I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.
Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.
I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.
Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.
We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory.
This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.
We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.
He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.
Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.
I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.
In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.
I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.
As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”
Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.
Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.
As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.
Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one.
And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.
Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?
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The issue of gratitude scares me. I know the time to teach Monkey this is near (and I’m already trying). He has no want for anything, as he doesn’t lack for toys.
He doesn’t get to go shopping much, but on the occasion he’s been to a toy store, he’s never shown the “I want that” behavior – yet. I’m hoping it’d stay that way for a while!
I know that will change, so I hope I can be as strong as you were, and power through the experience.
As for that bitch, I think I would have had the same response. It’s not her business, she had no right.
Liam is three and similar in his love of (make that obsession with) cars, both disney and matchbox. I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes we just go to “visit” the cars. For no other reason…just to see that they are there and he can look and tell me what he likes. We also use sticker charts to earn matchbox cars…he went through a phase of not wanting to nap which prompted it, but now he earns stickers for trying new foods. Every three stickers he gets one of those cheap cars. Riley is a tougher sell bc she’s 5 and wants everything. They are only allowed to choose from the dollar rack at Target at the beginning of the trip and they can’t open it until we pay. The Berenstein Bears Get the Gimmies is a GREAT book about this and we read it when the gimmies start to come back, or just reference it. It’s hard, but the cycle can be broken 🙂
Here are some things we do in “everyday” but could be adapted for this breaking of the cycle. We do NOT give a toy per trip. 3 year old twins… it would add up. We do involve them in picking out toys / gifts for others. Even letting them help wrap and decorate the paper. we make a huge deal out of “how excited **** is going to be with this gift.” You could do toys for tots. break the cycle really fast around the holidays. go out and by only for other people. that would be my suggestion. We have also left the store without anything but a screaming child or two in a football hold. I can always go back. it is a big reward to go shopping with Mommy – so not going is taken away when they are not good listeners. I also remind them this trip is not for you. Finally – as to what to say to that woman. Your response was just fine. Mine would have probably involved a little more cussing or just dropping my kids at her feet and asking her how I better deal with it.
You could always use the phrase, “those who cast stones at glass houses….” I think that sounds bitchy without cussing 🙂
No worries. You will do it. Good luck Kristen @ http://www.alittlesomethingforme.com
I am having the same problem with my 2 year old. Every time we go to the store he wants a new train. I can’t get into the habit of doing that one for their price, but more so because of the lesson of gratitude. I’m trying to teach him that he doesn’t need or get something every time we take a trip to the store. Sure, sometimes it ends in tears and fits and tantrums, but we’re working on it. And I guess right now that’s all I can do.
What a horrible thing to say, for one thing. When I see someone having trouble with their kids I always try abs sympathize. To he judgy helps nobody, and she has no idea of what a good mother you are.
Instilling an “attitude of gratitude” in our kids is hard, and in our area I see so many teens who never learned it.
It was rude of that woman to make that comment to you. Children sometimes have tantrums.
I used to buy my oldest daughter a baby doll every time we went to Target. She expected it as soon as we walked in the door. I don’t remember any melt downs but I’m sure she had them. With my second child I’ve been pretty good at avoiding buying her toys when we go shopping.
Good luck with teaching Lucas about gratitude. My children are still attempting to learn it (unwillingly).
N my opinion, the way to raise a child is personal and always will answer the question: is it working for you and your family? If it is and there’s no complain, the rest of us should not make you doubt your parental skills.
That person got what she deserved. Even if she was right with her statement, she was only seeing a snapshot of YOUR life so trying to make you feel bad about it doesn’t make any good. They need to come down from their high horse and mingle with REAL people.
I will tell you an opposite story. One time I had the kids in the grocery store and told them they could rent a red box movie if they behaved. Well I went to the rest room, leaving them with the cart (that you can do when the kids are older), and they were just racing down the aisles and creating mayhem. So, when we got to the checkout and I repeated, no movie tonight, Andy had a meltdown. As I was headed toward one myself, a nice man ahead of me looked at me, and without saying a word, took a deep breath. And he was telling me what to do, which helped quite a bit, and I said thank you. And we didn’t get the movie, but I told them we could have one the next day.
So, I think the next time this happens to you, you just need a little phrase, like, “I’m fine, thank you”, or “this is none of your concern.” If you have that in your brain ahead of time, it will come to you when you need it.
Your post should be a reminder to us all that we don’t know the whole story. I mean, I’m the first to admit that I get irritated when I see a parent letting their child throw a fit in a public place. But I don’t know the whole story, and maybe the parent is practicing tough love rather than just tolerating a screaming child. Maybe it’s about more than just what’s happening in that particular moment.
We’d all do good to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes from time to time.
