From the time I was 17 on, I only saw my parents 3-4 times a year. They worked and lived overseas while I was in boarding school and then college in Arizona. Our time together was precious and never long enough. I believe they made up for the distance, the absence and maybe a sense of abandonment they felt by showering me with material things and checks.
For a while, I liked it.
A lot.
What greedy teenager wouldn’t?
I would pine for something and get it. I will be the first to admit I was spoiled and still have selfish tendencies because of it.
But there came a moment, sometime around my Sophomore year of college that I didn’t like the “gifts” and even began refusing the checks my father would try to hand me with tears in his eyes at the airport upon saying goodbye.
It started to feel like guilt money. I tried to explain my feelings, but they said I was being crazy.
I swore I wouldn’t do this to my children.
Funny how as parents we do that a lot, huh?
In the weeks leading up to our recent move and as we have been settling in, I have overindulged Lucas with more treats and cars and other toys than I care to fess up to. I wanted the transition to be a smooth one for him and I thought the gifts would help. He’s done fantastic. Of course. All he really cares about is that his family; mommy, daddy, puppy and fishy are all together under the same roof.
I have had to bring Lucas along with me to dozens of doctor’s appointments in the last few months and when he waits patiently (WAY more patient than I ever am) by my side, I feel the need to reward him with the toys he asks for. All he really cares about is spending time with mommy.
I learned a long time ago that I cannot take Lucas with me to the supermarket, Target or any other establishment that sells toys because he gets a terrible case of the gimmes and I fall prey each and every time, buying him more crap he doesn’t really need.
The stuff is not only a waste of money, it’s a poor excuse for my love and praise and he doesn’t need a million toys. I know there’s a I want him to have a better childhood than I did thing going on, but the truth is I had a full and rich childhood and I wanted for nothing. I was blessed.
I need to break this cycle now and get more creative with my affections. I need to learn to say no and not be so weak and cave when he says please, Mommy in that sweet little boy voice I know will soon change.
His dad and I do our best to teach our son about gratitude and being thankful for the things he has but my continuous buying doesn’t help.
It’s hard when everything is a negotiation with a three year old and you want to give him the world and that’s why I have decided starting Monday, April 1, because Sunday is Easter and I have already made up an Easter basket for Lucas, I am going to go on a one month, no buying strike. No toys, no games, no Matchbox cars, no packages of Micro Drifters, no sweets, no books, no plastic junk. I will post updates here on my progress.
We are going to rediscover toys Lucas already has and spend quality time together playing games and visiting the library and parks and having good old fashioned play dates. We are going to get back to basics and I will be weak no more. Wish me luck!
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Good luck! It will be tough, but you can do it, Tonya!
I hope you’re right, Greta! Saying no is really hard for me when it comes to that boy.
Awesome. I’m not that tempted to buy stuff for my kids, my guilt is totally over ignoring them while on the computer. And I have enough guilt to share!
It is so easy to fall into the routine of buying, treating, etc. I so get it. It’s FUN to make them happy with material things, but I’ve noticed that those things are quickly abandoned, but the idea of getting things is rooted for a long time. I know I’ve talked to my husband about how we want to focus on DOING things. Good for you for recognizing it. I fear a lot of parents never do.
You can totally do this! We solved the “impulse buy” problem with our kids by keeping true gifts to birthdays and holidays, and the rest of the time we encourage them to use their allowance (starting at age 5). When they ask “Can I have this?” We say, “I don’t know, can you afford it?” It gives them a goal, a feeling of accomplishment and teaches some patience – to them and to me!
Oh man, I am doing the same thing and I didn’t even realize it until I read your post. We are moving in a month across country and I’ve been taking my kids to McDonald’s and museums and anywhere fun/treat to make life happy for them. We have too much crap that we’re getting rid of to buy more stuff, but I sure am buying more fun. Thanks for the wake up call.
I think this is a wonderful idea, and I may need to try it too.
I think this is a terrific idea!
