It’s going to happen, I thought any day now, he’s going to ask me, “Mommy, where’s your mommy?” and/or, “Where’s your daddy?”.
I thought I would be ready.
I have thought about it a lot, actually. It weighs on me every day and especially when we look at photos.
Lucas knows who my husband’s parents are and that we visit with them often. He also recognizes my parents as his Grandma and Grandpa Adams. He may not be able to grasp the connection or relationship to me and his father, but he knows their significance in our lives. [If you’re new here and don’t know, my parents died 4 1/2 years ago and you can read more here]
So I waited with bated breath.
I thought I would have the perfect response. In fact, I had it rehearsed in my head; exactly what I would say. I visualized being in that moment, fighting back the tears, stating the facts, keeping it simple and taking all my cues from him. Just like the experts instruct.
I thought he wouldn’t ask for a few more years and then the day came.
We weren’t even looking at pictures.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012.
It was right out of the clear blue.
At first, I clammed up. I was stunned. And then I very quickly said, “They’re not here.”
That was okay for him.
For now.
He’s almost three so he accepted my response and went on to the next thing, the next thought. And as I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, I felt as if I had dodged a bullet and thought that is not how I wanted that to go.
I know he will ask again and eventually he will have more questions.
Next time I vow to keep it together and tell him what his dad and I have decided is the best answer for his tender mind and my tender heart: “They’re in heaven.”
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Oh dear god…I have had this conversation with Riley (about my dad)…when she was three she accepted the simple answer. At almost 5, not so much. Don’t worry about your emotions. It’s ok for him to know how much you miss them…
Sending hugs and strength.
xo
I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. When the time comes and he asks again, you will tell him what’s in your heart. They’re in heaven is a good answer too. Hugs, my friend.
I remember preparing for this discussion all too well. It went much better than I anticipated. I decided to make it as simple to understand as possible. I just said, “They are angels.” That provoked more questions like: “Where do angels live?” which lead to “What is Heaven like?” and “Why can’t I see them?” allowing me to keep the answers very simple and as childlike as possible. Now both she and I are very content with knowing that Mommy’s parents are angels who live in the puffy clouds of Heaven protecting us and loving us even when they are not there. A little at a time. They will put the pieces together themselves soon enough.
As a child psychologist, your answer will change as he ages. What works when he is three probably won’t work when he is seven and so forth. My husband’s brother recently died and I was just as distraught over having to tell my three year old son. However, I was amazed at how well he seemed to understand. I should add though that I’m pretty sure he thinks God will give him some more batteries and he will come back to life, but I’ll deal with that when it happens.
Oh. Oh my friend.
I tell the boys that Grandpa Damien (my dad) and Nonno (My FIL) are in Heaven with God/Jesus (depending on the day) and if they ask.
I talk about our dads and my grandmothers (who I was very close to ) all the time, I kiss their pictures as I dust on Saturdays and if they are around I tell them “Kiss Grandma Helen and Grandma Connie”, “this is my Babci *great grandmother* give her a smooch!” and they do and ask me questions and even with tears in my eyes, I answer them.
“Jacob you dance just like Grandpa Damien!”, “Gio, Nonna would love that we named you Giovanni and that you love pasta!”
I know that my answers will have to be different as they grow, but when they ask because I believe they are in Heaven that’s what I say and I try to make it as happy as I can. Of course I miss the people I’ve lost so much and some days I think how unfair it is that I waited so long to have the boys only to have both their granddads not live long enough to see them…but I give the boys what I have…the memories and love I still have for both of them,
hope the answers come easier next time..and I’m thinking of you and your hurting heart. xoxo
Hugs to you Tonya. I don’t know if you can truly “prepare” yourself for that moment, and I’m sure each time you talk about it with Lucas, you will find different words to help him understand a little more each time.
That’s a very hard question to answer, even if you have thought about it a lot. Slowly you will be able to tell him more.
It’s not an easy answer to give. We have the same issue with explaining my dad’s passing to my four year old. And with each answer, comes another question. But we try to take it in stride and guard her heart as best we can. But it is hard.
Blessings and hugs to you!
I dread this so much but I know that it’s going to happen and frankly, I want both our kids to know all about them and to feel comfortable talking about them all the time and to ask questions about them and to miss them. It makes me so happy everytime Lucas looks at a picture of mom and dad and knows exactly who they are. 🙂 XOXOXO
I hope the next time he asks you’re able to give the answer your heart wants to tell!! Xoxo
Eddie will tell you his Papa Steve lives in Heaven with Jesus. And since he was born, his Great Grandpa Sluiter (whom he LOVED) and his Great Grandpa Potter (both Cort’s grandfathers) AND our cat died. So each time we tell them they went to live with Papa Steve and Jesus.
I KNOW he doesn’t get that concept.
But he will tell people where all those men live. It’s awkward for people, I’ve noticed. But it makes me happy that he believes it without question right now.
Your answer satisfied your son, so it was just right. You will find the right words when the time comes, I’m sure of it 🙂
Oh, Tonya. Katie and I just had nearly the exact same moment a few weeks ago and I didn’t handle it nearly as well as you did. I distracted her and completely changed the subject and then I felt horrible.
I’ve been meaning to write about it. Now you’ve inspired me to get it written.
There are just no easy answers.
This is the hardest question to answer to a child. Even rehearsed, it never goes as planned. It satisfied him, which means you got it right. You’ll find more words when the time is right.