
IT will be interesting to see how the next trip goes—GAH! It wears me out just thinking about it!
:::hugs::: and lots of them!
I’m sorry that the trip wasn’t all that everyone had hoped it be and I do hope that your mom changes her mind about coming to see you. If not, then it’s she who will miss out on seeing you and the kids… something that she wanted more of when you were there.
Jackie,
My mom and I have talked, and she is coming to LTYM after all! I’m so glad! Now I just have to worry about her liking my piece! LOL Thanks so much for stopping by!
Dammit. Seriously, how many times will that happen? Many. Until our kiddos are bigger and everyone understands small children, traveling and making everyone happy is HARD (sucks, really). And then all the littles will be bigger, you won’t need the help or the understanding quite so much and THAT is when everyone will realize that you could have used it. …sigh… It gets better.
Michelle,
YES! Traveling with small kids just sucks. You nailed it. Part of me can’t wait to do so when they’re older, but that will bring its own set of issues b/c by then they will not like hanging out w/ grandparents, etc. LOL. It will always be something. But for now my vow is to not repeat this unless I have another adult with me. Period. End of story.
Thanks so much for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!
So complicated. Fragmented families and everyone wanting your time and traveling with 3 little kids. I totally get that part of it! And so much energy expended. I hope that next time is better and easier and lighter.
Ilene,
Yep. I hate it, but fragmented is right. And I can’t even tell you how exhausted I was by that first travel day. It took me much of the following day just to recover from that. Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts.
Erin, my heart does go out to you. I’ve never been a parent, and I can’t imagine what you go through. You seem like such a kind-hearted person, though, the little bit of interaction I’ve had with you. Tender-hearted, really, along with kindness. What a beautiful combination of qualities–kindness and tenderness. This post is particularly well-written, and who knows? It may prove to be redemptive, as well, in a very painful situation. Thanks for a beautifully written piece and giving me lots to think about. Peace and blessings to you and your family; hang in there Momma. I’m thankful for you.
I’m sorry about your trip. I know how hard it is to visit family out of town and have everyone expecting a piece of you while you are there. That’s why we quit traveling at Christmas time. It was way too much for us.
I know I am WAY late to comment but I hope Erin still sees this.
I know this. My parents are not divorced but trips back to Texas are hard, especially on my own (meaning without the husband), trying to see everyone and not get any feelings hurt (even mine), etc.
I am glad to read that your Mom changed her mind. Life is too short to be petty about this stuff.
xoxoxoxoxo
I want to say two things.
I am so so so sorry you had this heartbreak with your mom, and that she’s not coming. I love my mom and we have similar misunderstandings. I know she loves me too. But we don’t always understand each other’s needs.
Second thing. My trip to the States is EXACTLY the same thing. Add on more money. Add on jet lag. And it’s coming up this year right after BlogHer.
1000% feel your pain, Erin. This must have been really hard to write, too, by the way.