I am 10 minutes early.
After signing my name on the first available line, I sit and wait.
Deliberately I thumb through magazines, one after the other as families of four smile up at me from the glossy pages.
It’s finally my turn.
I am ushered to a dark room and asked to undress.
The image on the large screen above me is fuzzy, difficult to make out and yet somehow I know.
My hands begin to sweat and I am holding my breath.
“I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
A sound I have never made before escapes my throat.
This post is for Write On Edge’s weekly writing assignment RemembRED. This week’s prompt: Conjure something. An object, a person, a feeling, a color, a season – whatever you like. But don’t tell me what it is, conjure it. 100 words or less. Constructive criticism is welcome.
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Oh Tonya, this is so well done, in that I am there with you. But I wish you wouldn’t have had to go through that.
I am amazed at what can be said in 100 words.
Thank you. 100 words says a lot, doesn’t it?
You conjured it perfectly. Proud of you for writing about this and sending love for the loss. xo
Thanks, Robin. I appreciate that very much. xoxo
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Hugs to you.
Hard to believe this actually happened in January. It was too easy to be back in that room. Sigh…
You already know how much I adore this post. It’s honest and poignant and strong.
(I am so, so very sorry this is real.)
Much love to you friend, beautifully written.
I am so grateful to you for being the first one to read this post. I worked on it a lot and your support and kindness mean the world. xoxo
Oh no! I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers to you.
Thanks, Cari. It was in January, but so easy to conjure up in my head.
i’m sorry tonya. i knew about this but you just made it really real. 🙁
Thanks, Juli. What I described here was miscarriage #3. Can you imagine? We’re still trying…
I am so very sorry for your loss. You are brave and strong for sharing this. It’s beautiful and raw.
Thank you. Sometimes writing is very therapeutic and I appreciate all the support and love.
worst feeling ever. prayers for you xo.
I hope I’m never on the receiving end of those words again. Ever!
So much love for you.
Thanks, Tracie. So very much.
My heart breaks. I am so sorry you experienced such sadness and loss. Thinking of you and sending you love. Such strength in sharing. Huge hugs.
Writing is so very therapeutic for me. I appreciate your kind words.
I am so sorry for your loss. My words aren’t enough.
Thank you. Much appreciated.
So much joy and hope just vanishes in just a few seconds, leaving you feeling completely empty… Such an awful feeling. Sending you big, big, hugs, My Friend xoxo
It was a roller coaster of a moment… Hard to believe that was in January. Here’s hoping I never hear those words again. Ever. Sending love to you today and always. xoxo
Oh Tonya, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thanks, Alison. 🙁
Oh that just feels like a punch in the gut at the end. I am so sorry.
Indeed. Hard to believe this scene occurred in January, it was far too easy to put myself right back in that ultrasound room. Sigh…
Oh my friend. Oh no. I had heard those words too, actually I had heard “there is nothing in your uterus” and that last line is exactly how I felt: that the grief I was about to feel was coming out of me in sounds that I didn’t recognize.
It was a beautiful piece to describe an unimaginable moment.
My love, hugs and hope are all with you today. XO
I’m sorry for your loss too. It’s so hard. This was difficult to write, but I needed to, you know? This scene took place in January and even though it’s been months and months since then, I was able to conjure up the emotions as if it were yesterday. Strange how the memory works, isn’t it?
Thank you for your kind words, Kir. xoxo
I remember those appointments and I remember holding my breath. I’m so sorry that you had to feel this pain. So very sorry.
Thank you. Everything was better than text book with Lucas that I just took all the good news for granted I suppose. I hope I never hear those words again.
oh honey.
i felt the fear. and i heard the sound at the end. ive made that sound too. so much love to you for your bravery in letting us in to read this.
Thank you, I appreciate you saying so. I was nervous about pushing *publish* on this one, but I’m glad I did.
i’m so sorry. i’ve been in that waiting room, i’ve been in that ultra sound room. all with the same outcome as this piece. and i’m SO sorry.
I’m sorry for your loss too. Here’s hoping neither of us ever hear those fateful words again.
I send you my hugs and my genuine tears. Words seem so useless right now. I’ll be thinking of you. So sorry.
