This week I received two birth announcements, learned that three friends are newly pregnant and to really rub it in, a darling new baby boutique just opened down the street from my house. Don’t even get me started on the Duggar’s.
Seriously, it is enough to push me right over the edge, but I won’t let it.
This year I suffered two miscarriages, my third and fourth, one in January and one in November. The latter was via IVF. Nice way to bookend the year, huh?
I’m allowed to be a little edgy, aren’t I?
Before this gets too ranty, I am truly happy for my friends and their new little bundles of joy and very excited for the others that are anticipating their second, third and FOURTH children.
I am also more grateful than words could ever express for my son, Lucas. He is a gift and some days I think if it weren’t for his smiling little face, I don’t know what I would do.
And to set the record straight, I don’t really feel as though anything is being “rubbed in my face”. Not intentionally anyway. Good news is meant to be shared and I love good news!
I have a deeper respect for my friend Coreen, who called to tell me about her new addition personally. Thank you, Coreen, I’m wishing you nothing but the best. xoxo
I’m just sad and frustrated and confused and completely inpatient. Not to mention, angry at my body’s unwillingness to cooperate one more time. I’m only human and I know that my feelings are normal, but DAMN IT, I hate that I have them. I hate that I feel like a failure. I hate not knowing what’s wrong, I hate the aging process and what it does to your reproductive system, I hate having my nerves on full alert, I hate doctor’s offices, shots, blood draws, waiting, worrying [please stop me anytime], but I mostly hate grieving for someone I’ve never even met.
HOWEVER, at the end of the day I remain hopeful and I know someday, somehow, I will have good news of my own to share.
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((hugs))
Accepted. Thank you.
My beautiful friend…you’re allowed to have moments like this.
If you don’t allow yourself to feel things things, I know first-hand that it will eat you up inside.
I’m here, but you know that, right?
xoxo
Thank you. I wish it wasn’t so easy to be so hard on myself.
xoxo
Grieving for someone you’ve never even met…that tore me up.
You have the right to feel your feelings, and I love how you are giving others the right to their joy. This is such a horrible place to be in, and I am hoping the new year brings new joy to your heart.
Thank you, Sherri.
I’m really looking forward to 2012.
I love you.
I love you right back, Katie. xoxo
Tonya, I am so sorry for your losses. Your feelings are more than understandable. Sending you hugs.
Thanks, Jenn. xoxo
Hugs to you. I completely understand how you feel. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant with or just had their second child, and I wish it were that easy for us. Having our son took several years; sometimes even thinking of a second child seems impossible.
I am trying to remain positive and forever hopeful. I know it’ll happen, I just wish it was sooner rather than later.
I totally understand . Thank you for being there for me, even though it’s so personal for you. I love you my friend.
Thank you, Coreen. Your friendship means the world to me. xoxo
This is so heartbreaking to hear, Tonya. Your feelings are completely understandable, and I can’t imagine anybody not feeling resentful in this situation no matter how much you love and adore your friends. It’s just simple human nature. I am hoping and praying right along with you, Friend. Hugs and love from San Diego!
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words and understanding.
(((((YOU)))))
Thank you. 🙂
That must be so tough and I’m sorry for your losses. Here’s hoping that the New Year brings joy, happiness and good news.
I am more than ready to ring in a new year of possibilities. Thank you for your kind words.
In the same way that we as a society get mute and dumb around death, we too get mute and dumb when friends suffer miscarriages and infertility. Because what can one say really that could help mend that hole in your heart? I am so sorry that you are going through this, I hope and pray that you will have the baby you wish for. Lots of love to you!
I believe you’re right. And there really is nothing to say. I think it’s all about time passing and trying to stay positive along the way.
Thank you for your kind words, Yuliya. xoxo
Thank you for showing honesty! Hugs to you.
It’s the only way I know how to be. Especially when it comes to loss and suffering.
No comment can take the pain away, but know that so many people support you and ache for you and will stand by you through the journey, in real life and in here. Sending a huge cyber hug. Hang in there.
Thank you. That’s why I wrote this… I know I’m not alone and the support from my friends is what gets me through.
Love, light and hugs to you, Tonya.
Thanks, Alison. Ever so much. xo
Oh Tonya I am so so sorry. Infertility is so draining and an IVF cycle is so demanding that I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. You have every right to feel all of the feelings that you are feeling. I don’t think I attended a single baby shower when we were going through treatments, I just couldn’t handle it. Sending hugs and here whenever you need me.
Thank you. I know you understand.
I really am overjoyed by all the pregnancy and new lives around me. It’ll be my turn again soon. I hope. xoxo
P.S. If you ever need a friend to cry, drink and swear with, I’m your lady
Best. Comment. Ever. Thanks, friend. xoxo
oh Tonya…I’m not going to pretend to know what it feels like, but I am sorry for your pain…
It’s difficult. There is nothing to say. Just know that I’m okay. Or will be. 🙂
I echo the sentiments above…
And if words could make it all better, I’d write the perfect ones.
XO
I know you would. Thank you. xoxo
Your feelings? Totally legit. It’s got to be frustrating and you can’t expect to hold it in. That’s what we’re here for.
I’m feeling very loved and supported by all these kind comments. xoxo
Oh Tonya, I remember this place … so sad and dark. Its so hard for others to understand the idea of feeling our bodies fail us, that we fail.
