Each time the topic of what to do with my parents comes up, I freeze. I don’t have any deep thoughts on the subject, I just become mute.
My sister would much very like to scatter their ashes somewhere special, a place where we could go and “visit” them, she says. A place that is quiet and just for them and us, too. A memorial with a plaque or bench that would allow us to pause and reflect and remember.
Sounds peaceful, right?
I understand the importance of establishing a permanent memorial to help us deal with the continued cycle of loss, but I like them being on the top shelf in my closet, side by side greeting me each and every morning.
As strange as it may sound seeing their urns and knowing that they are there is comforting.
But I suppose she’s right, it would be nice to have somewhere to go.
But where?
Arizona might be appropriate. They loved the desert (even in the dead of summer) and all of our fondest memories of them are of our time there together in their home in Tucson. Selfishly though, how often would we get out there to reflect?
Although they weren’t water people, I have always thought being scattered at sea would be pleasant/romantic/circle of life-ish, but apparently there are all sorts of regulations and somehow that doesn’t feel right either.
Most couples have special places that they enjoy being together, but I can’t think of where that might be for my mom and dad.
My aunt once suggested somewhere near the college campus where they met, but that doesn’t make sense to me. Canyon, Texas was definitely a pivotal location in their history, but it was only a starting point for all the amazing things they did.
My parents spent almost 30 years living in far away places; Asia, Africa, South America and not one of them stands out as their proper resting place.
As much as I would like to help my sister through her grieving process, I hope it’s okay that they just hang out in my closet for a little while longer. Plus, I have visions of them attending her wedding someday.
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I can totally understand that…the comfort of having them there. What a hard thing though…hugs to you.
Accepted are always accepted. Thank you. xo
I hope that you and your sister come to a mutually agreeable place for your parents’ final resting place. *hugs*
Me too. Thanks, Alison.
What a difficult decision to make….
Yep and one I’m clearly struggling with.
I totally get this. My dad is buried in CT, an hour from where my mom now lives. When I go back East, there just isn’t time. I wish he was in my closet. Keep them there as long as you can.
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Thank you for understanding.
I absolutely understand why you want to keep them nearby. I don’t know when/if I’d be able to let go of their physical presence either.
They are going to stay put for as long as my sister will let them.
Oh sweet thing, I can see the attachment to having them there with you, such a great loss to you. And to your sister … does she view it as more of a closure kind of thing ?
Possibly inappropriate but hey, I am foreign 😉
So lightening it up a little … my girlfriend has a ‘boyfriend’ from New Zealand, his Mom passed before she had a chance to meet her. At her house one day, the UPS man arrived and her younger teen son took the package. We called to him to ask what was there and he called back the address it had come from. My girlfriend said, ‘oh, its Ken’s Mother’ … and then we heard a thud as he fainted holding the packaged urn.
Now they too, do not know what to do with her, so have her on a shelf in their bedroom … and it just seems many shades of wrong to have your man’s Mom on a shelf while you are .. you know …
They were thinking ocean … I was thinking soon …
I think it would be closure for both of us. And maybe, just maybe I’m not quite as ready to say goodbye. Not in a scattered somewhere kind of way.
I cannot even imagine receiving a loved one’s (or even stranger’s) ashes in the mail. Crazy!
I think that keeping them nearby for a while longer is alright and when you’re ready you and your sister will find the perfect final resting place for them. A place where they would be happy.
I hope you’re right.
I hope you don’t get offended when I say that I think it’s weird your parents are in your closet. =/ But anyway…it must be very difficult to figure out what to do with them and keep everyone happy at the same time. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent (let alone 2), and I hope that you and your sister will find a way to bring peace in regards to your “situation.”
It is weird/strange/creepy/sad all of the above, but until we can decide together what to do with them, there they’ll stay.
I appreciate your comments.
For the record, my husband thinks it’s weird too. 😉
I cannot even imagine having to make this choice. I absolutely can relate to wanting to keep them close –whether that be your closet or somewhere you can visit easily. My parents have laid things in out their will what they would like done-one day in what I hope is the distant future, but I imagine that their choice is over water. Which although yes, sounds romantic, does leave my feeling as though there will not be “one place” to converge. Wishing you strength in what I can only imagine is just one more difficult step in mourning.
Thank you and bless your parents for having it laid out in their will. Mine did not.
My sister and I will get there… eventually.
I sincerely appreciate your kinds words.
What a difficult decision. I think you should do whatever feels best for you.
For now, the closet feels best.
We’ll figure out something together in time. Eventually. Hopefully.
I wouldn’t know how to pick a place either. And since you like having them there, it would be especially difficult.
It’s just too difficult right now. I’m not ready for that type of closure yet. Maybe someday, but not yet.
I just wanted you to know that I read, and am sending you what I;ve got.
