I had a good mother but she and I did not have the type of relationship that I would have liked. We didn’t share intimate secrets or inside jokes. She wasn’t the first person I would think of to call when I had a dilemma. I loved her dearly but I didn’t know her at all.
It’s taken me a long time to be able to admit that my mother and I were not close, especially since she has been gone for over three years.
My mother was a sweet and giving person. She taught kindergarten or third grade my whole life. She loved to celebrate each and every holiday with gusto. She sent heartfelt greeting cards and made the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet. Her motto was a cliche that I grew to hate: c’est la vie because it became her “go to” response to EVERYTHING.
My mother was a very intelligent woman and I can recall hearing my father comment many times on her high IQ, but she didn’t talk very much.
I don’t think she knew how to express herself.
Until I realized that, she seemed disinterested, oblivious and even intimated by me. I know she must have had a lot of opinions, but she didn’t share them, even after much probing.
There were nightly conversations in our home on a variety of topics ranging from entertainment and politics to current events and religion and it was always my father, sister and me having the discussions, while my mother sat quietly on the sidelines not contributing a word.
Was it our fault?
Did we not include her enough?
Did she think she couldn’t relate?
Did she feel as though her opinion didn’t matter to us?
It did. Very much.
She appeared to be listening and taking it all in, but there was zero exchange.
I was once at a job for more than two years before she ever asked me what it was that I did.
I can accept the things my mother was, but to this day I cannot accept the things that she was not.
I wish we had both tried harder.
If my mother blogged or even kept a hand written diary when I was Lucas’ age, I feel like I would have been privy to a woman I don’t feel like I knew. I would have learned of her inner most thoughts and feelings on motherhood, dreams for me and herself. I would be able to read about her passions, joys, sorrows, strengths and weaknesses and love for me.
I would have very much appreciate, benefited from and cherished a Letters For Tonya blog.
This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) If my Mom were a blogger…Related Posts:
what a difficult post to write, thank you for your transparency in answering this prompt. I wish I knew mine better too, and would have loved reading about her life before I knew her.
This makes me so sad. I wish that your mom would have had a blog or a journal for you that you could read and get to know her better.
So sad for you. I wish you had had that too.
Wow. That was really moving… my eyes filled with tears while I read this. I'm so sorry that you have experienced such a loss on so mnay levels. Thank you for sharing… finding the words must have been hard.
You write beautifully Tonya. I feel almost the same way about my mother. She's still around so I must make more of an effort to know her while I can. Thank you for this post!
This is beautiful, Tonya. I wish you had something to read from your mom. This post basically validated all the time I put into this blog. I hope my boys enjoy reading it someday and get a glimpse of the person I was when they were young.
This must have been emotional to write. I kind of understand how you feel as my mom and I went through a similar relationship. It wasn't until I became very ill and bedridden that our relationship changed. Thank you for being so open
Now I can see how important this blog is for your relationship with your son. What we post, or don't post, gives a lot of insight into who we are, and what's important to us. My mom & I aren't close at all, and I can't imagine what she would blog about!
I enjoyed reading your post. I understand completely. Everyone always told me how lucky I was because I had such a wonderful mother. She volunteered for every cause there was so everyone saw her as a giving person. I certainly wasn't neglected or abused. My needs were met. But if I had a different opinion than my parents (even for tiny insignificant things like liking or disliking a song,) my mother acted like a martyr, as if my opinions were personal affronts to her. Once I started to be my own person in my teens, we were never close again. It's sad isn't it?
Please visit my story about a phone call I won't forget: http://proartz.blogspot.com/2011/04/like-wind.html
I'm sure this was hard to write. I have found that as I get older I am starting to see my parents as real people. Real people with good traits and not so good ones. I can recognize now that it't not my fault that they are the way they are. It's not your fault either that your Mother wasn't more open with her feelings. It just wasn't her strength.
Sad you didn't have good communication with your mom. She probably would have shared more easily on a blog, writing about things. My mom and I were very close and always had a good relationship. I miss her so much!
She sounds like an amazing lady. I wish she had been willing to share more with you.
This must have been so hard to write Tonya. I feel for you so much. The thing that makes you so amazing is that you are doing for your son what you know you needed most. You are one great mom. Lucas is so very lucky.
Sometimes I worry that my children won't know me beyond "Mom- that lady who does the dishes"
It's part of why I blog.
Oh, it would be so nice to be able to hear my mom's thoughts from when I was young!
