Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

That Girl

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I honestly don’t pay that much attention to the number of followers I have or the traffic my blog receives on any given day, but I do notice that every time I write about my grief over losing my parents, I lose one or two readers.

Especially if it’s consecutive posts, like last week: Ashes To Ashes / I Thought Of You Today.

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I worry about it from time to time and bring it up because I don’t want to be “that girl”, the one that “always writes about her parents deaths”.

Letters For Lucas is a place where I feel it is safe and appropriate to be open and honest about my loss and love of my mom and dad, but I can’t help but wonder why I lose followers.

I’m not offended, I’d just really like to know…

Was it the subject matter? Was there not enough description or possibly way too much? Maybe I just rubbed someone the wrong way or perhaps they needed one less blog to read. Those are all fair reasons to stop following and trust me, I understand how uncomfortable death and loss is to read about.

Why do you stop following a blog?

For those of you that have stuck in there with me, thank you! I appreciate all of the support, virtual hugs and kind comments. I pour my heart and soul into my posts and they are very therapeutic. I know in my case, the way my parents died is very unusual and part of the way I grieve is by writing. It has helped me survive something that could have dropped me to my knees for the rest of my life.

Loss is a part of life and while for my parents it was too instant and too soon, there will never be anything I can do to change it, so I write about and remember and heal a little bit each day.

I am never ever looking for sympathy, just a connection.

Having said that, I do promise to try to lighten the mood around here.

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Comments

  1. You know, I just think that for some people, they don’t want REAL LIFE. They want sugar-coated, what-we-did-at-the-park-today blog posts. But for those of us that love you, LOVE what you’ve built here…we will stay. I love writing that speaks to me and comes from the heart. That is what I get over here, sweet friend. Much love to you..xoxo

    • I am so happy that you are my first comment on this post. I hesitated before pressing publish because I think a lot of it is n my head. I appreciate your kind comments, loyalty and friendship. Thank you. xoxo

  3. I lose followers when I write infertility posts. I’ve only written about my dad once, and that was at moonfrye, so hopefully she didn’t lose too many from that 😉 I agree with Sherri, I think some of the more difficult topics are hard for people to process and so they move on. But hard doesn’t mean any less beautiful, and I understand the need to write about it. You’re healing. It’s what you do. Be true to yourself, it’s all you can do. xo

  4. I also see it as a way for Lucas to learn about you, his grandparents and what they meant to you! And it gives us readers a way to know you better as well!

    Keep doing what you are doing Tonya, you do it so well!

    • Absolutely! I write for me, but certainly for Lucas to read someday too.

      I appreciate your kind comments.

  5. Like Jessica said, I stop following when a blog loses their heart. I want to be able to connect with the writer, to feel what they’re feel, and to empathize with them. You’re full of heart and honesty, and that’s why I keep coming back. xo

  6. As a reader and a huge fan, I sometimes don’t comment on your heavier posts because I don’t know exactly what to say. I always read and appreciate them. Your parents death is a huge part of your experience and you couldn’t have an honest blog if you didn’t write about them. Your posts about them are always written beautifully and and they leave me aching for your loss.

    There aren’t many blogs I unfollow after I get hooked, but I admit it takes me a long time to get hooked.

    • Thank you, Poppy. Your words mean a lot to me and I appreciate every visit you make to Letters For Lucas. Whether you comment or not. xoxo

  7. I unfollow blogs when I feel like the blogger has lost touch with her/his readers, when she/ he stops being genuine and sincere, when sponsored posts follow one after another, and when she/ he stops connecting and communicating with their readers.

    You’ve done none of those. I agree with Sherri – some readers just like the light stuff, and back off when they see some heavy stuff. It’s no reflection on you.

    Keep writing what you write, Tonya. It’s who you are. That’s what matters.

    • Thank you, Alison. I appreciate the encouragement and love it when you comment (which I’m grateful is just about every single day!). xo

  8. Your writing is part of your healing and although I haven’t been a regular here (that’s something I’m working on) you words are beautiful and real. Don’t let this stop you from being who you are 🙂

    • I have been putting a lot of myself out there lately, that’s for sure. It’s scary, but I honestly don’t know how else to me.

      Thank you for your sweet friendship and support. xoxo

  10. I hate to think that anyone writes their posts specifically because that’s what their readers want — part of what I really, really love about blogging is the back & forth . . . someone posts what’s on their mind, someone else comments about how this is similar to them, or how it made them smile/laugh/chuckle/cry . . . and, in time, you get to know each other.

