Kristin of What She Said is my guest today. Kristin and I have connected via Twitter and I love her easy going nature. I also love her description of why she writes her blog because her reasons are mine and I wish I was able to articulate myself this beautifully:
I write because the emotions I felt upon becoming a mother were so encompassing, I needed a place to deposit them lest my heart explode with love and awe and frustration and fear. Because I want to hold tightly to my most cherished memories of my daughter exactly the way they first materialized in my mind’s eye. Because I hope she’ll one day want to read those memories and experience her life – and some life lessons – through my eyes. And because I’d like to set an example for her to find her passion in life and then wholeheartedly embrace it.
Her heartfelt letter below brought tears to my eyes, not only because of the message, but because I am beyond blessed to be able to stay at home with Lucas and I know for many women that is a luxury they simply cannot afford. Leaving our children in the care of anyone takes guts and Kristin definitely has those!
To My Daughter’s Daycare Teachers and Administrators:
You no doubt know me as an active and involved parent. One who offers a welcoming smile in greeting when our paths cross each morning and afternoon; who takes an enthusiastic interest in her child’s daily activities; and who enjoys both hearing and sharing stories of Lil’ Bit’s personal triumphs and tribulations.
To you, I hope I seem friendly and approachable – confident in my belief that we are allies bound by our shared interest in my daughter’s growth and development.
So, there’s no way you could know the dread with which I once anticipated the end of my maternity leave. Or the guilt that consumed me at the thought of relinquishing my four-month-old baby into your care, when mine was all she had ever known. Or the bone-deep apprehension I felt at the thought of no longer being the center of her universe.
There’s no way you could know that, on the evening of her first day at your facility, I calmly laid down the knife I had been using to chop vegetables, slumped forward until my forehead rested on the kitchen counter, and sobbed. With complete and utter abandon.
“I.CAN’T.DO.THIS!” I gasped to my alarmed husband, mentally crafting my resignation letter while clawing frantically at the recesses of my mind for any means by which we might afford to live on one income. At that time, you were not my ally. Though not quite an adversary, you were at the very least a collective entity to be regarded with skepticism and mistrust.
And today, nearly two years later, I want to tell you that I was wrong. And I’m sorry. And most importantly, thank you.
I’m not a woman who attains her identity through her career. Having never quite discovered my true path, I work more out of necessity and obligation than any real sense of purpose, and am driven not by ambition, but by family. All of which seem to be unpopular sentiments among modern working women.
For this reason, I once wondered if I was better suited to be a stay-at-home mom. Which, in turn, left me feeling as though I were somehow cheating both employer and child. Which then confounded my already-oppressive working mom guilt. Which eventually led to a stunning spiral into the depths of postpartum depression. But that’s another story for another day.
I’m happy to say I no longer bear at least one of these burdens. Though I still struggle with a supreme lack of confidence surrounding my career path and continue to grapple with what exactly I want to be when I grow up, I no longer question if I’m doing right by my daughter by placing her in daycare. Because I know without a doubt that I am.
Under your care and guidance, Lil’ Bit has simply flourished. Her socialization, language, and cognitive skills grow stronger each day. Recently, my husband and I found her counting grapes in Spanish, a development we regarded with open-mouthed wonder, knowing she could have only learned it at school (seeing as we’ve been remiss in teaching her Spanish and she has no interest in Dora). She also enjoys telling us about her classroom activities and speaks fondly – and often – of her teachers and friends, to whom she has clearly grown attached.
But I’m most grateful to her daycare environment for the sense of independence it’s fostered. For when I look at my daughter, I see an adaptable, self-assured child – one who is as comfortable among her peers as she is at home with her father and me. And though it may pain my heart to hear her command, “Mommy, go to work,” each morning when I drop her off, in my head I recognize that she is actually saying, “I’m confident and happy here, Mom, and I’ll be just fine without you.” And this, I know, is a blessing.
So, I once again reiterate my mea culpa: I was wrong to fear you. I apologize for doubting you. But most of all, thank you so very much for the care you take in guarding and nurturing my most precious gift.
Sincerely,
Kristin
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I was not a stay at home mom with my first child so I know how hard it is to send the little one to daycare. But they do get good stuff from daycare. My oldest was full of independence, my youngest not so much.
I do think part of it is nature – their little personalities inherent from birth. But at the same time, I can’t ignore the nurture aspect of a daycare setting, either.
They do get good stuff from daycare.
I can’t imagine how hard it was for you that first time, dropping her off at daycare. I’m very fortunate I get to stay home with my son. But I also question whether his socialization, language skills etc might have been more developed if he had the same benefits of daycare Lil’ Bit had. I wonder whether I’m doing right by him.
I’m so glad daycare worked out for you!
See how the Mom Guilt just does not go away?
Of course you’re doing right by him! The fact that you would even question that means you’re doing right by him. Not to mention you’re a caring, devoted mother who made your own career sacrifices for him.
We can’t be all thing to our kids. I may struggle with my own issues with being a working mom, but if I was a SAHM, I’d be wrestling with the same thoughts as you.
C’est la vie. And sometimes it sucks.