{I adore this transparent, reflective side of you.}
Thank you, I’m trying to let myself go there more often.
I appreciate every word of mine that you read. xo
I wouldn’t want to let my parents go either and in someway…I am sure your parents are very content on their spot in your closet close to you.
Your comment made me smile. I hope they are happy. 🙂
If it helps to keep them close to you a little while longer, then I’d do it. When the time is right you’ll both find a perfect place. Sending hugs. xoxo
Thanks, Kim. I think you’re right. I’m not ready to let go yet. Maybe someday.
I completely understand this. Hadley’s ashes are sitting on my shelf too. My husband wants to scatter them somewhere, I want her home with me, even if she is in an urn. One thing I did do is order jewelry from the funeral home that can hold some of her ashes. It is a tear shaped pendant and I wear it all the time. Maybe when you are ready this would ease your pain a some, having a bit of them to carry with you always. I’m so sorry this is a burden you have to carry Tonya.
That’s a lovely idea, Jessica. I’m glad that you always have a piece of Hadley with you. I bet you reach for that tear drop all long.
I think in time, my sister and I will figure it out. They deserve to be somewhere special.
I still would like to have a place to go to be with them and talk to them. But we don’t have a perfect spot in mind so perhaps that means that they are fine right now where they are. Every time I come over to your house, I have to spend a quiet moment alone in your closet saying hello to them. 🙂
I had a feeling you did that.
I try to keep “their” shelf uncluttered, but I agree someday, when we are both ready, they deserve to be somewhere nice. I wonder what they would have wanted?
We had Cort’s dad cremated too. His ashes were (illegally) spread over Lake Michigan because it’s what he wanted. A small pouch of them stayed with his widow, Cort’s stepmom, until last Christmas when Cort’s grandpa died. Then they buried the pouch so father and son could rest together.
So we have a place. Places, actually.
But you know what? We don’t even go. I am not a “place” person.
And neither is the hubs.
It’s so hard to find what is comforting in something that is the ultimate in uncomfortable.
I pray for peace for you.
Oh, Katie, that made me tear up… I love that father and son are resting together.
I don’t think I’ a “place” person either and I don’t like the idea of separating them but hopefully in time my sister and I will figure out what’s best.
Such a dilemma and I am sorry that this is a struggle for you. I hope you two can come to a mutual agreement since you both equally deserve to be happy with their ultimate resting place. I never visit my father’s grave and it is because, no matter where I am at, I know he is there. I look at (in my case) his buried casket as a shell, a shell of what he once was and his spirit is now all around me and my family. I sometimes look at the most unusual things and think, is that dad looking me through my cats adoring eyes or the sun beating down on my face? A final resting place is important but for me, it is where the spirit goes. Sort of a like a cocoon after the butterfly has taken flight.
Oh, that’s so tough. I can actually imagine how that must feel, for both you and Leah.
I’ve often thought about how I would feel about splitting a loved one’s ashes up – scattering some somewhere and keeping some with me. I don’t know – it doesn’t feel the same, as though it’s not really the person if you do that.
In any case, I hope you find the right solution for you both.
Keep them close, because they are everywhere anyway.
As you said, because they lived all over, there are many places that hold special memories, and I know you don’t need just one place to think about them. That happens anywhere you are anyway.
My mother’s parents are buried a few miles from my house and my mom doesn’t visit often. Everyone is different, but you and your sister can reflect, think about, smile and miss them anywhere.
So I say keep them close, at least until you and Leah agree on the one special place. You’ll know it when you find it.
I’ve been meaning to come over and write to you for days. I’m finally here and I’m so sorry I’m late.
My dad was creamated. When we got his ashes, my mom divided them up between the 3 of us (the children) and she kept the rest.
My dad is on a very nice shelf in my house, in a very nice jar/urn. Since I believe that he is really everywhere and can hear me whenever I talk to him, I enjoy this way of ‘having him around”.
We do not have a plot for him, he didn’t want to be buried and so we didn’t..plus I hate cemetaries…if I can talk to you at your gravesite why can’t I talk to you while I dust the house? Plus as is usually the case with Catholics we think that having a place to go and place flowers etc is the “right” thing to do, but I don’t agree. I think your loved ones are in your heart and mind a lot more than the number of visits you make to their grave.
the jar/urn with my dad in it, is half full…because i took him to VA Beach, the Jersey Shore, Aruba, St Maarten, Florida and out to sea on our cruise. He has traveled the world and lays on all the beaches he would have loved sunning himself on. I feel like he is warm and happy and grateful that I listened to his requests. In that , I did get closure with his death and freedom too.
I hope no matter what you decide that you know it’s the RIGHT thing because it’s what your heart is telling you to do. You have to be settled in your heart with the decision…and that is what makes it sacred and special.
much love my friend. xo