    Honestly, I treat my blog like a living diary . . . and, I’d say, yours is pretty similar, Tonya.

    When I decide to unsubscribe from a blog, it’s almost always a combination of content & poor writing. I’m very particular about who I choose to follow . . . but, if I find that I have inherently different beliefs than a blog author, post follow, and I find that I need to re-read a post in order to understand what they’re saying, well, that’s when it’s time to unfollow.

    Please, please, please don’t lighten things up because you think your readers want you to.

    • Thank you, John. I appreciate your kind words. They make all the sense in the world to me. 🙂

  11. Completely understand where you are coming from and honestly, I think some people don’t want to hear it unless life is sunshine and roses. I went through a phase where I tried to write “happy” all the time and it didn’t work. It wasn’t me and it wasn’t authentic. I don’t think you ever need to apologize for blogging your true feelings. Your blog is for you and everyone one of us who love you will be here, good or bad days.

    • Yes, I have tried that too, as an experiment and it didn’t work for me either. Staying to your to who I am and what’s in my heart is where I need to remain.

  12. You write plenty of light hearted posts. Losing your parents (and in such a sudden, unexpected way) is part of who you are. Since this blog is also part of who you are it will, and should, include the parts of you that aren’t as light hearted. Although I so rarely comment on those posts I would never unfollow you because of them.

    I have unfollowed blogs for many different reasons. Being too vulgar. The blog has become a cesspool of whining, complaining or bitching with no happy posts in sight. Needing to cut back on how many blogs I am reading due to time constraints. Don’t feel a connection anymore with the writing. WAY to many sponsored posts compared to non sponsored posts.

    Never once have I unfollowed someone simply because they felt the need to some a part of their life that is not all sunshine and rainbows.

    • That’s good to know, Stephanie, thank you. Life after all is not all sunshine and rainbows. Sadly. Real stuff happens and for me, I’m more likely to write about the bad stuff because it’s how I cope with it.

      I appreciate your readership. Truly. xo

  13. Truth: those posts are some of my favourite ones. In them, I see you and that’s one of the reasons (among many) I continue to read your blog.

    I think others are right – some people just don’t look for that in a blog they read, and that’s okay. (Question – how do you know you’ve lost a follower?)

    But as someone who writes about hard stuff sometimes, I appreciate that I’m not the only one. xo

    • I almost have to write about the hard stuff in order to work through it and accept it. Thank you for your friendship. xoxo

  15. I struggle with this sometimes, when I notice that my traffic is less when I write about depression. My opinion: this is your blog and it should serve you, not the other way around.
    Stay true to yourself that will help you keep your blog close to your heart and who knows what great thing will come out of it! Continue to write, continue to heal.

    • I just need to keep reminding myself that this is my space and people may come and go and that’s okay. Staying true to my voice is all I should be concerned with. Thank you for your kind comments.

  16. The posts that I’ve read from you that talk about what happened with your parents are so heartfelt and some of my favorite ones from you. It lets your readers in to see you. Happiness, sadness and all. I will also tell you, that every single time I’ve read one of your posts about your parents, I go and check the batteries in our carbon monoxide/smoke detector. Even if you lost a follower or two, you may have just saved someone from having this tragic accident happen to them. That is priceless. I hope you take this comment the right way in that you have a story to tell – the good and the bad – and I hope you always feel free to tell it. 🙂

    • You’re right, that is priceless.

      I appreciate your comments and know that I understand every word.

      This is my space and I need to remain true to myself whether readers come or go.

      Thank you.

  17. Don’t change anything. You are who you are and this is your domain so write what you want. Your words and honesty is real and wonderful and it’s refershing that you share your emotions here. You are a well-rounded blogger that can’t be categorized by a few posts.

    And I agree, writing is theraputic. xoxo

  18. I only unfollow blogs that aren’t updated in a year or more. I sometimes do wonder, when losing a follower after a post, whether it’s something I said that inspired their decision, but I must remind myself that if something I said was that bad that they felt the need to unfollow me, I probably didn’t want them around anyway. I lost one of my parents, so I do appreciate your writings on the topic (if that helps).

  19. I think that it’s still possibly an incredible coincidence. You say you don’t follow your numbers very much, but I’m guessing when you write these soul baring posts, you keep a closer eye on them. The days that you don’t pay any attention, maybe you lost three followers that day too, over a much less “important” too. But you weren’t worried about people’s reactions, so you didn’t look that at your followers that day.