Oh, this post got me teared up for sure. My Mom and I weren't close. I was always my Dad's buddy. My Mom seemed like she didn't need a friend, preferring to do whatever her newest "hobby" was. It wasn't until recently that I realized how responsible I was for pushing her away also. We are finally starting to get closer, but still keep it mostly superficial. Baby steps.
So honest, but beautiful. You really put it out there. I could feel your heart ache.
Oh honey…what a heartfelt post. You tugged at my heartstrings!
This was really raw and honest, Tonya. And it reminds me of how my mother was when we were kids. I'm so sorry you will never know the things you'd like to. Hugs to you…
Wow. This was so honest, Tonya. I didn't share EVERYTHING with my mom either, but we are very close. My mom always made it clear that her children were her world.
But she was silent when it came to opinions and debate. She let the rest of the family talk it out.
And you know? I feel like I blog because I wish there was a "Letters for Kate" out there.
It's still difficult for me to understand that you had this kind of a relationship with mom when I had such a different one. Sometimes I think, how can we possibly be talking about the same woman? I don't know if it was because we are such different people or what but I always felt her love and just grew to just take her "c'est la vie" answer even when it really annoyed me too. Reading a blog by mom would be incredibly sweet now. XOXO
That's the main reason I write a blog. So my daughter would know me should anything happen to me. Or just to know me more intimately, period.
I wish I knew my own mom better too. She was always a quiet one next to my boisterous dad. Now that he's no longer here, it's hard to unearth the voice that's been buried inside her all these years. But at least I still have a chance to try. So maybe I should.
Thank you for this.
what an incredibly difficult piece to share…you did so with so much open heart. lucas is a lucky kid. you are a fabulous woman.
This was so well written and made me feel sad for you. My mom and I are close in some ways, but we weren't when I was younger, and I wish we were. She didn't relate to me on my level at all. All I can do now is try to be different with my daughters!
I came over from Mama Kat's!
This post is very beautifully written. I am so sad for what you didn't have. I will hug my Mom tighter the next time I see her because of reading this. I love teachers : ) and cookies! DEFINITELY love cookies.
Tonya, this must have been so difficult to write. I know how much you loved your Mom. I wish she had left you a blog, a diary or something so that you could learn more about her. This post made me teary this morning and I have been thinking about it all day.
You are an extraordinary person/friend, so true with your feelings. I admire you for being able to express them the way you do.
Have a fun w.e. on your own and enjoy reading a book, TV (without being disturbed), lunch with your friends, and a good relaxing bath : )
I'll toast you with a glass of wine! I wish I could come back a year…
Love you, Dear Friend xoxo
What I love most about keeping a blog is that, someday, my kids will know me as a person and not just their mom. I think it's an amazing gift to give them. I just hope they'll agree.
This makes me sad because my mom and I are really close, and I can't imagine not having that type of relationship. I really wish your mom had left some sort of journal for you so you could've known more about what she was thinking or feeling.
Hugs, my friend. This makes me want to call my mom.
I kinda feel the same way about my Dad, I've gotten better at trying to pick his brain, but I think some people just don't feel like their inner most thoughts matter. They do! But I think unless you're encouraged to share and have a want to share..you just don't. Tell Lucas all the things your Mom didn't get a chance to, it'll even things in the world somehow. xo
this touched my heart, because my relationship with my mom is a good one, a strong one and I realize more and more every day how lucky I am to have a mom who talked TO me, who will tell me the stories and find the rainbow for me when I can't. I am sorry you didn't have that, I wish every daughter could know and love her mom, the first and most important role model for her life.
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs
Tonya – we’ve talked about this subject many times and in some ways I can relate but I can’t compare my feelings to yours…. your post comes from deep within you, it saddens me & I’m so happy you were a Daddy’s Girl, me too! Lucas is lucky to have you as his Mommy & I can’t wait to hear what he thinks of “Letters to Lucas” when he reads them! Your writing is truly touching~
Thank you. My sole purpose for writing Letters For Lucas is for him to enjoy someday, but not just in a “you want to know about your mom, here you go” kind of way. I want to TALK to him about what he’s reading and answer any questions he may have about what he’s reading. I never had that kind of relationship with my mom and now it’s too late.
Thank you. My sole purpose for writing Letters For Lucas is for him to enjoy someday, but not just in a “you want to know about your mom, here you go” kind of way. I want to TALK to him about what he’s reading and answer any questions he may have about what he’s reading. I never had that kind of relationship with my mom and now it’s too late.