Thanks so much for having me here today, Tonya. And for your kind words. And especially for allowing me the opportunity to write this very cathartic letter (and explore this topic further on my own blog). It’s been a long time coming. 🙂
OH Kristin,
wow. I’ll start by saying that my time to write a letter for this series is coming up in April,on Monday I had put a finishing touch on it and was getting ready to send it to Tonya..but I got busy and thought, I have a few weeks.
It was THIS LETTER almost verbatim. I kid you not. It was more about me needing to work, wanting to go back and my PURE GRADITUDE for the women who are raising my children, the girls I leave Gio and Jacob each morning who had taught them to count, read (to some degree) and to love with all their little tiny hearts.
what I am trying to say is that beyond this letter being SO ELOQUENT and touching, it split me apart and put me back together as much of your writing does to me. It offered me perspective and a feeling of understanding as another mom who is working out of necessity, a mom who stands at the window of the daycare and throws kisses at the window knowing that her children are loved inside those walls too.
thank you so much for this post…even though I can’t use mine here now, I feel like I wrote it with you, next to you. I am so proud to be a mom in the world with you my friend.
(Hi Tonya, love you girl!!!)
xo
First, thank you, Kir, for your sweet words.
Secondly, thank you even more for being so gracious in light of the fact that I totally hijacked your post concept! (I’m so sorry!)
This is quite lovely and I can relate. I drop my little man off and he walks sstraight to his toys so he can play with his friends. I walk away without a second glance, knowing he’s where he needs to be. Glad you’e found that peace, too.
I do walk away without a second glance most mornings. But there have been some rough mornings too, when I’ve walked away with a lump in my throat. And then there have been the mornings when I’ve gone back to my car, put my head down on the steering wheel and cried.
The separation anxiety comes and goes – for both of us. It’s a constant roller coaster of emotions.
Kristin,
As a once professional nanny-I know how hard it is for moms to leave their most precious gifts in the hands of others. As a SAHM, it is even harder for me to fathom, I am lucky in a sense that I get to stay home, because finacially it just doesn’t make sense for me to work outside the home. I took immense pride in cring for other women’s children. I knew it was a sacred job & I gave it everything I had, as if the children were my own! It is very important for your daughter’s caretakers to know how much you appreciate them-this letter is beautifully written-I hope you share it with them!!!!
First, thank you for being such a caring and nurturing childcare professional. 🙂
Secondly, my mom and husband – both educators themselves – also told me to share this with our daycare providers. So, I probably will.
Oh Kristin!
I can relate to this post so well. I never ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. In fact, I KNOW I am just not good at it. But when I went back to work after having Eddie I cried my face off the first time I left Eddie at daycare. And our daycare provider is a FRIEND who does in home daycare.
But in his 2 and a half years in daycare he has flourished so much. He gets to do all the things that, let’s face it, I just don’t like to do all that much. Like crafts and endless playing outside.
I in no way can take full credit for my little guy being so smart and socialized. His day care moms share that credit with me.
I’m so glad to see another mom admit that they’re not over the moon about crafts and endless playtime. I once wondered if I’d missed out on some aspect of the maternal gene because I also get very twitchy when it comes to that stuff. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that it’s OK not to love every aspect of motherhood – even the stuff that’s supposed to be fun. Yet another realm of mommy guilt to come to terms with.
And I loved your last line about sharing credit for Eddie’s development with his daycare “moms.” I published my own correlating post about this topic on my blog today and that line is so similar to one that I wrote as well. It takes a village. 🙂
This is so damn perfect. All of it. And you. xo
Plus, you know… I have nice jubblies.
(Inappropriate in someone else’s house? Probably. And thank you.) 🙂
This is such a sweet letter. I was a nanny and a teacher, and if I had ever received a letter like this I would have been moved to tears. I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home mom now, but I also know that my son could have thrived in a daycare environment. It is so hard to make these choices, but if our children our thriving, then whatever choice we made was definitely the right one.
Thank you, Julia. My husband and mom are both teachers and have encouraged me to give this letter to my daughter’s daycare director. Sp, I probably will. 🙂
This is a beautiful letter and captures so many conflicting emotions. I stayed at home with my first son but went back to work after having my second. Similar to you, I still haven’t quite figured out what I want to be when I grow up. While I wouldn’t give back the time that I spent with my oldest son, I also know that I wasn’t meant to be a SAHM. I’m not good at it. We are fortunate to have found great caregivers for our kids and I know that they are taken care of and loved. They’ve learned so much at daycare and school. It’s still gut wrenching though when they run to their teachers, friends and toys in the morning without looking back but I know that they are happy.
It’s bittersweet, for sure. But definitely a blessing overall. Her happiness is worth it. 🙂
Oh my, what a beautifully written, heartfelt, and emotional letter about two moments that so very many of us have faced.
The decision to day care, and the disdain for it. And then the “I was wrong” retrospect.
This was a lovely and poignant read, you two!
Thank you, Galit. 🙂
This was good for me to read since I am the primary caretaker for Jake when his mom and dad aren’t around. I need to remember to always strive to push him to learn new things and help him grow as a person. I vow to his parents to always do these things.