    With GFC going away, I’ve had countless people tell me that they don’t “use” it for anything anyway – they don’t read blogs that way, they just sign up for giveaways with it, they use to use it but now they don’t, they followed 4500 people with blog hops 2 years ago but now never look at it, etc. So, sometimes those unfollowers could simply be people deleting their GFC entirely, cleaning it out to use it “right” shutting down their google account, etc.

    The main reason I unfollow blogs is because they go from talking about their kid (or whatever subject that led me to follow them) to doing 90% giveaways or sponsored posts OR blogs that don’t update for more than 5 months get axed too.

    • Thank you for your comments. And you’re right I do watch the GFC numbers a little closer after one of my heavier posts. But with it going away, I’ll probably never check my numbers at all…. as long as I have my “regulars” and there is some engagement, I’m happy.

      And I agree with you about the blogs that are all sponsored posts and giveaways. Talk about lacking heart.

  20. Please don’t censor yourself. There is no way I would unfollow you or anyone else who was having a hard time. We read because we care. And you need to be you and you need to write as you are feeling at that moment.

  21. I just started a new blog – putting up my first post tonight. I gave up my old blog that I had worked hard on and built a little following for. But I’m starting anew because I *couldn’t* really spill my guts when I wanted to. Too many people in my town knew about my blog and were getting too judgy, too nosy. So now I’m anonymous. And i can be honest – hence, the blog name. 😉 I think you should be who you are and write what’s on your mind. If it’s not what people are looking for, that’s ok. Others will love it!

  22. Don’t ever stop writing what is in your heart Tonya. Your parents are part of your history and this “YOUR SPACE” to write about what makes u special, what you love and value and I will never stop coming here and I willl never ask you to not write about this or that…just be YOU.

    Xoxox

  23. It’s strange, because I was JUST wondering this very question this morning. I don’t have many followers (only 14) but noticed this morning it was down to 13.
    It bothered me at first, and I (in my infinite quest to keep everyone happy) wondered if I had written something that offended someone. Guess I’ll never know… but with HUGE numbers like mine, I needn’t worry 😉
    As for your blog? It’s fantastic, and I LOVE the fact that it’s always from your heart. Whether it’s funny, sad or somewhere in between…

    • Thanks so much.

      I know I’ll never be a “big” blogger and I am perfectly okay with that, but I do notice when I lose a follower or two and I really wish I knew why, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter.

      Honest, from the heart writing is what works best for me when I visit blogs and it should be my MO here too.

  24. The only blogs I’ve unfollowed are some that I started following at “the beginning” when I would follow for giveaways or things like that. I haven’t done it often, because I tried to be cognizant of the number and content of blogs I followed.

    I hate to think that people would unfollow because you expressed your grief. It’s a real and important part of your life, and it would be a disservice to hide it. Not that you’re looking for affirmation, but your writing is never depressing. I think you write about grief in a way that shows how much you want to appreciate what you still have.

    • Thank you, Angela. Your words mean a lot to me.

      I hate to think I lose followers because of my subject matter too, but it’s just too coincidental, ya know?

      BUT, I have deleted my GFC (which is going away in March anyway) and now I can’t eve see the numbers go up or down.

  25. I just have to add that you should NOT stop writing about how your parent’s death affected you. This is your place, and you need to fill it with what you’re feeling.

    I can say that I’ve stopped following blogs that don’t interest me, but not because they were too “real.” Mostly, I just didn’t feel like I had that much in common with the author.

    I can’t imagine why anyone would “unfollow” you. You are amazing and I love knowing how things are with you and Lucas!

    • You are so sweet, thank you for your kind comments and all your support. I truly appreciate it.

      And you’re right, this is MY space. 🙂

  26. I typically unfollow blogs that post giveaways, reviews or they just are not real to me. I personally <3 your blog and your story! I've been reading for probably over a year now, but rarely get time to comment!

    • Oh, I understand that. So many blogs, so little time.

      I have a crazy story and it helps to write about it. Thank you for reading. Over a year, huh? That makes my heart smile!

      • Yep :), I started following in the summer of 2010 I believe, right around the time GiGi did her awesome b2s/b2b challenge 🙂

  27. I usually stop following blogs when it’s clear THEIR voice has left–either they’ve moved away from personal writing to something else or if they’ve started doing mostly reviews or…if they’ve started censoring themselves. If I’m following a blogger it’s because I love seeing THEM, their voice, their struggles and joys.

    There have been a few rare RARE occasions when I’ve stopped following blogs because I find we no longer have anything remotely in common, but mostly, I just want to hear a real, authentic person behind the words.