Be kind to yourself dear friend, be gentle, hold onto to your hope, hold onto your dream.
Much love, and so many virtual hugs xxx
Hugs are the best, virtual and the other kind. Thank you. xo
You have every right to your feelings. Your grace through this is astounding; I can feel your grief but also the genuine feeling of happiness for the people having babies.
I’m still keeping my penny wishes for you Tonya, and I hope so much that you get good news soon.
Thank you, what a nice compliment. I’m doing my best. Some days are harder than others. I appreciate your kind words.
Love you and so proud of you and still crossing everything I’ve got for you to have your own good news soon. xo
Thank you. I am definitely feeling the love. Writing about this was so therapeutic. I love that. xoxo
Oh man, my heart sank when I saw the hash tags on your tweet linking to this post. I’m so so sorry that you’ve faced yet another loss. Ugh :o(
I know you probably know this, but everything you feel is normal and nothing to feel ashamed of. I think just about everyone that’s been ttc for any amount of time past the “few month” norm has felt that icky combination of elation and devastation at each announcement of pregnancy around them.
Hang in there, Tonya, it’s GONNA happen for you guys. Big hugs.
As usual, the nose on my smiley face messes things up. That should be a 🙁 guy above, obviously!
Pesky emoticons!
It has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions, but we’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Thank you for the words of encouragement and understanding.
I’m so very sorry, Tonya. I’d been thinking about you a lot lately and wondered how things were going, but didn’t want to pry. These feelings are definitely normal, but please don’t feel like a failure because you aren’t. You’re the exact opposite for continuing with hope. You will have good news to share with all of us someday. I send you hugs to Cali and only wish I could do it in person. 🙂
Thanks very much, Elena. I appreciate your kind words and I, too hope that only good news comes in 2012!
As you get to know me you will quickly see that I can never seem to find the right words to say about anything or everything. But I can promise you that I will wish on all the stars I can find for you.
You are the best! Thank you, Nicole. xoxo
Tonya, I’m so sorry, hon. Even if people haven’t experienced infertility, I think most can relate to the conflict of emotions when those you know achieve something you struggle with yourself. Hugs!!
Secondary infertility is especially frustrating! Thank you for your nice comments.
I wish I lived closer so that I could give you a hug and take you out and have a good laugh. I’ve been wishing and wishing and I’m so hopeful that one day soon, you’ll have some good news to share with us. You MUST let your feelings come out! Sending you lots and lots of love, my friend XOXO
I love you.
That is all.
xoxo
Love to you, darling lady..
Love to your very beautiful human self..
Thank you. But what the hell are you doing commenting on blogs? Aren’t you in the hospital? Crazy lady.
Oh my friend it breaks me inside to hear you have such pain, our stint of not seeing each other must end so I can hug you in person. You are an incredibly strong person – of which you know – stonger for allowing your friends to know you need them and be loved. I love you much and am praying for you as well. Hug Hug Hug…. Long hug.
Yes, we are long overdue for a hug. Here’s hoping we can get together soon. xoxo
I’m so sorry you’ve had such crappy luck. I was hoping the acupuncture would help. I’m no longer doing acupuncture (primarily because I’m preparing to move) but also because I was feeling hopeless and like nothing was going to help, so why waste any more money? I’ve taken a few months off from TTC and have a much better head on my shoulders now. No baby, but a better outlook. Dammit either way. I will be thinking about you.
And I, you. Here’s hoping 2012 brings us both a lot more to smile about.
Hugs to you, Tonya. Too many of my friends are going through this or have gone through this. Breaks my heart, the unfairness of it all.
xo
It’s so unfair, but we are dealing with it the best way we know how and will not give up hope.
You are not a failure.
Thank you. That’s exactly what I need to hear. Over and over and over…
You are absolutely allowed to feel this way. Let it out, otherwise it will eat at you.
The new year is right around the corner. I know that it will be full of good news for you. Sending you love and light. xo
Thank you!
I hope you know that I mean it when I say that I am happy for my pregnant friends. 🙂 It’s a miracle to rejoiced.
I hope that you have good news to share very soon. My thoughts are with you as you go through this struggle.
Thank you, Jessica. Thank you very much. xo
I know how you feel, I hate that you are struggling and feeling all those emotions. While they are normal and right, it tears me up inside to think of you hurting. If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, please come find me. I love you, I’m sending hugs, I’m praying and “Calling the Angels” for you. Always.
xoxo
Thank you, you are amazing! Truly. It helps so much to write about my sadness and frustrations and get so much love and support in return.
Amazing.
xoxo
Sending you (((hugs))).
Accepting with open arms. Thank you.
I’ve been in the place you are now..I’ve expressed loss not IVF..but I know what it’s like to want something so bad and then only have it for a brief moment but in the brief moment you loved it with all your heart…and then to have to deal with the loss of your hopes and dreams…My heart is broken for you..please take one day at a time and don’t be hard on yourself. As a woman we blame an awful lot on ourselves especially when it seems that our body has
failed.us.. I hope you have a good support system at home that is very important…you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs.
It’s so unfortunate that so much of this post could be written by so many of us.
I remain hopeful that 2012 will bring you nothing but happiness in all aspects of your life.XOXO