October used to mean feeling Fall in the air and spying Halloween merchandise on every aisle at the supermarket and being greeted by big shinny round pumpkins with glowing smiles on my neighbors front porches.
October meant the nights were getting longer and the air a little cooler. Not quite flannel jammies time, but close.
Conversations about how to spend Thanksgiving begin and Christmas shopping lists are started in October.
Now October has a new meaning.
In particular October 15, but the days leading up to it and the days preceding are tough too.
October 15 used to have no significance to me at all, just another day on the calendar.
Now it marks the anniversary of my parents’ death.
Today they have been gone for four years. 1460 days. It’s hard to believe it has been that long.
I dread the anniversary the most; more than their birthdays, more than Christmas, more than Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or their anniversary. The day I was notified my parents had died was the worst day and every October 15, I relive it. And every year I think it’s going to be a little easier, and it’s not.
I’ll never forgot sitting in my friend Suzy’s kitchen two weeks after the memorial service and watching her eyes fill with tears as she talked about her own father’s passing as if it happened the day before. He had died 30 years earlier.
In some ways this was strangely comforting to me; knowing I wasn’t alone in my grieve for a lost loved one and in other ways it made me even sadder than I already was. I realized this wasn’t something I was going to “get over”, I realized that death is as permanent as grieve and I would have to learn to live with this emptiness, the loss and the hole that was now forever in my heart.
I would have to live with the sadness each and every October and all the days in between.
Catalina Island, July 2005
One good thing occurred on October 15, 2008 on the one year anniversary, I told my sister I was six weeks pregnant with Lucas.
Related Posts:
I love you.
There’s little that I can say…I know that.
But I love you and I’m here.
Always.
I know there isn’t anything I can say to take the pain away, but I want you to know that I’m here. Always thinking of you.
Tonya, I really can’t even imagine how hard that must be. Holding you especially close in my heart. xo
I am so sorry. Thinking of you and hope that you know we are enveloping you in a huge hug in the virtual world today, tomorrow, this week and always. Much love.
thinking of you, sending comfort, peace, and love. Thank you for blogging about it so I can keep you in my thoughts and be praying.
I’m thinking of you, and I am so sorry. I can’t pretend to know your grief, but I will be sending you all my thoughts today.
I have read many words you have written about your parents and I don’t often comment because I don’t know what to say which is a total cop out.
Your words honor your parents and Lucas will know how their death has affected you and their lives shaped both of you. I am thinking about you friend.
Tonya, sending you love- and lots of it. XO
I will never forget that ray of sunshine you gave me on that very cloudy day. Learning about the little growing person in your belly was magical. I will never be able to thank you enough for being there for my these past 4 years. I love you more than words can say and will always be there for you and your family. All my love. XOXO Stay tuned for my post tomorrow. 🙂
I am so sorry. Your little boy is lucky his mother shares her love and memories through stories. Be well.
So sorry to hear about your parents. Sending you a huge virtual hug. Hang in there.
I know that I cannot possibly say anything that will take your pain away, but I send my love and hugs to you…
There’s nothing that I can do or say that will make you feel less sad. All my thoughts are with you, Leah, Todd and Lucas today and always. I love this picture of your parents.
Sending you all my love, and loads of hugs, Sweet Friend. XOXO
My thoughts are with you, Tonya. Love, light and hugs. xo
Saying a special prayer for you today. Wish there was more that I could offer; but know that you are being lifted up and showered with encouragement! hugs!
I know we don’t know each other and I can’t say anything to take away the pain, but just wanted to stop by to say that I read your story and my heart is with you.
Tonya, this is a beautiful tribute to your parents. I know they would be so proud of you and Leah, but then they always were. Lucas would have sent them over the moon. I told you and Leah at their service that as sad and tragic as it was to lose them both, I could not picture one without the other. They were extremely loyal and devoted to each other. I can still hear their laughter. We miss them and always will. Much love.
My sweet beautiful friend, my thoughts of comfort and happy memories are rushing to you today. In 8 days I will have to remember finding out my daddy was gone too…in some ways it makes October a little easier this year..to know that I can grieve with you and have someone who knows how hard this is. I love u and I am here if you need me. Xoxo
That’s so hard honey, so sorry for your loss. I hope this day gets easier on you.
Xoxo
Sending lots of love & hugs to you. I can’t imagine how painful this is. I wish there was something I could do or say. xo
I’m sorry. Losing a parent is awful, but to lose both at the same time is a nightmare. I can see why it’s worse than the other dates – there is no trove of good memories like with their birthdays. I’m glad you have at least one thing that happened on this day that can make you smile a little. I hope that the hole in your heart hurts less each year, even though it will never close.
I’m thinking of you today.
Hugs to you, my friend. And no, you never stop grieving. Time just helps to soften the blow sometimes..
xoxo
Hugs, love and light to you, Tonya. What a small joy to have that special memory of Oct 15 2008 to bring your solace on this day. xoxoxox
My thoughts go out to you and your sister today Tonya. A great tribute to your parents.
Oh Tonya, this breaks my heart. I knew you lost your parents, but didn’t know how long ago. I am so, so, soooo sorry. I am thinking of you.
I’m so sorry for your loss and that this day is not a positive one in your life. I’m glad you are able to have something positive to recognize with it also, I hope that helps.