I had a woman make a comment to me once when my son (less than 2 at the time) was throwing a fit in a restaurant. I was trying to calm him down, but he’d never been a fit-thrower, and I was a little overwhelmed by what was happening. As she walked by our table, she told me that I needed to put a hand to his bottom, and even though I was shocked at her audacity, I calmly told her that she needed to mind her own business. I could’ve easily gone off and cussed her out, but later I was really glad I responded in the dignified way I did. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong – she was the one who was out of line.
As far as raising “entitled” children, I’m a firm believer that the current generation of 14-24 years old all believe they’re entitled. This unfortunately includes my 21 year old son. I never felt like I was spoiling him, but now it would appear I did. Nowadays my advice to little ones is simply don’t be afraid to say no. It might be hard, but it’s actually better for your child than constantly saying yes. I think you did the right thing with Lucas!
{and I apologize that this comment turned into a short novel!}
I am probably the worst person to discuss this with because I would buy Lil’ Miss Thang a Mercedes if it meant no tantrums in public, but you know what? It happens.
Now to the woman who gave you the snide remark… I think you handled it rather well. At that point I would’ve taken my flip flop off and just start beating her with it a la Ally McBeal style. Do they not see the sheer panic in our faces when our little lovelies suddenly turn into Godzilla?
First? There’s no shame in responding to that woman the way you did. I think I would’ve responded the EXACT same way. What an impudent bitch. The nerve of some people. I’ll admit – before I had a kid of my own, I certainly *had* those thoughts about kids throwing public tantrums, but I certainly never would have voiced them. And now? Well, having been there, in Target, trying to nip a public meltdown in the bud, you’ll get no judgment from me if your kid’s throwing a fit. It happens. End of story.
Secondly, good for you for standing your ground with regards to Lucas’ behavior. I can only imagine how hard that was. No, really… I really can only imagine it because we haven’t quite reached the phase yet, but I know it’s coming and I’m strengthening my resolve now.
Bottom line? A few public meltdowns in Target now are a small price to pay for a lifetime of understanding that compromise is often necessary and self-entitlement is always ugly.
I had to come back again, because you were on my mind…that woman who said that to you? So very rude, and you had every right to lash back at her. It sucks to have someone be all high and mighty, and she has no idea what the rest of your day or week has been like.
If I see someone having trouble in a store like that, I always try and say something like, “It’s so hard when they are little” or “It’s hard for them to understand that they can’t have all the cars, isn’t it?” because we have ALL BEEN THERE, whether we remember it or not.
Go to hell was a pretty damn appropriate response. LOVE!
Through modeling and reinforcements I do believe all kids finally get there..but holy hell it’s a rough road.
Sometimes at 43 I still whine when I can’t get the boots that I really want at Anthropologie.
Hugs mama. You are doing an amazing job.
Love you. xoxo
It’s very hard to not “spoil” your child when you have the means to do so. I was poor growing up (not an exaggeration) and I am not spoiled because it wasnt an option. Chris & I both want to raise Klaw to appreciate what he has but it’s hard to fight the urge to make him happy with a toy here & there. It’s a daily struggle. You’ll find the balance.
As for the stranger, you were nicer than I would have been.
I just can’t imagine busting that out to someone going through a trying experience with their kid. Seriously, if you’re not going to be helpful, just shut up. What bugs me — though again, I’d never say it — are the parents who keep threatening something over and over, but don’t follow through. “If you don’t stop that behavior right now, I swear I’m going to….” “I’m serious, stop right now, or you’ll be in big trouble”…etc. (But I digress). We started our kids on “earning” (charts for good deeds, etc.) and “allowances” very early. That way we really don’t have to say no. They’ve either earned it or not. As far as gratefulness, I agree that focusing on others can start at a very early age. Maybe he’d be willing to give away one of his cars to a kid who doesn’t have any. And if not, it makes him start learning that he’s lucky to have what he does. You’re a good mom. Lucas will get it. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you’re consistent you’ll be surprised how quickly it does happen. Good luck!
First, I kind of love that you said that to her. What was her response?
I probably would have said, “He’s 3 (or 2 or whatever). He’s learning a much-needed lesson and if you don’t want to listen to it you can walk away.”
Oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea what I would have said. It wouldn’t have been as awesome as “Go to hell” though.
In any case, we are having this EXACT same issue. It’s awful – both the behaviour and the lack of gratitude. Any time we say no to anything he has a total meltdown. It SUCKS.
Ugh, I so wish that I had been there to tell that woman to f off and mind her own damn business! No one really gets what it’s like with a toddler until they are around one a lot.
Most places I go, I see something that reminds me of Lucas and I think of buying it for him but then I remember that he doesn’t it and he probably already owns 10 of whatever it is. But it’s easier for me to walk away from the item because he isn’t standing next to me. Just continue to be strong and say no. He’ll learn to more grateful. I tend to think this is just a phase and he will grow out of it in time. I hope. 🙂