We held hands the entire drive home from the therapist’s office.
Relief.
A decision had been reached.
The words spoken out loud.
Later would come the tears. And questions.
So many questions.
Some people offer disconcerting looks, you know the one that says, “oh, I’m sorry, I brought it up.” and then quickly ask if I got married too young, like that’s a suitable excuse.
“No, we were 27 and 30 respectively,” I answer matter-of-factly and in my mind think: old enough to have been around the block a couple of times, but young enough to still believe that love conquers all.
A lot of people don’t even bat an eye and a few are shocked as hell at the discovery.
I was married before I met Lucas’ father.
Over 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. I am not proud to be a part of this group. I know it shamed my parents, especially my father. I apologized to him over and over again.
My ex-husband and I met in college, dated for three years, broke up for six months, reunited, were engaged for a year and married for almost three years. No one did anything wrong in our marriage, but neither of us happy. We shared some good times, great laughs and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with him, but somehow I knew our marriage wouldn’t last.
No one gets married to get divorced, but sometimes love doesn’t conquer all. It’s native to think it does. I know this now. Sometimes priorities are warped, you lose sight of yourself in spite of yourself and over time realize the person you thought you fell in love with is someone else entirely. People change. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.
I knew something was missing.
It was me.
I was missing from my own marriage!
From the moment I said, “I do,” my true authentic self began disappearing. It was slow at first and then like a whirlwind. I became this odd matronly figure that wore clothes that were a size too big and I started buying trivets and cookie jars. I was trying to be the “perfect” wife, knowing full well that no such thing existed. The more I lost myself, the sadder I became. Then I focused on trying to make myself believe that I was okay with being content.
Content.
I hate that word.
All the sacrifices and compromises weren’t worth it and in then end, I was only compromising myself.
We spent several months in mid 2002 trying to figure out what to do and if our marriage was salvageable. We sought marriage counseling and finally after many sessions and sleepless nights decided to go our separate ways. It was, to date the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.
My ex-husband is a good guy; charismatic and ambitious. He has a wonderful family and had an all-American upbringing. We wanted different things and in an effort to be true to ourselves had to say goodbye to one another.
I haven’t seen him since early 2008. He attended my parents memorial service, which was both unexpected and sweet. We’re Facebook friends (I think?) and we exchange yearly holiday cards and the occasional e-mail. He is remarried and has children and I hope more than anything is happy.
Anything but content.
I’ll never forget that drive home that hot August night.
As sad as I was, I was at ease.
This post is for Write On Edge’s weekly writing assignment RemembRED. This week’s prompt was: Write about a moment in your life when you knew something had to change drastically. Maybe it was a relationship, or career, parenting, school, diet – anything.
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Im glad you hit publish on this one. really glad. thank you for being brave and sharing this. *HUG*
I think I spared everyone all the gory details and yet still got my point across. I hope so anyway. Thank you for your comments.
Tonya…you of all people deserve to be more than content. I am glad you published this…you never know who you might help!!
You are too sweet and for the record, I am very happy now. I married the right guy the second time around! 🙂
I can’t believe that you were as old as I am now growing through all that. That is nuts to me! I’m going through just a rough break up with a boyfriend and that alone is difficult so I can’t even imagine going through a divorce right now. You acted so brave and strong during that whole process. I’m glad that I was around for you that summer. It was incredibly hard on me as well but I was glad to be there for you. I’ll never forget getting in the car when he came to pick me up from my friends house. He looked different, sad and defeated. I knew then that everyone would be different and that I couldn’t fix it. It was a rough time in our lives but we got through it.
I was 30 when we got divorced, but you’re right, not much older than you are now. It feels like that was a lifetime ago!
I remember that moment myself. Married my high school sweetheart and thought “we’d show them all, that kind of love really does still exist”
But “content” that’s a hard word to swallow. I’m so glad you had that “defining” moment, so that I may know the you and how happy you are now!
That first marriage seems so long ago now, but I believe I had to go through it in order to get to the happiness I know now.
It’s interesting sometimes how people react when you tell them things from your past, right? But I love that you shared this and wrote about it. Great post!
Thanks. As cliche as it sounds, some people can’t handle the truth.
I love that you shared this. It’s part of your story and it makes you who are you are today. One of my biggest issues is dealing with people’s reactions when they find out about your past. But you know what? It’s made you stronger. It’s shown you what you do (and don’t) want in life. Wishing him nothing but happiness and speaking so highly of him really shows what a great person you are.
Like I said, I don’t regret a thing about that relationship/marriage. I believe I had to go through that to get to where and who I am today.
Oh Tonya, I think you needed to write this. I really do. Because there are people right now who might read this and realize that they too have felt this way. And it’s OK. Life goes on, people change and grow, and you two were so smart to end it when you did. Some people hold on too long, try to “fix” a marriage with kids or new cars.
You are in a much better place now. I am so proud to call you my friend.
I’m so grateful that we didn’t do that. No kids, no property, it was for all intents and purposes a clean break. Devastating and difficult, but clean.
Thank you for your kind words, Sherri. Your friendship means a lot to me. xoxo
wow, everything you share something, it’s like a lightbulb moment for me.
I didn’t get married to a lot of boyfriends because of this, I didn’t want to be content, I didn’t want to settle or feel like I was missing out on something. You deciding to hit publish literally gave my heart a thump.
I am so happy that you decided to do the best thing for both of you and get dicovrced. It has made you stronger, better and it’s let you be ..YOU. Someone I value and respect here in blogland.
this is going to help a lot of people Sweetie, what a great post.
If this helps just one person, I’ll be satisfied.
Thank you for your kind words and your friendship. I value and respect you too.