It’s been 10 months since the miscarriage, but in an instance I’m back in that ultrasound room. Thank you for your kind words.
What a terrible moment. I know all to well because the exact same thing happened twice. It was like the world had come crashing down around me.
There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make it better either.
Hugs.
It’s so much more common than I ever thought. I’m sorry for losses too. This was #3 for us, but I’m hopeful that the next time will go smoother. 🙂 All digits are crossed.
I am so sorry you went through something so terrible. I’ve felt anxiety like that in the ultrasound room too. Hugs.
Thank you. That room and I are no longer friends. I’m on edge every time I’m I’m in there.
Wow – what a powerful post. You build the anxiety effortlessly, and when it all comes crashing down… your reader is making that sound with you.
🙁
Thank you. This was a necessary, yet difficult post to write and ultimately share. But, I’m glad I did.
an all too familiar pain–
Oh honey, I’m so very sorry.
My heart breaks at the part about how you notice the families of four in the magazine.
xo
Thanks, Elaine. So much to say in just 100 words… it’s not as easy as it seems.
(((hug)))
I keep telling myself that I would have been prepared if that were the case. But, I know I’m lying to myself.
Oh, it’s a scene I wouldn’t wish on anyone. One minute there’s life and the next there’s not. Sigh…
This piece even in so few words, was able to conjure such emotion. I am so very sorry.
It was difficult to write and there was a lot of editing and re-editing, but I’m pleased with it as much as I debated about sharing it or not. I’m glad I did.
Wow, what a well written piece – you can feel the nervousness from the second line.
I’m so very sorry for your loss :o(
Dangit, that’s a sad face. I forget that many comment programs turn the o I use for a nose into a shocked face. Sorry again, but this time for the inappropriate emoti!
My heart broke as I read this. It’s a kind of pain I can’t imagine.
You did a beautiful, perfect job with this. Heartbreaking.
Tragic and perfectly conveyed.
beyond amazing what you can conjure in so few words. I am so very sorry for your loss – hoping that writing it here helps with the healing of such devastation in some small way, seeing how many others you connect with, who you touch with your poignant words. thank you for sharing this…it’s beautiful in a way that only “human emotional life experience” can be.
I’m so sorry. I was there too. Almost word for word. What a difficult thing to experience. I’m sorry you had to feel that pain. So, so sorry. Hugs to you. Big, long, silent, tight ones. Xo
Talking about it was healing for me. I remember trying to figure out who I was after I heard those words. I thought I knew myself inside and out, but I didn’t. I didn’t have a clue. I’m here if you need to talk about it.
My heart is breaking for you.
What a powerful, powerful post. I was able to conjure up exactly what you were feeling within the first few lines. How heartbreaking. Hugs!!
You made this very real to me. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Hugs to you.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Tonya. Those are quite possibly the worst words an expectant mom can hear…I’ve heard them too. XOXO
Tragic and raw! I’ve been there, I am so sorry for your loss, I hope in time your heart heals and you can not replace but try again!
Lynn
This made me gasp. and then tear up. I am so sorry.
So sorry for your loss. *hugs*
The piece is beautifully written.
Oh Ouch! I’ve been there, that sound? I can almost hear it as it escapes you!
So sorry that you had to go through that!
So sorry. I’ve been there too. Such a painful time.
I think the brevity of this is what made this all the more heartbreaking. Hugs to you.. xo
Oh sweet friend…such a small amount of words with such a powerful feeling. Hugs to you…
This was one of those posts that I love, but wish never had to be written. I’m so sorry for you. I know how frustrating and isolating and heartbreaking a miscarriage can be. I’ve never had one, but it seems like everyone close to me has experienced at least one. It can change you. Emotion aside, your post was excellent and the end left me with that “kick in the gut” feeling that I crave from personal pieces like this.
Oh Tonya. I felt this as much as I could (meaning you certainly conjured up the feeling). I have never experienced this particular form of loss. My heart goes out to you.
This is beautiful Tonya and indeed, you capture so much in only 100 little words. XOXO
So beautifully written, but still so sad.. If there was something I could do or say to help, I would do it in a heartbeat.
::hugs::