We rarely buy the kids stuff – as it stands, they already have far more than they need. We put half away in a box, then rotate them every month or so. Works great!
Great, I so needed this post, I’m in the same predicament…
I have SO been there. I had actually forgotten about it until I read this post. For a while there we bought too much stuff, and my husband at one point was buying him something every time they went out. We were constantly hearing, “Can I get a toy?” I finally drew the line because I did not want him expecting a toy every time. And the meltdowns I got when I said no reinforced my desire to change that behaviour.
It’s a tough transition but I love your idea of nothing for a month. Probably easier for you to stick to. Good luck!
Same here… it’s so hard and then other times you don’t even realize that you’re doing it!
I think that I’ll join you in getting back to basics. We have enough to entertain for hours on end… no buying for a month.
I learned how to say no after my second child was born. My kids (like yours will be) were spaced far enough apart that I had a lot of one on one “yes” time with my oldest. Boy, was she in for a shock when I learned how to say no. But, we all adapted and though there may be a transition period, you’ll all come out just fine and with less crap to clean. Can’t wait to hear the updates.
That is an awesome idea my friend! Good luck, to both of you 🙂
It amazes me how frequently I think about “breaking the rules” or a “special treat” I am anxious to follow your progress (not sure if that is the correct word) and am inspired to do the same. Happy Easter!
Look forward to reading the updates on your progress 😉 xoxo
I really like this. Good luck, this is a fantastic goal and idea!!
Oh, this is me. I’m such a sucker when it comes to buying them stuff. I need to do this too. We need to focus on just being together rather than being rewarded for every single thing.
Oh, how true your words ring. I just had this SAME thing happen with my Lucas (also 3) while in Wal Mart. He automatically asked for a ‘treat’. Every guilty working mother bone in my body wanted to careen for the toy dept, but I didn’t. I sounded like an idiot but I told him that not every trip to the store results in treats. I know that he values my time more than the lastest Hot Wheels, and sometimes it’s so hard to remember that what we give of ourselves is good enough.
I do wish you luck but I’m sure you’ll make your way through just fine. It is hard. I know; I’m still battling the entitlement/expectation of buy buy buy my 12 yr old has (that I know I created). We want them to have better than we did, but at the same time, we have to temper that with teaching gratefulness. And it’s hard, because I know the things make them happy, but I remind myself that things are temporary; family is forever. Teaching our kids to value their family first and see that “things” come and go is harder than it seems (well, the latter part is).
Good luck momma! What a great idea. And I know what you mean about the “I want my kids to have a better childhood” thing. I had a great childhood even when I didn’t have half as much as what my kids have now! So I think they can live with less now too. But you’re right, we parents (especially us moms, ahem) need to stop with the buying. Maybe I’ll take you up on that challenge too. 😀
Oh man…you can DO this. We don’t buy our kids much outside of birthdays and Christmas. And even then, we don’t get out of control because everyone else in our family handles the “crazy spoil fest” for us.
I will say, I bought Eddie new faux crocs today since his feet are too big for last year’s and you would have thought I gave him a palace the way he thanked me, so sometimes I wonder if a matchbox car here and there wouldn’t be so bad. ha!
What a great idea & I wish you the best of luck!
How’s it going with this?! When exactly did you start? So, can other people still buy him things? When I come next weekend, I will have a few things for him, not much…
He had such a fit when I took him through a TARGET once and I didn’t buy him anything. But we got through it and the melt down passed after some tears were shed. Whew!
Oh I hear this, the only child … the other side of the story is where you want to give them the one thing in the world that you cannot give – I have walked this road remember – and for that I hug you from afar and tell you it will all be alright in the end. Like the movie line, if its not alright, it is not the end.
On another note, buy some fun totes, pack certain toys away that maybe go together and put them up high someplace. Then rotate boxes, with maybe one small new thing to add to the box when you bring it out again – and its ALL new again.
You go mama.
I’ve already read your update post but I’ll say again I like what you are doing.
It seems like my kids act worse when I buy them more (if that makes sense).