Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

One Tear

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If you’re looking for a great mommy juice er… I mean, Cabernet, Merlot, Shiraz, or Chardonnay, Rachel is your gal. Her wine column on Momtastic is awesome!

Rachel also has her own blog, Mommy Needs a Vacation and I am happy to have her (straight off a Hawaiian vacation) as my Letters For You guest today with a beautiful and heartfelt letter to her father.

Dear Dad,

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 was one of the longest days of my life. Not only did it involve a long plane flight, it involved the most worry I had endured in my life. You had been lying in an ICU hospital bed for ten days and were now on life support. Your body invaded with infection; MRSA infection, in your lungs, in your spine. We still did not know if it was in your heart. The flight was a long one.

I stepped off the airplane in Hawaii and was immediately overcome with the hot, sticky air. Yet, I was cold, with a shiver that I could not shake. On the way from the airport to the hospital, my younger brother John explained your condition to me in more detail. He told me about the machines, the beeps, and the tubes. I had experience visiting a loved one in the ICU before when Sadie was born, but I knew this time would be different.

As I made my way through the hospital, I tried to hold my head up, stay strong and most of all, keep my emotions at bay for Mom. I was there to see you and be by your side, but was also there to support her, be her sounding board, be a shoulder for her to cry on.

Once inside the ICU, the coolness, the sounds, and the smells were almost too much for me to withstand. I passed room after room of extremely sick people and wondered what you were going to look like. More importantly, I was worried that you would not know that I was there.

I worried that I was too late.

As I entered your ICU room, the sight of you took my breath away. Lying there, helpless with IV’s, tubes and the giant breathing tube down your throat. Even though John told me it was important to approach and talk to you normally, I still hesitated.

I worried that you would never know I was there.

I worried that you wouldn’t make it.

I worried that I wouldn’t be strong enough.

I approached your bed, took your swollen hand and squeezed it tightly. John opened your eyes and told you that I was there and just for a small moment, you focused on me. You then quickly slipped back into your slumber, but not before a single tear left your eye and ran down your cheek.

It was in that one tear that I knew I was not too late.

It was in that one tear that I felt the hope grow inside of me.

It was in that one tear that I knew you would be okay.

As I sat across the table from you just this past week while visiting you in Hawaii, I couldn’t help but think about the last time I had seen you there. This time was much different. I got to enjoy your company, hug you, drink fabulous wine with you and watch you be a grandfather to my children.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for fighting for your life. Thank you for being my dad.

I love you,
Rachel

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Comments

  2. Oh Rachel,

    What a scary time for you and your family. I’m so very glad he pulled through and is back to his old self again! What a beautiful picture of your dad with your daughter!!

  4. Oh Rachel…now I am bawling. My wonderful step-father battled the same damn staph infection, one that threatened to take his life as we watched helplessly. He mustered through it, like your dad did, but what an incredibly horrible experience.

    I am so glad he pulled through. What an incredible letter! Love you…

  5. I can only imagine how terrible that plane ride must have been for you. I’m so glad your dad was okay and that you were able to visit him last week.

  9. That is a great picture and a wonderful letter. How scary for your whole family. I no longer hate you for leaving me and going to Hawaii.

  10. Sigh. It’s so hard when your parents get sick. You want to be a support system for your mom, but at the same time you just want to cry that it’s your Daddy, get better, you can’t be sick 🙁 I’m glad to hear that he pulled through, my Dad also came down with a nasty infection from the hospital that had us all very worried. It’s so hard . Hugs

  12. I remember your emotions through this all too well yet – and am so thankful that your dad did fight, and that he is able to play with your kids. What a beautiful letter my friend. What an amazing thing to be thankful for.

  13. Beautiful letter, Rach.
    I remember last August…I remember seeing the fear in your eyes.
    I am so grateful that he recovered and is doing so well.
    Much love…

  14. What a beautiful letter, Rachel. This made me all teary and think about my own father. I am glad that yours is now recovered and is able to be with you all again. Enjoy your time together. =)

  15. Extremly poweful & truly touching- my heart feels the very well expressed words full of emotion & it feels the heartache, and love! Incredile letter!

  16. Wow – that was an awesome letter to your dad. And what a moving moment that tear symbolizes.

    I lost my dad 14 years ago to cancer, and he was all I could think about while reading this letter. The unknown. I could totally feel where you were coming from on your way to see him. And even walking through the hospital.

    So glad your dad pulled through and you are still able to enjoy his company and he is able to be a grandfather to your kids. That is such a beautiful thing.

    You are very blessed 🙂

  17. This post definitely brought a tear to my eye. So glad your dad is Ok Rachel. That was a terrific letter. I just spent the day with my dad today and I know never to take that for granted.

  20. First of all, you look just like your dad! Secondly, I remember when this happened last year! And last, you just made me cry. What a beautiful post my friend!

  21. That was beautiful, Rachel. I love my dad so much. I couldn’t imagine going what you went through and holding it together. I’m so glad he made it through.
    And BTW… his stache is bad ass.

  24. Oh my gosh: you are so blessed to have each other.

    I can’t even imagine.

    My father passed away (suicide) when I was 6.

    I always wished for what you have right now.

    Lucky, lucky woman.

    And lucky, lucky man to be able to read these words from his child.

    I get a lump in my throat thinking about one of my children, being able to find the words to write such beauty to me.

    Wonderful moment in life to witness here.

    Thank you

  26. I am so glad that he won this fight because dealing with the emotions of when they don’t win this fight sucks.

    Trust me on that.

  28. What an amazing letter and so well written! I really felt like I was in that hospital room with her and could see that one single tear drop from her father’s eye. It must be such a wonderful gift being able to watch your children spend time with their grandparents. It hurts everyday knowing that I’ll never get that chance with my own parents.

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