Oh, Tonya, I’m so glad you were able to come to this amicably, though I’m sad for you to have to experience it at all. Thank you for sharing. Hugs!
So important that you wrote this.
Many people go thro these motions, being content, not quite happy but always looking around and saying things could be worse … while settling for less than they deserve.
Good for you knowing there was something more, a life you wanted to be living!
This is a wonderful post. I’m so glad that you posted it. Sometimes being content is not good enough, but what’s hardest is that you admit it and move on. :hug:
This honesty, in your decision and your writing, shows what a strong person you are. You live with your decisions and they’re made to make you better. YOU. That’s not easy, so be proud you did it.
What a beautiful honest post. It shows how in that drive home you felt so much and had the strength to keep going. I think you said it well by writing that people change, and sometimes when people change in a relationship the relationship struggles to work. Therapy, I believe, is so important for any one, any couple who needs someone to just simply listen. Thank you for sharing this with us!
I am also on my second marriage. When he said he wanted a divorce I was so relieved, I realized that it’s not the normal reaction which made me realize how unhappy I had been. I think it helps my current marriage, I know what not to do anyway! 🙂
It was such a relief. For both of us. No more fighting, no more disappointment. No more feeling lost.
Second marriages rock!!
We’ve talked about this before, but I’ll say it again. The right decision is sometimes the hardest one. It takes so much strength and courage to know when to walk away. I’m so glad you were able to with your head held high.
::Hugs:::
Truer words have never been spoken, my friend!
“I was trying to be the “perfect” wife, knowing full well that no such thing existed. The more I lost myself, the sadder I became. Then I focused on trying to make myself believe that I was okay with being content.”
This. It’s exactly how I felt for most of the last few years of my marriage. We are divorcing now and I am more at ease and happier in life than I have been in a very long time. I found me. I’m still discovering the me I lost but am thrilled she’s returned.
Thank you for writing this. There were tears but I’ve realized too that in staying, I too, was only compromising myself. I’m genuinely happy for you.. happy you’re living life instead of continuing to compromise. Doesn’t it feel good?!? ((hugs))
It feels great! It’s a terrible feeling losing yourself. I missed me. As strange as that may sound.
Here’s to you on your journey! xoxo
It doesn’t sound strange at all. There’s a sadness which comes with loss of self, even though we’re all taught to be self-less as a wife and mother from an early age in our society. Thing is, how can we function if we’re mere ghosts of ourselves? We can’t. Ghosts float through life, they don’t live. Ghosts can’t do anything beyond exist. If wanting to live life is selfish, then so be it. I need to be me before I can give anything to anyone else.
Thank you for the well wishes. XOXOX back to you too!
I love how you are able to pinpoint your emotions, and the problems you faced. it’s a very insightful, brave post.
You are so not alone. Five of my neighbors all were married young and divorced within a few years. Starter marriages they’re calling them now, I guess.
You hit the nail on the head when you said “content” is not good enough.
Good for you for being brave and strong.
I hate to think of my first marriage as a starter marriage, but I suppose that’s what it is. I’m SO much happier now. And I have Lucas. 🙂
Thank you for publishing this! I have a friend who, I think, is in a very, very similar situation right now. (They are working on things now.) I hope so very much that they make a decision that makes them both happy and not just content. What a lovely way to put something that must have been so painful for you.
wow! what a brave, honest post. thanks for hitting “publish” on this one.
Oh, such a touching post. I found it uplifting, and yet heartbreaking. I guess there’s no saying something can’t be both of those things!
I think the concept of contentedness has it’s place. That’s how I feel while rocking my babies, or while curled up in bed with a great book. But I agree that in and of itself, contentment is not enough for a marriage. Relationships, the big ones like marriage, cannot be sustained on merely being content. It’s about so much more than that!
Tonya:
I have two good friends, no 3 who have done this vary thing. They have left marriages that were “fine.” No one cheated. There weren’t any fireworks. But that was just it. There weren’t any fireworks. This is a great post. I really feel like I understand better where my friends, and you, are coming friend. I am really blessed to be head over heals over my honey and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You made the right choice for you and for Lucas. My 3 y/o says “Daddy thinks Mommy’s awesome.” I think that’s important for him. You want Lucas to see the love relationships around him like that too someday. My folks have a “blah” marriage and I know it. Trust me, I know it. Awesome post.
Thank you for your comments.
Blah marriages are no fun!
Just to set the record straight, Lucas is a product of my second marriage, but he may not exist if I had stayed in that first relationship. I shutter at the thought.
I can’t even imagine you becoming a matronly housewife. The fact that you were able to acknowledge that you weren’t happy enough to stay married shows how wise you are. I’m so glad it was for the best – you deserve to be happy.
Thanks, Robin. If that first marriage hadn’t dissolved, there may not have been a Lucas! 🙁
I think you were perfectly right. It would have been insane to stay with somebody with whom you weren’t happy. You both made the right decision.
Today, you have an amazing husband (who I’d love to meet) and a gorgeous little boy, and you are you!
XO
I believe everything happens for a reason, and every person who comes into our lives serve a purpose. So glad you’re in your happy place now. You were very courageous to share this, it must not have been easy. Thank you.
Wow Tonya, I had no idea. I am so glad that you did not settle for “content” and found true happiness and love.
Sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones that serve us best. I’m glad you and he were able to make that decision and still de able to care about each other.
I admire you a great deal for writing this. This hit home in so many ways. My situation with my ex husband is quite similar though we had a child. I refer to him on my blog as Rat Bastard, but he knows I do. We actually have a decent relationship and I have no ill will towards him at all. Maybe I’ll be able to write about it someday…but probably not where he can find it.