    You are a real, authentic person. I hope you don’t worry too much about losing readers because you’re being you.

    • Thank you for your kind words, Ginger. I truly appreciate them.

      I like being me so I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and if I lose followers along the way, so be it!

  28. Tonya, it could be a number of reasons…and possibly completely unrelated to the post that preceded your follower’s departure. But there’s also the possibility that its directly related because that person has also experienced a great loss. I know for myself after the loss of my dad there have been different things I have needed at different times. At some points I’ve needed to relate and at other times the reminder of his passing and absence in my life has felt too GREAT to be reminded of it. Maybe that’s been the difficulty for some when reading about your loss, but that doesn’t mean they no longer care for your writing or lack appreciation for your pain. Rather, its that they themselves are hurting and can’t (at that time at least) bear the burden of someone else’s grief along with their own that they find so unbearable. I remember you talking about not decorating for Christmas because it was just too hard…maybe your heart revealed matches too closely the heart of some of those former readers and its just too hard…for now. All that said…please keep sharing your heart…for your own sake, as well as ours!

  29. I haven’t been reading your blog very long but I was touched by your openness about your grief. Touched by the love you expressed for your parents and in no way was I put off or offended at any time by you sharing your reflections.

    You seem to have a big heart, I’d just listen to it and not worry about those followers.

  30. I’m sorry about your parents. It was so sudden, so unfair, it’s no wonder that you’d need to address it time and again. This is not an uncommon or bad thing.

    Different people have different reasons. I’m guessing that most people do not have unlimited blog reading time. So they subscribe & inscribe to what they want to be reading Right Now. I see you’re on FB, Twitter, etc. You may have people unsubscribing to some of those since they mostly only read blogs from a single source because it’s easier for them.

    I have subscriptions on my Google Reader of blogs I’ve liked here & there, but don’t prioritize to read daily. The ones I read daily are on my Blogroll/Facebook for easiest access.

    Don’t forget: there are always more people out there reading you than you know of. Just keep writing your true words, and they will be heard.

    Came from the WOE linky.

  31. This is my first time here, so I’m not in the least offended or depressed by your writing. I am a pretty upbeat person, but that came at a price. I’ve read that you can only experience joy to the degree that you’ve been hollowed out by pain. During the hollowing process, it can be very difficult. Once you’ve walked through a couple of the ups and downs in life and start becoming familiar with the rhythms, even the grieving periods can take on beauty, because you know there is deeper joy on the other side.

    Writing yourself through your pain is a gift. Thank you for sharing.

  32. Aw, write what you want to, write what you need to. The best of people will stick around, if not, it’s their loss. My heart goes out to you and admire the strength you have to keep on, to write and to share. Thank you. 🙂

  33. This is the truth:

    time.

    It’s all about time.

    i can’t visit all the blogs I want to.

    It already feels impossible..and I barely get to see one tenth of those I want to.

    It’s not personal, but I’m sure it feels personal.

    I’m sure it hurts to see others stop visiting.

    But I believe it’s not intentional, I believe it’s not enough time in the day.

    And the more you visit, the more work gets created.

    I ALSO KNOW TWITTER has cut down on traffic. Time spent on twitter is time that used to be spent on blog reading.

    For me, I can say that I have not stopped clicking over here because of any posts.

    It’s just so many hours in the day… and there’s just not enough of them.

    Love to you.

  34. I can’t imagine stopping following a blog or someone because of a loss they have experienced. How cruel! It makes me wonder if those people are uncomfortable around death or haven’t (fortunately for them) experienced how crushing it can be. Coming from an infertility background, I tend to write about it from time to time as well as having lost a father and a father-in-law in 1.5 years and preparing to lose a grandmother very soon, and you know, that’s my life. Life isn’t sunshine and roses and sometimes bad stuff happens and we need to express that.

    Please don’t let this keep you from posting on your grief. It’s your right to express it.

  35. I’m a lurker around here and always enjoy your thought provoking and deep posts. I can relate and I enjoy the honesty. The last few months haven’t been roses for me either and it has been therapeutic for me to write about my mom. I know the same is true for other writers including you! Keep living, keep writing!

  36. I’m pretty new to the blogging scene so I can’t say why I would stop following because I don’t follow that many yet. I can tell you why I chose to follow though. I do so if the writing is fabulous, the subject matter is relevant, I laugh or cry, I can relate to the writer and or the subject. I can say, I have experienced all of the above with your blog.

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